Sad And Depressed

[Altruism]

Please, help me keep going. No meds help. No light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sad and depressed. Florinef did nothing for me but made me dizzy, metoprolol did not affect my hr at all, propranolol is making me feel even worse... I am a square peg in a round hole and fit no criteria so far, compression stockings, salt, water, clonazepam...nothing helps me... I feel so tired, exhausted, have horrible adrenaline rushes, feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin and have 0 control over my body...

I want my life back!!!!! I can't even get up and shower.. I'm tired and my eyelids are dropping, but I can't sleep. I feel like someone else is in my body. Clonazepam does not help. My newborn is constantly crying. I'm at my wits end

Why me?!!!! Why us?!!?! What the **** did we do to deserve this?! And even if I fall asleep, I keep feeling worse and worse on the following day...Why should I keep trying then? And I'm in USA, so far away from my hometown, my home country, my friends from my childhood.. I don't want to die as an immigrant and I can't even go back home cause I can't fly. I'm so lonely and pathetic...

I need to stop crying, my head will explode. I REALLY want to get better!!! Some people are not type A personalities an are ok to spend time at home & on the sofa. Not me!!! I love life!! I love life, I need to go out frequently, now I can't meet my friends as my brain fog is severe and I'm so tired and it makes no sense to meet them and listen how fun there lives are while I'm staring at the ceiling all day long.

Then I have a good day. God, I hate good days!!!!! That means another bad week is coming and I have a good day to remind me how sick I am. A good day means I can watch TV, recumbent bike for 30min, walk at home a bit and nurse my baby. Yay me!!! What kind of a life is this!?!!? People on this forum live like this for... years? Decades?! How?!!?!?!!?!? I cannot do this, you're all so strong!!! I need the pain to stop and to feel like my old self even for a while. I'm losing it.. I read you blogs of your bad days, of mommies who can't take care of their children or do parenting from the sofa... I can't!!!!!

I'm not so strong to watch someone take care of my child while I can't even find the energy to drink water. I can't learn to live with my biggest fear - uncontrollable anxiety, adrenaline rushes. I feel like I'm 99 - so old and tired. My soul is trapped in this terribly sick body. Cried my eyes out while typing this. I know I need help but NOTHING helps me!!! No med, no compensatory mechanism, nothing.. Maybe I am dying actually. Maybe I'm even dead. This is not the life I wanted.

[khaarina]

I'm not sure how to respond to this except to say that I've been where you are and know how you feel. It is such a long road trying to find the right doctors and the right meds, but I can assure you that if you keep pushing it will happen. You mentioned many of the meds I tried. None of them worked for me either. Have you tried Midodrine? When my cardiologist prescribed it I was really down on pretty much all medications, then I took my first dose and it felt like something had breathed life into me. After that, I discovered that Benedryl helps me sleep, and getting regular sleep helped me feel so much better during the day. Then I tried Prilosec and many of my gastrointestinal problems melted away. It took about 2 years, twenty-something doctors, and who knows how many tests and medications to get to where I am at, and I am still not back to my old self, but I eventually found the relief I needed to enjoy life again and I know you will too, but only if you keep fighting. You are at war with your body and that really, really *****, believe me I know. The good news is, you are here on DINET so you know, to some extent, what is going on with your body. It may not seem like it, but it gets better from here.

[E Soskis]

You are crying out for help - I hear you - I just responded to your other post on propranolol - please get help right this minute - if you have absolutely no one who can come over and assist you, go now to the local ER - tell them exactly what you are feeling and that you are sad and depressed.

You are postpartum and your hormones are all over the place. You have dysautonomia which messes with your head. You are sleep-deprived which is an assault to your psyche. Any one of these three things is enough to push anyone over the edge yet, you have them all at one time. This is a temporary state that can be worked through and handled.

You will get through this - you just need some help right now. We all need help at one time or another. Please go get the help you need - life will look differently when you have help, rest, and proper treatment.

