How Much Do We Have To Put Up With?

[carinara]

My partner is a very difficult person to live with. He gets in terrible moods from time to time and never stops to pick on my daughter and me. I try to avoid arguments because they really make me feel bad healthwise. Today he is in a very bad mood again. Defending my daughter and me cost me so much energy. I was so much looking forward to this weekend because the working week (i work 28 hours a week) whilest my daughter is in school (she is 11) cost me a lot of energy. I adjusted my life to POTS as good as i can trying to raise up my child in a good way and manage my job. After many years with severe health problems my partner slowly took over some of the things i used to do, like going shopping, driving my daughter to her appointments, walking with the dog....

and so on. Iam very glad and thankfull for that help, because i feel really bad at times and i couldnt do it on my own. But when his moods swings over again i feel as if iam a prisoner in my own home because i cant walk away. I would love to just leave the house when he gets like that, but my body doesnt allow me to. I tried all that before, i didnt get far because of the symptoms.

Just today, i realized again, how i dont want somebody who treats me that bad. Its so unfair. I tried everything to understand or talk with him. Its impossible! I know, that if i was healthy i wouldnt put up with it, i would just walk away or tell him to live somewhere else. I wouldnt Be so helpless! But on the other side, if i didnt have a partner, i couldnt manage the daily chores. I have a very loving family (parents, sister..) who help me as well in during the week. (like making meals for my daughter in her lunchbreak and driving her to different places) whilest iam still at work. I know i can always turn to them if i have problems but i feel they allready do so much to help. I dont want to worry them! I feel so frustratet. Before i got sick, i would have never let somebody treat me like that, i would have stood up for myself and would let all my anger and dissapointment get out. Now, i still say my opinion and fight against wrongfulness but afterwards i feel real symtomatic like now. All i can do now is lay down and wait until my body is in balance again! I went trough so much in my life already, i am quiet happy with my life at the moment healthwise. One year ago i was so bad that i was bedridden because i couldnt stand up. Iam thankfull that my body got more in balance again and that i found a lot of adjustments that help me. I thank god every day for it.I dont want to spend any times on stupid arguments but like i said, arguing seems to be my partners hobbie. Any tipps on what i can do if i cant run away? With how much do I have to put up with?

(by the way now he is trying to be nice again whilest iam laying down being sick) instead of having a nice relaxing saturday i Now have to recover from all that tension.

Sorry about being very personal, i didnt want to write about it in here at first, but then i thought if somebody understands then you guys. (because everybody else just tells me to walk away) I WISH I COULD

Carinara

[MightyMouse]

carinara, if it were me, I'd rather be happy and calm alone than deal with the stress of a difficult relationship.

I'm not saying to walk away, but maybe walk to him and tell him that you don't have the energy for such arguments. Perhaps a preemptive discussion with him about how draining those arguments are on your already ill body.

I know, for me, I sometime don't feel entitled to discuss those difficult things b/c I feel like I don't fully contribute to our household as much as my partner does. But, I know it's really helped to air those issues together. My partner has helped me feel less guilty about not being able to do housework, errands, etc.

Do what's right for you and your daughter; no one can tell you what "right" is for you, you have to decide that for yourself.

[Ernie]

Hi,

How about going in the bedroom as soon as he start being in a bad mood and locking the door!

[momofsara]

Carinara--I'm so sorry you are dealing with this additional stress. Its hard enough coping with the problems of being sick, but having your partner acting this way is even worse. My daughter had the same problem with her 1st husband and now the 2nd husband is doing the same thing. Guess kind compasionate people are few and far between. I have no easy answers for you, just my best thoughts and prayers for a solution for you. I'm glad your family is supportive and you have them to rely on. Best to you and your daughter.....Susan

[Megan]

Praying that you find an answer that is right for you.

And while I know you're sick of being told to leave and don't want to worry your family, my guess is that they want you to be happy. As much as POTS takes over our lives, I hope that you can find a bit of your old self and not take the awfulness. Being stressed like that will only make things worse!

Meg

[Kitsakatsa]

Can you move in with your family? I would ask my daughter what she is feeling. Maybe her feelings are yours but 10 fold. You have some benefit to staying, but some drawbacks. I would base everything on your daughter and how she is feeling. She is not only dealing with that drama, but worrying about you being sick. She is 11. She can do chores. Maybe she would rather do those than deal with the drama. If you are wanting to run away, what is the effect on her. I think its time for a heart to heart while he is away. If you are strong enough to emotionally deal with pots- you are strong enough to make some tough decisions.

Best of prayers,

Kits

[HoudiniCat]

When this happens to me, I try as hard as I can to walk away from a big, stressful argument (with my partner, friends, family, co-workers, etc.) as I know I will have to pay the consequences for it later. How frustrating ? my pre-POTS self would never have backed down like this. My body is also more in balance now than last year and I hope and pray that I will continue to get better. And when I do ? watch out ? no more backing down. For now, a nice little fantasy about what I will say/do when an argument starts. Taking care of my body is priority #1 right now.

It sounds like you have a loving and supportive family who you could turn to if need be and I doubt that they would feel imposed upon to see you and your daughter happy.

