Balancing Relationships

[Janey]

I am having real trouble with this guys, and I don't want my boyfriend to leave me on top of everything else that is happening, so just interested in how you all manage this.

One of the biggest stresses arising from having POTS/EDS/Gastroparesis is that I can't actually do half of the housework. It is the endless bone of contention between myself and my boyfriend, as in most relationships, it's mostly the woman pushing the man to do more around the house. And in our case, it's reversed.

He understands to a certain extent how my POTS/EDS prevents me from standing up/bending over/moving around too much, but when you add to that not being able to move for two hours after eating a meal (therefore not washing up, clearing plates etc) it just looks bad. I can see him looking at me sometimes as if I must be faking, but I'm really not. He says things like "If you can walk up the stairs to go to the toilet, you can at least put the dishes into the dishwasher." This is true, but only at certain times, ie, not after a meal (which is when he wants it done the most!) I try to explain this to him, and understandably it's hard for him as throughout his life he's never had that feeling after eating a meal that the food just won't go down!

I've tried to clean the bathroom a few times, but each time it makes my POTS worse. I start getting vision problems so I can't even see the tiles, and the smell of the chemicals makes me feel sick. I always finish the job, but end up in bed for the next two hours which sets me back even further and means that the next day I can't do any housework. But then sometimes I have days (like we all do) when I'm like a normal person and I can do all the housework and have sex and socialize. And he sees the dramatic difference and thinks I must be faking all those other times.

In my boyfriend's ideal world I would do HALF of the housework and be able to make love with him every night. That's not too much to ask for a normal person, is it? In fact, compared to some households that's pretty reasonable. But I just can't. I've tried to spell out the full extent of the problem to him and he understands to a point, but he compares me having the strength to get up and go to work each morning and sit at an office desk, with doing the housework and having sex, but I can't do both. I have a limited amount of stamina, and when he starts accusing me of being lazy or saying "If you can do x, you can surely do y," it just makes me feel awful because he has no idea how I have to preserve and prepare myself for hours before I do ANYTHING strenuous.

He will not pay the full rent of our house because he believes that everything should be straight down the middle. He is into fairness in a big way. This is not a bad trait at all in someone that you're in a relationship with, but when you have POTS the balance gets so skewed. This means I have to continue working while I'm ill so that I have enough money to make my contribution. Sometimes this is fine and sometimes it isn't. I am taking a month's paid sick leave next week, so looking forward to this rest, but I worry about the future. What if I get to a point where I can no longer work and he has to look after me? Will there be a point where he sees that I'm too ill to do the things he wants me to do? If he does see that I'm too ill and that I don't have anything to give to the relationship anymore, will he leave me?

When we "talk" about this and I try to get him to understand how ill I feel he says "I just want you to do as much as you CAN," but the problem is, he doesn't believe me when I show him the extent of what I CAN actually do!

Does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom for this? I don't want to have conveyed him badly as he's an excellent boyfriend and one of the lovliest people I've ever known, but I feel like I'm falling short as a girlfriend AND as a woman.

[potsgirl]

Hi Janey,

First of all, congratulations on going to work and doing as much as you can around the house. You are right not to push yourself too much, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty when you can't do things such as 1/2 the housework. There's compromise in a good relationship, and though your boyfriend doesn't understand your illness very well, you should expect someone to be compassionate and caring, and believe you when you say you just can't do something. A rigid 50/50 split is just not workable with our condition. Does he ever go to a doctor's appointment with you? Have you tried counseling? I don't think you should feel guilty and pushed most of the time for things that you can't honestly do, and your boyfriend is just going to have to take your word for it.

I've heard about this problem for others on the Forum, but there certainly are many great men out there who can understand and emphasize, and don't mind pulling more of the weight here and there - or all of the time, for that matter. My boyfriend of 5 years has been terrific, and I consider myself very lucky. Please don't let this cause you too much stress and guilt...You sound like you're giving it your best!

Cheers,

Jana

[kayjay]

I think it is really important to remember that you did not ask for this illness and you did nothing to "get it". It is not "fair that you are not healthy." I have been married for 12 years and have been sick for almost the whole time. My husband really struggled sometimes with thinking that I was lazy until I got diagnosed.

