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I FINALLY finished my first semester so...


Sunfish
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okay....i had to share with you all b/c you're the ones who truly "get it."

i FINALLY am finished with my semester. i finished my paper earlier this evening. yes it "should" have been done a month ago but whatever. and it's far from my best writing but 28 pages not including the extras has got to be good for something and i did great in my two other classes so i can deal with one not-so-well if that's what happens. illness has tempered my type A grade obcession at least a bit....i'm just thrilled now that i got through the semester which - as most of you know - had more than its share of challenges.

but the new semester starts tuesday and the deal was that if i couldn't finish the paper by then i was in no position to start new classes. so just by the tail of my chinnie chin chin, eh?

i haven't really said anything but i've been doing a lot of soul searching, reality-checking, etc. as well as talking with my parents and some docs re: whether my pushing with the school thing is a good idea or not. in short when does my stubbornness and determination turn into stupidity and denial? and there is definitely nothing even near consensus.

honestly doing nothing else at the expense of school, i.e. no cleaning, shopping, cooking, socializing, going to church, etc. isn't too grand. particularly in light of thinking about the money i'm putting out for school when i don't know how i'll ever be able to do the field work requirement. and then there's the issue of what i'm going to be able to do with my degree - WHEN :) i get it - anyway. there's no way i could hold down anything resembling even a part time job with my current limitations.

and while i never negate the possibility and hope of improvement i have to acknowledge my reality too in regard to how my health has progressed over the years, what the tests & docs say, etc. at least to an extent :)

and it's not like i finished school up in a timely fashion either. but while not going to school would make some things easier it would make other things harder. and i feel like - unless it's for a prescribed treatment plan or a realistic hope of time improving things - i can't just throw in the towel at this point. others have varying opinions but for now i'm sticking with the stubborn plan.

ha....and i thought i was just going to post my little celebratory "i finished my paper" note.

you obviously got a lot more than that :P

i'll probably be quiet over the weekend as i have a friend coming into town who i haven't seen in almost a year. not that we'll be doing anything rowdy but i'll probably be chatting & movie-watching more than hanging out on my computer. i'm hoping she has taken me seriously on the phone re: how much i won't be able to do. and what a disaster my apartment is B) i'm sort of kicking myself for letting her come right before classes start b/c i'm sure it will wipe me out but do want to see her. and the middle of the semester wouldn't necessarily be any better. it's just that when we made the plans i didn't expect to have this paper dragging on until now. oh well...it'll still be good to see an old bud.

geesh. i really need to get to sleep now.

g'night all,

B) melissa

Edited by Sunfish
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Melissa,

I am sooo happy that you finished your classes!!!!!!!! I don't think you should give up on going to school, because it's something you want to do. You have gotten so far now, why give up? Obv. if health wise you think you'll get worse with the added stress, etc then I would figure out waht you really have to do.

I had taken EMT courses (enrolled before the POTS symptoms came back worse than ever) and had to quit, becaues it was too much for me to sit in 90 degree weather 8 hours at a time w/o air conditioning. Even though I couldn't do the EMT work after I finished due to the limitations I have from the POTS, I wish like heck that I could have finished the course. I feel like a quitter, but I knew that I couldn't finish the class under the circumstances.

Anyhow, I hope you have a great weekend with your friend who's coming to town! :) Take care.

Jacquie

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:) Melissa

Congratulations - Rachel is finishing up one class now as well. I completely understand about only being able to do classwork and nothing else. By the end of last semester, Rachel did not even leave her room for dinner! She finished her other classes with an A including college physics (26 started the class and only 8 finished!!)

I am sure your friend will understand any mess. You need some time to hang out with a friend as well. Good luck with next semester.

Louise

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Good for you Melissa! (I still have one to do from Summer session II last year...ugh). I don't have any words of wisdom about when to say "I can't do this anymore"--I'm still plugging along too. And, like you, I'm so darned stubborn. There are times when I think I'm crazy for trying to get my doctorate, as my body is so unforgiving. But, I guess you understand the drive to keep going.

Nina

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Nice Job, Melissa!

You've worked so hard in the face of so many obstacles. I have the same decisions to make regarding school. It is so hard. There are no easy answers. Just trying to finish my thesis has proven difficult. My dad was going to drive me in for a couple hours today but i was too sick. Completely frustrating. Anyway, have fun with your friend this weekend! It always feels good to have some social time...makes you feel more normal (even if you can't go 'out') B)

Kristen

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Congrats on your successes, Melissa!

Whatever you decide about school, I support your decision. I do try to encourage people to plug along with their dreams for as long as possible because you just never know when something pretty miraculous might happen....just look at Emma in our newsletters. She was once wheelchair bound and now has no symptoms. Pretty remarkable.

Michelle

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Congratulations sweet Melissa, sorry I can't help it, and it's good to vent about this conundrum, but when it comes down to it, only you can decide what the best course of action for you to take is.

As ever we will support you, what ever you decide. I pushed way past my limits for a very long time and still question things sometimes, but that's just a part of this life we have. Have a quiet, and great week end! morgan

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Hello Melissa!

I have really been wondering how you are doing and wondering where you were at with the school thing.

I read your post...and I had a hard time figuring out at first what you had decided to do about going back. But, you have decided to give it a go, did I read it right?

I can certainly tell how conflicted you are about the decision. I am glad you shared what is going on with us.

And, yeah for the paper....rah, rah, rah! :( Pom poms in hand!

I don't know if there is a 'right' or 'wrong' decision about going to school...I guess it's just more what you feel is best for YOU, eh? I just wish you health/body would cooperate and there wouldn't have to be this tough decision.

I hope your visit with your friend is good and not too taxing...hey mabye she will even clean your apt. for you while she is there? hehe.I know my friends would do it for me, but it is sooooo hard to let them or to ask them!

Use all your energy to be with her and enjoy the company, as it is such a treat to have visitors...and don't worry about posting! :) k? No guilt! You've been putting in way more than I can even imagine keeping up with on the forum!

Hey, how's the cpap machine working? I hope it's helping.

Well, my 'ol Ambien is kicking in....

Just wanted to thank you for updating us and please keep us posted on the school stuff...I know that this is something that you want soooo badly to be able to do and I really admrie that.

Em

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a VERY quick thanks (yes, i am capable of a short post....occassionally :D ) for all of your support and understanding - as always. on on my way to get my friend but wanted to let you all know how much i appreciate all of you.

B) melissa

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