Holidays

[erikainorlando]

So it is Christmas..

I am doing my resting period so I can be able to socialize a little this evening with friends. I am so choked up and filled with different feelings..not sure where to turn other than you all.

Last Christmas Eve I was leaving the hospital...again. They didn't know what was wrong other than I was very ill. I couldn't stand or get around...my boyfriend at the time had left me in the hospital to go to Utah (he was scheduled to work altho I would think one could have rescheduled). I didn't have even a ride home from the hospital. It was awful. Thank God my boss had sent me a lasagna or we wouldn'thave had Christmas dinner.

It has been a tough year. Many adjustments. Sometimes I am overcome at how alone I feel...most times I just try to be grateful but Iam truley alone other than my kids. I broke up with that boyfriend who was too involved with his life to worry all that much about mine..but I still feel awful, can't believe I wasted all that time and heart on someone who would pick skiing over me and my kids in such a desperate time. I get mad and want it not to hurt anymore but it still does. My mother is so self-absorbed that she doesn't even understand how ill I have been or how hard it is over here. She is coming for Christmas...I will try to be nice. My step-mom has stopped speaking to me after getting ill...she thinks I have been overly dramatic...

So I thank God it is a different year than last....it is much better. It will be better still. It will change and is changing...I guess it is just a process of letting go. And a lesson that many times those you think will be there really are unable...people sometimes scatter when we get ill. On the flip side I have you all and my kids. I have hope and my spirit.

Merry Christmas Everyone...just wanted to get that out..my heart is heavy today

Erika

[lissy]

Hi.

Sorry about your heavy heart and I understand. Which I also hold, as I sit here alone while my kids are napping it brings tears to my eyes to make all this pain a reality. There is so much pain inside myself and This Holiday brings it to a boiling point... I miss me my confidence, my self esteem, the normalcy of life. I struggle with this illness day to day and it takes everything I have then throw in a possible cheating spouse and 2 young children to take care of 24/7 with never a moments break, no friends or family for support. I wonder all the time how can this happen to ONE person I stay numb most of the time or it would drive me insane. Holidays no longer feel like anything anymore. I look forward to my kids opening gifts but its hard for me to just fake happiness. I would call this deep depression but not from a chemical imbalance from a life imbalance. It hurts to feel so alone and it hurts to love someone that didn't love you.

You are not alone and sorry to throw in my own problems

Lissy

LOL I almost forgot Merry Xmas Everyone

[firewatcher]

I must admit to feeling blue and Grinchy myself. The Christmas Mojo is just gone for me. On the other side, I am thankful.

The best gift that I have this year is friendship, and that is no small gift!

May God grant you Peace and an inner joy that nothing can take away.

[tinkerbella]

Hang in there my friend, I was just thinking of you..... as I just had a long distance dinner with an girlfriend over the phone. She had wine and I had gatorade and we toasted to Christmas and talked and laughed. She was in a restraunt and I felt like I was hearing all the sounds in the back ground. She is locked into a marriage she hates living with ms and tonight I'm sick with the the flu and sooooo sick that I won't be seeing my family at all on Christmas.

I'm really sad and mad at the same time right now, as last year I went ito a deep depression at Christmas. My guy and I broke up 1 year eariler I just got my dx of pots. But this was a long over due breakup. He left me in an er when they thought I had a blood clot in my lungs. The rest of the story is not worth telling but, I started crying and missing him then and couldn't believe how hard it hit me. I feel it coming on again, I feel like I should just take my meds early and go to sleep so I won't think of him.

I don't really miss him. I miss being held and being loved unconditional by someone besides my dog.

Things had been fine but some christmas cards started coming to him here and I started getting mad as when I forward them they come back. It's beyond the fowarding date. I don't want anymore contact with him or any of his family. He's an over, done deal!!!!

You can email erika if you need to for more support.

As long as my eyes don't pop out of my head as the pain and pressure is that bad right now.

