Major Reality Check

[Sunfish]

ok folks, this is an update that i'm not happy to be writing. it is SO hard & i'll admit that i'm crying (as i've been doing way too much of the past three days) as i've come to acknowledge my current reality. and putting it in writing makes it even more real.

you all were so awesome with my re-entering the real-world apprehensions & i want so badly to be coming back with a good report of "it's going great".

short story - there's no way that i can do school full-time.

longer story - i've been slowly realizing this over the past few weeks b/c while i've been just getting by with the schoolwork/class element of things, my field placement (internship) that is part of the program hadn't started yet & was going to add 15 hours to my week of having to be out & about, upright, etc. i didn't see how this was going to work b/c i was already spending almost all of my time not at school in or on bed - crashed a good amount of the time but otherwise having to at least be flat while doing schoolwork, etc. but i was just ignoring reality & hoping something magical would happen? or more likely was in major denial.

field orientation was last friday with its corresponding seminar monday & the actual start date on wednesday. i knew i was in trouble b/c i no longer had my recovery days in between & was fading fast. less time okay while up, less "there" for anything i was doing, shakes noticable to others, unable to shower all week b/c too crashed ( i know....too much info ), several occasions of having to lay down in various locales - even with wheelchair use - b/c i was so close to blacking out, etc...

and all the while beating myself up for having thought i could ever manage it in the first place, wishing i'd started in a part-time program instead of full. but i wanted SO badly to be able to do things "normally" - at least in a sense.

but i've realized that if i don't stop the runaway train now i'm going to end up in bigger trouble. i was already getting borderline in terms of driving safety this past week which is not something i'm willing to gamble with. and i knew it was bad when a few people at school who don't know a thing about my health asked me if i was okay b/c i looked pale or grey (one of each ). when i cross the line of "but you look so good" it's never a good sign...

so...i bit the bullet & talked to the powers that be. actually, it would be more accurate to say that i broke down to a few people in the process. or perhaps that i continuously broke down and am continuing to do so as the reality sinks in. everyone was pretty cool about the situation & did their best to negate my feeling horrible about realizing things now and having to "back out" rather than going in more honestly assessing what i could do. people as school, my parents, etc (including my godsend em yesterday...thanks girl) have been great at helping me realize that i had to try it to know it wouldn't work. and that i'm not a big failure just b/c i'm acknowledging the reality of where my body has me right now.

but it is SO hard. for me it's harder than the wheelchair thing, harder than not being able to work this past year...i think b/c that entire time i was holding on to the school application process & the hope that that's where i'd be in the fall...in a semi-normal fashion.

i know i'm beating myself up over this but as type-A me it's hard not to be. i hate having to "quit" something, even if not entirely. acknowledging my limitations, knowing i won't be able to graduate with "my class" at school, etc just hurts so much. i know that it would have been worse to get behind & really ill & have to medically withdraw entirely later in the semester. but i hate having to back out of commitments so late already, especially my field placement (b/c i can't do that without a full courseload).

i know that i'm much better off than many here & elsewhere & in that regard feel that i'm being a brat & wish i could get my emotions in gear. i'm thankful that i'm able to get out at all, that people are being supportive & not nearly as rough on me as i'm being on myself, etc. i'm thankful that i'm not as ill as i was this past spring, that i can eat real food these days, that my parents have been able to come stock my fridge with food & do my laundry the past 2 weekends when i've been unable to do so....but in the moment those things don't make things feel any better.

okay. whine session over. (at least the part that you all are stuck reading...czar the cat is having to put up with a lot more.) i'm waiting to hear back re: a few of the technicalities of things, i.e. financial aid, which classes have to be taken in which order, etc.....but i'm going to drop my schedule down to classes that will mandate my being there about 6 hours as opposed to the almost 25+ hours of "upright time" i would have been logging in per week with the regular courseload & fieldwork combined. a hard acknowledgement/decision but what i know i have to do...before my body makes an even more drastic decision on my behalf...

thanks for hearing me out,

melissa, a currently not so sunny sunfish

p.s. of course the course with my favorite - not - prof isn't one i can drop. i have to get rid of my fave class with the most awesome prof that i already wrote an 8pg paper for! more ggggggrrrrrrrrrr......

