Pots And Relationships

[carinara]

Hello everybody, iam embarassed to write about my relationships problems and POTS

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but i really need some of your advice right now. Iam in a relationship for more then 7 years now. My boyfriend is like a ticking time bomb at times. He gets very verbaly aggressive towards me and my daughter and he screams and shouts and gets so mean and there is nothing i can do about it. When he is in a bad mood he will laugh at me when i cant get up. He knows how stress effects me (hyperadr. POTS) but he still picks on me and wants to argue with me about every little thing. If i try to talk with him, he tells me to shut up and gets aggressiv, when he sees me having to lay down because of my high HR he sometimes says things like: oh do you feel bad again (in his ironic voice) and calls me all kind of names.

Whenever he is in a good mood, he is a totally different person. He goes grocery shopping and takes my daughter and me out on little trips, he is even really funny and does some fun things with my daughter wich i cant do anymore because of POTS, he also looks after me and cares sometimes.

If i were healthy, i would definately leave him, nobody diserves to be treated like this. The past week his moods were extreme agressive, i even had to ring my brother in law to try to calm him down because my body couldnt handle the stress anymore. Oh how i wish i could just run out of the house in them sort of situations, but i cant.

My sister who knows about his mood swings (and friends as well) tell me to through him out of my place and to split up with him. And beliefe me, if i would be healthy i would. But iam so scared. Who gets up at nights in case i have a bad episode and need urgent help? Who walks with the dog if i cant?, who drives me to doctor appointments hundrets of miles away if i have to go there? I cant do that on my own. If i split up with him then all the little fun things my daughter can do with him (when he is in a good mood) are gone as well. Then we cant even go on our booked holiday and i promised my little one that she will see the ocean this year. Because of my suffering from POTS, she doesnt have a mum who can to lots of stuff anyway.

I also work 28 hours a week and my day is well planed so i can manage the POTS symptoms, work and all the other stuff. I cant do it all on my own though. All my friends live far away, my parents are always travelling around the world and have their own life. My sister is also working and even though she offers her help, you all know that there are a million tiny little things that we need help with at times. I know i wouldnt ring her in the middle of the night because i cant get up to use the toilet on my own.

On top of this all, i got a letter in the mail yesterday. My landlord wants to sell the apartment i rent of him, and he offered me a very nice price in case i want to buy it. If i decide to buy it, and split up with my boyfriend then his part of the money is missing and what if i get as sick as in 2004 and 2007 and cant work for 4 month?

How nice it would be to have somebody on my side who treats me right with respect and love. Every day i try to be the best person i can be, i hate stress and arguments, i always try to talk things over and treat people with respect.

My head is spinning right now, i have a bad headache because of his bad attacks today. I supposed to relax on the weekends to get some energy back for my next working week. His mood is better now, he even laughed with my daughter a few moments ago.

Please tell me what you think? If my friend would be in a situation like this, i would tell her to split up. But i have POTS,and a job + being a single mum. when my friends tell me to get rid of him and i tell them about my struggle due to Symptoms, they just say things like, well you will manage or dont panic. BUT THEY DONT KNOW WHAT DYSAUTONOMIA FEELS LIKE.

Sometimes my partner goes weeks without being mean to me, then i can really relax and enjoy our family life, but every once in a while he totally goes mad.

On thursday we have an appointment with his counselor, my partner has been there a couple of times but without succsess. No i have to go so we can talk about his agressiv side. I am very nervous about it already because i dont want to end up being told i am to sensitive or something stupid like that. Because my partner is a very clever man and knows how to play being every bodys darling.

Thanks a lot. And sorry for the long and confusing post.

Carinara

[Katja]

it may help if he sees a psychiatrist. what you describe sounds to me, offhand, like some variant of bipolar disorder, or another type of cyclical mood disorder (which simply means that he has periodic mood swings that he may not be able to control, possibly with an organic basis). medication may help, if therapy is not enough, though this depends on him being willing to speak to someone about this. maybe you could bring it up when he's in a good mood?