[badhbt]

Please read your Private message I sent you.

Hugs.

[cupcakemomma5]

Please listen to this, I just found out about having pots, but I have had this since I was 17!

The hardest times in my life were not knowing why I was going Crazy! I thought about nothing else except how how was ruining things for my husband and two beautiful daughters ( at the time ) I ended up being house bound, due to the overwhelming anxiety I would have by doing something normal. After the birth of my 3rd daughter my post partum was horrific and then it seems like my symptoms came back full fledged...I was crying, I felt the whole why us! What did I do that my family has to deal with a gimpy mom...like what the heck!i sat in my bathroom with the door locked for over an hour deciding if my staying earth bound was worth it for my kids....you know what. It is the biggest reason. think of your Lil ones eyes and the love you have for her.

I wanted to prove that I was stronger, I pushed back. On my good days I took them. If I have to figure 1 good,2 bad. I'll tke it.slowly but surely I was able to conquer the postpartum and even better.....the anxiety! Even on my worst days, I would lie in bed and lock everything I needed for the day in my bedroom and made the best of it.

We all have those. Moments. I can understand having no family around mine also are not around. Where you from?

Please seek help about this. Having everything just seeming one thing after another can cracks even the strongest of us.

I am here to chat if you want to pm me.

Tara

[Jacquie802]

This is not an easy illness to deal with by any means. I have tried numerous meds and have not tolerated any of them. The one med I did well on was Zoloft. I have anxiety as well but the Zoloft helped with both POTS and Anxiety. Do you have any friends who live close that you can reach out to? I have a hard enough time caring for myself, I can't imagine how hard it must be to have a little one. Try your hardest to keep hope, over time your symptoms may ease up. Please PM me if you need someone to talk to or Atleast listen :0)

[issie]

You can do it Darlin! You are a strong woman. You are here in the States and have made this your home now. You worked at a good job and now your job is taking care of your baby and taking care of yourself. She needs you and that is enough to give you the strength to hold your head up and realize that YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! I agree with the others --you are having postpartum depression and on top of that POTS. Take one minute at a time and realize that life ---your life ----will get better. You are in a bit of a limbo state at the moment but, things will change and the sun will shine again.

You read these forums and us that have been here for a long time ----some of us have EDS and MCAS and things that complicate our POTS. But, there are many, many people who are no longer here ---because they are now well enough to not need the support that we all get from here. They may not be completely well - but, they no longer have the need to try to search for answers.

This is new to you and you haven't had it for life ----so there is a good chance that you will recover. Your body has been through an awful lot with a move of complete cultural differences for you and pregnancy and now a new baby. Lots of stress there with everything so new. Give yourself time to adjust. Many from this forum are reaching out to you ----you have instant friends. They KNOW what you are going through.

It's not a death sentence ---but, is a learning experience that in the end may give you some unexpected rewards. We hopefully learn from what we experience in life. And sometimes our lessons are hard to learn. But, we can always find something good in them when we look back. You will be the one trying to encourage others and telling them they can do it. YOU will be the one who can have EMPATHY for someone else ----because you KNOW what it's like and you KNOW how they feel. Unfortunately, those who have the most empathy for someone else are the ones who have experienced those things or something close to it. I know it doesn't feel like you will survive this -----but, Honey ----you will. Tomorrow, the sun will come up again and the sun will set again ---and you and yours will be okay and you will see another day and each day gives us the hope for a brighter day for the next day.

I always think about what one of my friends says ---we can look at a glass as half full or we can realize that same glass is completely full and is flowing over. You see, there may be something visable there of only half of the glass ---but, that glass is full of that and also air and in fact is overflowing with air. So, the glass is always full. We just have to get our mind to think that way.