Edited September 16, 2005 by Sunfish

[Lukkychrm42]

I'm so sorry it's not working out for you the way you had hoped. Please know that we're here behind you no matter what you're able to do. We're so proud of you for getting into a program and going for it, and I think everything you've done so far is just wonderful. I admire your courage, and I hope you recognize it, too. Best of luck with your remaining classes, and I hope you get to have the awesome prof later on!

[pamela]

Hi there Sunfish, I a so proud of you for trying. To me that to courage, strenghth, faith, and stubborness too(I can relate to being hard headed). I had to give up my favorite job and hobby. I managed a kennel full of prescious dags and kitties that knew me, loved me and needed me for there comfort. I was a ballroom instructor, then I noticed that spinnin and turning was giving me trouble. That to had to go. Going to school, walking to class,standing then sitting then up again people take for granted. We all understand the difficulties that you are going through. You knew that it wa going to be hard yet you did it anyway. Way to Go!!!

So you have to cut back.. Don't give up totally try online courses,look abd don't be afraid to ask for assistance and do not ever be ashamed. These disorders aren't well known or as treatable because of whatever reasons... I do know that if you do not take care of yourself things get worse. I learned that this week from this site. Thank You all!!

I just wanted to say these things to you. I know we are young and should be so healthy and happy, but I feel about 95 somedays. You aren't alone and I will remember you in my prayers. Thanks for being a encouragement to me

Pamela

[steph37822]

oops

[Poohbear]

Melissa,

I know you are disappointed and discouraged right now and nothing I say will make that different but I hope you can feel the (((hugs))), comfort and well-wishes being sent your way!! Unfortunately, you have to go through the emotions yourself to work through them and I know how unpleasant that is.

Wish I lived close to you so I could treat you to lunch, a movie or something that would lift your spirits!

I know the pain of trying to face reality and sometimes it really does bite!!

I think you are doing the right thing though and I also believe that you will, in time, reach the goals you set for yourself.

Hang on and treat yourself to something extra comforting and special this weekend.

TTFN,

Poohbear

PS... "Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day."

Winnie the Pooh

[Ernie]

Hi,

I can relate to what you are dealing with. I had to stop my Masters x2 for health issues and the second time it was very difficult. I thought I would get depressed but to my surprise I felt physically better because I was not pushing myself beyond my limit. I was able to do some fun stuff rather than just going to school, studying and sleeping.

I still hope that one day I will find the miracle pill and get back to a normal life.

Give yourself time to get readjusted to your situation.

[Aprilmarie52]

I am sorry! Maybe you should just gradually get back into school. Just do a little bit this semester and then more the next and more the next. Have you been to the disability office? They can often help make arrangements for you. What are you going to school for? Take care .

[yogini]

Melissa,

Sorry you're having to go through this, but I think you're making the right decision. The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself. But from a fellow A type personality, I can certainly understand how hard it is to accept your limitations and make a decision like this. It sounds like your health has been improving over the past few months and hopefully it'll continue in that direction. I think you'll be able to continue your schooling at your own pace and your accomplishments will mean all the more to you because of all you've been through. I agree that you should do something for yourself this weekend - i dunno about you, but usually for me that involves chocolate!

Hang in there and feel better,

Rita

[MightyMouse]

Hi Melissa, you might want to see if you can take incomplete grades in the classes you already started--and then finish them as you can.

I'm sorry to hear how hard this is for you emotionally. Rings a nerve on this end of the internet too. Just do your best. That's all any one can ask.

Nina

[Jenn202]

I'm so sorry its been so rough lately for you

Dont ever feel like you are "complaining" for no reason...... We al have those feelings on and off.

