Dealing With Loss

[friday7]

HI. I'm having a hard time today. I just keep seeing these holiday commercials and crying. I know the Holidays are hard for some people but I was hoping not to be one of them. It's just this year is even harder. I've been dealing with loss since my illness took over. I lost the ability to work, the ability to drive..not all of the time. but I still lost the freedom to just take off and drive whenever I feel like it. I live in Mid Jersey so I'd go to NY or Penn. or down the shore every few weeks. I haven't gone any of those places in years. Haven't even gone to the mall in years. I lost the ability to make plans..I never know how I am going to feel so its hard to make plans with other people. So I've e had these losses.

Then 8 years ago just when I lost all of this I lost my brother. We were close. We'd go out and he'd drive which was great. And he'd even understand if i had to go home because i felt sick. He still lived at home since he wasn't married and didnt' want to love alone. So, that actually provided me with company. And someone to laugh with. I miss that a lot.

My brothers I were always close and we'd go out together a lot. My other brother's wife never really wanted to come along but then my niece would go. And I had this little social group..and it was a fun one. We'd laugh all of the time. We'd make fun of everything, including ourselves. It was something I could depend on.

Then I lost Allen my brother in Jamuary 2001.

I had a hard time for a while because like i said he provided company, laughs, and a way out. He was my friend. At the same time I was dealing with the other losses in my life that I mentioned. This was a really hard time and even though I grieved for him a few years later I was grieving all of the losses in my life. I even went inpatient for therapy,and then outpatient in partial hospital.

Eventually I found my way through it.

And I even felt that I had learned something and gained strength in a weird way.

I continued to feel better about things and felt like I could deal with things.

then this past year..not a good one.

I'v e been sick a lot..Meaning I've had a lot of infections. Bacterial and fungal.

My Dad's been sick for a while. We were told he had Dementia but they never really explained what that meant. Other doctors disagreed with the diagnosis.

On short he became horrible to live with and took a lot of of my Mom. I always had her to talk to when things got bad and more and more that wasn't possible.

I of course Am an adult and need to learn to live without my Mommy.. but its' hard when you're sick yourself and have no one else.

But I had my niece for company . we were always close and since she had moved only a block away from us I got to see her a few times a week. It's great when you're e not up to going out, to have someone in your life to talk and laugh with, that's so nearby. Plus she brought life to the house.

Then this year, she got a boyfriend. She' 18 now. I expected to see her less and that's okay. But she just dissapeared. The thing is my father was getting worse all of the time so I know she didn't like being around that.

I think it was a combination of things.

I understand, but still it hurt. And it's still a huge loss.

Now, my Dad has gotten worse. They finally realized his liver is failing. That was what ws causing the eposodes of Dementia. ( he has liver cyrrosis caused by diabetic drugs he was on)

So now he is home, in a hosptal bed, we have Hospice coming daily to help take care of him. He cannot get up or talk he just sits and stares and sleeeps .

I feel i've been losing him for a whie since he has not been like himself for a few years. But he was stil there yknow? Now he's gone for hte most part. He's gone my brother Allen is gone. I feel like my niece is gone. And my Mother is so wrapped up in taking care of my Dad and she's getting older herself that I feel I'v e lost a lot of her as well.

I just feel like my whole family is gone.

And i have no one else. Aa an adult I never had close friends except for my brothers and niece. I did have one friend that stayed with me afer I got sick. And he really only sees me if i can go to him. He has no car. So if I dont' feel good I dont' see him Plus he's not the most fun. And he's not much support....He's just someone to pass the time with.

I just see these commerials and I can't help but remember how it was jut a few years ago. I remember a Christamas with a house full of family laughing and me feeling like a part of something.

I feel like it's all gone now., I feel so much loss. I feel it's loss i can't replace. I can't get out and find new people to fill my life. I can't even get out! And even if i can it's so hard to make friends nevermind when you'r e sick all of the time. Plus I always had a problem with shyness and found it hard to get close to people.

I Just don't see a good future. it scares me. I feel so much is lost. I get scared when I see my dad I get scared that one day I'll be like that only I'd be alone in a place with strangers taking care of me..poorly.