Issie

[anna]

I think you may be dealing with a few things here,

1) Your body is worn out and needs time to get it's energy back, not every body is able to have a child then get on with life as if nothing had happened, for some people having a baby is very hard on their body. I for one took a long time to mend after my twin boys were born. I was in hospital for many weeks very POTSie (but the Dr.'s had no idea about POTS then) and my daughter and her twin brothers were at home without me!

2) You are unwell and far from things you are familiar with, most people feel low when in this situation it is natural to need things of comfort around you.

3) You are in panic mode thinking you will never be well again, it may take time but chances are you will be able to function more normally as time goes by.

You seem to have been given a few medicines that have not worked for you, that is not unusual really. Have you been able to eat any of the foods you were bought up on, many holistic practitioners believe we are what we eat and that our bodies have a biological need to eat food from where we came from as it contains important nutrients needed for the different ways our bodies metabolise our food. My husband is Chinese he really truly becomes unwell if he is not able to eat rice based dishes and say eats mainly pasta or wheat based food for a week!

Keep writing here where we can all keep an eye on you ok, gentle hugs.

[icesktr189]

I am so sorry. I have been in your shoes countles times and felt completely hopless and out of control. Please take it ffrom me, it DOES get better. Actually my POTS is not that much better from where I started, but I can now wrap my head around it. After time your nervous system will calm down. Have you tried an SSRI? They work great for POTS and anxiety/depression. Also a benzo to get you through the wprst days. If you feel just too overwhelmed, have someone watch the baby and check yourself into the hospital, so they can get you stable on meds. Good luck and remember, even though its so bad right now, it will get better!

[FarmerAmy]

I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible. I think we have all been there. POTS is something you can't imagine even in your worst nightmare.

Do you have emotional support? I feel like the emotional side of POTS is just as bad as the physical side. How are we supposed to deal mentally with this living ****?!? I see a psychologist every other week. She specializes in helping people cope with chronic illness. She has really saved me from losing my mind through all of this. I've also decided that I can be sick or I can be sick AND horribly depressed. I try hard to just be sick and keep the depression at bay.

I'm not sure this is true for you, but my symptoms are so much worse when I am upset. I feel hopeless and that triggers my anxiety and then it's all downhill from there. I do so much better when I focus on the positive things in my life. (I'll give you one positive thing to focus on....I'd give anything to have a newborn. I'm 41 and infertile. Even though motherhood isn't what you pictured, you are SO lucky to have a baby!)

I've learned that I really need to control my anxiety. I used to do yoga, but I'm too sick to do that anymore. Now I do breathing exercises and they help tremendously to calm me. I recently downloaded two breathing apps to my iPhone that I love. They're called "Relax" by Saagara and "Breathe2Relax" by NCTT. They really help to calm me down when I am flipping out about how sick I am.

This illness is so cruel and it is such a lonely journey. My life is far from what I dreamed it would be. But when I look around, I really do have a lot to be thankful for. I hope you can find some comfort and peace.

[Relax86]

I see your strength. And I've had days that felt like yours; meaning I and lots of people here believe and validate all that you're going thru. You are stronger than you know.

[Joann]

Altruism,

I totally understand all of your feelings. I have had them and some days still do. I am a type "a" person also and my "new" good days are now what my what my "old normal" bad day would be.

Just having a baby, your hormones are all over and I am sure that is making everything so much worse. Plus, and I say this as encouragement, you are in the early days. This just started in November? I really think that you will find that medication that will help you and as your hormones settle and you find some doctor to help you you will start to feel better. I am on two medications and it took a while form them to work. I didn't think they were doing much, it took months but, I couldn't get up to go to the bathroom and now on most days I can make all the meals, do the housework, take my daugher to her activities and do some shopping. I am still working to find the right treatment, doctor to continue to get better. I still get down... but I have less days where I can't get up and I have to remember that.

Having someone to talk to is important. I have found this site so helpul and I have made some friends thru this site and another, that have become close where we email and phone each other. It really helps.

Please PM me if you would like, or one of the others here. We understand and want to help.

