Does Your Fatigue (or Other Potsy Issues) Take A Toll On Sexual Relations?

[JenniferInOhio]

I hope this is okay to talk about...I'm just wondering if I'm alone here. My hubby and I don't have relations very often much to his dismay. He takes it personally, but it has nothing to do with him. I am always so tired in the evenings. With 2 young children, it is hard to find time alone except for 10:00 pm and by that time I am wiped out.

Physically, I am able to have relations...it is just the tiredness that gets me all the time. Between that and an 8-day period, my hubby gets very frustrated. Am I alone? Do I need to just fight the fatigue and do it anyway to make him happy? If I do it anyway, I feel resentful towards him. We are "together" 1-2 times per month.

It is the most common thing we fight about.

Can anyone offer any insight or advice??

Thanks!

[pat57]

Yes < I'm basically exhausted from housework and work.

[taylortotmom]

We simply have relations during the day- now that our kids are in school- it is WONDERFUL. Come 11:00pm he knows to not even try We had to have a serious talk about my need for sleep and rest at night. He works a schedule where he is often home a day or two during the week and that really helps both of us from being resentful about the night issue. Where there is a will-there is a way. Seriously. You just might have to get a little creative.

Carmen

[JenniferInOhio]

Carmen - afternoon would be wonderful - that was "our time" before we had kids. I keep telling him to come home for lunch and we will put a movie on for the kids Unfortunately, he can't come home in the middle of the day That would solve most of our problems.

[Tessa]

I am also exhausted from work and housework + the period time... I usually start feeling sleep at around 9.30 pm and it is difficult for me to keep awake after that time.

We also had to look for a better time of the day/night and changed for the afternoons and/or the mornings on weekends.

Have your tried or can you have a rest during the afternoon? If you could have a sleep for a while in the afternoon (just one or two afternoons in the week) you will feel much better...

It is indeed difficult to cope with this problem but the most important part of it is to talk about it with your hubby. The only way is to reach to an agreement, to help echoder and to make them understand how we feel. Men also need to express their frustration and know that we feel frustrated too and that it is not their problem but the "disease" we suffer. When they see that we want to solve it & that they are able to help, they are relieved.

If you talk about it, you will feel much better and more united.

Take care.

Love,

Tessa

[MomtoGiuliana]

You are not alone. It has taken its toll for us too--and affected our relationship. I think it is POTS COMBINED with having a young child and me working 30 hours a week. I am so tired by 9 pm each night. It's a challenging issue. We are seeing a counselor and that is helping us.

Katherine

[DancingLight]

Jennifer,

This is an 'okay' topic to talk about! And, from being around on the board awhile, what you are feeling is NOT uncommon.

I typed in a search just using the word 'sex' and saw there were several related topics that came up (several unrelated ones too), but you can scan through quikly. Or type in Intimacy, Sexual relations, etc.

Here's a link to just one topic that several folks responded to:

http://dinet.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3696&hl=

there were sooooo many on the subject, that I don't have the energy to post them all. I just typed in 'sex' and did is as a TOPIC search and got a bunch of hits. People have written some very helpful and honest things over time and I hope you will find them helpful.

Sorry I can't post them all for you!!!! Let me know if you need more help and I will read through them and give you some more links....

Emily

[Tammy]

Completely understand how you are feeling! It use to be that I was just plain to tired to even think about it any time after 8pm. Now that my symptoms have progressed, I get severely ill immediately afterwards, so for the past year, we still try to 1-2 times a month, but have to try during a time that if I end up in the ER because of it, it has to be during a time that we can find someone to take our 2 year old while we race off to the Hospital. I'm pretty much terrified of "having a relationship" each time, but do it for my husbands sake. If I'm able to keep focused and not become "involved" in the moment, I don't feel too sick afterwards, but sometimes my husband is just too good at what he does So if your husband is willing to be a "30 second man" in that way and kind of just get it over with to fulfill his needs, you might get have less arguments -- I don't know? It does kind of take the intimacy/closeness feeling out of it, though.

I guess I'd just be thankfully that you still can and are able to have "relations" without having severe reactions from it at this point.... I never thought I wouldn't physically be able to and now I wish I would have just of enjoyed when he took interest in me instead of fighting it because I was too tired, as being tired is nothing compared to sudden extreme weakness, shaking, chills, throwing up, and feeling lifeless (like I'm about to die) afterwards.

Hope you and your husband can find a solution that works well for both of you.

