deucykub

Waiting has got to be the worst part. I feel for you! You are very wise to not mention anything about reasonable accommodations at the start. It tends to make visions of lawsuits dance in the heads of the narrow-minded. Be confident that the law is on your side, and you and your right to work are protected. There are lots of ideas that could help you work, and showing a willingness to accept anything that works would probably be to your advantage. Of course, this is not legal advice, just a friend from far away who has been through the system. One thing you might not have considered is working from a reclining chair in the office. For many of us POTSies, that helps our bodies last through the day by relieving the gravitational stress on blood flow. The most important thing I can stress is "bite the bullet" and just talk with an attorney. I didn't think I had the money to early in my process, but looking back, I would have much rather lost $300 on a consultation (if it wasn't free, and even if it meant paying a few bills late) than the $80,000+ that I've lost now. An attorney can offer you advice on the best way to talk to your employer/HR rep and will probably set your mind at ease, too.

Hi, Cat Lady: I'm not sure about FMLA but Reasonable Accommodations require no vested time. In fact, an employer is required to provide them even to those interviewing for a job. There is protection for you under Reasonable Accommodations, and most employers will try to comply to avoid lawsuits (if not out of the goodness of their heart ). Did HR request the meeting because you used 1/2 your paid leave, or did you request the meeting? If HR requested the meeting, that might give you some insight to their position. EDIT: Adding Equal Employment Opportunity Commission's (EEOC) definition of "Reasonable Accommodation:" Reasonable accommodation is any change or adjustment to a job or work environment that permits a qualified applicant or employee with a disability to participate in the job application process, to perform the essential functions of a job, or to enjoy benefits and privileges of employment equal to those enjoyed by employees without disabilities. For example, reasonable accommodation may include: - providing or modifying equipment or devices, - job restructuring, - part-time or modified work schedules, - reassignment to a vacant position, - adjusting or modifying examinations, training materials, or policies, - providing readers and interpreters, and - making the workplace readily accessible to and usable by people with disabilities. An employer is required to provide a reasonable accommodation to a qualified applicant or employee with a disability unless the employer can show that the accommodation would be an undue hardship -- that is, that it would require significant difficulty or expense. ALSO - EEOC Guidance on Reasonable Accommodations: http://www.eeoc.gov/policy/docs/accommodation.html

Hi, Cat Lady: I have been right where you are now, and it is terrifying. I truly hope you are able to work out a reasonable plan with your employer. I asked for accommodations back in July 2006, ended up in a 20 month battle, and was just forced out in a disability retirement (at 33 years old). Most people are probably willing to help; unfortunately, my supervisor was inflexible and unempathetic, and she had no problem with breaking laws. I'm now in a lawsuit with my employer (the federal government) for over $80,000 in back pay because they blocked my access to the workplace. Mine is truly a worst case scenario, and the chances of something like that happening are really slim. If, however, you sense any red flags in your conversation tomorrow, get an attorney ASAP. My case would have gone much better had I involved an attorney sooner (I waited 10 months). There is a lot of really good information on the FMLA and reasonable accommodations in this thread: http://dinet.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=8579&hl= The best piece of advice I can give is be very careful disclosing information about your medical condition. If you seem too ill, they can claim your are incapable of performing the "essential functions of your position" which makes you unqualified for the job. I am wishing the very best for you in your talk with HR.

I'm not sure if I have an odd pattern of sweat, but I do sweat terribly now when I am upright either sitting or standing for too long, typically along my mid to lower back. This is usually combined with my feeling pretty overheated. Ahhh... dysautonomia, what new symptom will you give me tomorrow?

Hi, all: It's been a while since I've posted. Life has been busy, fighting work, but my fight has fallen through. I'm not working now and have been approved for a disability retirement. (Although, I'm looking for new work already...) Just a quick tip for any one who's interested. An inexpensive and low-calorie alternative to Gatorade is mixing a low-calorie mix (I use Crystal Light or the store brand equivalent) with table salt. I started with a 1/2 teaspoon of salt in 64 oz of Crystal Light (Raspberry Ice and Fruit Punch cover the sodium nicely, lighter flavors, not so much). I'm now up to 1 teaspoon in 64 oz., and it tastes bland to me without the salt. I'd work up slowly though... normal folks find my 1 tsp concoction, "awful." Benefits: Gatorade 64 oz: 400 calories, 880 mg sodium Crystal Light brew 64 oz: 40 calories, 1150 mg sodim (1/2 tsp) or 2300 mg sodium (1 tsp) $$$ - Crystal Light is about $4 for a package of 4 tubs, each making 64 oz, so only about $1.00 (US) a day - 1/2 to 1/3 the price of Gatorade Just thought I'd share. Warm, healing wishes to you all!

