I'm Hitting A Brick Wall

[lieze]

I can't handle taking care of four kids and a husband with the issues I'm having.

I am almost afraid to go to the hospital.

2 times today I got into pounding heart shortness of breath and then when I went to lay down had a pattern of PVC's I'm almost sure.

My heart issues have gotten worse since discontinuing the ensure but my stomach is opening up so it's like I gotta choose.

I really wish I could just be alone for several weeks and just feed myself rest up and put on a few pounds and have time to heal.

I am afraid I am going to die.

I cannot handle my load.

This is getting increasingly frustrating to find safe foods that do not contain corn.

When I do have an episode it takes time out from my ability to put calories into myself.

It could be both incidents were partially anxiety induced.

The first time we had gone done to the party shop.

We had paid for everything then my little guy couldn't make up his mind what he wanted.

Situations like this send me right over the edge.

So I didn't notice any of the abnormal rhythm till I got home and laid down.

Vital signs were fine both times when I checked.

As the feeling passed I could tell I had gas pressure and wondered if it is what caused the pressure feeling I had right over my heart.

Tonight then I got up to fix the kids supper.

Well I had a mess out there no dishes had been done the entire day.

I started feeling overwhelmed.

My son came up and asked me for jello.

I was making two different food items-head was spinning.

Then daughter came twice and asked for a back scratch.

I lost it.

Same feeling as in the store.

Came and laid down burst into tears thought this is it-something has to change.

Husband just laying on the couch I told him he had to look for clothes for the kids to wear tomorrow I could not do it he looked annoyed.

Last night I had a horrible lecture from him.

He is bipolar and has used marijuana to help calm his nerves-well he quit a couple weeks ago and what comes out of his mouth is horrible.

Tells me I'm killing the entire family.

That I don't have food allergies at all that I need to see a psychiatrist.

One horrible thing after another till he fell asleep.

He gets in very agitated dark moods and projects a lot of stuff on me.

It would be good to get away from that too.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

If I go to my parents and take the kids it's still stress.

I don't have the capacity to try to pack us for that.

I am in a mess and I don't see a way out right now.

I have been sick for so long I am exhausted.

This may very well be my turn around.

I have told myself I will try to stay up until I eat more food.

My weight is horrible although I try to eat all day.

[corina]

lieze,

i'm very sorry to hear of all of your problems. you've got so much going on that it would be difficult for even healthy people to handle all of this.

can you try get your kids involved in helping you? i have 2 sons myself and they had to help me from an early age. though i felt very guilty about it at that time, it made them feel great to be able to help. i'm talking about small tasks like choosing their own clothes the night before, help clean the dishes once a day, help lay the table, make breakfast, clean their own rooms. encourage them and reward them (afterwards of course )

are their any relatives or good friends able to give you a hand? like help you do grocerie shopping or doing the laundry? you def need some help and i really hope you'll be able to find it.

corina

[icesktr189]

The biggest issue here is to first deal with your anxiety.

I am in the SAME position right now and find myself become obsessed over everything with my POTS. I am definitely NOT saying you dont have food allergies or physical things going on, but anxiety will make everything ten times harder than it should be.

I am scared to death of starting my lexapro, but i know I have to do it. My anxiety is getting the better of me and taking a huge hold on my life now. Its from the stress that POTS has played in my life.

Trust me when I say that once you can rid of it, you will feel SO much better. I cant wait to get back to living again, even with POTS.

I hope you find relief soon and I truly know how hard it is to live everyday with fear. Its the worst feeling in the world.

Please dont let your husband bring you down. Blow the words off even though its hard to do. Take care of yourself and know we are all here for you :]

[enko]

hold in there lieze! I can't imagine how do you exactly feel, but I guess it's just horrible..

[sandymbme]

Oh you poor thing! You have a LOT on your shoulders, even without the illness. And unfortunately, the times we most need time for ourselves are the times we just don't have any. But you are going to HAVE to MAKE time. If going to your parents is too stressful, the things your husband is saying to you are abuse, contact your local battered women's shelter. I know that sounds extreme, especially given your circumstances, but that is probably a place where you would find the most support, help to get you back on your feet. You deserve more than what you have been handed, and you deserve some help. Please don't hesitate to get it, none of this is your fault, and very little is even in your ability to control. You'll be in my prayers.

Sandy

[MomtoGiuliana]

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. You need help and support. I agree with Corina that your older children are old enough to give you some support/help by helping to meet their own needs b/c you really need this help from them right now. Don't hesitate to reach out for help if that is friends, family (that you trust can be helpful) or community services.

[MamaTrain]

Lieze,

I am so very sorry you are having such a difficult time. My sons are older and it's easier for me but I do understand being overwhelmed. The hardest thing to learn is that you cant take care of anyone unless you take care of yourself first. I think your husband needs to lend alot more support but it sounds like he has his own issues so that may be difficult. Someone else suggested reaching out to family and I hope there is someone you can turn to do so. There are other womens groups out there that may be an option if you feel like you really dont know what else to do. Keep your chin up...you are doing better than you think you are!

KC

[HopeSprings]

Lieze, I don't know what to tell you to do. I feel very overwhelmed myself sometimes. Kids just need so much... parenting is tough enough for "regular" people, let alone adding illness on top of it. It's too bad your husband is behaving this way - how dissapointing. If family adds more stress than it's worth, maybe you could reach out to some friends?

[tinkerbella]

Lizie,

I'm so sorry for all you are going through.

You are a very strong woman, but a strong woman

can only take so much sweet one...

