Are You & Partner Compatible When It Comes To Housework

[gertie]

I guess that's a crazy question & it may not belong on this forum. With Dys I don't have enough strength to keep house like I used to & since DH is retired I expected things to be easier on me. I like things as neat & uncluttered as possible which is not always the case now. DH is a pack rat & the messier the better for him which I must say stresses the heck out of me especially at this time of year. I never ask anyone to come over anymore because I don't want anyone to see the mess. I beg him to throw away & clean up but he says it looks fine to him. When I was young I did everything but now I depend on him which is a big disappointment to me. I stay very upset over this. He seems to resent anything he has to do relating to the home. In summer he keeps the yard work done but the house is another issue.

What kind of arrangement do you have with you DH or partners about keeping chores done? Maybe I expect too much. Thanks.

[potsgirl]

I don't think you expect too much at all. My boyfriend picks up the slack on everything I can't do, and he's even cheerful about it. I know I'm lucky in the I have someone who doesn't mind getting the groceries and doing the vacuuming or other chores I can't perform. I do the laundry (although if he's around, he transfers the heavy, wet stuff like towels and sheets into the dryer for me), try to dust, and swiffer the floors every other week. I also can do the toilets, and load the dishwasher. When I'm really down, though, and in bed, he'll take over most everything. He and I have the same notions of cleanliness, though, and our place always looks pretty picked up and clean.

Good luck with your husband...perhaps it would be worth a cleaning service twice a month to keep your stress level down and your hubby happy, too?

Cheers,

Jana

[gertie]

Thanks Jana, You are lucky to have someone that doesn't mind helping. Mine doesn't mind grocery shpg because it's mostly for him. A cleaning service would do no good until junk is thrown away. I would say it's because he's old but he's always been this way. I guess there are some good men out there. I

[firewatcher]

My DH and I are both genetic slobs. I am truly blessed that he has totally picked up the slack of housework when he is home...unfortunately he is home only 1/3-1/2 of the month, so the rest of the time I have to make do with everything till he comes back. I do all the cooking and groceries and he does the rest...as long as he is home. Together, we recently decided to pare down to the bare necessities, had a huge cleaning and a yard sale. We are working on it, but it is hard to change your "accumulative" thinking.

[kayjay]

You are not alone with this problem. My husband knows I have multiple health problems but he seems to not "get it at all". He is resentful if I ask him to do things and he won't even read up or learn about my health problems.

With that said he is a good man, a good father and I have to let a few things go. I feel sorry for him because someday he will get it - if he lives long enough. Also I feel sorry for people who are selfish and less compassionate because they are less happy.

I try to lower my expectations and do what I can in little bits. Maybe a good friend could help you little by little clear out some junk.

I am sorry I know how frustration this is. I married a pack rat and I like things clean. I have allocated one room in the house to my husband and I push his c@#p in there and stay out!

Not everyone has the character to rise to the occasion. I thank God for the way I was raised and spend a lot of time praying and saying thanks...helps my mood

[gertie]

Thanks firewatcher, I think you have the right attitude. I need to calm down.

kayjay, I know how you feel. If someone asked DH how I'm doing, even if I've been passed out or some other weird symptom, he always says she's just fine & starts talking about himself. I guess I'm an embarrassment to him. I think my DH doesn't want to be bothered with it & I can't blame him. I've printed out material for him to read & put it by his chair & he never reads it. If I try to talk about it he just gets a glassy look on his face. Like you said, he is a good man, he is just completely opposite to me. I do spend a lot of time praying for forgiveness because I get so angry at him.

I just watched "Hoarder" this afternoon & after seeing that, I think my house looks immaculate.

[Brye]

I have a lawn and garden kind of husband as well. Our yard/lawn is immaculate ... then you walk into the house. We argue a lot over chores around the house. Even if he just would empty the dish washer once in a while that would help! When pregnant with baby #4 I finally told him I needed more help. I needed him to give me just 15 minutes a day to help out with dishes/cleaning/floors etc. I told him if after a couple months he found this too difficult it wouldn't be a problem I would just hire someone to help me. After our 2 month evaluation nothing had changed. I now have a house cleaner who comes in every other week. It's hard sometimes because half the battle is picking up the clutter but it's well worth it. That has helped us some ... not solved everything but helped!!!

Brye

[bjt22]

It is difficult. I've never been a "house nazi". For years, we had small children, and I was content to have a path cleared out so we wouldn't injure ourselves.

That said, I CAN NOT watch my husband do housework. For years, I had systems...I did things a certain way because it made sense to do them that way. Since I've had to give over and let my husband be responsible for most of it...well....let's just say I do better if I don't actually watch him do it.

[Janey]

I have the opposite problem to you. My partner is obsessively clean and I am a real slob. Since I've been ill I've gone from a real slob to an *uber* slob and haven't been able to do very much housework. This has lead to my partner being very angry with me and has almost led to our break up. He would understand your annoyance, so maybe you need to talk to him!

