I need friends

[Miriam Poorman-Knox]

To make a very hurtful story short. there are 5 children in my family. Dad died young 36 from Ca., Mom found drink. You get the picture mother never home, at bars, 5 kids to care for. She didn't do a good job. My middle brother was always her favorite. When we moved to pgh in 2001 it was to help our aging parents. Help she did need, and knowing the system I helped. There came a point when her demands were too much for me a 3 hr drive 5 days a week a bit much. So my brother decided that he would help her if she had no contact with me, and they moved her and her husband without any of us knowing. She ended up in the hospital and I was told dhe would die. I had the admin. ask if she wanted to see me, she said absolutely. I made arrangements to go during non visiting hours. I arrived and was told that I had to have a guard in the room. Thae admin came and stood outside the door. My brother had been ther right before I arrived. I left and the next thing I know I hear people sayig my name and asking me where I was. I was outside the hospital for three hours in march with no coat, someone saw me from a second floor office, laying near a dumpster, not by my car. I was unconsious 6 hours. I had bruised on my face shoulders and arms. I transfered to a pittsburgh hosp and was diagnosed with pots. This was my first dtime kidneys shut down. I have not been allowed to see my mother in 2 years. She died today. My sister called my mother in law to tell me that the service was thurs. I was not included in the funeral home time. I am so wounded. I know as a minister that I should forgive and understand. It seems that someone could have contacted me.

My fear is try as I might that I'll obsess about this and end up in hospital again. I would like to attend I think. I am not sure how to deal with these people.

Maybe I am a bad person, i'd like to think not. I have a therapist who is wonderful. Yet I feel that I am truly an orphan(not just from today,I have supported myself and had my own pt sinceI was 15) an orphan with an orphan disease. There needs to be a CAMP FOR US TOO

Thanks to all for reading, and also sharing. Miriam

[dawn]

Miriam,

You have my sympathy. The loss of a parent is so hard no matter what the circumstances. My father was an alcoholic all his life, there were 4 of us and his funeral was a mixed mess of emotion. I had to remember it was a disease and inside his soul was still that of God's. The funeral may help bring closure and connection with your siblings, I don't know of course. On the other hand it may be too stressful and make you ill. I guess you have to follow your heart. Sometimes it's hard to hear our inner voice when we are so traumatized. I was lucky to have supportive siblings. It was wrong that you were not told. Before my dad passed my brother asked him if he was sorry for all the beatings he gave him and my dad said no. It hurt my brother deeply. Then my brother asked him to pray the Lords Prayer with him and he did.

Remember you were a good daughter and it sounds like you gave your mother alot of love. She knows this. Whether you are at the funeral or at home at the time of the funeral your spirit is with her.

God Bless and Guide you.

Dawn

[briarrose]

Miriam

I'm so sorry for your loss. It would have been nice to see her and have some closure. That was very wrong of your brother. Do you get along with any of your siblings? So that you have an inside scoop on what's going on?

If you want to go to the funeral I think you should be allowed to go. Either be upfront about it and tell your brother or wait until the day of the service and just show up.

I know what it's like to live that kind of life. I've had 3 alcoholic fathers. Very grateful that the second one died as he was very abusive.

Anyway, try to hang in there and let us know if there is anything we can do for you.

Sincerely

Steph

[corina]

Miriam,

I want to send you my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss and the way your brother kept you from your mother. I hope you are able to close the book of a tragic period.

Best wishes,

Corina

[mom4cem]

Deepest Sympathy Miriam. I know I don't know the whole story, but regardless on how anyone felt, you should have been told sooner. I hope you can find some peace and somehow closure and please don't take any of this out on yourself, can't beat yourself up for something you had no control over.

Be kind to yourself during this time also and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[MomtoGiuliana]

Miriam

I am so sorry to read this and what you are struggling with and have struggled with your entire life. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to to heal from so much pain. We are here for you whenever you need to talk through any of it. As a minister, you are aware of the processes of grief that people go through. Still, maybe it would be helpful to seek counseling--just a thought. This is a lot to manage.

I hope you can attend the funeral and that it helps you to do so.

I know how "obsessive thinking"/stressful times can affect my POTS symptoms. Please take very special care of yourself.

I'll have you in my thoughts.

Katherine

[Ernie]

Hi Miriam,

I am sorry for the tragic loss of your mother and for the circumstances surrounding her death.

Not even a year ago I had to take care of my brother's death and my family did not want me to go to the funeral because I am too sick. I decided to go because I wanted to mourn with my family. I am glad I did even if it was rough on me because it helped making some kind of closure.