As others have said, the HR can definitely be variable. Also, though, it may increase over time, too. Mine used to jump up right on standing to around 140 and then continue climbing to around 170. Now, it increases more slowly over time more frequently than a big initial jump. It might be about 80 resting, then 100 standing, but as I take my pulse over 10 minutes (or as long as I can stay standing), it steadily increases. At about 5 minutes in, my pulse has usually exceeded 120 or the greater than 30 bpm criteria.

Hi, Angela: Hang in there! It is so frustrating to not only have a chronic illness but to have it flare after the smallest things. I've found that my relapses do not take nearly as long to subside as it took for me to reach the level of functionality that I am at now. Sometimes a bump in meds can help, too. For example, I had a really bad relapse in July, last year, and my doctor increased my Florinef from .2 to .3 mg. After a month, I dropped back down. It seemed to help me recover much faster. I see you are on Florinef, so it might be worth discussing with your doctor. Take care of yourself, get lots of rest, and listen to your body. You'll bounce back!

I've been diagnosed with IBS by my primary care physician, but I think my doctor labelled it that because she's not sure what it really is. I don't really experience any pain. My worst symptom is "break-through diarrhea." Although, it's not really that. It's a clear, foamy liquid, and I am completely constipated, bloated, and my GI tract is making obnoxious, embarrassing noises at the same time. It occurs within 5 minutes of my eating a triggering food, but I have not determined what specifically triggers it yet. My hunch is it is a type of sugar and/or preservative. It's uncontrollable and if I can't get to a rest room fast enough... I have episodes after eating lots of different types of food, some of which are triscuits, potato/corm chips, ice cream, oranges, fried foods from Wendy's fast food, and cake from grocery store bakeries. Wierd, huh?

Hi, Bluesky: Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult and trying stage of your life right now. You are not alone. Just to clarify on the TTT results for a diagnosis of POTS... The medical sign that indicates a positive TTT for POTS is an increase of HR greater than 30 beats per minute or to 120 or more beats per minute. Blood pressure can go up, down, or remain basically the same. You may or may not faint (according to the research, only about 30% of POTS diagnosees faint). I don't faint. Only if your heart rate changes according to the diagnostic standards is it a positive result for POTS. I recommend being armed with that information at your TTT because many doctors seem to misinterpret TTT results when the patient either does not faint or does not demonstrate changes in blood pressure. If you are concerned about a fluke negative TTT, the best bet is to keep your own records by doing a poor-man's tilt test at home daily (it sounds like you are already starting to do this). To give the doctors the best information, take your pulse at rest, then stand and take your pulse, and then take it while standing every minute or two for 10 minutes - or as long as you can stay upright. (If you have a BP cuff, it's good to keep those numbers, too. A drop in BP can be indicative of a different type of dysautonomia) I hope you start to see some better days soon.

Hi, Endure: I also had an aversion to trying any (more) anti-depressants. Since being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (before POTS) in 1992, my doctors had put me on all kinds of anti-depressants for pain control. The first one I tried was Elavil (Amitriptyline), and it didn't work well for me. A long list of tricylics and SSRIs followed with little to no success with the side-effects outweighing any benefits. After experiencing severe withdrawal from Effexor (SNRI - selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor), I swore that I would never try an anti-depressant again. I got really sick in 2005 and sought a new specialist, and he recommended Cymbalta (another SNRI) for the debilitating pain. I refused. After a month of the pain getting worse, I saw the doctor again, and he again recommended Cymbalta. The pain was so bad that it became worth the risk, so I gave it a shot. Long story short, it worked! I am nearly pain free after 13 years of almost constant pain. The SNRI seems to help my POTS, too. When I am off it (e.g. for research), all of my symptoms are worse. Rather than discount all anti-depressants, you might try negotiating a different option with your doctor if you are not comfortable with Amitriptyline... Take care!

