Co-worker Said I Have "poor Baby Me" Syndrome

[Angelika_23]

I am feeling totally abused today. My co-worker and I got into a disagreement and she threw out that "I have Poor Baby Me Syndrome and want everyone to feel sorry for me and do my work for me".

I have been having a terrible time with POTS (and other things exacerbating the POTS) lately. I missed work on Friday due to that upper-respiratory bug that had me coughing so hard my HR was very high and was having dizzy spells. Anyway, I felt this was an awful thing to say to me. I have never asked for anyone's pity and have not asked people to do my work for me. I try to be there as much as possible because I know the team suffers if I am not there. She was hired after I got "sick" and didn't know me from before. She hasn't seen how much things have changed for me. She obviously thinks I'm at home having fun and not suffering and missing out on lots of stuff, especially stuff with my growing children.

How do I deal with this? I am extremely hurt at her horrible and insensitve remark. We've always gotten along before, so I don't know why she's doing this other than we've had a difference of opinion and she's upset about it. I don't even want to look at her now. I don't dare try to talk to her about this again.

Angela

[hollie]

My BEST FRIEND had the same remarks to me a few months back. I haven't seen much of her since. She knows all about POTS and what it does to me, and still said, "I'm not the pitying type!" when I was having a really rough day one day. My point is, whether people know and understand it or not, they are still not going to "get it". No one really does unless they live this way. I say ignore her! You can't change her no more than I can change my "friend". Some people are just insensitive no matter what. This is your life - you and only you know how you feel every day. So do what you can, that's all you can ask for!!

[Sophia3]

Well, i would've taken off my golden slippers and smacked her over the head.

Ok, seriously ....this comes with the condition known as "invisible chronic illness" and you really can't convince these people you are really ill. My best advice, have as little to do with this person as possible and be sure not to whine around her...Not saying you DO but it would give her one less thing to throw at you.

Hope things improve for you soon.

[dsdmom]

Honestly? I'd talk to HR about it. I don't know where you work or what kind of job you have but if HR is involved in any way, this needs to be brought to their attention stat. I am not the kind of person to go complaining to others and this isn't something I would usually do, but you do not need to be subjected to that sort of behavior. HR should be made aware. This is harassment because of your medical situation. Uncalled for.

[Maxine]

She is obviously a very rude and insensitive person, and not even worth spending your energy worrying about.

I second Sophia's advice.

When I was still working I had someone who I thought was a good friend tell me, "admit it, your anorexic aren't you"?

How bizarre....... Anyway I had lost a lot of weight in the beginning, and I was very thin, so naturally and ignorant person might come to this conclusion. Now that I gained my weight back, plus a little extra from the meds I take------of course I must be "robustly healthy" now.

You can't win with obtuse people.

Try to hang in there dear, I'm so sorry you have to work with this person----

Maxine :0)

[rymac]

Sorry you had to deal with such a mean coworker Angela. That can really push you over the edge when you're already sick. Most of the guys I work with were there when my health was at it's worst so they kind of understand. That's one reason I would hate to change jobs.

Hang in there Angela.

bluesman

[pat57]

I say she must have, "I am an idiot syndrome".

[EarthMother]

I'll tell you what *I* do in those circumstances ....

Step 1: I end the conversation and walk away.

Still bio-chemically charged from the event.

Step 2: I tell my husband, my kids, my friends ... heck anyone who I think will have a sympathetic ear.

And I re-create the same bio-chemical charge.

Step 3: I wake up in the middle of the night and think about what I should have said.

And again re-create those same peptides in my body.

Step 4: I continue to ponder what my next move will be and how I can avoid the abuse in the future!

And yep, you guessed it. I turn on all the cellular reactions all over one more time.

From what I can tell this pattern of automatic pilot replay seems to be part of the human wiring. Its like our cells become use to the peptides and conjure up all kinds of thoughts and other nasties just to get more of the same. It does me little good to remember this when the actual incident is taking place. But every now and then I can remember that my nemesis has these same peptide addictions. She is acting on her own cellular patterns and the name calling and insults are just her way of feeding those cellular memories. They have little to do with me in the moment. (Even though she may use my name and point her finger in my face when it is happening.)

When I was able to work, I spent far too much of my time thinking and re-thinking many conversations. I still do that now from time to time with my teenager! But more and more I can catch myself just as the cellular feed bag goes on and I begin to get caught in that trap of feeding that same negative emotion. Sometimes I can even giggle when I shine the light on the situation. And in that small breath there is some space to refocus on something that is wonderful right in front of me.

But as I said that's just me.

Quite frankly my favorite advice given to YOU was from Sophia who recommends you take off your golden slipper and smack her over the head!

Sorry you encountered the ever obvious ignorance that seems to follow each of us like a shadow with this invisible illness.

[Sophia3]

Earth mother your reference to me made me laugh.

To whomever suggested contacting HR, if I recall correctly that's where Angelike works is in HR.

sigh

[shadesofgrey49]

Earth mother your reference to me made me laugh.

To whomever suggested contacting HR, if I recall correctly that's where Angelike works is in HR.

sigh

Well that stinks.