What can you do if you can?t leave ? go into another room and watch tv, go outside, go for a drive to clear your head, read a book or magazine, listen to some relaxing music, phone a friend, meditate, pray ? whatever you can think of to stay calm and take care of your body. I know that?s easier said than done. Wishing you peace and good health.

[Mary P]

Hi Carinara,

I can't even begin to understand the added stress your partner brings to your life. We all know that POTS is already more than enough.

I can't remember what everyone wrote but what you endure is a form of abuse, and I'm sure your family/friends would help in every way possible if they knew the full extent of this. The roller coaster ride of your partner's moods are stressful and therefore destructive as well.

I rely totally on friends and a son to give all the help I need and they're more than willing to do and do for me. They know I'd do the same for them. I'll bet your family and friends would want to do everything possible to make things better for you.

I also agree that you need to talk with your daughter. Watching you suffer will surely impact negatively on her school life, social life, etc. So your partner is also abusing your daughter. We know that a child who watches a parent suffer abuse may one day allow a man to abuse her because she may think it's normal to live this way.

Can you turn to a pastor for help? I feel very strongly that somehow, someway, you have to remove yourself from this abuse. If you can't see how this can be accomplished, an honest heart-to-heart talk with family and friends will surely help you realize what you and must do for yourself and your daughter. She must be in much pain.

I pray that you'll find the answer as to how to bring this abuse to an end and a.s.a.p. You need to be able to live in peace with your daughter.

Mary P

[delphicdragon]

When this happens to me, I try as hard as I can to walk away from a big, stressful argument (with my partner, friends, family, co-workers, etc.) as I know I will have to pay the consequences for it later. How frustrating ? my pre-POTS self would never have backed down like this.

I agree with HoudiniCat. Carinara - Our bodies don't like stress. I've been having a feud with my roommate over his buying of a dog. Something fell in his room when no one was home and he called the police saying I did it (because I didn't want the dog there as it causes severe allergic reactions??? (and I with all my joint problems was able to pull a shelf full of DVDs off a wall???)). He then went into my room and tossed everything in my trashcan all over the room and threw all my fruitsnacks (so bad for me, yet so good) all over as well. The guy's a nutjob, but I'm the one having horrible POTS crashes (chest pain, seizures, rapid heartrate, trouble breathing, etc), especially when the police called to find out where I was so they could arrest me! (Thankfully they heard my side of the story, and I have receipts that prove I was 20 mins away when this happened). I'm moving out as soon as possible to eliminate the stress before I wind up in the hospital due to his jerkiness (understatement of the year, can't type what I really want to call him).

Get out of the situation if it's making you sick. Took me way too many years of being sick to realize that.

Sara

BEST WISHES!!!

[masumeh]

Wow. My heart goes out to you. It's obviously a difficult situation. Yes, that would feel like being trapped, imprisoned in circumstances. Maybe your efforts should be focused on how you might turn the situation to your benefit. I mean, it is not always possible or even in your advantage to leave or divorce. Since you have a child together, you have obligations to her, to provide and care for her. THat might not be possible alone. But you must never let your husband know that you are depending on him....that gives him a green light to take advantage of you, step on you, etc. Like, you have to make him feel that you WOULD leave, if he went too far. Otherwise, what will stop him? Maybe if you went to your family's home for a few days, after making it clear to your husband that his behavior is totally unacceptable. Then make a condition that you will return home ONLY if he concedes to attend family therapy with you. A therapist can work with you and your husband to break the cycle of criticism and verbal abuse that you seem to be locked into. You know, it is obvious from his "chipping in" and caregiving that he does love both you and your daughter. So that means that there is something in the relationship worth salvaging. Also, if he is the biological father of your daughter, then he will always be a part of your life, even if you divorce; and that means that you need to be able to work together without arguing.

My father was always very critical and verbally abusive. He had a cycle: Verbal Abuse (I mean sever, like one time I was late for high school, and he told me, "It's an insult to have you as a daughter"); Reconciliation (like acting nice and saying, "I don't know why we aren't better friends"); Extreme Praise (like, "You are the best daughter in the world. I wish I had ten of you"); then Verbal Abuse and it all goes over and over in that order again and again. When I realized his cycle (as a late teen), I was able to cut through it. When he hit the Extreme Praise stage, I would do a lot of housework, cleaning, vaccuuming, etc. Then he would be too embarassed and pleased with me to insult me. Once the cycle was broken for about 9 months, it never started again. But he other problems. He was very controlling, and that got worse when the insults stopped. It was like, he just couldn't be at peace. He just had to be devilish or something. But I think it's because he is deeply afraid of loving people, and always pushing them away and trying desperately to make them stay exremely close at the same time. I think it's because he lost his mother when he was like 10 yrs old. Anyways, he really benefited YEARS later from psychotherapy. My dad is now over 60, and I can confidently say he is the most sane and normal in behavior that I have ever known him.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say with this anecdote is that your daughter is also going to suffer from your husband's problem if he doesn't change. You can help him change by: not accepting the problem; and coercing him to accept therapy with a good family counselor.

In the mean time, you might want to try to keep your independence, financially and so forth, as much as you can in case he is not able to commit to change.