[all4family]

Hi,

I am so sorry for what you are going through, and understand the situation you are in. Why is he going to counseling? Was it his idea? Or yours? If he has done this on his own that is a great thing, because he realizes there is a problem there, and will hopefully mean he will be more eager to change. I think the counseling will be good. Even if he does his darling act, the counselor should be able to recognize that. But if not that doesn't change the way you act. I do believe people can change, and obviously he has his good points. Was he like this before you were sick? Or have you been sick the whole time you've known him? Do you think he feels resentful of you being sick? Or is this just his "personality"? I hope things will work out in a way that will will give you some rest. Trying to keep up with someone who is being so mean is just physically exhausting, and draining. Even for a healthy person. I just want to cry for you when you talk about him being able to do those things with your daughter. I know how heartbreaking that is, and am so sorry. Give your daughter a big hug. You both need one.

Hugs

Suzy

[turtlefairy5]

As a beeper myself, this does smell a little of BiPolar disorder, though I don't want to chalk up your partner's abhorent behavior to a mental illness. He's still responsible for his actions.

Also, I get the idea that if you suggested a psychiatrist to him, he wouldn't be too happy.

I recognize that you don't feel like you can leave right now, but what you can do is start building up resources (money, friends, etc. support) with the idea of leaving or at least becoming more independent so you have the option if you want it.

Take care of YOURSELF,

Amber

[yogini]

Even though he can do some fun things with your daughter that you might not be able to, she is probably affected by his moods as much as you are. You're in the best position to decide whether to stay, but I agree that saving up is a good idea. Also, buying an apartment with him would make it much harder to break up, so maybe that isn't a good idea.

Your family may be more willing to help than you think - could you move in with them or move near them so that they can help care for your daughter? If not, there are organizations that can give you advice, even a place to live if you decide to leave.

[dsdmom]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Nobody should go through that. With health problems it makes it that much harder. However, I am struck by the fact that your daughter is in the middle of this. You have a choice in this matter - your daughter does not. If for no other reason, get out of this relationship for your daughter's sake. What if he hurt her? I am sorry if I sound harsh but you need to think about her, as tough as things are for you. You deserve better and so does she.

[pat57]

I'm sorry to plop this thought in your lap, but I have been there and done that - it sounds familiar.

You should look for a support group for women in abusive relationships. Or codependent or both. By educating yourself you may be able to make improvements in the relationship.

Even if not, you can enjoy the support and dignity offered by the group.

http://www.ask.com/bar?q=the+honymoon+peri...ticViolence.htm

Identifying an Abusive Relationship

Does your partner...

* put you down, constantly criticize you, or say blatantly cruel, hurtful things?

* act in a controlling, jealous manner?

* criticize the way you parent your children?

* say things to spite you?

* bring up the past to hurt you?

* swear at you?

* yell and scream at you?

* give you the 'silent treatment'?

* insist you cater to his/her whims?

* treat you like a personal servant?

* monitor your time?

* discourage or prevent you from getting medical care?

* discourage or prevent you from attending school?

* discourage or prevent you from socializing with friends?

* discourage or prevent you from working?

* accuse you of having affairs? Of constantly flirting with other men/women?

* demand that you stay at home with the children?

* discourage or prevent you from seeing your family?

* restrict or monitor your use of the car?

* restrict or monitor your use of the telephone?

* prevent you from leaving the house?

* tell you that your feelings are irrational and/or crazy?

* blame you for his/her temper or mood?

* blame you for his/her use of violence?

* change moods radically?

* try to convince you that you are crazy?

* threaten to hurt him/her self if you left?

* threaten to hurt him/her self if you don't do what he/she wants?

* threaten to have an affair?

* threaten to leave the relationship?

* threaten to take your children away from you?

* threaten to hurt your children?

* threaten to commit you to an institution?

If one or more of these items is true for you, you may be involved in an abusive, dangerous relationship.

[Ernie]

Hi,

He might be contributing to making you sicker than you would be without him.