Have you checked into online schools? There are many good ones out there...many require only minimal time on campus.

Take good care of yourself and concentrate on getting yourself feeling back to baseline.....

Take Care

[Sunfish]

thank you all SO much for your support. it's so awesome to have you all here - in good & in bad - and to know that you can "get it" to a degree that others, no matter how well meaning, just can't.

i'm definitely still having a rough time. like i said before i think it's about a lot more than "just" school in terms of my coming to terms with my limitations as more of a constant than just a bump in the road. not b/c i can't improve - i KNOW i still can - but i need to accept the new place my body is at now after all the declines of the past year & realize that just b/c i'm more functional than i was in the spring doesn't mean i'm anywhere near to where i was this time last year. i think i'm mourning big-time...not meaning to sound melodramatic, but that's where i'm at emotionally & think i need to go through it to come out on the other side...which i KNOW that i will. that's my social-worker-in-training self analysis for the day

lukky - i'm definitely hoping i'll be able to get the great prof later on. she's new to the school this year so at least she probably won't be leaving soon.

april - i'm working on getting my masters in medical social work...it'll be slowly but i think it's still doable. i have definitely already been working with disability services for parking & other things, & my already having connected with them (over the summer) is what is making it "easier" (technically speaking) for me to drop things now without penalty/withdrawals/etc.

pamela & jenn - unfortunately online classes aren't really an option for social work. so while there may come a time when i'd have to consider other options, it wouldn't be in getting an MSW.

nina - b/c of the integration of the fieldwork with some of the classes, incompletes wouldn't be an option for anything i'm dropping b/c they're classes that have to be taken concurrently with fieldwork. i know it sounds a bit confusing but i'm sparing you the details that would make it a bit clearer. i'm not going to be penalized at all for dropping them though - academically or financially - b/c of the fact that i've worked through disability services. it'll be as if i'd never started them & i'll hopefully be able to do them again (& will hold on to what i've already worked on) next fall with a field placement (but less coursework overall).

ernie - i'm needing this to at least give me the where with all to be able to get to the store for toothpaste (i'm almost out!) and take a shower more than weekly (eeeeewwww, i know!). and i'm hoping, like you said, that it will give me the ability to have a least a bit of freedom for other things as well, if even occassionally. if you do find that magic pill, though, you'd better let me know right away!!

thanks again for ALL of your words of affirmation, support, & encouragement. i can't even tell you how much it means. i know i'm doing the right thing but since my emotions aren't quite caught up yet it's so good to have others behind me.

melissa, not yet my sunny sunfish self but knowing i'll get there...

p.s. i don't know if i'll have the energy to do something special this weekend, but will give myself an "i owe myself" coupon. amazingly enough i don't even have any goodies in the house to chomp on right now! although ice cream sure sounds good....(graeters for my fellow ohioans)

[Guest Julia59]

Melissa,

I read your post and wish there was something I could do to take away all the problems your having right now.

This is a rough spell for you, but I really think you'll feel better eventually, and you will get though your classes. There in nothing wrong with part time-----it's better to stay stable with your health.

Don't think your a brat because your posting about some very valid feelings, and disappointments. Everyone's illness affects them differently to a degree, and we all go though a lot of the same things, and some have it more rough then others. But we ALL need support--------including you .

Your wise beyond your years---and you will figure out a way to meet your goals, but take care of your body first----------

I'm sorry that you will be penalized for dropping the classes, but in time it will be a distant memory. You are doing the right thing by listening to your body----and your body will thank you later for it.

We all have ups and downs-----and I was doing pretty good for a while, then crashed again---and I'm trying to climb out. You are there also-----you'll climb out----you just have it in you.

Just be careful to pace yourself. Don't be hard on yourself for trying your best---there is nothing wrong with that.