Hi, I just wanted to make sure something wasn't getting lost in translation... Are you looking for treatments that aren't the usual prescriptions by medical doctors (like herbs, roots, eastern medicine), or are you looking for medicines prescribed by doctors other than the ones you take? I'm really not familiar with alternative medicines for POTS (like herb,s roots, or eastern medicine). Your list doesn't show Florinef or Midodrine. Have you tried either of those? Great job spreading the word about POTS in Spanish!

I have never weaned off of Cymbalta, but I did come completely off Effexor years ago. I completely forgot the term "brain shivers," and your post just reminded me about how awful that withdrawal was!!! I think I had symptoms of withdrawal for about a month coming off of the Effexor. I went cold-turkey though (not recommended ).

Hi, Tobel: Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you have POTS, but you are among friends now. Over time with this illness, I think the key thing you learn is to pay more attention to how you feel than what the numbers (BP/Heart Rate) show. There doesn't seem to be a lot of correlation between the two. One day your BP could be normal, and you feel awful. The next day it could be low, and you feel great -- or vice versa! The same is true with your heart rate, too. If your symptoms start to diminish, then you know that midodrine is helping you. For me, it didn't affect my symptoms but gave me migraine-type headaches (the kind where you crawl in bed, under the covers, with the lights off). However, a lot of people with POTS have great success with midodrine! If the improvements you feel outweigh any negative side effects, then the balance is tipped the right way, and it is probably a good drug for you. The chills feel weird but are normal with midodrine, particularly the tingly ones on the top of your scalp. They are pretty easy to get used to after a while. What was that old "Head and Shoulders" commercial? It tingles because it's working?

We have all run into the bad doctors that have ruined our day, or week, or month, or year, and those are the stories that we most often share because we're frustrated and feel alone. But how about the good doctors? The ones who have gone that extra mile or who are always there for you... They are few and far between and such a rare and precious find! They deserve a few hurrahs. So, here is a place to share your story about the superb doctors who have made a difference in your life. I'll start the thread out with a toast to my Occupational Physician. I don't see him any more because my disease, POTS, turned out to not be environmental, but I was referred to him because of my shortness of breath. I saw him a few times, and my tests for asthma weren't that bad. I had asthma, but it wasn't severe enough to justify the shortness of breath I was experiencing. He was always compassionate and listened to me. He believed me even though the tests weren't showing him what was wrong. Because of his compassion and listening skills, he made me feel comfortable and free to really talk about what was going on with my health. So during one appointment, I told him, "You are the doctor who listens to me the most, so I'm going to lay everything out for you. This doesn't seem like just asthma. My symptoms are worse than coworkers who have asthma." And then, I told him every single symptom I had noticed. I talked about my hands and feet changing color, how I was short of breath just getting up to pour a bowl of cereal, how a pulse-ox test showed my heartrate at 120 after walking about 20 feet... and on and on I went. Right then and there, he did an incredibly thorough examination of me from head to toe. He was the first doctor to not say "gotta be Raynaud's" when I told him about my feet and hands. He actually looked at my feet, checked my pulse there (it was weak), and tested the capillary refill time, and found them to all be abnormal. When he pushed on the tops of my feet, it took around 6 seconds for the color to return. It was supposed to only take 2 seconds. My heart rate was about 120 just sitting for the examination. He sent me out for all kinds of tests - pulmonological, cardiac and rheumatological, which came back as moderate asthma, tachycardia, no cardiac abnormalities. He found that I was positive for an indicator of autoimmune disease (positive ANA titer), but a rheumatologist ruled out lupus and other autoimmune disorders. He kept looking and researching. At my next appointment, he said I think you have something called POTS, and I want to run some EKGs. He had printed out about 100 pages of research on POTS and gave me a brief overview. He didn't have the right equipment for a tilt table test, but bless his heart, he did three EKGs (it took a few hours to get the three to read properly), lying, sitting, and standing - not an easy task without a tilt table! I was holding on to the leads for the EKG so that they wouldn't fall off when I changed positions! He also took my blood pressure in the three positions. The results were abnormal, a POTS diagnosis was tentatively made, and I went to an autonomic neurologist who did a formal tilt table test and made a diagnosis. POTS was way out of this doctor's field of practice, and he could have simply said, your illness is not environment and passed me along to the next doctor. He didn't, though. He went out of his way to give me an answer and get me to the right people for treatment. So, to this doctor, and to all the doctors who go the extra mile and truly care about their patients (INCLUDING YOU DOCTORGUEST ), I say a great, big THANK YOU! What good experiences have you had?