I will be more than grateful to email you personally. My email is:

homeopathiehn@hotmail.com

If you prefer we can phone each other.

Ernie

[DSM3KIDZ]

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what your going through. I will pray for you.

Dayna

[Jenn202]

Miriam - I am so sorry for your loss and all you are going through...You are in my thoughts and prayers that eveything will work out for the best. Take Care of yourself.

[blackwolf]

All my prayers for you today and as long as needed, I'm sending some healing vibes your way.

blackwolf

[Guest Julia59]

Miriam,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. Wishing you strength to get through this very trying time. You will be in my prayers. Please don't be hard on yourself, as this is a problem they have, so don't let it bring you down.

You must keep your strength through this---so please, please take the best possible care of yourself . Maybe there is a way you can go and pay your respects in private if your family takes issue with you being there.

Peace,

Julie :0)

[morgan617]

Oh Miriam, I am so sorry! No matter what our relationship is with our parents, it is so painful to lose them. Your brother was very wrong, but you need to remember that this is HIS problem and not yours. He will be the one facing God over this. I think if your heart tells you to go, you should. Always follow your heart and gut. I just went to the funeral of my friend's husband. He completely pulled away from her and stayed with his daughter and told them many lies about her. We didn't sit with the family, and left early, but she was glad she went. That may or may not be enough for you, but remember, you did everything you could do under the circumstances and that will not go un noticed. Please take care of yourself and know how many of us are thinking of you in this time of sorrow. morgan

[michiganjan]

Miriam,

I am sending healing thoughts your way. Whatever you decide to do will be okay. There is no right or wrong choice here.

Thinking ofyou

Michigan Jan

[geneva]

Miriam, I am sorry that you are under so much stress and I can fully understand how family can let us down. I am one who believes that you should do what is right for YOU regarding the funeral. Most people will say going will give you closure but only you know if that is true for you. Staying home, pulling out any scrapbooks or just remembering the times that were special to you about your Mom may equally give you the closure you need without the added stress of being around family who appear to have little compassion for the challenges you face. Just take care and give yourself permission to go OR to stay home -- whichever is best for you. please take care.

[Miriam Poorman-Knox]

Thank you all. I am very close to my oldest brother, he has also been cut out of her life by my brther snd sister. He is awaiting a liver transplant, and is really able to remove himself from the 'drama'. I am allowed to go to the funeral, not to the family visitation 1hr. before. My husband is reworking his schedule to be there with me. I slept till 2 this afternoon and think I'll go back for more!!!!!!!

Just seeing your posts brought tears to my eyes, I am grateful for this extended family!!!! Miriam

[Guest tearose]

Miriam,

I am sending you my deepest sympathy.

I am sorry for the loss, sadness and the pain.

Trust your own instincts and do what brings you peace.

Only you know what is best for you!

sincerely, tearose

[DawnA]

I am so sorry about the death of your mother and all of the details around it. When the core of an apple (your parents dysfunction) is bad, then the rest is often dysfuntional too. That is how my family is.

I can't imagine what you are feeling right now, but I know what is like to live in a dysfuntional family. I can only imagine how it is going to feel when my mom dies. I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dawn A

[Gena]

Miriam

I realize this is a terribly painful time for you now. It's so difficult when family dynamics threaten to overshadow the passing of your mother. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort at the funeral and in the days ahead. Try not to let the tension of the family get in the way of you saying your final respects and coming to terms with your mother's death. I'm glad your husband will be there for you to provide some support. Perhaps you and your siblings will somehow be able to set aside your differences during this time. Life is too short for carrying hate and grudges around. Sometimes, it takes death to make us realize this. I pray that your family can find comfort in each other.

Gena

[lindaf]

To make a very hurtful story short. there are 5 children in my family. Dad died young 36 from Ca., Mom found drink. You get the picture mother never home, at bars, 5 kids to care for. She didn't do a good job. My middle brother was always her favorite. When we moved to pgh in 2001 it was to help our aging parents. Help she did need, and knowing the system I helped. There came a point when her demands were too much for me a 3 hr drive 5 days a week a bit much. So my brother decided that he would help her if she had no contact with me, and they moved her and her husband without any of us knowing. She ended up in the hospital and I was told dhe would die. I had the admin. ask if she wanted to see me, she said absolutely. I made arrangements to go during non visiting hours. I arrived and was told that I had to have a guard in the room. Thae admin came and stood outside the door. My brother had been ther right before I arrived. I left and the next thing I know I hear people sayig my name and asking me where I was. I was outside the hospital for three hours in march with no coat, someone saw me from a second floor office, laying near a dumpster, not by my car. I was unconsious 6 hours. I had bruised on my face shoulders and arms. I transfered to a pittsburgh hosp and was diagnosed with pots. This was my first dtime kidneys shut down. I have not been allowed to see my mother in 2 years. She died today. My sister called my mother in law to tell me that the service was thurs. I was not included in the funeral home time. I am so wounded. I know as a minister that I should forgive and understand. It seems that someone could have contacted me.