I'm glad you can eat----how about treating yourself to some ice cream---or a little chocolate---or both------

Julie :0)

[Sunfish]

julie -

yep, as soon as i feel up to leaving my apartment i may hunt down some ice cream. or whatever i feel like at the moment. (i even thought about ordering a pizza earlier but knew i'd eat too much & end up with a very upset belly! i wish i could order ice cream delivery...)

sorry if it got confusing in my many ramblings, but i am NOT going to penalized for my dropping classes b/c it's health related. i guess i just wanted to clarify b/c the folks at school have all been really great, making the situation that i'm so bummed to be in as easy as it possibly could be in terms of the logistics.

my mom (and some others) have told me the same thing re: my being wise beyond my years. i definitely feel older than i am in terms of experiences; i just wish i didn't have the old-acting body to go with it...i'm less functional than my grandmother who is in her 70s (steph i think i received a body transplant at some point too!) but i suppose it's a package deal b/c without the one i wouldn't have the other...

thanks for your kind words,

melissa

[lalalisa]

Melissa,

Hello! First of all I've been meaning to tell you that I really appreciate all of your time and energy you put into this forum. You are always so encouraging and thoughtful. Thanks!

Wow, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now. I'm sure it's really difficult having to drop some courses and face your limitations. I definitely have times where my health and limitations are just so much more obvious (like staring me in the face).....it's at these times that I struggle the most. Please know that we are all cheering you on and also that it's ok to take school at a slower pace.

I hope you have a better day and week ahead of you.

Keep us posted,

Lisa

[DancingLight]

hey not-so-sunny sunfish,

how are you tonight? i think mourning is a good thing. but, you already know that from me...

already sent you my 'deep thoughts' on this...but i did think of one more thing...that you mentioned in your posts. i was thinking this way you will have maybe a little more balance--and can get your toothpaste and ice cream and get a shower! staying full-time would have meant NO time for anything but school, which is hard too...and you know as a future social worker that we need balance...so maybe this will, in the end, be best...but in the meantime it STINKS, i know. we want you to have time for us on the board! he-he. just trying to let you know how much you're loved....i know, i'm not doing a very good job.

i just wish i knew what to say...and i don't...except that i am thinking about you! HUGS!

later alligator!

emily

[katsusu]

hi,

I learned a few things on how to change my attitude about situations - to make living through those situations mmore livable-when I was going to therapy. I thought that maybe they might be able to help you change your outlook from the bad part of your situaton to the good part.

First, you should be proud of yourself - you have to start looking at what you are doing instead of what you are not doing. You probably do have alittle too much on your plate right now- You should go to your advisor -tell them the situation - bring them information about POTS and how it effects you - be honest - tell them that you do not want to give your dream up but you need re map your schedule to give you time to rest so that you can keep up. They will be probably be very helpful and let you drop or postpone a class. When I had to stop classes due to finding out about a health issue the school let me drop the class at no cost to me. Talk to them- Tell them how important it is to you- i know they will understand and help you.

2nd- where does it say that you have to be super women. you- we - have a bad condition that effects us everyday. It effects us more then many well known illnesses- we are made to feel guilty because we do not get the reconition that we are really suffering something real. We cannot even hardly find doctors that have even heard of the conditions. No wonder you are made to feel like you are a failure for not being able to complete a full course. Not trying to be mean- but if you had a handicap that people could see - you would be an encouragement. If people knew what you had to go through everyday- you would be a motivator in their life- let people know- they will not pity or feel sorry for you - they will be like all of us here that are amazed at your courage and strength for doing what you do.

3rd- you have a condition- you need to learn more within it. that does not mean - completely listening to your body because if you did that you would haave to give up everything. But know when you can push and when you cannot. Know yourself- make sure you eat and drink and rest. If you have a busy schedule give yourself a little down time by organizing your day so you can give yourself a small power nap in the car. I do that all the time. Make sure your medication is on schedule . Know what you can and cannot do- if you cannot handle standing as much or if sitting is hard in school chairs- ask the teacher if you can use one of those new protable folding chairs - i have just found out they help me tolerate long periods of time sitting. Find the tricks that help you and use them.