I have a therapist. and she tells me not to think about the future to concentrate on now. But I can't help it it' s in the back of my head. Plus now is not that great either.

I feel all of this loss and i don't know how to handle it. I miss my family, I miss my life, I miss my freedom, I miss feeling that I can have a future with good things in it..I dont' see how now.

And these stupid Christmas commercials keep reminding me pf all I used to have .

It's so hard because I only talk to my therapist once a week for 45 minutes, I need so much more.

I'm sorry to sound whiny or whatever I'm just trying to get all of this out. Hope you understand,

Sue

[Tammy]

Hi Sue,

I'm sorry the holidays can be so difficult. Everyone is going through something, and sometimes they just add up, one on top of the other, and keeps piling up until it gets so hard to cope with. And of course, the holiday commercials, where everyone looks delightfully happy are difficult to watch and can remind us of when things were a lot better and easier in our lives. Sometimes I just close my eyes and imagine life when it was happier and easier. I hope you find ways to find peace in the holidays and know that we are all here for you. Listening and offering words of comfort is something I am still able to do from my bed or recliner and at least gives me a purpose for the moment

Blessings,

Tammy

[pat57]

Wow. I could feel your hurt, it really came across.

Do you have any pets?

You could volenteer as a message board monitor someplace. That would give you a sense of accomplishment and

contribution. You could build frendships.

I think your dad has encelopathy. Lactulous works very well for that. Look up Hepatic encephalopathy. How old is he?

Your brother would not want you suffering like this, you know that. I suggest you try to remember fondly- the good times-

enjoy the memories.

good luck

[ramakentesh]

Im sorry your having a rough time.

Life can prettymuch suck some times and it certainly doesnt seem fair. People say that adversity gives you strength but for me i think it just makes you enjoy the good times more when they finally come again.

best of luck to you.

[firewatcher]

I was very down last night, so I called my best friend. This was in my email box this morning:

Thanksgiving Eve

by Bob Franke

It's so easy to dream of the days gone by

It's a hard thing to think of the times to come

But the grace to accept ev'ry moment as a gift

Is a gift that is given to some

What can you do with your days but work & hope

Let your dreams bind your work to your play

What can you do with each moment of your life

But love til you've loved it away

Love til you've loved it away

There are sorrows enough for the whole world's end

There are no guarantees but the grave

And the life that I live & the time I have spent

Are a treasure too precious to save

As it was so it is, as it is shall it be

And it shall be while lips that kiss have breath

Many waters indeed only nurture Love's seed

And its flower overshadows the power of death

We go on because we choose to. We make the best of what we have for the same reason.

"The light of one candle is not diminished by lighting another." This site has been my candle so many times!

Allow yourself to grieve, for it IS a loss, but do not allow the loss to consume you.

May you find peace, healing and joy!

[gertie]

Sue, I'm sorry for your sadness. I think I understand how you feel. I've lost my mom & dad, bro & have very few relatives left, which I don't see unless another relative dies. I don't have friends left because I can't get out & socialize or go to church anymore. I can't work so there's no extra money for gift giving. This time of year is the worst for me. I don't feel like cooking big meals anymore & that makes me feel even more guilty. It seems everything I say these days begins with "I used to". I don't seem to be making any new memories. I hope you will be feeling better soon.

[scarfgirl]

I understand how you feel. Ever since my husband ran out on me sometimes all I do is worry about being alone. Like you, I know I'm supposed to focus on the present, but whenever things start going bad physically I automatically start thinking the worst - me, alone, being tended to in a state run nursing home because I live below the poverty line and have nowhere else to go.

I'm getting better, but it's slow and painful. Today I was too sick to attend my family's Thanksgiving get-together and instead laid in bed going through all the worst case scenarios for my future. Now that I'm up and about I can let it all go, but I know those awful feelings will be back again.

Hang in there. Know you're not the only person going through this. And if you feel you need to 'whine' some more, go right ahead.

I'd give you and Alicia both a hug if I could.

[juliegee]

Sue,

You're right. It's natural for the loss of a loved one to remind us of other losses, not totally grieved. You wouldn't be human if watching your Dad's long good-bye didn't hurt Or remind you of losing Allen OR remind you of the slow loss of your health, etc. Juxtapose all of this against the supposed gaiety of the holiday season and it hurts even more.