My fear is try as I might that I'll obsess about this and end up in hospital again. I would like to attend I think. I am not sure how to deal with these people.

Maybe I am a bad person, i'd like to think not. I have a therapist who is wonderful. Yet I feel that I am truly an orphan(not just from today,I have supported myself and had my own pt sinceI was 15) an orphan with an orphan disease. There needs to be a CAMP FOR US TOO

Thanks to all for reading, and also sharing. Miriam

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Dear Miriam, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother. Your family needs counseling and you have a right to feel hurt. I AM SURE your Mother knew you loved her and knows what is happening now. Do what your heart tells you and ignore the rest. Do not do anything you cannot handle and that will make you sick. Just pray for guidance and you will make the right decision. Linda

[Guest Mary from OH]

Miriam-

I am so sorry to hear of your mother's death and also of your brother's troubled life. Perhaps now your mother can be at peace and alcoholism will not run her life. It is too bad your middle brother had to behave the way he did. Perhaps he too had alcholism problems. If not, at least mental problems. I"m happy that you can go to the funeral. And I think that if you want to go to the visitaton, you and your older brother could set something up with the funeral home. May God give you peace during this difficult time.

Don't let another's actions dictate your feelings!! Be strong and remain in control, no matter how small and ignorant they may act!

Please take care!!

[purplefocus]

I am so sorry for the pain you are going thru. I totally understand that tragedy of losing love ones. I have endured this the past 7 weeks. Just remember that tomorrow shall be a little easier and then the next day a little easier than that one and you will get thru. You were offered wonderful advice here. I am praying for you and hope you find your peace here.

purplefocus

[danelle]

Miriam,

I don't get to respond much anymore because of how I have been feeling but when I read your post, I had to respond.

No words can make the pain or sorrow go away but please know that we are thinking about you and sending you prayers and love. I have had both of my parents as well. My mom died when I had just turned 19, the last time I talked with her I hung up on her. It took me yrs to get over that. My father just passed in Sept.2002. It is still too painful to talk about. I can tell you that as time goes by, some days get better than others, you do find ways to go on.

I was fortunate enough to be with my dad until the very end(except the last 45 minutes). He waited until we all were out of the room to pass-he told us he would. I am so sorry you had to go through a painful experience the way that you did. It is hard enough to lose someone dear to you but to add the other stressors doesn't help.

Please continue to talk with us and do seek out counseling if you can. Life is so short, if at all possible maybe sometime later on you and your family can make ammends but i realize it is too early to go there right now. We can be your family for now.

We have somewhat of a similar story. If you ever want to email me personally please do. I will share my story with you if you would like.

I do believe that the death of my father-he was very sick for so long-made my POTS send me on a downhill slide and I haven't recovered physically yet. I think that was my turning point of my POTS turning so bad. And as I recall(even though I didn't KNOW I had POTS atht time my mother died-it did the same) Please hang in there, don't blame yourself for ANYTHING, and please don't have any guilt. It is the worst thing for you, take it from someone whtih lots of experience in that area.

I hope I am making sense, this is another of many very POTSY days and I have already forgotten everything that I read and wrote

Please knwo you aren't alone and we are always here for you.

May your mother rest in peace and may you find peace yourself.

God Bless You and I am sending many cyber hugs your way.

Danelle

[Miriam Poorman-Knox]

Thank you and Fyi my therapist is ON CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miriam

[MightyMouse]

Miriam, I am so sorry that during your grieving, you also have to deal with the tough stuff with your family. I wish I had something profound or something comforting to say... all I can think to say is that I hope you find peace with the way things are with your family, and know that how you dealt with your mother in life is more important than what you do after her death. The days after are for everyone else to support one another; and I just can't imagine that the group who will be there will be support for you (except your husband...and perhaps some other family members who aren't as dysfunctional).

I hope you choose to do whatever would honor whatever good memories you have and that you find peace. Big hug.

Nina

[Radha]

i cant imagine what you are going thru miriam, so sorry for your loss, i couldnt imagine my life without my mom, sending you warm thoughts and strength to get you thru this difficult time, and i hope your health is not affected too much,

radha