[nantynannie]

No offense to anyone, but whether it is mental illness or not, this is called THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE and the situation calls for a reality check, so here I am. He WILL physically hurt you if he hasn't already. Guaranteed, 100% chance he will hurt you and/or your daughter. Everyone in an abusive relationship has a reason to stay and put up with the abuse. It is usually financial support. He knows you are dependant on him. I hate to sound unsympathetic, but your first responsibility is to your daughter. Everything else is secondary. YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS. Do the right thing and get away from this guy, however you can. I wish you the best and please keep us updated. I care deeply about your situation. Please get help.

[carinara]

Thank you all for replying.

That means so much to me.

I just want to give you some more detailed information, (if you are interested) so you can get a fuller picture of the situation iam in.

It is not my first relationship with an abusive partner. In fact, my ex-husband (father of my child) was an addicted gambler (without me knowing about it for years). He was treating be really bad as well. In fact, he was more abusive then my partner now. When i was still married (this was about 8 years ago), i was totally dependend on my husband financially because i was working in his company. Back then i had my first real POTS episode were i was bedridden for a few weeks. But the doctors couldnt figuer out what was wrong with me and thats when my ex husband started to think i made it all up, he punished me every day because i couldnt to things as good as before. For years i thought it must be my fault because he is treating me so bad. But when i found out about his gambling and started to tell a friend about his behavior, she told me that its not my fault and that he ?s got a major problem. I started to read about gambling, i saved money, i read all the books about abusive relationships i could find, i went to a counselor and to an organisation who treats gamblers. The day, when my ex-husband put me against the wall with his hand on my throat was the day i left. After a short period of time, i had an apartment and my current job. I was very hurt and i didnt ever want another relationship again.

A year later, i met my current partner. Like i said, i didnt look for a relationship but he tried so hard, he even followed and surprised us to a holiday in spain that i went on with my parents. After a little while, everybody loved him, especially my daughter (she was 5 years old back then). My boyfriend was an singer and actor and performed at a local theater for a few month. Shortly after we met, his job was over and he was ready to move back to his city (about a 6 hours drive). Where his next job was waiting for him. But he decided to stay with my daughter and me and so he moved into our apartment with us after a short period of time. We still live in the same apartment, so it is my apartment all the furniture is mine as well. He was unemployed for over 2 years, so i supported him. Now he?s got a job. Iam financially not depended on him. I still have the same job i had, when i left my ex-husband 8 years ago. I can pay my rent myself, just like i did before i met him. But i must admit, that his monthly part of the rent (because since he?s got a job, we share the rent), makes it easier for me financially.

And when i couldnt work for 4 months in 2004 and 2007 his earnings helped as well.

After a few months, he started to have these mood swings and he started becoming abusive. I still remembered all the books i have read and information i have had about abusive relationships, but he was different, he talked openly about his "temper" and that he always had it, even in his previous relationships. (and he is still good friends with his ex-girlfriend today). He told me about his violent childhood with his father beating his whole family.

He never hit me or my daughter ever before, and if he ever does (like my ex husband once) then i will end this relationship, even if iam bedridden and cant get up. Thats for sure.

Last year i told him, that i was going to end this relationship if he doesnt get help and works to controll his agressive side. Previous to that i organised meetings with several family counselors to talk about the problems. He said from the beginning, that he knows,,that talking about his problems wouldnt help him, but to show me his good will, he would come and join me. At every counseling, i was trying to explain that his mood swings come out of the blue, but the different counselors always said things like: you have to find a middle way or just communicate better. I read all the books about communicating in relationships i could find and tried everything i could to make things better, but its impossible with him. Its like being with a small child at times, if he is happy he is in such a great mood and everybody around him must be happy, if he is angry about something, he seems to let it all out on us immidiately. It feels like as if he cant control his impulses, like a small child.

Dont get me wrong, sometimes there are periods of time, were he is totally in balance. From last august on until 4 weeks ago, everything was more or less ok. He is funny and all my daughters friends love him and by the way, he seems to be able to control his anger when somebody else is around anyway).

