Issues With Spouse

[TamaraLJ]

Hi everyone,

I guess I need some advice. I was diagnosed with POTS not quite two months ago, and the diagnosis explained so many symptoms that I've had for a long time, the main one being exercise intolerance. My POTS is somewhat "mild" in that I don't get dizziness or BP issues unless I get severely dehydrated or I'm out in the heat for a while. My cardiologist told me that exercise will be my best relief but to take it very easy and slow.

My issue is more with my husband than with the POTS. I am currently overweight which is a huge issue for him. So the thought of taking anything slow in the process of exercise doesn't sit well with him. There are days when he tries to go with the flow and other days where he feels the need to give me exercise/diet advice and say that I could be doing more exercise than what I'm doing (30 mins/day). The constant criticism over my body and what I am or am not doing is really taking a toll. Part of me thinks I would be better off alone just so that I wouldn't have all of this negative energy around me. He uses my POTS diagnosis as an excuse when he doesn't want to leave the house ("you can only do things half way so why do them at all"), and complains about all he could be doing if I was healthy. Truly I'm not that bad off...I just have to take it slow due to the POTS and associated fatigue.

Does anyone else have experience with a really unsupportive spouse? He doesn't seem to have any concern whatsoever about my health. The rollercoaster ride is so draining.

[potsgirl]

Hi Rain,

I'm sorry that you're having these problems. It's so important to have as much support around you as possible. Do you belong to any clubs? Church? Do you work? Perhaps you could find a friend or two (family?) to help with some of these issues so he doesn't feel so put-upon. I know that there are many on this site that have spouses who don't have supportive husband involvement. I am very lucky in that my husband basically falls over himself to help me when I get off-balance and can hardly walk in the morning.

I have found several friends on the forum, and they really help me out with their suggestions. If you'd like to PM me, please feel free.

Cheers,

Jana

[lieze]

My husband doesn't get it either.

I have the opposite problem of being too thin.

If somebody wants to complain about a person they can find plenty to complain about so try not to take his words too personally.

I think we all need time to adjust-families included and some people require more time than others.

Try to love yourself-and do what you feel that you can do.

As far as the relationship-I think it's partially your choice and also what you can psychologically handle as far as the pressure he is putting on you.

I have found I have my breaking point with my husband and it is obvious I am not everything he would like me to be especially right now.

Good luck to you.

I hope things work out.

[GingerA]

You do not need the negative energy please listen to your body when it says to take it slow. I have had mild symptoms all of my life and I tried to "push" through them because people in my life did not believe that anything was wrong with me. As a result my body completely crashed on me a little more than a year ago. I could not even stand up long enough to take a shower. You are so lucky to have a diagnosis while your symptoms are not severe. However, you still have an imbalance that must be addressed. You are your only advocate for yourself and you should stand up for what you know is best for your body. Chances are standing up for yourself may show your husband that you are serious. He should want you to get better and pushing yourself will not help you.

[RockiesGirl]

First of all, I am so sorry that you are going through this w/o the support of your hubby. Maybe give him some of the brochures off this site to educate him. Maybe then he will better understand.

On another note, if you are exercising 30 min/day and not seeing any results, could your POTS be caused by something else? Have you always been heavy? Or did it come on a little suddenly? Before you had symptoms could you get the weight off a little more easily? Have you had your thyroid tested? Just some thoughts?

I have put on a little weight as well right after I started on the Beta-Blockers and I hated it, but with time I have learned that being able to go out on occasion and living a more normal life is worth the weight gain

Love yourself for who you are and others will love you too. Take care and write if you would like ;o)

[TamaraLJ]

Thank you to all of you for your support. I really appreciate it.

Potsgirl - I do work and it's sad but I tend to do better emotionally when I'm at work because I'm not criticized about anything. I don't really go to church anymore or have any true friends. At some point I isolated myself and I guess I need to get back out there. I'm sure a big part of my problem is that he's one of the only people in my life.