Your family needs you but they don't know

how to act without you in action. You need to retreat

to your bed and write orders clearly for all of those

around you that can help you. Scared family often

act that way.

You need to rest, nourish, and hydrate your body.

Someone can shop and buy if needed easy meals

can be used for the family that Dad can cook.

Don't let anyone emotionally abuse you! Speak up,

you are a loving, caring human being who is not well.

Pass out jobs to everyone in the family, and go on strike

in bed. Call in any extra help you can... If you keep getting

up just after you tell them you can't, they will never believe you.

Please take care of you! I remember how hard those days

were. I loved them, but being sick was so hard. If you don't

be good to you, it will only get worse.

I wish you rest, recovery, and an understanding family. You know

we love you here. So I hope you have a laptop so you can crawl

in bed with all you food and drinks for the day and rest.

(((((((HUGS))))))

Love,

Bellamia~

[janietrudell]

I am so sorry that you are going through this! It's hard enough when you have a supportive husband, I can't imagine what it would be like without one. I know how you feel and I agree with dani. It would be best if you could separate the anxiety from all the other issues you are having so you know exactly what you are dealing with. Believe me anxiety will make everything worse and overwhelming! I was having constant PVC's and other heart issues when I was very anxious. Now that I am not so anxious I don't get them often. Can you handle alprazalon (sp?), tamazepam, klonipin?? They were literally life savers for me when I was at my worst.

I hope things turn around for you!! And I hope your husband gets off his butt and starts to help out!

Janie

[tinkerbella]

I had a few other thoughts for you:

To reserve your energy:

Do you belong to a Church Group that might volunteer and help out?

Any group that might help out?

Can you food shop online?

Could you afford someone to come in to clean one day a week to help?

Do you use a wheelchair?

Do you use a shower chair?

Do you have to go over stairs? Wear a bag over your shoulder and and bring up and down as much as possible in one trip.

I have more but need to go now, but we are all going to die. We need to live for today and look for the gift in the day as there is one find it ~

And there is nothing to fear, but fear it's self... My mom used to tell me that all the time.

Blessings ~

Bellamia

[lieze]

Thank you so much everyone for your support.

I'm hanging in there.

Eating and drinking.

My mom is doing the leg work for me on finding some things I can tolerate. We are looking for a replacement for the ensure along with safe foods for me to eat and drink.

She brought me coconut milk and a plain cherry juice-nothing else in it. I may end up watering it down or putting a little in some sparkling water might be really good.

I finally found online a whey protein powder from grass fed cows online that looks almost identical to ensure you just make a shake or smoothies with it called proenergy.

We're going to look for it local or order from online if needed.

My parents are doing the running of the kids today-we may end up just going there not sure yet...we can go anytime.

I'll try to get help from my husband and kids as much as possible.

I feel okay lying in bed the idea of the hospital maybe isn't necessary?

I can eat and drink just need resources.

I am not up for a bunch of tests or blood draws.

That will just weaken me more I'm afraid.

So hanging in there.

My husband did go on another rant last night

I'm going to try not to worry about it and get his help instead.

[mwise]

Great big hug & more to you Lieze! Glad to hear you are getting some help from the parents and you are resting and eating. I am with many of the others-let the kids help too. As for hubby, he does have his issues with being bi-polar (sounds like in maniac phase). I would leave him be and hopefully he will work through this phase himself. Will keep you and all your family in our prayers.

A couple of ideas for calories: Try Stonyfield Products-they have smoothies & yogurt and are organic! You can find their products at Giant Eagle and Trader Joes. Actually Trader Joes yogurt brand is made by Stonyfield. I have even seen their Products at Wal Mart-yogurt. I am sure there are other stores that may carry these products. Just ask your local grocery stores to see if they can get it. It is usually found in the dairy section.

On-line shopping is great especially looking for organic, gluten and wheat free products. Just google any of those words and wow lots of sites out there.

Again, lots of hugs & love to you all. Hang in there and remember we are all here for you:)

[tinkerbella]

As someone once said to me, "You have too much on your buffet right now." I'm so glad plans have been made for the children right now. Inch by Inch progress will be made. Many with chronic illness have hit the brick wall, only the brave dare to talk about it. I will say a prayer right now for you and your family. Maybe, this is one of the learning points that each of us reaches with our illness....We can't move forward without going backwards .....and spinning our wheels in one place with someone mad at the world one day and fine the next is a red flag that perhaps the whole family could use some family counseling. You will be just fine sweet one, as look how much you have already gotten done.

Blessings and Love,

Bellamia ~

[Brye]

So sorry Lieze! I'll be praying for you. Raising 4 kids is exhausting for a healthy person. There is someone who needs something every minute of the day it seems. There is more work to do in the house than 2 people can ever do, especially since it sounds like your husband has things he needs to deal with. I get frustrated with my kids as well when they can't decide and the need to sit down is so overwhelming I can hardly stand it. Then if I lose my temper I feel bad because I know they don't really understand. You've already gotten some great advice I really don't have much to add. I am a member of a local MOMS club and that has been a great source of support. Maybe you could see if there's a group in your area. MOMS are great advisors and maybe they have some ideas of local resources. That's where I go if I need a babysitter, plumber, house cleaner, crib, clothes, ride for my kids, you get the idea. It's a yahoo group if you want to look and see if there's a group in your area. I'll be thinking of you. I must go now and try to do a few dishes before I go to bed. Similar situation here too!! Constant chaos!!!

Brye