Can you get your boyfriend to read about POTS on this website? It is a really weird illness and hard to understand. Most likely he does not understand. Find other people in your life (family maybe) who are willing to help you. It may not always be healthy to be dependent on one person. I ask my mom to help me with chores that I struggle with. I help her out doing things that I can sit and do. We also pay a woman to come in once a week to help me out with cleaning... I know it is an expense but when my husband gets home from work he does not want to do chores ( I am too POTSY to work).

One other thing to think about in a relationship is to not settle. When you are sick you may forget that you deserve respect and kindness. Also you see the best in you partner BEFORE you get married. My husband and I never even argued before we married. Make sure that you are treating yourself with respect and not settling for less then you deserve. Life is hard with and without POTS and being with the right person can make it eaiser but the wrong person makes life harder... just my two cents... good luch and I hope you are feeling well. You need to take care of your-self because you are more important then a clean bathroom! Best wishes

[EarthMother]

Sorry sweetie, I feel for you. I can sense you are trying so hard to protect yourself from 'overdoing it' and at the same time defending yourself for the choices you are making. At some level all of our conversations have so much cellular memories and bio-chemical triggers. And this may be something that just pushes both your buttons.

When I had to stop working and my husband left his career to help take care of me a lot of things changed. We were fortunate in our two-income home to have been able to afford assistance in cleaning the house. My floors were mopped 2-3 times a week, our bathrooms spotless and the kitchen always neat and tidy.

I simply can't take on even a quarter of the load it would take to keep the house up to that level of 'clean'. So bottom line for us ... it isn't. Sometimes dishes stay in the sink, until someone puts them in the dishwasher. Clothes may stay folded in a clothes bin for days before they are hung. And dust bunnies? Let's just say I had no idea what it takes to keep these at bay when I worked and realize now that until I can do more ... the house will have to manage with less.

Ofcourse I don't mean cockroach, mold or critters running around ... just that we all had to lower our expectations. In that case ... if you can't do half ... half just doesn't get done. No need to ask your husband to do more than he feels able to handle.

That said, here are my tips on what things DO work for me by way of house maintainance:

* Get as much of the kitchen clean BEFORE YOU EAT. We can't wash pans and mixing bowls with the post-pranial ick -- so as best you can tidy up before you sit down to eat.

* Dust pan and hand broom. I can't stand to sweep or mop, but if I am having a 'good day', I can get on my hands and knees and "sweep" using a dust pan and hand broom. Does it take me longer? Sure. But its something I can do, so I do it when I can. I also "mop" the floor with a hand sponge and a bowl of hot water and vinegar. I can't do a big room all in one day ... but I can do bits and pieces and every little bit does help.

* We have very few chemicals in our home. Occasionally I'll use a spray bottle with diluted bleach, but most often its vinegar in various concentrations. Sometimes baking soda. Never together ;-)

Goodluck finding creative ways you and your partner can make a clean start!

[ladyt]

hi..

this is a hard one... my boyfriend is luckly not expeting me to to half the house work.. Well half and half, he is not very happy about cleaning.. So now we are gonig to get some one to do the floores and bathroom every 14 day..My boyfriend was a bitt worried about the cost of it.. But even thou I have lowered my exepetation, well some housework needs to be done..

And there is so much my boyfriend has to do when his home, he do the shopping, cooking ( I am a terible cook even on good days, so he refuse to eat my food, and I dont blame him ), and there is a lot to do around the house a lot.. And when his gone working (he travells), its loonng days.. but somethimes he feels there is moore work at home then at work... ....

And I feel bad, but as many has said, including kayjai, if we had a choise we would be healthy...

But the dys influense my relationship, I feel that i should be always graetfull for having a great boyfriend that stays whit weak weak me.. And yes one should be greatfull for great people in ones life.. but this is a bitt unbalanse.. i feel he gives up so much for being whit me somethimes... But I am also a great woman I am generly in a much better mood then him..

i dont know, relattionships needs work even for healthy people... I gess one ust have to keep trying.. Comunicating is important, but not always easy.. Mine lovly boyfriend is the no talk is nessesary type but so fare we are still togetter, and i hope it stays that way, intill we are a old couple holding hands in public.. No we are not, because he push me around in the wheelcair.. But maby when we are old, we whil be in wheelchairs side by side, and nurses pushing us...