Boy, you're not kidding. I've never been trapped in this much red tape. Heck, it's easier to arrange shipments of weapons out on the field than it is for these people to accommodate me. I'm just sick over all of this. Literally. My stress level is so high today that my POTS spinning out of control. My poor husband tried to take me out to breakfast to get me out of the house and cheer me up. That didn't work out well. Now he's stressed, too, because all I could think about and talk about was this. They still haven't allowed me back to work. The "EEO" Office (in quotes, because they have to be the most discriminatory, god-awful, management-protecting people I have ever met) is trying to demote me for reassignment (in a position that is available at my grade). Even if they grant that, they still haven't said if they would actually accommodate me in that position (I've asked... dead silence in return). I don't know how I am going to pay the bills next month. Collection agencies are starting to send me letters. I had to borrow against my TSP/401K, and now I can't pay that back, so they are threatening to tax me. I feel so alone and helpless. It doesn't matter what I say or do or how much I literally beg - no one will help. Lois, you were so lucky to have people that cared about you in your office. If they don't want to help, it is a horrible, sickening battle. I always went out of my way to help everyone in the office. You'd think that would mean something, but it doesn't. I'm losing my faith in humanity. Sorry to post such a depressing message. I've been buried in legal documentation for the past two weeks. The situation is officially under investigation by the Dept. of Defense now, but even so, if they don't want to help me, I probably won't see any relief for years. I don't understand how any one could treat a person so deplorably. EDIT: Oops, I forgot to answer your questions. My doctors have written a ton of letters, including a 6-page letter written with my attorney explaining everything in vivid detail. Even Dr. Freeman, an authority in POTS from Harvard University, has written a letter to work saying I could work with accommodations. They just ignore everything I submit and have found this doctor with no knowledge of POTS to say I am completely disabled. I've suggested several different plans of how they could accommodate my illness, but they just deny everything I suggest, saying Dr. so and so has determined you are "unable to perform the essential functions of your position with or without accommodation; therefore, you are not eligible for accommodations under the Americans with Disabilities Act." Then they pulled everything, literally everything out from under me that was helping me work, including the flexible schedule that everyone else in the office has!

Hi, dsdmom: I've been on both. Effexor was simply terrible. It was prescribed to me for Fibromyalgia, did nothing to stop the pain, and the withdrawal was horrific. My experience with Effexor was so bad that I refused to take any other form of SSRI or SNRI. Thank goodness my rheumatologist talked me into Cymbalta. It is my miracle drug!!! It has practically eliminated my neuropathic pain, which was debilitating. I don't have any major side effects. If I forget to take Cymbalta, I get really bad night sweats, not fun but do-able. I take 60 mg every morning. My script is actually for 60 mg twice daily, but I found that the one pill was enough for me. My doctor ramped my dosage up, giving me sample pills of smaller doses. If I recall correctly, he started me on 30 mg in the morning, then went to 30 mg twice daily, 60 and 30, then 60 and 60. I think it is well worth giving Cymbalta a try. In fact, I think my being on this before having POTS may have masked POTS for a while and probably helps with my POTS almost by accident. Good luck!

Thank you again for all of your replies. Following the holidays, my fighting spirit is back, and I'm trying every angle I can at work to keep my job, including appealing to our director, asking for reassignment, and continuing with my complaint of unlawful discrimination. Amy, thank you for your suggestion! It wasn't obvious at all for me. I'll have to look into what I'm "allowed" to do as a federal employee, but it did not occur to me that our congresspersons had constituent service representatives. That may be a viable, productive option. Thank you! Tearose, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I am hoping that if this all falls through that the window God opens will lead to an even better opportunity. After fighting for a year and half, though, it all feels a little hopeless right now. I'm almost afraid to hope because my hopes have been dashed so often! Heck, I'm even turning superstitious about the new year. For the past two years, I've been saying "THIS year is going to be better." Then, it gets worse. So this year I'm saying "This year is going to be just as bad," hoping that maybe that'll do the trick. ha ha (sort of...) Happy New Year to you all!!!