Take care,

Tammy

[DSM3KIDZ]

My husband has very very low testosterone and we're still searching for answers on why. So basically the pressure is off for now. He takes testosterone and it helps alittle but we are both capable and only have relations maybe once a month................maybe not. This used to be a big problem in our relationship for me because I didn't think it was normal for a young man to not have a sex drive that's why he had tests done and his testoserone was like 50 instead of 1200.

Now after this illness and 3 little kids (who knows how I got pregnant 6x) I secretly find it as a blessing because I don't have to feel like I'm holding out on him.

Don't get me wrong there are days I feel sad like our relationship is lacking, but over all health wise it's fine.

Dayna

[morgan617]

It makes me really sick for about 2 days after too. We have had sex 2 times in two years....

That should make your hubby feel better. I know it is frustrating for my hubby, but he has finally figured out what it does to me. Not that i don't want it, the desire is willing, the body not.....

Therapy and maybe the two of you discussing this with your doctor might help him to understand. I know there are a fair amount of people who can still have an active sex life, but I have to say, it's beyond my comprehension how they manage it! However, there are many who are just unable. It would help if your husband could talk to someone who can help him see this is NOT a personal thing. I think that's where my hubs is. It's not about him, it's about a disease. If you had cancer, would he be resentful? Probably not, unfortunately. But it's the sad reality of this disease.

As Dancing light said, there are a fair amount of threads on the site about this subject.

Keep the lines of communication open, even if it means therapy...one day he will be having the same problems..for different reasons...guilt does not make for great sex....

good luck sweetie and hope you get things worked out......morgan

[Eli6596]

I am embarrassed to talk about this issue but you are the only people I could possibly discuss it with besides my husband. I used to have a better sex drive than my husband. I think the fatigue AND the beta blocker have robbed my drive. My husband has rarely ever initiated, and he is tired from his chronic illness too (diabetes). So, there have never been arguments on this topic, thank god. We have not had relations in I don't know how long. I cannot even remember! I think it might have been summer or fall.

Also, now I have pain with relations, and my GYN is trying to help with that. It is getting worse though. The most embarassing thing is that I don't have orgasms. I mention this because I have a huge question. I hope this is not taboo for this site. Do you think this is a POTS related problem? Even before the POTS became disabling I had this problem. I think I had tiny, tiny symptoms of POTS long before I was ever slammed to the ground by the illness though.

K.

[morgan617]

Yes, it can affect the ability to have orgasms eli. It seems to be more of a problem for men, but because of impotence. But it does affect women. I have a horrible time achieving orgasm, maybe that's why I get so sick, hubs is Determined for me to enjoy it too. I would be happier if he didn't give a rip, but he finds that very hard to believe. He tries so hard, I hate it.....

How ironic is it, that so many people are so mismatched by the sexual drive and how many buttons that pushes.....I have none what so ever at this point. (the above post was referring to before I got to this point in my health status)

I wish he had no sex drive, as that would decrease the guilt level, while others would give anything to have more. My hubs has a normal healthy sex drive, however, I am very fortunate he also has a pretty good grasp of what my illness does to me. It is HIS choice not to engage, as he would rather be somewhat frustrated than see me in an ER, because he wanted some. He never makes me feel guilty about it and we never fight about it.

I count my blessings for that, but it doesn't decrease my guilt level, although, if the shoe were on the other foot, sex would be the last thing I would be concerned about in our relationship. There are so many things so much more important. Intimacy in a relationship involves a whole lot more than just sex. That should be the smaller part of having a close intimate relationship with someone. Otherwise, one night stands would satisfy everyone. However, that is the typical difference between men and women isn't it?

This is very complex and often frustrating and sad. Sex, money and politics...the three evils of the world...

But then, even "healthy" people have their share of woes with sex.....so we can't even relegate it to just health issues.....

[Sophia3]

A huge second YES to the inability to achieve orgasm. No problem with the other part but the ANS CONTROLS that area and it's often just not there or so muted, it was "hardly there." I jooke I have female impotence which exists only not as obvious!?

I don[t have a close SO but a friend I see from out of state and I have worked out a deal..if I lie on my side and don't have to move much, it WORKS as far as enjoyment...now rolling around and changing positions...FORGET IT...wears me out..and if the tachycardia is too quick, MUST Take a break.