To everything there is a season...this is your time to say good-bye to your beloved Father. Make each moment with him count. When/if he's aware enough to converse, reminisce about things you used to do together. He will cherish that. Play his favorite music, just hold his hand. When he finally passes, your Mom will need YOU more than ever.

You're wise enough to know that all of these losses taught you something and strengthened you. In your heart of hearts, I suspect that you're also wise enough to know that there is something more for you out there. There will come a time when you're ready to forge new relationships. The best is hardly behind you. It's just a really rough time. I'm so happy you can reach out to your therapist and to us.

You have so much life experience & empathy to offer. We're blessed to have you here. Keep posting.

Big Hugs-

Julie

[erikainorlando]

Thanks for posting.

Sometimes life hurts. My eyes are full of tears as I write this. I suppose I thought for a few minutes that my old boyfriend that had to go toi Utah to have fun and find himself might think of me on Thanksgiving and say hi or something. If leaving me to go to Utah was not enough...he is skiing and I am struggling to get my kids to the neighbors (thank god for her cooking for all of us this year).

I am sorry to go on about this I don't know why this hurts so much tonite...but it does...I am glad I have a place to share it.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Erika

[Guest tearose]

Please don't ever fret sharing here. We are your dinet family.

It hurts now because you want for something better for yourself. That is okay to want better. Let this all unfold and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will find the answers you seek.

warm hugs,

tearose

[persephone]

((((((((((((((((((((((((SUE)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss. Sue, I can be your friend- I know it's not the same as if I were there in person, because I'm in the UK but I am always at the end of an email or phone and I want you to know you're not on your own.

It's good you shared all that loss with us. Sharing is the first step towards healing.

I hate the holidays too because Christmas only ever reminds me of who is missing, who is not there but should be. I identify with a lot of what you're saying. You sound like such a loving sister and daughter. I live my life for my family too- and my focus has always been on my parents and my brother. I too am terrified of life without family, because I feel a lot that they are all I have.

Send me a pm if you want to chat more and I'll send you my email address and number

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))

[friday7]

HI everyone. I just want to thank you all for your messages. reading them helped me feel less alone. Sometimes you just need to hear that other people understand. It helps. I wish I could go through and answer each one of them but I'm feeling sick because of my stupid sinus again.

Still I feel a little better than the other day. I did have a nice thanksgiving with my Mom and my brother and his family and even though I don't get to spend as much time as I'd like with them at least I do have them.

To, pat57, yes my Dad has encelopathy, you're correct. We've known that for some time but It's just that the liver disease has progressed so much that the Latulose doesn' t really help anymore.

He's just at the point where nothing would help but a new liver and he's too old and sick(he's 78) to be able to handle an operation..plus they would never give him a liver in his condition.But thank you for sharing the information I appreciate it.

I think what is difficult is I feel as if i am grieving..not just about my father but about all of my losses. I felt that way a few years ago after I first loss my health then my brother. As I said I got through that stronger in a way, and I got this peace from it. I think that is what is going on now ..I just don't want to deal with it again.

But I get from your messages something I think I know deep down inside, that it is just a moment in time and it will pass. It is just really hard to live it right now. Maybe this time will teach me something and I will be better for it somewhere down the road. I just hope I can learn to find some peace in the present moment.

thank you all,

Sue

[pat57]

If it makes you feel any better,I hear that people with encelopathy are not in mental/emotional distress. I hope it does prove true for him.

I sometimes feel I might be overcome by sadness. It helps me to visualize my hurts in my closed hand which I open and set free.

Good luck

[juliegee]

(((((Sue)))))

[masumeh]

Hi Sue,

Loneliness is one of the hardest feelings to have. I think that we could all handle physical pain much more easily than the psychological pain of loneliness associated with chronic illness. Friends seem to disappear, because everybody, healthy or ill, has their own issues going on and they want to socialize as a fun release not to visit someone who can't have fun because they are sooo down. Most of my friends disappeared while I was sick, and reappeared when I got a bit better. That was interesting....but I know it was me too, I pushed people away because I didn't feel like myself, I didn't want them to see me siezing or fainting or weak or incoherent. I guess it's natural. In any case, I'm really sad that you have lost so much. Life will turn up again though, I'm sure. That's the way life goes...in phases, all temporary. You sound like a strong, loving, fun person, so I am sure you'll pull through.