Thank you everyone for your kind responses and your prayers. And Morgan, thank you for the smile. I can just picture those lightning bolts, and I really needed a smile! I didn't specify the action I've been taking. Our EEO office is playing the CYA game for management. I went to them in August of last year. In April, when my supervisor threatened to fire me, I found an attorney who is wondeful and my only life ring in a very turbulent ocean! I work for the federal government, so the red tape just gets more complicated. The Department of Defense is investigating my EEO complaint of illegal discrimination, and I have an onsite interview with the investigator on January 11. I've spent the last two days writing an affidavit that has just gone past the 25th page with lots more to go. A lot can happen in 18 months, and in my case, it was all pretty bad. My attorney doesn't think my employers actions will hold up under the scrutiny of an EEO judge. I never imagined that I would be in a lawsuit against my employer. I'm not the type! But when a year's salary was lost, I really had no choice. I couldn't bear to swallow that much injustice. I've mellowed out a bit since last night. I'm kind of in that numb place, not smiling and not crying. Rachel, I was thinking exactly the same thoughts. Disability is such a hard and demoralizing choice to make, and then, the government makes it even more depressing by denying practically all initial applications. I'm doing everything I can to stay off of disability, and that very same government that won't approve disability is trying to force me into it. It just boggles the mind how truly backwards the system is! I've appealed my supervisor's denial to my Director (who is the head of our branch of the agency), but I'm not optimistic. I also asked for reassignment to a different job at the same level from the EEO office who is coordinating with HR. I knew this might happen, so I already have my disability paperwork complete and filed for SSDI. Looks like I might be getting an extended, forced vacation... I suppose I could use one.

Well, tonight has not been the greatest night. Those of you who have been following the saga of my fight to get accommodations to work know that this has been going on for a long time - officially 18 months now. My employer denied accommodations for just long enough to get medical support for their denial. Even though the majority of their reasons have been discriminatory and often fabricated. Here's part of the letter of the doctor who has never met me, who contradicts my doctors (who know me, and one of whom is an expert autonomic neurologist). Both of my doctors said that I am capable of working and fulfilling all the duties of my position. My agency also keeps telling him that they have provided accommodations, but he is unaware that my doctors repeatedly supported my claims that they were inadequate (employers are required by law to provide adequate accommodations for employees with disabilities). So here's his wonderful prose: "Based on the additional information, I am unable to change my opinion on the case. Although, Ms. --- demonstrates a great eagerness to return to work, the previous medical information and her attendance record when she was previously accommodated indicate that the unpredictability, frequency, and severity of her symptoms would make it impossible for her to accomplish the functions of a job that entailed strict deadlines, attendance at scheduled meetings, and extensive computer work. It is still my opinion that the best resolution would be for Ms. --- to take a disability retirement with the hope of rejoining the workforce when her symptoms improve." !@#$#$%@%^#%^& [start of Rant] How dare all of these people who have no idea what I am capable of tell me what I can or cannot do!!!! I'm so angry and sad. My life is continuing to spiral out of my own control, and these discriminating creeps are going to force me into disability. All I have (had) is my work. I've spent years becoming the professional that I am, and spent tens of thousands on an advanced degree, for me to what, now? Everyone in management at my office is supporting my supervisor who has been making decisions based on the fact that she doesn't like me and frankly is probably threatened by me. The first thing she said when I started this job was people aren't going to like you because you're starting up higher, and they've had to work their way up. Well, surprise! It turns out she was talking about herself. She has always resented me, and she has no idea what I have been through to get this job. I worked my way up, too, just in a different way outside of this employer. She should be fired and hung out to dry, not me. I've never actually hated anyone, but I'm starting to despise her, and I don't like the person that makes me. I've never met anyone in my life who was so biased as she is against me and my disabilities. All she had to do when I first asked was change my schedule to a flexible schedule and let me telework when I'm sick. These privileges are granted to anyone else in the agency... even the healthy people. So simple, but here I am 18 months later, broke, with downward spiraling credit, short one year's salary, and denied access to work. Unbelievable... absolutely unbelievable. I appreciate you letting me rant and rave here, otherwise I think I would literally, physically explode. This is going to be great for my POTS, ha ha. What a pitsy day.

You are most welcome. Your son is one lucky young man to have a Mom like you! (Be sure to tell him that every day... hee hee).

Just wanted to thank you for all of your hard work updating and fixing the server. You are so great to volunteer your time to this site!!!!!