When it comes to understanding dys, its hard.. I have tryed to gett my boyfriend to read some stuff, but no luck (not whit anyone els for that matter)..

But he is very understanding, and somthimes knows my limits much better than me... he is the best thing that ever happend to me..

[bjt22]

Well, this is a boyfriend and not a spouse. If it were a spouse, I would say that "fairness" and "half and half" have little to do with it. In a marriage, that goes down the drain. Each partner contributes what they can and the other takes up the slack. It's a commitment that goes beyond fairness, that says, in fact, even when things aren't "fair" I'm going to stick with you.

That said, I can't imagine the shoe being on the other foot in my household. My husband is a great guy. I'm sure it's sometimes hard for him to understand why I can't do very much, but he never really questions it and just takes up the slack. To be brutally honest, if it were the other way around and I was constantly having to do that, I'm sure I'd be resentful from time to time. I always try to remember that when I'm annoyed with him over some little thing or other.

[janiedelite]

I had a few years of sickness before I was formally diagnosed. My husband married me in the midst of this, but I was still able to work (I had to quit 2 months after our wedding ) and didn't have quite the level of pain and fatigue I have now. There were a few months last summer when the neuropathy pain really kicked in and we didn't know what on earth was wrong. We thought I might be dying and I was even seeing an oncologist for a couple months. During these months, my hubby didn't know how to help me. He always thinks he has to do something to fix a situation. It was torture to watch me suffer and have no influence at all. We were in the same house all summer, but were apart in ways too. I just needed someone to help me cope emotionally and physically, not someone who would tell me to "push through it and you'll feel better." Then I would push through and he realized he'd only made me worse.

So I began seeing a marriage counselor on my own. She helped validate my feelings and helped me cope. After a while, my hubby joined me for a couple sessions and we each admitted to our fears and failings. It was a turning point.

The biggest turning point, however, came when he went with me to Mayo in 2/09 and understood why I feel like I do. Does you partner really understand the nature of your illnesses? It would be so hard to stay in a relationship where the other person is constantly making assumptions that I intentionally don't pull my weight. It would be very hurtful and you don't deserve it. I know he wants things 50/50... is he willing to go to a counselor with you? Is he willing to try to understand the extent of your illnesses? If not, it seems like he's not operating fairly either.

I hope you guys can work it out, Janie

[It'sMyLife]

I didn't have time to fully read through all the replies, so forgive me if I repeat what has already been said.

I have a very good friend who's husband always wanted things to be 50/50 financially even after they were married. Ugh! I could go on for a while why I thought this was wrong, but don't have the time. But, somehow she ended up doing way more than half (read: all) the housework. Hmm? Fair? Not!

She always said she was choosing her battles and that wasn't one she wanted to have with him. She thinks once they have kids it will work it's way out. Since he/she will be their kid then the money will be theirs instead of his and hers. Having kids never works anything out!!!!

I know someone stated that since you're not married, fairness and half n half are a little harder to address. I agree. Marriage is not about 50/50. It is about each giving all you can. Resentment starts to build when you feel that the other one isn't giving their all. Then, you find yourself starting to cut back until you see your spouse match what you've done.

I don't want to venture too far away from the subject but I'm just going to throw one thought out there: Where is your relationship going? You are already living together. Are you thinking marriage? Are you just going to live together indefinitely? This is not a judgement. It's just to figure out what kind of advice to give.

I personally seem to hear about the most relationship troubles from couples who are cohabitating but not married.

If you have already tried to get your boyfriend to understand POTS and that your ability to contribute will rise and fall, and he still seems resentful. Then, I think you need to decide if you really want to hang on to him or not.

I'm not trying to sound negative. I want to encourage you. But, realistically it seems you've already done what you can. So, maybe you were just hoping that you weren't the only one going through this. I think the following is good advice from a previous post. I know having POTS can really isolate you. I have had serious issues with being alone in the past so I really know. The best advice I can give you is to ask yourself if you are merely afraid to be alone or truly value what you have with your boyfriend and think it is really worth holding on to.