So he is an older guy and understands completely and there is more to intimacy than the big O and I had read years ago about tantric sex stuff so it helps IMMENSELY with the enjoyment but don't worry about the "get there" if you catch my drift.

Often times my libido stinks..other times, I have the "want to but can't get there."

So this is very common...also in older women, the testosterone can be low to aggravate the issue but again, often the ANS just won't kick in.

Also I find that even having a good cuddly time or the big one, winds me UP and I could never do that at bedtime and then fall asleep. Most folks may but it revs me up.

So that's my two cents.

I would recomment therapy for folks who live with somebody if they take ANY of this personally..and also, getting creative can help but that is in the eye of the beholder.

P.S. IF it wouldn't lower my BP I wonder about Viagra like drugs helping...since we have blood flow issues..I have heard of some research having women test such drugs ....and it helped them.

[JenniferInOhio]

Thank you for all of your honest responses - it helps to know that I am not alone. After reaching for the "goal" the last time we had sex, I did not feel well - like I had run a race or something. I should have just let the "goal" go by I suppose.

[Maxine]

I get really whipped after the orgasm, and sometimes feel pretty shaky, especially if it happens in the evening. It's not the same as it used to be---

We try a couple times a week, and if I'm not feeling too well, then I will pleasure him.

I find it best to do it in the morning. I don't want to get too tachy before the big O, so we figure ways to avoid that---

Maxine :0)

[Eli6596]

Jennifer I must thank you for bringing up this subject. I had wanted to talk about this subject for a long while with you all but was just too shy to bring it up. Morgan and Sophia it makes me feel like less of a failure to hear that others have the same problem with orgasms. Thanks for sharing. I gave up on them several years ago. My husband and I have been married for 15 years and he used to have the goal of trying to help me to that point. It has only happened twice. It just distressed me when I knew it was highly unlikely to happen. I assured him that it was not his fault...that there was something wrong physically with me. I assured him that it still feels very good even without the O and that took the pressure off him. He does not even ask anymore if I achieved the you know what. I am lucky that he does not have a strong sex drive.

Interestingly the information that I have read about the autonomic nervous system and sex just mention mens sexual problems. THey don't mention women but it makes sense that our function would be messed up too. I have a history of bilateral hip fractures too so who knows what that might contribute to the problem. During that accident I also ripped some of my external genitalia. It did heal well though. That happened at 18 years of age which was way before I started relations so I have nothing pre-accident with which to compare.

Sophia you mentioned viagra. I did ask my GYN about that and he did not think it would be safe for me given the POTS.

Karyn

(My daugher's name starts with Eli)

[Sophia3]

Some doctor or hospital in this area did an off label study for women with viagra...can't remember what the final verdict was.

Also have YOU ever had your testosterone levels checked. Mine were low years ago (low normal) and my autonomic doc prescribed ointment I got at a compounding pharmacy to rub into skin. Didn't help much so we tried other things that did. I was on estratest HS and that really helped but my endocrinologist didn't want me to use that (he is endocrinologist and a gynecologist gave me the Estratest HS) He doesn't think it's a good idea to take oral testosterone.

anyway, it's been years since I spoke about this with my doc as I have learned to compensate.

Don't ever feel like a failure!! Most all research in the history of research has been done on men. Why? They didn't want our female hormones muddling the water of their studies....but pelvic blood flow is JUST as important to women as to men.

Our form of "impotence" just ain't as obvious. There have been many shows about this on Discover Health Channel and other places. We are a complicated lot.

[Guest Eliza]

This is an interesting subject. I have to admit that my husband and I do have "relations" a few times a week (we have been married for 13yrs) but that does not necessarily mean that I am "in the mood". I see it as a sacrifice to some degree because I don't feel it is fair for him (since he is healthy) to go without, YET he DOES understand when I am feeling really awful and doesn't push the issue.

I feel like many meds alot of us take may also contribute to the lack of having an "O". I don't have them regularly and my husband and I are both ok with this.

[Eli6596]

Thanks for the kind words about not being a failure. It does sadden me because this area is just another thing that I cannot do properly physically. I have accepted it mostly though. It does help to know that we are not alone with a symptom.

I did try testosterone cream years ago and it makes me really irritable. It felt like PMS. I forgot to mention that suppression of my menses also contributes to low sex drive. I used to feel significant increased drive just before my menses. The suppression of my menses has really helped the worsening of my POTS around the menses though. It is a trade off. I rather be able to stand up than have sex drive anyday!

Karyn