[Rachel Cox]

Hi Sue,

grief is a terrible thing. Western cultures do little to help grieving people, it's not a clear state to be in, no one knows unless we say it and no one seems to care, until we do. And you did. What a beautiful way to honour your brother, to remember him on the forum. Now I feel like I have met him too, i'd love to hear more about him.

I lost my Mum couple of years ago. I felt like she was the only one who was ever in my corner, loving me unconditionally, interested in me no matter how much I went on!

I miss her so much. I found some of her Christmas tree decorations the other day and wham. I was hit by a "SUG" (sudden upsurge of grief). When those sugs hit, it's as though I lost her yesterday, not three years ago. I am reduced to a sobbing little girl who wants her Mummy. I understand about the terrible losses you are suffering. it is so unfair and so scary. There are just so many times you need to say something to the person you have lost. I hope your brother and my mum can hear it anyway, I just talk out loud and hope that she can. Sometimes I write to her.

Christmas time is a good chance to let ourselves cry. I think those ads are doing me a service. I am certain that the more tears i cry, the closer I get to happy.

I am thinking of you Sue. You are not alone, we are all here.

Rachel

[tinkerbella]

Hi Sue,

I'm really sorry for how you are feeling right now. I'm so

sorry for your losses. I think we all have our good days

and bad days of grieving the loss of ourselves. Some

more than others.

The holidays are the worst time of the year for me also.

Living alone, missing my ex as the holidays bring up old

feelings that I've stuffed. I actually bought some new

christmas ormanants yesterday I think for me to decorate

"our" little tree so I can take off all the old ornaments this

year.

I also miss being free to drive, be able to do anything I

want... Depending on others for everything is the pits.

I've made a lot of new friends this year and last week

one of my new friends that have enriched my life so

much this year found out her young son is in ICU with

a brain embolism. My heart broke as she always wrondered

how I made it through all I have to deal with. Now I

can't stop thinking of her and the pain she is in. I pray

For her and her son and I'll add you to my list that you

will find some comfort here.

If you would like a friend please feel free to email me and I can

send you my addy. the mail from my friends here help me so very

much.

I Believe that with us all together we will surive, comfort and be there

for one another right here.

I'm actually looking forward to a good cry tonight, as I believe there is

a hallmark movie on about a dog tonight.

Sometimes I need a good old purged cry with the help of a comercial,

movie, email from a friend and even the Dinet documentary.

I send you ((((HUGS))) and hope you feel better soon.

Bellamia~

[Sophia3]

Sue

So sorry for all you have going on. Yes the holidays are VERY depressing for many of us..especially the older we are, the less friends and family we have...thus each loss is a larger impact than those with large family members. Each loss is a huge void to one's life times of memories.

And if you can't get out to initiate new relationships, it's more difficult. Of course more friends & new ones NEVER REPLACE loved ones...but helps to fill the gaps as we learn to deal with stages of grief & move on.

I am glad you had a nice Thanksgiving..never feel bad for venting here. I mute & channel surf commercials (keep remote next to you!!) as all the commercial emotionalism is too much.

Fake happieness wears us out.

[potsgirl]

BellaMia,

How funny...I usually need a sad movie to get a good cry, too. I just can almost never cry anymore. I'm sure a lot of that is due to my Paxil, but I do miss being able to let grief out once in a while. It's odd to be so perpetually 'even'.

Cheers,

Jana

[extern14]

Hi Sue.

Holidays are rough on everyone! I know I'm not saying anything you haven't already heard or know but just wanted to say it. You have a friend in me. I don't know where you live but virtual friends can be just as nice. I completely understand though. Just know that you have a lot of friends here and that you aren't alone. There are many of us out there who are going through rough times. Anytime you need to talk or vent, just email me or come on here. You will feel better. Count the blessings in your life. It may not seem like you have a lot but when you stop and take a look at it all, you will be surprised at how much you do have!

Thinking of you,

Kari