Take care and may we find our soul mate in the new year~

Love,

BellaMia~

[rhonda]

In a way it is nice to see that others feel the way that I do. I need to vent..... I am not doing well this Christmas either. This Christmas has been very hard because I have spent the past 2 years so sick and hopeful for the "magic pill". Only to learn that it really doesn't exist. Then everyone in the house is so happy around me, i think that they really don't notice that i am here, in bed. I live with extended family. I am such a bother to them. I guess the realization that this coming year will be the same, more health problems, more sickness, more pain, more appointments. It is really hard to face another year of the same. Maybe I am still down because I spent most of November in the hospital. My "friends" were texting me and telling me when they were going to visit me in there, and they all just never did show, still havn't heard back from them. My family wants to take me to one of the family christmas suppers. I can't sit up for that long, plus it is squished and busy talkative people can bring on severe symptoms quickly. I don't know what to do. I am supposed to just "suck it up" when i am passing out or almost passing out, with severe chest pains, tachycardia, and severe nerve pain and crying. Fun, isn't it LOL....

I am not doing well this year and dreading the day. This is the first time in my life that i dread Christmas...

Good luck to the rest of you, and Merry Christmas if you feel like it

[ladyt]

merry xmas..

hollydays can be troblesome. To day a was suposed to go to my inlaws for 1 day meal. my partner is not home. But desember have been hard . I ust stardet to gett a bitt on the pluss side. And luckly manged to go for x-mas dinner yesterday. I was invited whit to a siblings inlaws. so nice of them to include me.

Today i canseled my inlaws meal. I am really to ill. But even if i was a bitt better i wouldnt have wasted my healt on them to day. they think its ust nervs.. i am so fed up whit them not trying gett to know me.

I am really easy going and relaxed. But now i am what some people acuse me of being. tensed. My neck is tight tight. I need some emosianal relase. it use to be enouf ust to coplain a bitt and gett it out. i cant lett my inlaws go on my nervs

But they are the people i meet most. i dont know ehat to do. I gess ust ignore them. but esyer sad than done. Now i am waiting for them to return the dog. Soon i hope. i miss litle doggy. And i need some privat time. yeah I have been alone the hole day. but knoe they can be on my door steep any minute. i need i bigg cry. realse some stress. I dont whant to feel this way. i whant to be me, and they acsept me.. Jupp i belive in st.caluse

I might write a complaining sheet and burn.. And def lisen to my sad cd, angry cd, and sweet dvd..

But i dont know what to do whit my neck and back.. I usaly dont gett so stressed out. I gett rid of it before it gett so bad..

So any advice..? how realise stress from mucels..?

well have a happy x-mas every one..

[tinkerbella]

^{Merry Christmas everyone~}

may we be here for each other today. I'm writing this through tears just having an emotional purge this morning. I knew it would come sooner or later. WHY can't people around me UNDERSTAND????????? My custom made moderized wheel chair is ready to be delivered any day. I have a nurse, home maker 7 hours a week and a wonderful case manager who is now helping pull all the loose string of my life together. Taking the stress off of my family.

Yet, today I'm shouldn't be near anyone because I'm sooooooo sick but, I feel like it's a relief for them. Now no one has to drive out of their way to get me. Sorry for the little melt down, but in the past two years my health has declined so much. I struggle with what will I be like next Christmas be.

I'm not normally like this as I don't live in a fear based world, this is just a little spiral downwards today and tomorrow I'll oull my self back together again.

All the steroids they have me on to breathe are not helping the situation either.

Sorry if I sound depressing as I'm just having as off day. This too shall pass.

[janiedelite]

I'm so thankful that, like Erika, I'm functioning better than last year. My improvement is a result of getting properly diagnosed and being under a cardiologist who's willing to try anything to help me. But I had an emotional breakdown Monday. Mostly it had to do with not having any children (due to infertility, now on BC because of some of my meds being harmful if pregnant, and running into many roadblocks regarding adoption because of my physical limitations). I rarely break down and feel sorry for myself, but I did for a whole day earlier this week. It was so hard to imagine future Christmases with no kids. Thank God for my hubby, telling me I'm all he needs to be happy because I struggle with feeling guilty, as if it were my fault that my body won't allow me to get pregnant. He cheered me up enough to take me out to a really nice lunch. We both decided to act happy that day, and I think we're feeling better now... still always a little sad, but better.

I hope each of you can have some joy today, even if it's just a little bit.

[persephone]

I can't stand Christmas. It reminds me of who is NOT here. I think several folks feel the same, even without health issues.

