StaceyYount Posted November 6, 2005 Report Share Posted November 6, 2005 It is 10 years ago today this illness brought me down and into my house and bed. And still 10 years later my world mainly exists of this room and this bed and trips to doctors. How can that be possible??????? I was not able to sleep because I have tried to not think about what 10 years really means but last night it hit me and I just can?t believe it. This can?t be a life and to be honest I am even to weak and to headachy and just to sick to really type and scream what I want to. I hate this, I hate feeling like crap all the time , I hate people not understanding, I hate the time I have lost, I hate not feeling like me, I hate pain (duh), I hate that I am here alone while everyone else is enjoying life. I hate that I can't even walk to the fornt door without almost fainiting on the poor delivery person. I hate that even going to sit outside makes me so tired I want to cry. I hate losing hope that this isn?t all my life will ever be and that this is all Jims life will ever be. I hate that he is so unhappy now and I hate that right now I have nothing that helps me really. And instead of getting better this year it has actually been a downhill slide. The thing that gets me more than anything is that though I have been much worse I still am not even back to how I was when I first got sick. And that was awful, after 10 years I am worse! IS this ever ever going to go away. One thing my wonderful husband did say was Well you have lost 10 years but at least you have survived through this illness for awhile I wasn't sure. And That is true. But I want a life back, I want to feel better, I want to be able to do things, I want people to stop feeling like they have to manipulate me to get me to do things because they don't understand that the days I feel like doing things I do and can but the days I can't I can't.I hate that I can't be a help to my sister and Mom with my dad still so sick and I hate that I can't be there for him and go to see him more. I know I say this every year but I remember panicking because I was going to have to miss 2 weeks of school, when they told me that I got a virus on top of my bronchitis. Little did I know I would not be going back to school. And to top it off, my Doctor, the one who knew me and was so understanding and was my base is leaving. He has been my Primary care doctor for 9 years. He saw me through the worst when I was 84 lbs, through finally getting a diagnosis and through these years after. And now I have to start over with a new doctor and I am really scared about that. I have an appointment to see the traitor on Nov 8th and I am hoping he will be able to recommend someone and I am going to give him a piece of my mind how dare he leave. LOL. But god to have to explain all this to someone new. and then I mean most of the time when I ask Dr. G for pain meds he gives them to me a little stingily sometimes but always when I ask him when I see him. And the injections are sometimes the only thing that can get me through a headache and I know from experience that 1 of the other doctors in the practice will not give them to me and what am I going to do??????????? Jim says we may have to try a pain doctor again but then you have to try all these new things and I never understand is if I have found something that works and I don?t abuse it. Why I can?t I have that? Ok sorry did not mean to go off on that too.If I had the energy I probably throw a pillow or something but I don't even feel like doing that!Sorry for the long post but I needed to tell someone who I knew would understand.So if you have any spare hope or strength can you send it my way, I really need it today.Stacey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.