Madwife Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Hi all, I'm so sorry to come on and moan as I know we all have our hardship's but I am really struggling emotionally today and jus need some of ur guys wisdom to get through...Today is the 4th December the day when my baby would have been due...an unplanned pregnancy and was taking oral contraceptive pill but however I fell pregnant. At 16 wks pregnant I found that the baby had suspected severe spina bifida as a likely result of some of my medication, and with a history of previous cardiac arrests I was told it was unlikely that I would reach 24wks gestation without a further cardiac arrest, obviously putting both my own and my baby's life at risk...I was therefore strongly advised to terminate the pregnancy. This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life but after hard consideration of all the factors such as my illness, the fact that I was now on my own as my partner walked out on me upon finding out I was pregnant, and the possible difficulties that my baby would face I took the decision to terminate. It was a decision that broke my heart and sent me back into depression.I am sitting here tonight in the midst of a night shift working as a midwife looking at all the beautiful babies that surround me and I just want to scream and run.I am so privilleged to have been able to maintain my dream and return to working as a midwife, when i know so many of u are bed/housebound and I do know how lucky I am but I am finding it really hard.I still feel so guilty about my decision and feel I have no right to wonder what if...but I do. I so long to be a mom and tohold my baby in my arms but i don't know it is something I will ever deserve.I just feel so lonely....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roselover Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Oh Zoe,I grieve with you tonight. Anniversaries like this one are so hard. I wish I could just sit down next to you and cry with you. It just doesn't help to say "things could be worse for me". When it hurts, it hurts and this really hurts.I believe you can hold your baby one day and he/she will know you as mommy. But until that time comes, it's OK to grieve what you lost.Sending a big hug,~Roselover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madwife Posted December 4, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Roselover thankyou...it helps to know someone is there in spirit with me. I have an hour left of my shift but I know that sleep will not be happening today and I am back in for another 12hrs tonight so dread to think of the POTS hole I'm gonna end up in but I know no way round. Just wish there was someone at home waiting for me to talk to and hug...but there is no one and my family don't live close but I can't talk tothem no more as they can't understand why I have not got over this. Maybe i have made this into more of a drama than it should be to them but it hurts me beyond belief and I don't think I will ever forgive myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Madwife,It sounds like you made your decision based on the information you had. That is all a person can do. Do not be judgemental of yourself for that. You have a wonderful job helping babies to be born healthy and safe. I admire you for that!Take care,Marie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dizzygirl Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Zoe..I am crying with you right now and hugging you at the same time.. I iwsh that i were there to give you a live and in person hug..but am sending lots of virtual cyber HUGS your way!!I believe that you made the best possible decision that could be made consdiering the outcome of things...please dont be harsh with yourself...there is no timeline on grief my dear.. dont let anybody tell you "you should be over it".. you grieve in your own way and at your own pace.. and know that we are here for you thru the long haul...please take care...hugs to you!Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawg Tired Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Zoe, I, too wish I could be there to hug you and hold you while you are going through all of this. I feel that you made a very brave decision, and I know how terribly, terribly difficult these anniversaries are. I will be praying for you to have some peace in your life and some healing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
persephone Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Right here with you, Zoe, hug at hand. You must feel awful. I think of you every day and I admire you for being so strong. It must be so painful for you to work with those babies. But I know you can do it- because you're you, and you're amazing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
corina Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Hi Zoe,I am so sorry for your loss, life can be so hard. I admire your strength working in between all those babies. You made the right decision, but it's so very difficult. Take your time to let this heal, will be thinking of you,love and hugs,Corina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bamagirl Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 I am sending you **HUGS** right now. Please know that you did what was best for your baby and yourself. GOD works in mysterious ways. I had a similar situation myself and I cry almost every day over it and cannot go one day without thinking about my baby that is not here with me. Again, we do the best we can. Let's no beat ourselves up anymore than we already do. Let's give ourselves a pat on the back for dealing with such a complex illness and keep going strong!! Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care.bamagirl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MightyMouse Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 Hugs to you Zoe. Given what you've been through, a heavy heart is normal... there's no other way past such a terrible time than to go through it--going under, over or around greif only leaves you defer the sadness for later. All I can say is that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you are able to get through this time knowing that people care about you.Nina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DSM3KIDZ Posted December 4, 2005 Report Share Posted December 4, 2005 It takes a strong person to make the kind of desicion that you unfortunately had to make. I'm sorry for your hurt and wish we could all be together on nights like these so we could have a group hug.You never know what the future holds..........I wish you the best.When you feel alone turn to us. (((((hugs)))))))Dayna Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madwife Posted December 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 Guys thankyou all so much for your kindness and support it means so much knowing i'm not totally alone.It's a really busy shift here tonight so in some ways it helps not having the time to think too much but it's also very hard. Have not had any sleep today so am struggling POTS wise tonight but I know I will make it through knowing u guys are out there. Once again thank u too everyone who has taken the time to send there hugs. Love u all x x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cnm1 Posted December 5, 2005 Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 (((Zoe))) I am also a nursemidwife. I think that working around babies while mourning the loss of one is always hard. I have many patients who have had abortions - for many reasons. I rarely see women grieving their decision to have an abortion but I do see them grieving the situation that led the the decision. The gravely ill baby, health problems, the partner who left. poverty whatever. I suspect that know that you made the right decision but you wish it hadn't been that way. Louise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brwneyedchica Posted December 5, 2005 Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 Hi Zoe,I haven't been online much lately, but i'm glad I happened upon your post tonight. It really struck a chord with me. I think I know how you feel. I found out that I was pregnant (while also taking oral contraceptives)just this August and I had a miscarriage when I was 7 weeks along....just when I had accepted it and began to be excited about it. Two days after the miscarriage my boyfriend left. To make matters worse I have three younger cousins all pregnant right now, and that's hard for me. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be surrounded by little ones at work. You did what was best with what you were given in that situation, you can't blame yourself. In my mind you lost your baby, just as I did. It's hard... I feel your pain. Everytime I look at a baby, I feel your pain. Perhaps when the time is right, they can wean you off your meds and get your health under control and you can try again? Or maybe you can adopt...My hope for you is that you meet "the right one," someone who will be very supportive of you, and who will stick around even when things are bad, and when the time is right, you will have a little one of your own.... i'm sure you deserve it. I'm so sorry for your loss. You're not alone. ~ Hugs~ Alicia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Madwife Posted December 5, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 Alicia I'm sending u lots of hugs it is so hard, especially when left alone to deal with it all. I know so many women have experienced what we have but it is just that more difficult when u have chronic illness to deal with aswell. Thank u for sharing ur experience with me and ur kindness. I too hope that u will find happiness and that u experience the joy of motherhood when the time is right. For us that time was just not meant to be now, it is hard but we have our little angels up there being cared for untill we can be with them.Take care x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4cem Posted December 5, 2005 Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 ((hugs)) to you. Though personally I have not had that experience I worked in ob/gyn field for many years. As you well know, you see many things, many hard choices/decisions that a single person or couple must make. It will take time to heal, and unfortunately all you can do is wait for it to begin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
becky Posted December 5, 2005 Report Share Posted December 5, 2005 HI Zoe, ican't even begin to imagine how heartbreaking this is for you but you made the right decision with all of the information that you had. it's ok to still grieve (sp?) we're all here for you, if you need to talk give me a call. lots of love and big hugs becks x x x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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