4th you have to change your attitude from i am doing so bad to wow - i am actually doing this. i admire what you are doing , i wish i never gave up my dream by taking the easy way because i was scared. now i am applying for SS instead of living out my dream. I thought that i would be worse off now, but instead i am doing pretty good but i do not have a skill i can fall back on. I learned something from my physch doctor-if you can not change the situation then change your attitude towarads it. Yes - it is hard- stressful- and you feel tired and sick - you knew that would happer- but nothing says that you have to be miserable about it. You can be happy with life wven if it is hard and stressfull. by learning how to do this one skill -your life will change so much and will be much more tolerable. You have the power to be happy sick or miserably sick - now saying that - i know this hard to do and you will have alot of down time over this. That is ok- just do not let yourself be guilty . If you are going to feel guilty or overwhele might as well enjoy yourself - take a nap -relax- take a nice bath . The sooner you rest the sooner you will be back on your feet.

I have a few more thoughts on the matter but I need to rest for awhile.

I hope this helps-alittle bit.

Kathleen

[Sunfish]

lisa & em - thanks gals

kathleen -

thanks for taking the time to write so much. i guess i just have to say that 99% of the time i'm on the side of being positive, optimistic, good attitude, etc. at least i think i am and have been told so by my friends & family. but this is my "safe place" to let down my guard every once in awhile. for me i need to allow myself to be upset in order to able to get to the next page per se. i am not miserable nor plan to ever be but used to be someone who pretended all was well all the time no matter what (not health-wise, just in general) and that's not healthy either.

i have dealt with various levels of being ill for a number of years now & have made a lot of adjustments - some pretty darn creative - that have allowed me to do what i can with what i have. and i am happy about that & continue to come up with new things. i actually have to use a wheelchair now for most of the time i am "out & about" b/c otherwise i am MUCH more limited & wouldn't be able to be doing school at all; so in that regard my illness is pretty visible - obviously not all parts of it, but the fact that something is going on.

i have already spoken with people at school and they have been wonderfully supportive re: my having cut back so that isn't an issue. the few classmates that know have also been great.

i agree with most of what you wrote & could have written most of it myself but i don't think it is a good thing to choose to be happy ALL the time. obviously one can get caught up in the "being upset" side of things, but i think dealing with the difficulty of having to make such major life changes is just as important as having an overall good attitude.

thanks again,

melissa

[Madwife]

Oh Melissa, sending u a big hug.

Melissa I do know and understand how hard this is for u right now and being another stubborn minded person how much u are beating yourself up. U listen though when we all tell u how proud of yourself u should be for what u have achieved to date. I know this does not make things any easier but u hold an enormous amount of strenght and courage in just being able to admit that this is not a realistic possibilty at this point in time for u but that u also had the courage to give it a go. If u hadn't u would still be beating yourself up for not trying.

My illness kicked in during my final midwifery exams, leaving me in hospital for four months, paralysed for eight months and two cardiac arrests. I had to lie back and watch all my friends graduate and finally start their careers for which we all yearned for so long. This was so hard and I was so jealous. At the time they couldn't tell me if I was ever gonna be able to sit up again let alone walk...anyway here I am four years down the line, 3 cardiac arrests later and still here to tell the tale that I have now reached my dream and work as a midwife. The point is that it took a lot longer and a lot of fighting to achieve and still does but I got there and SO WILL YOU!! I am a true believer in fate and I know this is so hard to accept at the time but there is some reason why this is not meant to be for u at this particular moment and the outcome will be positive and I know u will achieve ur dream one day in the future.

I just want u to know that myself and all the others are thinking of u and sendin positive vibes ur way to help u through this time. U try and keep hold of that stubborness as that will give u the strength to keep on fighting!

U take care babe and just think when u get to the end how much compassion u will have for ur clients because u have been through the rough times to and will hold an understanding many don't have.