He can also be very caring and loving.

Whenever he gets mean though, i dont just let it happen without responding. If it happenes that my daughter is around, i stand up for whats right and tell my opinion or tell him off. I make sure that my daughter and i go into a different room or ring my sister, or if i feel up to it, we leave the house. My daughter is also allowed to talk about how she feels about his moods, to the rest of my family. So its not a secret. Everybody knows about his agressive moods sometimes. And he knows as well that everybody knows. Iam very open about it, he should know that people know and that they think its not ok.

My daughter is in the middle of puperty now, she isnt scared of him. In fact, i think she see?s him more like a brother typ. When he treats her mean, she tells him off as well, she gets up leaves the room and i talk to her straight away and we both agree that he is out of order. Sometimes he appologices, but most of the time he doesnt.

Like i mentioned before, this coming Thursday i will join him with his counselor. It seems like they havent worked anything out yet. My boyfriend shouted the other day that talking doesnt help him and even though he tells me he wants to change, i dont see that he really does want to. Last night i wrote his counselor a letter, i thought its a good idea if he knows how i feel and what really happens at home. I dont want to spend another counseling hour talking about "why men dont like to talk and women cant park". Thats somehow always how he gets away with his behaviour. In his mind he thinks thats normal .

I havent slept much the last few days because all of this is getting to me. My HR shoots up faster and higher as usual when i get up, my symptoms are worse due to this stress and tomorrow is monday and i have to work 8 hours. I dont know what Thursday brings, i wish i had a normal relationship and i dont know what will happen next. He doesnt talk to me about his moods. They just happen, he screams and forgets about them.

Can he change? Or is it just a waste of time for me to try again and again?

Carinara

[Ernie]

Hi,

He needs to want to change and he has to go to anger management class or have a therapy to work on his violent childhood.

[nantynannie]

Hi Carinara,

Love doesn't hurt. Love helps, heals, supports and sacrifices for the well being of another.

I don't think you are healthy enough to wait and see if he will "get better." He hasn't gotten better yet and there is very little hope that he will get better. It is good to hear you aren't hiding the abuse from your family, but that doesn't make it any less abusive. He needs to move out and get help on his own. If he changes then he can call you. Meanwhile, you will have much less stress and you will be showing your daughter how to take care of herself and not depend on an abusive man. The longer your daughter is around this man, the more she will identify with his behavior. She might "know" it is wrong, but she will subconciously gravitate toward this type of man when she is older.

It sounds like you have your head together and you know what you need to do. It's just taking the final step, which will be difficult. Don't wait for him to hit you, do it now. It makes no sense to leave after he hits you. You need to leave BEFORE he hits you. What are you getting out of this relationship besides financial support? You are not getting loved and you are not showing your daughter love.

I have lived it as a child and seen this with other women literally thousands of times. By the way, with your codependancy, he will never change. The best thing you can do for him is to seperate and tell him to get help on his own. It is much more difficult to change his behaviour when you are helping him get away with it.

I know I don't sound as sympathetic as the others, but I have seen too many of these relationships end badly. VERY BADLY. Start planning now. Call your sister or friends and ask for support, they will help you get through this. I hope everything works out for you and your daughter, take care and please keep us updated.

[firewatcher]

Carinara,

The man you have is the man you get. Unless there is an honest, visible effort on his part to change there WILL BE NO CHANGE! You cannot change a person, no matter how much you love him or how much you try. If you were in an abusive relationship before, you are more likely to get into another one. Prepare yourself, prepare your daughter. This is not good for either of you or your health!

My prayers are with you. Good luck sweetie!

(((((((((((((((protective hug!)))))))))))))))))))

[EarthMother]

Wow. Your plight has touched so many cellular memories for each of us. Understand that we can only express our own reflection of the situation back to you. Ultimately we are each alone in where we stand in the moment and in which direction our next step will lead.