[Altruism]

I feel blessed to have found this forum and all of you!! THANK YOU!!!

I'm not doing better, honestly, actually I feel worse. I get uncontrollable anxiety adrenaline attacks that are so severe ... I took 0.5 mg Klonopin and it's not helping. Should I up the dose more? I don't want to go to the ER, they never help me there..

IS THERE A TYPE OF ANXIETY that Klonopin cannot take care of? Even if it comes from my POTS and ANS, it should still be able to take the edge off, right? I need help urgently and I trust this med, so I'll take some more maybe.

I'll respond personally when I feel a tiny little better. Thank you for being here for me...

[arizona girl]

Big Hug! sorry your struggling! It will get better. I can't advise you on upping the dosage of klonopin, maybe a call to your doc or your insurance's nurses line might help with that.

Do you think there might be a possiblity your thyroid is acting up? This happened to my cousin post pregnancy, I don't think she has pots or it hasn't been diagnosed but she had a lot of the same symptoms that your describing. After months of feeling that way they found out she had postpartum thyroiditis. It couldn't hurt to ask your doctor to test your TSH, Free T4 and free T3 along with the tpo/ab thyroid antibodies.

Thyroid disease is one of the secondary conditions that can cause pots. My cousin went on thyroid hormones and did a 90degree turn. I myself had symptoms of thyroid disease for years, and was told my tsh was normal. It turns out I had hashimoto thyroiditis, with a normal tsh and ft3/ft4 at the opposite ends of the range. I become more hypo with synthroid and am now starting to level out with the addition of t3. With the leveling out my wide swings of bp/hr have also calmed down.

I'm hyperandregenic pots and was prescribed labetalol an alpha/beta combo that is short acting and has also worked well. Perhaps the klonopin as a benzo is causing you to build up a tolerance requiring more to control things. That is bad if that is happening, I had that happen to me when I was on clonodine, and coming off it was frightening. Something that you should really be asking your doctor about.

I hope and pray you feel better soon. I wished I had been blessed with a child, even though I know it would have been hard. Take care sweetie!

[FarmerAmy]

You should definitely talk to your doctor about increasing your Klonopin dose. 0.5mg is pretty low. When I am having bad anxiety I take 1mg or 1.5mg and it totally knocks me out--which is what I really need when I am having severe anxiety. I bet you can call an after-hours number for your doctor tonight or first thing in the morning.

[boymommy3]

I understand not wanting to go to the ER but please make an emergency appointment with your doctor tomorrow. If you tell them your situation I am sure they will work you in even if they are busy. Do you have any kind of support system at all??? I can't say that my symptoms have ever been as bad as yours seem but I do have so much compassion because I do know how hellish this is, and it just breaks my heart for you! I know about trying to be a mommy and trying to deal with this, I have 3 boys. I am so very sorry that you feel so badly. You are in my prayers!!!

[Angela]

altruism, I also think this could be thyroid related or postpardum dep. things get better, just hold on tight. I don't know if you have a supportive partner but listen to your child breath, most beautiful thing I have ever heard...other than rain and thunder:). luv ya....hope you are doing better. you know u can pm me anytime.

[FarmerAmy]

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you and hoping you're getting through the anxiety. I know it is so hard and scary.

Amy

[FarmerAmy]

Oh dear. I am worried about you. I know how bad severe anxiety and depression can be. I hope you find a way to pull through.

Amy

[Altruism]

Amy (and you of you, guys),

I truly appreciate your care and support! I couldn't have survived without them!

I'm taking a BB and starting an SSRI next week. So far nothing helps my symptoms, but at least I learned a lesson - I should never take 1/8th of Klonopin and then another 1/8 an hour later - it has to e taken altogether (like 0.5 or more), cause it has long half-life and then it can actually control my anxiety.

