How do I know what is best for me?

[Ernie]

Hi everyone,

My sister died this afternoon. The funeral will be this week and if I go it is a 5 hour round trip.

I know that if I go it will bring a lot of emotions (good and bad). There is a part of me that wants to go and see her one last time but another part that says it is better to stay here because I am already sick enough. My family does not want me to go because they know I am sick. I want to help my family and do my share but I just don't know what is the best for me.

Do you have any suggestions?

Thanks

Ernie

[steph37822]

Ernie, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I think you've had a lot of loss the past few years and it has to be heartwrenching for you. I hope you and your family are able to make it through this tough time.

I wonder if you are like me, and when your body needs you to, you can muster up the strength to get done what needs to be done, and you can crash later? Also is your husband able to go with you, and you will at least have him or other family members to lean on, so that you don't have to do too much but say your good-byes, and spend time with family? Maybe having your wheelchair will be a great help?

My uncle died last summer, mom's brother, and my mom is chronically ill as well, but she felt the need to visit him every other day with her other siblings (a 2 hour trip to his house) and she felt a lot of inner peace at being there with him, and being able to say good-bye. My dad and sisters did all they could to make sure my mom and I didn't have to do too much, and I'm glad I was able to attend the funeral as well.

This is a decision you will have to make, so I am thinking about you, and hoping you are able to do what you think best. If you decide to go I wish you strength and peace.

If you cannot make it, I do believe your sister and family would understand, and maybe you can do something locally to honor her memory, like planting a special flower, looking at old family photographs, thinking of happy memories, etc.?

Again I am sorry Ernie, I am thinking of you.

-Stephanie

[LisaColumbus]

I dont have any advice Ernie, I just wanted to offer my condolences. I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

[briarrose]

I'm so sorry for your loss Ernie.

You need to take care of yourself first. You'll know what's right in your heart.

I didn't even realize your sister was ill, this after your brother, It's so hard and unfair.

If there is anything that we can do for you please let us know.

steph

[ariella]

Ernie

With you in your loss

The decision obviously is one only you can make, but if you do decide that the trip isn't possible, may i suggest you somehow find a way to "be with" your family even if you can't physically be there, at precisely the same time the funeral is taking place. Can you compose something to be read at the funeral?

Thoughts are going out to you

Ariella

[corina]

Ernie,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm sending you my condolences as well as my thoughts about you and your family.

Ariella gave a good suggestion about making something that can be read at the funeral. Or maybe you can write something you can read yourself at the time of the funeral. In my country we are allowed to put things (letters i.e.) in a coffin. You might write your sister a farewell letter and give it to your family to put it in the coffin (if allowed).

I hope you will be able to make the decision that is best for you.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time Ernie.

Best wishes to you,

Corina

[mom4cem]

I am so sorry for your loss. Do what you need to do but remember even if you are unable to physically make it, mentally you will be there and in spirit. I'm sure your family will understand that and your sister would have wanted you to do only what you were able to.

My thoughts are with you.

[Jenn202]

Ernie - I am so very sorry for your loss. Please know I will be thinking of you and your family this week.

I know its a tough decision to make whether or not to go. I lost a family member a couple years back when I was very ill, and I had a similar dilema.

I opted not to go to the services, and I was OK with the decision in the end. For me, being with the family was what helped me heal.

I think no matter what, being with your family at a time like this is helpful.....the support they can give you is what you need.

Like others here said , if you are not able to physically attend the services, you will be there in spirit.

Take Care Ernie and my thoughts are with you this week.

[ethansmom]

Ernie,

I am so sad to hear about your sister. I wish you and your family the best as you get through yet another difficult time.

I think that if your heart tells you to go, then you should. However, if you feel deep down that it's best for you if you don't go, then that is fine too. Everyone has to deal with things in a way that would work out the best for them.

Good luck!!

[Gena]

Ernie,

The others all have great suggestions. I just want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts. You've been through so much, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Sending you lots of love and hugs.

With deepest sympathy,

Gena

[geneva]

Ernie, I am so saddened by your news. This is a terribly difficult decision, I know, but I agree that putting yourself first is important. Sometimes with a dilemna like this, I try to envision how I will feel afterwards if I go and if I don't and then see what is best for me. Your family will not blame you for not going, but will you blame yourself or will you be at peace spending the day in thoughts of your sister?

I think we can honor the spirit of someone close to us just spending that day in silence, looking through old photographs and recalling favorite memories spent together.

Whatever you decide, please be at peace with your decision. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

[Roselover]

Ernie,

I wanted to add my love to all the others who care so much about you. You are such a blessing to all of us on this forum and I am so sorry you are having to face one more grief.