Hi, Lenna: You are such a thoughtful Mom to become so involved in learning and researching about your son's illness. I can't imagine what it is like to have a child facing chronic illness, but I know exactly what it is like to be a child with a chronic illness. I've struggled with illness on and off since I was about 10 and have been chronically ill since the age of 17. Is your son showing signs of depression or S.A.D.? If so, then looking into light therapy might be a good way to go; although, I am not familiar with any research associating that particular therapy with POTS. However, one of the most frustrating parts of having a chronic illness is being reminded that we (those diagnosed with a chronic illness) are sick. Day in and day out little things remind us that we just can't do what we used to do as we deal with the impact illness has on our lives. Many of those things we can't control (like tiring more quickly when we're out and about or needing medication). Because of that, it's important to us to keep control over the areas where we can actually feel "normal." Extra therapies, unless proven helpful for a specific condition, can really pile on and become intrusive as a reminder that we're not normal. What I would suggest is, unless your son is showing specific symptoms of depression or S.A.D., allow him to retain control in this area of his life by not pressuring him to change his routine to include light therapy. In the mean time, absolutely open up all the blinds and drapes in your home and keep it well lit. Personally, I am always in a better mood in a bright area than when I'm sitting in the dark (my Grandmother was right on that one!). It is so incredibly difficult to know what choices we need to make to keep the illness in check. When should we push through the symptoms? When should we accept that a particular part of our life must be altered? Which medications and therapies are best? It's a conundrum to dysautonomia specialists, let alone to the layperson diagnosee! But it is so important to retain our ability to choose. It gives us some semblance of control over our own lives. I think one of the best things you could possibly do for your son is empower him by allowing him to decide (with your guidance and life experience) what works best for him. Keep up the good fight! You are an amazing woman to be so supportive and encouraging to your son through such a trying time.

Hi, Momdi: I have just recently started swimming for exercise, recommended by my dysautonomia doctor. It's a horizontal exercise and the water helps negate the gravitational pull that causes blood pooling. Of course, this is not recommended for fainters. This is the first exercise I've been able to do with any regularity. I also walk in the pool to try and build up my resistance to standing. I can exercise at a moderate pace for about 30 minutes, with less after-effects than I've had with any other exercise. If your son doesn't faint, it's worth a try. My local health club provided a trial membership so that I could test out swimming first. Now that I've joined, they have also told me if at any point the swimming makes it worse, they will allow me to cancel my membership at no extra charge.

That's not good! When I participated in research, they gave me atropine by IV to study its effects on POTS. Like cardiactec said, it slows the heart down initially but then speeds it up. Don't eyedrops go directly to the bloodstream? That would increase the effects of a smaller dose. If I recall correctly, atropine "shuts off" the parasympathetic responses, which allows the sympathetic system to go into overdrive (heart races, pupils dialate, salivating stops, etc.). Either way, atropine directly interacts with the autonomic nervous system, and it would seem logical that interfering in the long term with an ANS that is already out of balance could cause long term POTS problems. Maybe one of the doctors here can clarify and correct what I wrote above... Perhaps your doctor can contact one of the research doctors that has used atropine in studies? My doctor is Dr. Roy Freeman in Boston, and his lead researcher is Dr. Istvan Bonyhay (pronounced bon-YAY). Their contact information can be found here: http://www.bidmc.harvard.edu/display.asp?leaf_id=4351. That was a serious mistake that your pharmacist made, particularly for someone with POTS! Hang in there, and I hope you feel better soon.

Hi, mkoven: I'm really glad that you went to the ER to get your symptoms checked out. It's so important not to ignore new symptoms just because we can dismiss them as dysautonomia. I got in touch with my doctor when I started experiencing chest pain that radiated into my left arm and neck. After getting it checked and confirming the EKG was okay, now I just live with it. It must have been pretty scary for the doctor to tell you he thought this was going to get progressively worse for you. How did/are you take/taking that news? Just remember that no one seems to understand this "stuff," so please try to hang on to your hope. Your upcoming visit with family sounds like it will be a great way to spend the holidays - even if your body will pay the price. It really... well, the only word I can think of in my fog at the moment is "*****," so... ***** to have your family see a crash. I hate having loved ones see me like that. But I'm sure they will understand and help you take care of yourself. Some people get true joy out of helping others, and if you have one or two of those in your family, then just let them and repay the favor some day when you can. I hope that made sense, lol, my brain's switch seems to be stuck in the "off" position! Edit: hmm, that wasn't a swear word, but I guess the board edited it out. I guess you can use your imagination.