One other thing to think about in a relationship is to not settle. When you are sick you may forget that you deserve respect and kindness. Also you see the best in you partner BEFORE you get married. My husband and I never even argued before we married. Make sure that you are treating yourself with respect and not settling for less then you deserve. Life is hard with and without POTS and being with the right person can make it eaiser but the wrong person makes life harder... just my two cents... good luch and I hope you are feeling well. You need to take care of your-self because you are more important then a clean bathroom! Best wishes

[erikainorlando]

It is a great topic. Thank you.

All my relationships have changed since POTS. Including with my kids....whom I really feel bad about. BUT in all my relationships...I can't do half. Not even close. I am just surviving...half??? Wow...not a chance. It is not a quesiton of what is fair...none of this is fair....to anyone. Even to those involved with us. My eyes well with tears as I write this.

I try to do things for my kids...I can't. I try to be fun for my boyfriend, I can't. I order out a lot. My daughter cooks and cleans. If anyone messes my house I freak because I can't clean it up!!

My boyfriend has been pretty good. BUT we don't live together. Although he never expects me to push thru..he tells me to rest a lot. My biggest complaint with him would be that he dinesn't talk to me much about how I am feeling...physically...and emotionally. He will fix my car and do my lawn etc. I guess his way of showing love and support.

The problem comes in that I interpret his lack of communication on the supbject tht he is tired of hearing me. I know he gets tired dof hearing me it is normal and he has told me on occassion that it is trying at times. My kids get tired of hearing me too. But my lie is life walking on swords most of the time and I need a lot of support to get thru it.

Being sick is so hard on all relationships. BUT lazy??? Wow..lazy..no kidding...how could anyone think we are lazy....the fact that we keeo functioning and tryinng is truely amazing and shold be commended.

Good luck.............perhaps he doesn't understand tht it is just a physcial impossibility...or perhaps he doesn't want it to be..try to communicate.........

Like I said...it is a great post...as we all struggle with how taxing this is on our relationships.

Erika

[potsgirl]

I really like what 'It's My Life' wrote. Sometimes it's the fear of being alone that clouds our judgment and causes us to stay in unhealthy relationships way past the time we should have ended them. I hope your boyfriend becomes more compassionate and can learn to compromise with your situation. If he can't, perhaps he's not the best choice for you...You didn't mention anything about your ages, but that could also have something to do with him not being willing to pitch in more. Sometimes more immature men (and that's definitely not just an age issue!) can't deal with putting in more than their 'fair share'. Just do what's right for YOU.

My best,

Jana

[Janey]

Thank you so much for all the replies, they have made me think very seriously about the relationship. It is just so helpful to have my feelings validated and to realize that it is wrong for people to expect me to have the stamina of a normal healthy person. I've been ill for about 3 years now, and my bf and I were only together for 3 months before I got ill (so weren't living together then, didn't have any sort of housework schedule etc) so he has only truly known me since I've been ill.

But are there men out there who will really do more than half? Do all of you have partners who take care of you and love you despite not being able to function most of the time? And if so, how did you meet them? I barely go out anymore, so I've got no idea how somebody would have the chance to fall in love with me!

I think the difference in my situation is that there are many women out there with partners who do nothing around the house, but don't complain/notice when things are messy. My boyfriend is the type who will sweep a cup away from your hand if you're still drinking from it so he can wash it up. No wonder I can't keep up!

I have tried suggesting that we go to therapy, but he doesn't want to go. I cannot afford to have it by myself as all my money goes on rent and essentials for living, especially taxis into work when I'm feeling awful, because I can't drive. I've also asked him if I can give up work for a while and have him support me until I feel a bit better again, but he won't do that either (it's got to be 50:50.) This all makes him sound so rigid, but he really isn't, emotionally. He's just rigid with practical things like money and chores.

Can I just ask, what sort of housework tasks do you all do? I want to know so that I can at least try to do those ones.

Janey

[yogini]

For me, getting POTS has changed the way I think about dating and relationships. Even though my health is much better now, I realize now that I need someone who is totally devoted and supportive of me. Who knows what else life has in store for me, and I want someone to be working with me, not against me. I see on the forum that some spouses are completely supportive, so there ARE people out there - some have even met after getting sick. My family is there for me completely, so I don't think I want anything less in a partner.