[katsusu]

You are an inspiration. I know what you mean by having a safe place to get rid of the garbage. I actually wrote for n article for the Newsletter. I do believe that you have to let yourself be weak to be strong. I actually look at that as a strength in character.

here is part of what I wrote for 2004 FALL newsletter............

Tips On Being Sick

by Kathleen Blose

Kathleen Blose has both POTS and Parkinson?s disease. The following are tips that have helped her deal with her illnesses.

You Are Going to Have Rough Days

No matter how strong you want to be, show yourself to be or even actually are, you are going to have rough days. They might be physical (feeling so sick and tired that you cannot get out of bed) or emotional (days you just want to explode-- when you are tired of being strong or when you want to quit being sick) or both.

Well, that's ok. Give yourself permission to be sick, for an hour or two or even a day or two. What I mean is, if you're going to feel sick, you might as well ?enjoy? it. Don't let yourself play the guilt game or the "I should be" game (I should be stronger...I should be making dinner). Sometimes you just need to let yourself be sick. By relaxing and resting, you will be able to enjoy your life more?and sooner.

It is Hard to be Strong

If you are like me, you are strong for everybody else no matter how you feel. It's just the natural thing to do. You protect them from the pain you feel. Finding ?safe places? where I can let out my feelings has helped.

Sometimes it is Not the Sickness but Just Life

If a day feels worse than others, you need to look at what you did that day. Did you do a lot? Do you have a cold? Or are you just having a rough day? Are you feeling more stress? These factors can all affect how you feel. Know your limits, and your body-- then you will know why one day might be worse than another. You might even be able to predict rough days.

You Cannot Do Everything

To have energy for your family, you might have to lessen your load for a while. It takes some of the stress off and really does make life at this difficult time easier and less stressful, making life more enjoyable for you.

Nobody Really Understands What You Are Going Through

What you feel is what you feel. You will get a lot of support but nobody understands what you are feeling inside. Whatever you feel, you have the right to feel it. Sometimes you will feel strong, sometimes not, but be careful because I found that painful emotions were harder to fight than being in physical pain. Also, if I was very emotional one day, I would have to stop and look at why. Usually it was because I overdid it and I was really tired.

You Might Become so Strong that when People See You they will Say You Look Great--You Must Be Feeling Fine. They are Misunderstanding that a Good Attitude and Being Strong Does Not Mean You are Feeling Well

This might sound silly, but sometimes it would bug me, especially if it was a doctor who would mistake my good attitude for how I was feeling. If I lived the way I felt, my life would be too depressing. I think you will understand this as time goes on.

Psychologists Can Be Good

Seeing a psychologist doesn't mean you are depressed or weak. It is just a good source of support. It gives you one place where you are allowed to be weak. Being in a supportive place was a luxury I didn?t allow myself, and that was stressful. Remember that meds and illness can cause depression. Using a psychologist is a good way to understand this kind of issue.

Medication and What's Happening Can Cause Depression and Lack of Concentration

I believe medication and illness can cause mental changes like depression and lack of concentration. First thing to remember: there is no crime in being depressed. Second thing, it could be a side affect of your medication. Something else to be aware of when you can?t quite figure out what is going on.

Support Groups, Web Pages and Chat Rooms Are a Good Source of Info and Support

Talking to people that have gone through what you are going through is one of the best ways to keep informed. Being informed takes the surprises and fear out of what is happening.

Writing Your Feelings in a Journal, or Poems, or Drawing is a Good Way to Let Out Feelings

Try it. You might be surprised.

I know that you will understand these TIPS- for you are indeed experience in handling your illness. Which mentally and emotionally is sometimes harder then physically. We have more power in ourselves to change our emotions (how we will react to situations) then we do our physical self.

Take care of yourself - and please and get rid of any of your garbage. This is weird for me to say but you know the saying -one persons garbage is another person's treasures. I truly believe that people are being encouraged by you.

Kathleen

[JaneEyre9]

Oh Melissa,

I feel so much empathy for you. The emotions are so hard: extreme let-down after pushing so hard, acknowledging your worst fears... readjusting to your new reality...