I can understand where you're coming from though... i don't know why I'm not a tidy person who likes doing household chores, but I just don't "see" mess. There is no little voice inside me telling me to clean something or tidy up! I'm sure your partner doesn't do it intentionally, and you have to not take it so personally (this is what I say to my partner!) - "Just because I'm not tidying up for you, it is not an insult or a reflection of how I feel about you!"

Janey

[ladyt]

hi..

my parter and me have diffrent standers.. His are way to low really, but since i can do so very litle i feel i cant complain.

we have a washing lady every 14 days, she only do a few rooms, bathroom and the floors of the living,kithchen and bedroom. It cost a bit, but worth it. When i gett around to it my plan is to gett a privat person to do it, so the hole living floor will be cleaned. Now i have trhou the county, and they have very very strick and narrow rules of what they do.

my boyfriend is gone a lot. And more often than not i have it cleaner when he is not here. i cant really do much, but i do what i can when i can. if only for a minute. it can take me a couple of days to emty the dishwasher etc etc.

He makes bigg messes and preffer to push all houswork in front of him til it growe big big. That dont work for me. He hate house work, but i cant really say anything to him since i cant do much my self. But i figured out that i actually did more than him at times..

But hi is great at shopping all the croseries and making food. and that hi do very well. And i am very graetfull for it. and i try to rise his standers slightly. I dont need clean windows etc (as long as i can look out of my livivng room one )

But a bit cleaner kitschen and such could be nice. ust so one dont drown in the mess... ... But living whit cronic illnes also meen getting one head around life is well u cant always do thing the way one whant.. lowering my standers what a very very smart move for me. .. but lower than what they are now is not an option...

and if u can affrod it, a cleaning lady can take the pressure of bigg time.. even when its a few floors only...

[EarthMother]

Common standards is a theme here that works for the couples that are in sync about housekeeping responsiblities. Its probably like spending vs saving money; having pets; or even big things like fidelity ... you BOTH have to have common definitions and agreements to make things easy.

Not to say that things don't work if there is not a meeting of the minds, but that's when creative compromises must be reached.

Asking someone to clean something beyond their own level of "acceptable" is really difficult to enforce. I say this because I go round-a-bout with my teenagers on this issue all the time. ;-) But while badgering my kids is part of the package deal of being "mom", it would take the wind out of my sails to keep up that level of nagging with my spouse.

I'm fortunate my husband and I have both learned to overlook the atomic dust bunnies, cob webs in the vaulted ceilings and routinely step OVER piles of laundry that accumulate by the washer. It works for us for now until we can get a smaller place that is managable. For me, I keep my bedroom tidy. I ask my kids to help me sweep or mop my floor and I wash down my bathroom sink/counters and commode. Those are easy to do because its a small space and that is the extent of my energy.

As for the rest of the house, what works best for us is cleaning together ... all of us, one room at one time. Me, my kids and my husband. We can all chit-chat and get things done in much less time. And we don't try and tackle the whole house just one room ... once in a while.

When we both worked, I had help with the house cleaning. Not on option any more. But if are thinking along those lines and trying to figure out how to financially swing it ... you may want to consider hiring a neighborhood teen <somewhere there must be a teenager who knows how to clean, right?> There also may be people in your neighborhood who are inbetween jobs, active seniors, or stay-at-home Moms who might be willing to help for less money than a professional agency. If spending cash is simply out of the question ... you might barter a service in exchange for cleaning. I can usually cook (I have my kitchen worked out so I can do things within the limits of my POTS) and I know there are very busy friends who work fulltime who would appreciate a few home-cooked meals to pop in their freezer in exchange for some scrubbing and sweeping in my house.

Good luck finding creative solutions that work for you and your DH.

[pat57]

I'm probably the wrong person to ask this. But because of too any responsibliles I sold the house and moved to a condo. It was my house. I tryed to warn him, "I can't do this anymore, I need a house with no steps and no yard. "

This includes though, my daughter- he did not step up for her either. And she has a mental condition.

As far as I'm concerned he was mean leaving so much in my lap. He is not a mean person- but that was mean.

[Elfie]

Do you have adult children or grandchildren in the area? If so, you might ask them for help. They could help you with the decluttering and kinda bend your hubby's arm a little about trashing stuff. I am sure they probably still have things in your house, them removing them would help with the clutter and in the process everything else would get sorted through. If you have grandkids most would be happy to go help out grandma and grandpa. Even little kids can help with housework. They can sweep the floors or dust low things or even mop or scrub floors (with a sponge or small mop, we used to love to do this -- play with soap and water in grandma's house). Bigger kids could do anything.

Your husband frustrates me, I am actually a bit mad at him. I am sure he is a great guy, it is just a little close to home. Earlier this year I broke up with my fiance over a combination of abusive behavior and about CLEANLINESS. It sounds very pathetic-- but he was trashing the place until it smelled and we had cockroaches. I couldn't keep up with the level of filth he was creating and I was getting sick off of the living conditions.