Your co-worker is just completely inconsiderate. Maybe you should print her something about the condition and how it affects us.

[stampingamy]

Honestly? I'd talk to HR about it. I don't know where you work or what kind of job you have but if HR is involved in any way, this needs to be brought to their attention stat. I am not the kind of person to go complaining to others and this isn't something I would usually do, but you do not need to be subjected to that sort of behavior. HR should be made aware. This is harassment because of your medical situation. Uncalled for.

I agree with this comment completely. Talk to HR. I have let them know a lot of stuff and I think it has been very helpful.

[Sophia3]

stamping amy

Don't know if you read all the replies....Angelika works in the HR dept. Just because one works in HR does not mean things will be handled better.

I do know my room mate who was an HR manager says if they take action to fire Angelika, she has a discrimination lawsuit to file..since the co-worker bellyached....so Angelika needs to document all of this.

[firewatcher]

Angela,

As much as I hate to say it, let it go. My old doc called one of my new docs and told him that I was only "doing this" for attention since my husband was out of town all the time. You can try to educate her, but unfortunately, like Chronic Fatigue syndrome, Fibromyalgia, politics and religion unless there is a personal epiphany you won't change her mind. Good things come to those who wait and God (and Karma) is very just. It is sooooo hard to do, but you are wasting the fire of your anger on her, use that energy for yourself!

Yes, it hurts! Come here and vent, but don't let it fester between the two of you. You've learned something about her, and she's learned nothing at all. Use your new knowledge, I am sure her attitude about others is similar to her attitude about you. Just take a deep breath and shake it off. I am sorry.

Jennifer

[shannon]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I will never understand what causes people to be so suspicious of chronic illness!! I also have people in my life who have said similar things. I don't think there is a way make the emotional pain from that completely go away, but there are ways of lessening the blow. I try to use positive affirmations in situations like that. I think I used to be in a rut where if someone told me I was "blowing it out of proportion" I would feel guilty and think that I should be able to put up with more. Now, I reframe that thought in my head and say to myself: "NO, I have a legitimate illness. That does not make me lazy or selfish. This is my reality. When my body tells me to slow down, I am not going to force myself to be miserable at work all day because I deserve better than that. If people choose not to believe me, that is there problem, and I refuse to listen to them."

So basically, I talk to myself to deal with some of this stuff. It helps me, though!

Of course, this doesn't mean you should have to put up with such insults at work. I also think that talking to HR is a good idea, like others mentioned.

Best of luck, and I hope things get better for you.

-Shannon

[Angelika_23]

Thanks everyone for your replies and wonderful suggestions. And for those of you who do not know, I AM in the HR dept. I am the HR Coordinator for our company. "Going to HR" is not a solution for me.

I went back to work, and I acted like nothing ever happened. I deserve an Emmy! I did so good! She hasn't apologised, and I guess she won't. She doesn't understand, and I guess I should be glad she doesn't have to understand, or need to. I wouldn't wish this illess (or collection of illnesses, in my case) on anyone.

Thanks everyone for being there for me. You all are wonderful!

Angela

[gertie]

Hi Angela, I had a family member call me the other day & ask how I was. I usually say fine but that day I had passed out & near out so I said, "I'm beginning to feel a little better after passing out in the BR". They said in a mocking tone I didn't like, "well I'll let you get back to your passing out". I told them I thought that was a very hurtful thing to say. Instead of asking if I needed help or they hoped I'd be better soon that is usually what I get from my family. That is why I've become a loner I don't have to always pretend I'm ok. I'm sorry there are such jerks out there but don't let them get you down.

[Tammy]

At some point in time, this person will have a cold or flu or some sort of virus and I'm sure will talk about how 'sick' they feel... at that point, just nicely state to her what she said to you " That your not the pitying kind and walk away! I've done this and it usually helps them 'get it' a little bit! Good luck

[ladyt]

hi..

Sorry to hear about our co worker ...

It seems like people have a hard time understanding cronic illnes, and if its on thats unknown its even worse.. It seems like people talk alot about their illneses and others to me (strangers and others).. Why i dont know, probly difrent resons.. Its hard when u feel like people around u dont understand..

I have people in my life i wish would understand a bitt better that i try my best.. i gess They dont really have to understand as long as they dont judge me... But i gess we humans put people in boxes to make the world easyier to understand ore somthing.. But the world is really complex, and so are people..

The sad thing is that its so easy to draw back from people, so hard to put our self out there.. Some say I am to sensitiv when it comes to people utterings, but its hard when people hurt u... say stuff that tell that they dont beliwe u, ore indicate that u are a weak weak hypocondriac ore somthing..

best luck to u all..

[ramakentesh]

YEAH I agree. Dont even buy into it - unlike the average person, people with POTS dont have the ability to switch off those 'biochemical' reactions to these kinds of things that others do. Once you think about it and get annoyed your system is 'up' again and with POTS that is a bad thing.

I used to be a pretty thin skinned kinda guy but now days I dont even buy into any of that kind of stuff. I dont care what people think - people dont understand chronic illness unless they have experienced it. Mots of my friends think i shoudl get better in weeks not months/years...