I just want to tell you that i admire your courage and your attitude. You have responded so maturely. Obviously i've never been in your exact situation, but all the feelings you said you are having, i've felt. Whether it was withdrawing from courses in college because i was too sick in the building, or having to stop school and work short of finishing my degree this summer... I've felt similar pain.

If you want some company this weekend or next week, give me a call...i'll get a ride over to your place somehow and bring some ice cream We can lie flat together and maybe watch a movie...or talk! Don't worry about showering for me...i have been averaging about 3 per week now that my body's wrung out from rehab.

Kristen

[Eillyre]

I'm sending you a huge hug, fuzzy slippers, and a big bowl of ice cream, Melissa!

I'm not feeling so great at the moment myself -- totally crashed yesterday after warding it off for about a week -- but had to send my love anyhow. It has to be so crushingly hard to have to cut back so much, after all of the preparation and work and excitement of getting back into the swing of things.... I'm so, so sorry it had to happen. I'm glad that you can at least keep up with some of it -- that you didn't have to drop it all....

I wish I could be there to help out... although the way I am now, you probably wouldn't want me! Talk about the blind leading the blind -- we'd be a complete wreck! Maybe sell some tickets to pay for meds?! .

With love & hopes for sunnier days for our favourite fish,

Angela

[KathyP]

Hi Melissa;

I just thought I would send my own words of support and encouragement your way!!

I have some idea of what you are going through. I had to pull back and slow down with some things I wanted to accomplish in my life. It was very difficult and I felt like such a failure. But, farther down my path I realized that there was something else I was meant to do. I couldn't see it at first because I wanted to do as much as I could to reach my goal. But as soon as the dust of my disappointment cleared I new I made the right decision. I may not have reached my goal when I wanted to but I never lost my passion. Your passion is something that no person or disability can take away from you.

Everything that I read about what you were trying to accomplished really amazed and impressed me. You were doing and taking on more than an average healthy person would want to do. What's the saying, "ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY!" After you slow down, and rest you will be able decided how to approach your goal from a different angle. You with get there!

Peace!

KathyP

[Evie]

Just cry if you need to ... cry cry cry (like you can stop it anyway hehe)

Feel sorry for yourself for a while .... its heartbreaking.

Similar thing happend to me last semester...I was so sure i was ready for full time...i cried for a week. (and i still randomly cry out of frustration). I was only doing 11 hours and moved down to 6... you were doing 25? WOW! That was one big effort for you

I hope that the 6 hours works out for you, and your family sound wonderful (comming to do your laundry etc), here is a big net hug *HUGS*

I wish i could say more to make you feel better, I think you were really strong to have tried in the first place... its so scary!

[Guest Finrussak]

I am so sorry to hear of your setbacks...but please remember the mantra "FOR NOW" it may help...like you are cutting back FOR NOW; taking it a bit easier FOR NOW; dropoing a few classes FOR NOW...it will take a bit longer than others, but you are NOT "others" you are special and that means special handling...

and I am especially bummed about you not being able to drop Prof Meanie...of all the possible benefits of having to cut back, THAT wouldve been a good one.

Its hard to be thankful for the small steps when so many around us are running, but you are never a BRAT for having those thoughts. I understand totally and wish you success, even if it has to be in small bites!!!

You are trying for a noble profession, helping others and in the short time Ive been reading your posts I get a sense that THIS is right for you!!! Deep breath, have a pity party, then try to keep going...we are all here cheering for you!!!!

[morgan617]

Melissa, I'm sorry I didn't read through all the posts as some of them are long (sorry, this coming from gabby hays) but just wanted to let you know I'm pulling for you, don't hurt yourself trying to prove anything. My son has a lot of chronic illnesses and is about your age. He takes the min number of credits per quarter. He lives at home and still has lots of rotten days. So I understand from the perspective of a parent with a chronically ill child. I like him to push, but not till it hurts, so that is my advice to you...mommymorgan