Your boyfriend sounds like a great guy in many ways. I think you need to let him know that even though you really want to, you can't conribute 50-50. Is there any chance that he would be willing to move beyond this idea? That seems unworkable even when both people are healthy. I am thinking through all of the couples I know. There is always one person that seems to do more.

[EarthMother]

{{{{hugs}}}}}

My own sense is that there isn't a right or wrong answer here. It may not really be about the housework, since as you said his veto on you taking a leave of absence from work at this time seems to be an issue as well. Unless the two of you come up with a set of criteria that work for both of you, you may be spinning your wheels. Only YOU can decide what you can do and what you feel good about doing. And then only HE can decide what it is that he can accept. If either of you bend further than what your mind/heart tells you is your bottom line, then resentments are likely to build over time.

Some of us felt that we stayed at our jobs longer than we should have. When our bodies were telling us to slow down we pushed on and perhaps contributed to a longer recover period. On the other hand, I have heard from many people that pushing on is what keeps them going. So there is no clear cut one size fits all answer. However, I would urge you strongly to look at your own financial options. Does your company have short term disability leave? Long term disability options? Do you have long term disability insurance through your employer? Talk to your Doctor and find out what she/he thinks about your ability to work. Ask her/him also about what kind of daily physical activity would be appropriate for your condition at present? It might even be a good idea to have your partner attend the Doctor's appointment with you. Its not therapy. But it may help bridge a gap in the understanding of the issue.

Good luck and good thoughts your way.

[bjt22]

Household tasks?

Well, if I've done nothing else during the day, I attempt dinner in the evening. Usually fairly simple. If I'm not feeling particularly bad, I might unload and reload the dishwasher while I'm in the kitchen. With help, I can get a load of laundry around and get it in the wash. I try to get the help in carrying it down to the basement and then bringing it back up once it's dry.

Since I have kids, most of my energy has to be saved for them. They aren't small children any longer...the youngest is 14. However, two are still in school, and up until this summer, three were. So, during the school year, my entire day is getting up with them to make sure they get out the door, and managing to make sure that they get home in the afternoon. I'm so exhausted from the morning that I usually go back to bed until around noon, and then, well, within a couple of hours, I have to be up to seeing them get home. And then there's dinner and maybe a load of laundry. That's pretty much my day.

[kayjay]

I wanted to answer one of your questions. My husband only loves me for who I am. Not what I do or what I contribute to our household. I do not have a job but I spend "our" money. I can't even make the bed by myself most days and I have very bad allergies so it is a bad idea for me to clean. now that my husband knows that I have POTS he is compassionate. And asks me to help with what I can. I have a stool on wheels in my bathroom and the kitchen. He basically cooks and I season everything. I load the dishwasher on my knees. I pick things up with my feet if I can and and I have a rolling cart on wheels in my laundry room. I have learned that bending over makes me really sick so I try to avoid that. My husband is not perfect (nor am I) but we are a team. Right now I am the weaker one and I can "do less" but our value is not what we "do". It is who we are!

You can offer love, support and friendship. I struggle sometimes b/c I am not able to teach and I was a great teacher. I started to get some of my self worth from that job and the praise I got from doing my job well. POTS has reminded me that I have intrinsic value as a human being. Have you heard of Joni Ericson Tada? She is unable to use her arms and legs and she got married after her accident. I reccommend her book.

Anyway I hope I don't sound preachy to you ... I mean to help you.... POTS is just one struggle we face in our marriage. You want to make sure that you are with a man who will take what comes... richer poorer sickness health. Good and bad times are ahead for each of us. We are raising children together and have dealt with many problems and losses. Find someone who will "have your back" no matter what. Someday your parntner may face something awful - loss or illness and you will have much love and compassion to offer because of your own suffering. One final word is a quote from my older brother. He is a man of few words and does not speak gently. He once told me "You don't hold on to garbage just because it's all you've got". I don't mean to say that your patner is garbage so i hope I did not offend you. I only mean that sometimes we cling to things we should not because it is all we have... even if it is not good for us.

Please don't be offended by my thoughts. Only you know what is best for you. I just want to remind you that you are valuable and you should expect kindness and respect. Best wishes PS there is a book called "How To Cheat at Cleaning" I do some of these things and I also will buy wipes and paper plates more!

[bjt22]

Kayjay, that was an absolutely beautiful post and there isn't much I can add. It's what I was trying to sum up above in my post on marriage.