True. With 0.25 3 times daily or 0.5 twice, I seem to be doing a little better. I still get bad attacks, but they are nothing compared to the day I posted the thread. I hope BB affect anxiety by blocking NE too, so I truly expect an alleviation if not an improvement..

Thanks again! Love you!

[Altruism]

P.S. My thyroid levels were ok 2 months ago, unfortunately.. I wish it was something that simple. With an exaggerated Valsalva response in phase 4, very high standing NE (997) and failed TTT (180 pulse in 7 seconds), I think I finally know I have POTS with hyperadrenergic component. I hope it's a step towards recovery.

[SeattleRain]

P.S. My thyroid levels were ok 2 months ago, unfortunately.. I wish it was something that simple. With an exaggerated Valsalva response in phase 4, very high standing NE (997) and failed TTT (180 pulse in 7 seconds), I think I finally know I have POTS with hyperadrenergic component. I hope it's a step towards recovery.

What is an "exaggerated valsalva response"? What happens?

I was just reading about the physiological response here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valsalva_maneuver#Physiological_response

And how I think this could be part of my problem:

Vena cava compression: An increase in the resistance of the vena cava, as occurs when the thoracic vena cava becomes compressed during a Valsalva maneuver or during late pregnancy, decreases return.

[FarmerAmy]

I feel for you! The psychiatric meds are so tough! It is a little bit of trial and error--which you really don't need when you feel like you're loosing it!

It took me a while to learn how the doses of Klonipin affect me. Now I generally just take 0.5mg, but if I'm feeling really agitated, I will take 1mg.

Have you taken an SSRI before? I have taken anti-depressants off-and-on for about 7 years. For the last few years, I've been "on". The last time I had major depression was a living nightmare. I was a wreck for about 6 weeks. My doctor was somewhat conservative in increasing my dosage. And I was reluctant to call him when things weren't working fast enough. I thought I just had to be patient and wait it out. That was so not worth it! I was really hysterical one night and I called my doctor's after-hours number. He was out of town, so I talked to his backup doctor (actually, I sobbed to the backup doctor). I feel really fortunate that this happened because the backup doctor had me increase my dose by a lot and within about 3 days my mood was completely back to normal.

So lesson learned--don't be shy when you're suffering. Keep calling your doctor if your meds aren't working. Don't try to tough it out because they can normally help you with anxiety and depression.

Oh, and one other piece of advice....watch all the feel-good movies you can find on Netflix until you are feeling better. They really helped to distract me while I was waiting for the meds to kick in. I think I watched the whole Harry Potter series in a few days. I also watched a bunch of Jane Austen movies, Good Will Hunting--anything that I could get absorbed in just to take my mind off that fact that I was in the "abyss".

xo Amy

[yogini]

How old is your newborn? The first thing I thought of was postpartum depression, which someone else posted about. Also, POTS can be worse post-pregnancy - you lose blood volume, plus a lot of hormonal changes. Hang in there. Hope you get some help and feel better soon.

[Altruism]

Seattle, exaggerated Valsavla response in phase 4 is the so call "BP overshoot" - you get very high BP at the end of the test. I think it indicated sympathetic overactivity and/or automonic dysfunction, That can include issues with vagus nerve and vena cava, I think.

Yogini, my newborn is 2.5 months old. It all started 2 weeks before I gave birth with very mild symptoms that I thought were normal for being so heavy (like being very tired ad unable to stand still at grocery checkouts), but POTS severely debilitated me after a very difficult and traumatizing delivery. I lost 1/3 of my blood volume, was in excruciating pain for 48 hours, epidurals did not work, inductions neither..

Amy, I was on SSRI in December - Zoloft. Started slow at 6 mg and upped the dose to 25 mg and then started having severe "SVTs" or sinus tachy - don't know yet. I thought Zoloft is to blame and stopped it. Unfortunately, I keep getting these heart issues every night, so it was not the Zoloft. I'm restarting it next week (now getting used to the BB) and hoping to feel some improvement.