Stephanie and Ariella have great ideas if you are unable to make the service. I so hard to know what to do and grife is so different for each of us. But you can honor your sister and say your goodbyes in so many ways. As someone else said, search your heart and don't feel guilty over what you choose not to do.

With warmest thoughts,

~Roselover

[LindaJoy]

Ernie, I, too, am so very sorry for your loss. I really don't have any advice to offer except to do what you feel you need to do, for you, no one else.

Again, I am so very sorry for what you're going through. Know you're in my heart.

Linda Joy

[Guest Julia59]

Ernie,

You have already been through so much, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I wish I could offer some advice on what to do.

All I can say is listen to your body. If you feel right about going, hopefully you can get some help to make it as comfortable as possible for you.

It's hard to remember the usual things you do on a daily basis to keep yourself stable---especially during times like this.

My deepest sympathies Ernie. I wish you and your family peace.

I know it's hard, but try to remember to take care of yourself.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers,

Julie

[morgan617]

Ernie, you know how I feel. As hard as it is, only you can make this decision. But your family does understand and hopefully that will make the process of deciding easier for you. My heart is broken for you. You are constantly in my thoughts and whatever you decide, just know it will be okay. You will be there in spirit, if not physically. hugs, morgan

[funnyfrog]

Ernie, I am very sorry for the loss of your sister and my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. You need to do whatever you think you can physically and emotionally handle right now without making yourself sicker - Do what is in your heart - The others gave some great suggestions if you are unable to make the services, esp. the part about a letter being read that is written by you. Your sister was lucky to have you in her life - you are such a caring person and whatever you decide, I know it will be the right decision. My condolences - Beth

[dizzygirl]

Ernie,

i am so very sorry about the loss of your sister. I know that thia must be hard for you, I wish you well in whatever decision that you make.

Sending extra big bear hugs your way!

Linda

[PattiL]

Dear Ernie,

Sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to offer my condolences. Do whatever you believe in your heart, what will give you the most peace.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Patti

[yogini]

Ernie,

I am so very sorry for your loss and that you face such a difficult decision in this time of mourning. Know that we support you, whatever you may decide.

Wishing you and your family peace,

Rita

[Susan Lake]

Ernie,

I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your sister. Whatever you decide to do is the right decision. Your sister would understand if you cannot make the trip, please know that. I agree that sometimes your body will kick into gear during times like this and you may find you are able to do it. My prayers are with you and your family.

Susan

[persephone]

I feel so bad for you Ernie, what a terrible loss you have to deal with. I wish that I could take away the pain for you. All I can tell you is that whether or not you go- and only you can make that decision-

SORROW IS NOT FOREVER; LOVE IS.

If you can't go, it doesn't mean you care any less about your sister.

I once couldn't go to the funeral of a really lovely feisty old lady I knew who died suddenly. When I knew I couldn't go to her service, I made arrangements to do my own thing, as I was in St Andrews.

I got a single red rose (the lady's name was Rose, too) and I sat on the pier at St Andrews and talked to her, telling her how much I loved her. Then I dropped the rose into the sea and hoped that she knew how much I loved her. My mum still thinks that this was probably nicer and more personal than the service that was held for Rose.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you don't have to be there to show how much you love your sister. But of course, I can understand why you want to.

I am thinking of you Ernie, and I am so sorry. If ever you want to chat, drop me

a PM.

[MightyMouse]

Ernie, I send you my best hug and good thoughts. As I recall, it wasn't all that long ago that your brother passed away--you sure have had more than your share of hardships.

All I can think to say is that what you did with you sister while she was still here on earth matters more than now that she's no longer here... and how you honor her memory matters as well, and that doesn't necessarily mean going to be with her body. I believe, where ever she is, she knows you loved her and still love her. If you can make it to the funeral, that's a great place to grieve with others who knew her; but if you can't, don't make yourself sad over it. Funerals are really for the living (in my opinion) so that they can adjust to the loss.

I am sending you wishes for whatever will bring peace to your heart. Nina

[MomtoGiuliana]

Ernie

I just want you to know I am thinking of you and wish you peace.

Katherine

[michiganjan]

Ernie,

I am thinking of you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Michigan Jan

[BuddyLeesWife]

The hardest part about not going is that you won't have the support of family to help you through the grieving process. Please make sure you are not alone on that day. I really like the suggestion about sending something to be read at the service or just tucked into the casket. Take strength from the fact that your family understands your situation and that you have many here who are thinking of you. I am sorry for your second loss in such a short time period.