It's the difference between a boyfriend/room-mate and a partner/spouse who wants to be make a family with you. A family can be just a couple, but families make things work.

[potsgirl]

I can do very limited housework. I can do a load or two of laundry, but can't pull out the wet sheets or towels to put into the dryer - my boyfriend needs to do that for me, they're too heavy. I can 'Swiffer' the areas of the floor that are tile, and once in a while I can do short periods of dusting. If I have to bend over, I just sit on the floor and push myself around. I don't cook dinners, my boyfriend and I usually eat together, but usually I'm have things I won't cook, whereas he may cook things up like spaghetti for himself. A stool in the kitchen and bathroom are a great help!

Hope this helps,

Jana

[tinkerbella]

Janey,

I know this story all too well sweetheart. I'll say one thing you can judge a good man by the way he treats his mother. If you are counting red flags now watch out. Being alone is not the worst thing in the world. The relief of not having someone making us walk on eggshells is wonderful. You can't change anyone, they might say they will change but unless they are fully committed to you and understand this is REAL, till then door is wide open and they can walk. the key to a good relationship is communication and that becomes your foundation for life. I think you need to talk to him and decide is he your lifer. If so then the gates of your illness need to be made clear for him to understand. "POTS Made Simple" a Guide for partners. Maybe your doctor can start by writing a letter or mine said let family read your medical notes and if they don't get it and something is really wrong.

Janey, I wish you the best, other than that simplify to paper plates, less clothes, just stuff that you need. Ask your higher power for guidance and the answers will come. My worker is looking into this for me. I'm thinking of doing all of that. It's hard to let go as, I'm a pack rat and my kids have just accepted that I'm ill. If your disabled you may be able to qualify for a PCA to help you with some of these things.

Remember you want a partner who will say this, "come grow old with me, the best is yet to come."

Bellamia~

[erikainorlando]

Bella Mia..

Where do we get the "POTS made simple" for partners? I would love to get my hands on this...

Thanks so much!!

Erika

[tinkerbella]

I've been very frustrated lately about relationships of all kinds not understanding me and me having POTS. I have a lot of ideas to get my point across. So, one has been a book for couples and families. As in college I did my thesis on, "The Effects of having a Diabetic child in the Family and what it did to everyone." I remember the professor reading it and she cried before she marked it and gave it back to me.

I was divorced and my son had just turned 9 and I went to my first class that night and throught for sure I would just drop out. I learned so much then and feel now the same dynamaics are still going on only now it's me and I've got Pots. Relationships are hard work, even harder when illness is thrown in to the works. So, I'm writing it and I better hurry up as I'm working on several books from this bed of mine.

Blessings~

BellaMia~

[mjan]

HUGS to you and yours Janey!!

OK...nearly ALL of us cannot "keep up"..much less get it all done. I pace myself and try not to feel guilty.. VERY IMPORTANT. I am alone now. My husband was disabled but able bodied..he had seizures. He helped..just pitched in without asking most of the time. His mother kept a spotless house with 5 kids raised mostly by herself. So...sets the standards.

Have you ever discussed what would happen if the situation was reversed ? What is HE got a broken leg..or had to rehab from some kind of illness/injury..how much would he help then? What if it meant he were bed bound..then what percent could he contribute..$$ and with housechores??

50=50 is a great IdEAL..but not a reality each and every day. Its a good goal...so compliment him on his standards.

BUT...if it were ME.. I would help provide the education on YOUR disease process..so he is prepared. Maybe see the MD together.

THEN...ask him to help you solve these issues..once clearly defined I mean. For example..could you SIT and sweep..sit while putting dishes in dishwasher...or fold laundry..and PACE yourself?? Like..if I put a few dishes in DW..I will get it done by such and such a time.( if that is reasonable) Or something like that.

BUT as I see this.. the bottom line is the conflict between his wonderful..well meaning ideals..and standards and well.. keeping YOU in his life. Its not about you losing him.. rather his keeping YOU!! AND.. how much he is willing to sacrifice for YOU.

I took care of a lot..like handling money.. insurance.. appts working full time while caring for my husband because my husband had brain damage from a long seizure..losing his ability to keep his job eventually. So.. we reversed the standard we grew up with .. I WAS THE BREAD WINNER.. he was "becky homecky".. I complimented and thanked him lots.. and lots.. cuz I DID appreciate all he did.