In my reality ... this moment is all there is. Accepting what is in this moment, just as it is is how I try and shape my life. Sometimes people may not understand what is meant by ACCEPTANCE. Fearing that if they accept their situation, there will not be change. But acceptance, for me, means really seeing how things are and not holding on to a hope that things could get better some day. It is only when a woman ACCEPTS that her aggressive partner is the way he is, that he has not changed in all these years, that she can then decide to end the relationship.

Trust your wisdom and may strength and courage come to aide you in whatever step occurs for you to take next.

~EM

[Katja]

carinara - I did want to clarify that I didn't want to imply, if this is how it came across, that he is not responsible for his actions, whether he is able to control his mood swings, or not. if he is aware of his behavior, then he is capable of making the choice to get help. if he does not make any effort to find a way to control his temper, then you can't hope to change him.

[pat57]

carinara ,

If there is a (repeated) pattern in his behavior, normally there won't be change.

[Rene S.]

Hi Carina,

My heart breaks for you. You are in a Catch-22. I'm in an almost same situation, except that I have no one. I've been divorced 1 year (pure stress) and now I'm totally alone. I too have the hyper POTs and it scares me to death. It's to the point where I fear driving because I hear my heart pounding away and I know that means my b/p is up. I have no one. I just moved from my dream home into a townhouse. I'm so stuck. I have no one to take me to the grocery store, dr's etc. I understand where you are coming from. You have someone who is there if you have an emergency.

However, abuse should never be tolerated. I think one of the reasons why my husband left me was because he couldn't deal with the fibro/cfs. Luckily for him he wasn't around when the dysautonomia struck. I wonder now how I'm ever going to find someone. My friends keep telling me to get out of the house, but they have no idea about this condition. Do they think I want to be this way??? I'm tired of the headaches, the fatigue, shaking constantly. Scared of a panic attack or worse while out by myself.

You have to do what is right for you and your daughter. If you wish to stay with this man, you must insist that he continues the counseling sessions. I have started seeing a therapist myself. I've never felt so utterly alone. And now my ex is marrying a much younger woman.

I wish I had a better answer for you. Right now I would choose anyone rather than be alone - but I'm only speaking for myself.

Good luck and I hope things work out to your advantage.

Ruekat (Rene)

[dizzygirl]

carinara-- I can certainly sympathize with your current situtation...I just wanted to throw my two cents in here....

For starters I really do not think that your boyfriend behavor can be chalked up to bi-polar.. that is an easy out - an exscuse to an abusive mans behavior and not wanting to take accountability for his OWN actions. He sounds like he is going thru the "typical" cycle of abusive patterns... and appears to "loose" when you are most valunerable. he needs to be held accountable....

I know that it is really easy to say "oh just leave him" but truth be told that is something that only you can decide in your own time.. when you are ready...

Couple of thoughts...but do you qualify for any social service agency help? like help with maybe an aide? thru an in home health agency? who can come help you a few days a week..

Maybe if you could gain some independence.. in finding help for your self- so that you wont have to be so dependent on you BF- maybe that could help give you the confidence and comfort for when you have flares.

also maybe see if there is something available for your daughter.. maybe big brother/Big sister... where she would get paired up with an older girl that would in a sense mentor her.. take her on outings.. empower her and encourage her.. give her an outlet?

Also maybe contacting a local domestic violence hotline.. there are some that are run 24 hours.. where there are councelors available... I do not that in some area's (it depends where you are) counselors will come to your home...

and your family might be more willing to help you then you think..maybe talk to your parents and see if they cant help you get into a place or get some money set aside for emergencys...

call local agencys and see what kind of help you might qualify for...

I wish you the best of luck.. and support in which ever direction you go in....

Hugs

Linda

[carinara]

Hello again, first i want to thank you all for writing back and sharing your opinions with me.