Lieze and GingerA - thanks for your words. You both have very good points.

RockiesGirl - I haven't always been heavy. It first started when we got married (11 years ago) and my husband was quite overweight himself. Since then I've been up and down between 50 lbs or so. Based on symptoms alone I think I've had POTS since I was 12 and just didn't know it, so it's been quite a while. I have had lots of bloodwork and it all came back normal. I haven't been doing the 30 mins a day routine very long, at least not at a lower heart rate level. Before that I was doing a boot camp exercise program for 4 months which wasn't working at all because my heart rate was near the max all the time, and that's how I was referred to the cardiologist and got my diagnosis. I'm hoping that this new, slower pace of exercise will help. It has in the past, but it just takes a lot longer. But I appreciate your questions. My aunt is a PA and is also concerned that I could have something else underlying this so she is researching that.

Thank you all again. I see that this is a great place for support.

[TamaraLJ]

Also I forgot to add that last night my husband said that criticism should cause a person to become a perfectionist in whatever they are being criticized about. I told him that if he really believes that then our relationship will not work. (We are in counseling and this will definitely be the next topic).

[lieze]

Yeah Rain I get that.

My husband definitely displays narcissistic traits where he needs us to all be a certain way for him to feel like his life is complete.

How can I say this the nicest way?

I think it can be quite impossible to change a person's mentality unless they want to change and are able too.

Especially with a limiting condition you'll just have to decide if you can be happy and healthy with your particular situation.

I wish you the best I really do.

[yogini]

Sorry you have to deal with this. I think 30 mins of exercise a day is a lot for someone with POTS and probably few POTS patients could handle that. Don't let your husband's focus on your weight affect your decision whether to exercise. It can just make your POTS worse, especially if your POTS was triggered by exercise in the first place. I am sure a POTS doctor could verify that if it would help your husband. And I am sure the counselor won't agree with his take on how criticism will help you become a perfectionist. Take care of yourself!

[Meg.Limbach]

I have gained 100 pounds in less than a year due to POTS. Luckily my husband hasnt really said too much to me about it and tries to support me, but in my own head I am beating myself up. If you are doing 30 mins a day, I APPLAUD you!!! That is way more than I can do. I sometimes feel like I would be better off battling this alone too. If you wanna talk, you can message me. I am somewhat feeling the same way girl! Big Hugs.

[sandymbme]

My (now ex) husband was HORRIBLE once I got sick. He constantly complained and criticized me for not doing enough, for being lazy, ungrateful, and being "negative". His mother told me I need to stop seeing all these doctors and wracking up all these bills for her son to pay, (Which never once happened. He did not pay a single medical bill, pay for a single co-pay or prescription.) because I needed to just accept that sometimes life just hurts. He demanded that I continue to work full time to cover my expenses, expected lavish gifts from me, and got angry at me when I had medical bills piling up that I couldn't pay. The last time I was hospitalized, he showed up at the hospital one time during my 8 day stay. He came with my checkbook, because he insisted that I had to write him a check for the car payment. One of the biggest sighs of relief I have ever made was when he said we should get a divorce.

I was committed to my marriage and desperately wanted to make it work. I am telling you right now, if he is not supportive and caring at least 90% of the time (we all have our moments when we screw up, nobody's perfect!) tell him to shape up or ship out. As hard as it was physically, financially (because of course he couldn't even help me put a $500 down payment on an apartment!) and emotionally to leave, I have never been happier in my life than when I moved into my crappy little apartment. Even though my health has continued to derail, I am so glad I am free of such a negative situation. Better yet, with time, and a good therapist, and a little luck, I was able to make room in my life for a really amazing guy, who supports me no matter what. So if he doesn't respond to counseling, I would say adios!

Sandy

[TamaraLJ]

I want to thank all of you again for sharing your stories and for encouraging me as well. Even though this is a short reply I really appreciate all that you've shared. One day at a time, right?