It also reminds me of my parents. My mother stayed at home for fourteen years, until her youngest was out of elementary school. She took care of all the childrearing, cooking, cleaning, and many other things while my father worked long hours. However, now my mother works longer hours than my father. He refuses to help her around the house most of the time. When he does, he gets very angry and does a very odd and half-baked job (one time he decided to stick his hand down in the toilet with a sponge on no gloves to clean it, when the toilet brush was staring him in the face). It would be different if he took care of other responsibilities. He is supposed to do all the yard work. Sure, he mows the lawn, but has neglected it and now it is more weeds. The exterior of the house needs repairs. He refuses to let us take our vehicles to a mechanic but we have had several vehicles break down from neglect. The inside of the house needs many repairs, most of which have been sitting for years. My mother has a bad back and is not supposed to vacumn (our whole house is vacumned) or bend over the tub to scrub it. She is also not supposed to stand on the edge of the tub to bleach the bathroom ceiling. She also has lung issues and is supposed to avoid large amounts of dust and chemicals. When I lived at home, I tried to take care of most of these things, but now there are two perfectly capable men in the house -- and she does everything.

[janiedelite]

My husband comes from a family who holds onto their possessions that have any semblance of sentimental value. I come from a family who throws things away if they haven't been used in the past year. For example, I have one box of childhood memorabilia, and hubby has a closet of boxes of memorabilia (and part of a garage ).

I've never been super, eat-off-the-floor, clean. But I like my house to be neat and picked up. Hubby leaves a trail wherever he goes. Most days, I don't have the energy to even care. But this past summer, I explained how stressful it is for me to not be able to use our common spaces because they are covered with his stuff (he's very aware of how stress affects my body). He works full time, and just started a doctorate program so I knew we had to tackle the mess during his slow time. But together we sorted through and cleaned up. Then we came up with a shelving/filing system that he admits does make his life easier because he can finally find things. It took time, but he now understands how keeping picked up helps the both of us.

As far as all of the stuff goes, maybe there's a way to meet in the middle? When we first had to sort through my hubby's items, we kept most everything because it was too stressful for him to throw stuff away. So we bought lots of plastic storage bins and stacked them in the garage. Now the garage is crowded, but it's better than not being able to use our house. And, as time goes on, I go through those boxes occasionally and just organize things so they're more condensed. I don't throw anything away without asking him. Bottom line, he wanted to respect me and clean our living spaces and I wanted to respect him by keeping what he wanted.

We have considered a cleaning service, but thank goodness I'm well enough to manage the basics.

[scarfgirl]

My husband struggled big time to be able to keep up with housework whenever I fell behind. And I'm not exactly a neat freak. Eventually he decided to find a woman who could clean up after herself and him. Oh well....

[gertie]

Thanks everyone. It does seem that in every family there's one neat freak & one slob. I guess if both were the same it would be boring. In my mothers generation the woman did all the house work because she didn't usually work at a public job. Then my generation tried to have it all. Let's face it a lot of men are spoiled brats.

[Ravenau1]

My Husband is terrible at housework! Plus he could also burn water lol. But at the same time, he never ever criticizes my housekeeping abilities (or lack thereof). Sure he never picks up the vacuum but it's not important compared to all the things he does do for me. Since I've gotten sick, I've learned to live with a bit of mess.

[lissy]

My husband struggled big time to be able to keep up with housework whenever I fell behind. And I'm not exactly a neat freak. Eventually he decided to find a woman who could clean up after herself and him. Oh well....

(((((pat on the back))))) I think I'm on the same track

[daquinn]

And a lot of women are spoiled as well. I think it is less a gender issue and more of an issue of how we are brought up and what our expectations are of a partner. To varying degrees, we are all products of our childhood, no? Of course, I am simplifying here, but, in general, if a male child is not taught how to pick up and keep a house clean, in other words, if his parents constantly pick up after him, he is less likely to do so as an adult. I was fortunate in that my mother and father both expected me to be able to take care of myself and my own house as an adult. It's easy for me to do that now, thanks to them; of course, I'm a little OCD which doesn't hurt either I think what you are really upset about is that your husband is reluctant to change his behavior now that you are ill. And while I am sorry that this situation is causing you anxiety at a time in your life when you REALLY don't need any more, asking him to change is, well, a pretty big deal and may take a lot of time, love and patience on both sides. Someday, he will likely "get it." In the meantime, it might be healthier for you, in the short term, to adjust this expectation of him...easier said than done, I know.

Good luck.

[potsgirl]

I don't think women are generally "spoiled", since like you wrote, a lot of women were brought up being taught how to clean and cook, whereas men were not taught this in the same numbers as women. I agree that men may certainly have a 'learning curve' when it comes to doing more of the housework, but times have definitely changed and there are an increasing number of couples/families who have more of an equal distribution of housework now, even without the woman/man being ill. While what you say has merit, I also believe there's a strong undercurrent of support and adaptation that the spouses of these women/men have to make when it comes to chronic illnesses.

Thanks for posting!