BUT..back then NOT knowing I was sick..getting weaker.. and sicker.. he just could not understand and the stressed caused me to start falling apart. If I was going to keep the medical insurance I had to work.. BUT.. only if I could rest most of the off time. His idea.. a good one.. was I just needed to EXERCISE. But not if your exercise intolerant plus other disorders I had.

YOU may need to stand up for yourself with your health limitations. A third party helps. Try going to a therapist by yourself first. Sometimes they just help you cope.. validate your experiences and help figure things out (I know I WAS a psychotherapist). Then.. later you can invite HIM to one or two of your sessions for support. That way its not about HIM.. but YOU (and him indirectly) and learn together how to help figure this out for YOU as a couple. Most guys run from thought of therapy.

Again.. Identify what the problems/issues are (his may be different than yours). And be CLEAR about it. Ask him what he thinks your issues are.. and you explain what you think are his issues. Ask for his help in solving these identified issues.. problem solve. Try something for a short while to see if it works.. on a short term basis so you are not "locked in".. and take a break. Then

re-evaluate the situation (like how well you did taking your TIME.. pacing yourself with housework... and his adjusting to a 70-30 situation at times etc).

LOVE takes work.. and all folks in relationships carry their own set of standards..ideals..but your reality together defines what is important and hopefully allows you to be fluid in adusting to what your priorities are.

Good luck.. my thoughts and prayers are with you...

Jan

[gertie]

I won't give relationship advice but I would ask you to think about how much harder things would be for you if you had children, or maybe you do. I don't remember reading that you did. My DH had to be sole support for several years when I became disabled. He never complained. He's one of those men that doesn't care if the house is dirty or not which was good. I couldn't get disability but somehow I managed to keep things going at home. My cleaning advice is, get rid of the chemicals & scented cleaning products you are using in your home. The chemicals make a lot of people sicker they did me. Use unscented laundry detergent, baking soda, Bon ami, vinegar, peroxide etc. You can find a long list on the internet. When I first got sick I had to clean my floors sitting in the floor, I have laid in the floor & cleaned. I cleaned the bathtub or shower while I was in the tub or shower. I admit getting clothes out of the washer to the dryer was a challenge. I prepared our meals sitting down. Cooking was my biggest challenge because the smell of a lot of food would cause me to pass out. I wore a mask & cooked some of the food in a crockpot in the garage or outside. A lot of people take care of a house in a wheelchair. Just do things as you can & if anyone doesn't like the way you handle things let them do it. Be good to yourself.

[janiedelite]

I know I already posted once, but after reading all the other posts I've been reminded of how much we really do contribute to a household. I might not be able to work, dust the ceilings and pull the weeds, but I do my very best to maintain a happy house with humor and kindness. My hubby takes pride in being our sole support, and I compliment him on that daily. But I've asked him how he'd handle being the one who has to lie down all the time and he admits he has no idea how he'd handle it. Yet, he still says he'd marry me all over again... In the end, it helps to have a partner who sees what you bring to the relationship and not what you lack.

[tinkerbella]

But You LOOK Good! A Guide to Understanding and Encouraging People Living with Chronic Illness and Pain.

http://www.invisibledisabilities.org

found this surfing the net, janey and hope it might help, another book i have used over the years with people are:

DO I HAVE TO GIVE UP ME TO BE LOVE BY YOU?

BY JORDAN PAUL, PH. D ANDMARGRET PAUL, PH. D.

[mjan]

I know I already posted once, but after reading all the other posts I've been reminded of how much we really do contribute to a household. I might not be able to work, dust the ceilings and pull the weeds, but I do my very best to maintain a happy house with humor and kindness. My hubby takes pride in being our sole support, and I compliment him on that daily. But I've asked him how he'd handle being the one who has to lie down all the time and he admits he has no idea how he'd handle it. Yet, he still says he'd marry me all over again... In the end, it helps to have a partner who sees what you bring to the relationship and not what you lack.

AAAwwwwhhhh.. Give your hubby a HUG for me k?

And God bless ya for ALL that you do.. how sweet.

Thanks for posting this response.

Jan