I just want to give you a quick update on the current situation. Two days ago, my Boyfriend changed into Mr. Nice guy again. All of a sudden he is in a good mood again, spents lots of fun time with my daughter and helps around the apartment wherever he can. Please believe me when i say, that his characterchange doesnt impress me at all. I have been there and seen it many times before. Last night i brought his mood swings up in a conversation and for a change, he listened. When i talk to him, i often think we live on different planets. When i say a, he understands b and in the end its always my fault anyway. Well last night he said, that he honestly believes that there is something wrong with him. He admited that he knows that he is out of order at times but he seems not to be able to control his anger. 1,5 years ago, when i told him that he needs to seek help otherwise he will loose us, he agreed to get therapie. It took a whole year before his psychologist had an appointment available, meanwhile he went to see a neurologist to get a prescription for the psychologist. A very good friend of mine told me, that he might have a borderline disorder. So i bought myself a book and searched in the internet about the borderline illness and to be honest, i really thought or think he has got something like that. So he went back to the neurologist (because he read about it as well and also thought that he might have it), the neurologist told him to talk with his psychologist about it, because he cant just tell him if he has got it or not, so he gave him a prescription for the psychologist saying that he might have a borderline disorder. When he first saw his psychologist a few month ago, he told me that they got on really well together. When i asked him detailed question about the counseling he told me that his psychologist doesnt think that he is a borderliner. He also said, that children get on everybodies nerves at times and that its normal to get mad sometimes. He even came home ones telling me, that his psychologist explained that his temper is due to his nationality (he is turkish) and that it always takes two to argue, WHAT????????

Then my boyfriend told me that his psychologist said that its necessary for me to come and join them because otherwise he doesnt know what else to work on with him. (that was after 4 hours of counseling and he is already healed ?????). At that point my boyfriend got really confident in thinking that he must be ok because his psychologist said so. That was the point when i decided to write his psychologist a letter in wich i described my boyfriends behaviour. I choose to write because i know i will be nervous and my POTS Symptoms might play up big time on thursday when our appointment is. I might just have to concentrate on sitting and breathing and my dizziness will most likely disturb my clear way of thinking and talking whilest being at that meeting. (Oh how i wish i could just concentrade on talking , but instead there are so many other things that distract us due to silly POTS Symptoms)

So i will print everything out and take it with me, i also hope that i can sit down straight away, and that its not to warm in his office so i can manage ok.

I dont know what Thursday brings, i just know that i need a plan. Maybe we can work something out on Thursday. On the other hand i might get there and the psychologist and my boyfriend are best buddies and they both end up telling me that iam just tooooooo sensitive.

Lets wait and see what happens

If you dont mind, i will all let you know how it went.

Thanks for listening, carinara

[yogini]

Carinara,

Are you able to get counseling for yourself? Maybe a counselor can help you work though issues about your illness and your boyfriend. A professional can help you not only with your decision, but also working through any reason/pattern that you may have for being in abusive relationships. I hope everything works out for the best. Hang in there.

[pat57]

It has been my experience that, being nice is to regain control and is manipulation. Going to the neuro the councilor and "agreeing" with you would also be to manipulate. Strictly in my experience- that is.

I do agree there are cultural differences with Turkish men. (I work with a few. ) As I put in my first reply, you need to join a support group. If you are like me the change comes from the inside - first you change, then you find a way to make changes. By no means should you condemn yourself for not being

more decisive, or for choosing whom you have chosen. Again, if you are like me, you will learn and grow and understand- down the road.

We all want to bypass the painful parts of our journeys. It doesn't work that way.

good luck, please remember I'm drawing on my experience, it may not apply to you.

[sheba]

I am in full tears becaused I lived this, I had to just now walk away from my computer because it touched some neves. I will have u in my prayers and your boyfriend to. I know how it feels to want to leave but to be scared u won't have anyone to help u. You have found a comfort zone with having someone weather he is bad or good. First let my start by saying find a comfort zone with Christ. Second learn to laugh inside and even ignore what he says negative about u and say to your self that what u have is for real and he does not have to believe u but we do. Third and lastly but not least trust God and know him pray to him and rebuke the enemy from attacking your house hold. Keep your head and stand up for your self.