[persephone]

I can't stand Christmas. It reminds me of who is NOT here. I think several folks feel the same, even without health issues.

[pat57]

casper,

a shower always helped my neck and shoulder tension.

[LindaJoy]

It's so funny (not funny ha, ha) that this post was here, because I, too, am feeling so heavy this Christmas. In fact, just got home from my mom's, and it was absolutely horrible. My family doesn't get along, and I usually don't go to Christmas (many years, I've been too sick or even in the hospital at Christmas), but this year, I thought things might be different. Everyone's older, maybe they'll all get along. No, it didn't happen, and my husband and I were right in the middle. First thing, my daughter tells me off because she tried calling my cell phone, but we never heard it ring. Then, I ask my brother to say grace before everyone eats, and I get told off about that (he apparently didn't want to say it). Finally, my nephew gets snappy with me, and that was it: my husband went off on him. My nephew threatened to leave, my daughter took my nephew's side, my mom didn't know what to do and was wringing her hands, I was bawling, and that of course made me really sick (I have Addison's and can't take stress), and it just went from there. It was awful. I feel so alone right now. I'm mad at everyone: my daughter, my brother, my nephew, even my husband, who finally stood up for me, but it made things worse. I just want to crawl in a hole.

I understand when you all talk about being sick and how it's made it hard to stay close to people and others just don't get it. I've gotten distant from my family, but maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. It sure makes for lonely holidays.

Take care, everyone.

Hey, a good CD to have, I got it today from my hubby for Christmas, is the Susan Boyle CD. She talks in so many of her songs about getting through life. It's great inspiration, commiseration, you name it.

Love to you all.

Lindajoy

[Guest tearose]

Well, I think I'm getting too worn out to feel like any specific holiday should make me push too hard anymore, but I've finally come to realize, it is just another day...we can make any day special!

I haven't sent cards in years, hardly gave any gifts, just don't have the energy or funds to even do special cooking...I do find myself getting caught up in the energy and buzz and may break into jingle bells or little dreidel songs...but I really did not do much this year.

We visited my mother for Holiday dinner and it was very nice but it all goes so fast and it takes so much energy. I have been trying not to relapse so I did not do much in our own home. So, the one good thing about not decorating for the holidays is that I don't have to take the stuff down and put it all away!

I wish us all a new way of finding joy in every day!

Today, knowing I have people here that share this journey, makes me feel joy.

with warm fuzzies,

tearose

[Brye]

I love the holidays! My kids were so excited my oldest is 7 so all 4 still believe in Santa! I love their energy and happiness. These past 2 years however it just about did me in! I can barely keep up as it is and to add one more thing for me to deal with just tires me out!! My older 2 are in school but not during "break" so that leaves me home alone the majority of a 2 week time by myself with 4 kids to entertain. They have all these new toys to play with and want to play their new games which means wrestling with packaging, finding batteries, finding the on/off switches, assembling, ... you get the idea. Then there is the constant conflict resolution involved as well. I love that I have this site where I can give my good honest take on the holidays! Then there is my facebook post about how happy and fun it was for all and how we're looking forward to our "break" this season!!

Happy holidays and thanks for listening!!

Brye

[MomtoGiuliana]

For so many of us, the holidays can remind us of what we have lost. It's hard. My sister lost her baby in Jan. A dear friend died of suicide and I lost my mother in law this year as well.

Our holiday was very different due to all of these losses.

I hear everyone's pain too.

I found it helped me this year to focus on others to the extent I could. I "adopted" a family in need, anonymously and purchased needed items for the children. I did shopping for the food bank and made a monetary donation. I lent $ on Kiva and sending $ to my friend in Zimbabwe who wants to start a new business. It's a distraction but also gets me in the spirit of the holiday to feel like I might be making a difference somewhere for someone who is struggling more than I am. I also get frustrated by all the consumption by people who have so much already. I spent more on others than on my own family this year--it felt right.

Giuliana still had a lovely day--included getting a few gifts she really wanted thanks to generous family members. We've had fun playing with the new toys and games together--and my sister and her boyfriend are with us. G still believes in Santa which makes it all the more fun!

I wish peace and improved health to all for 2010.

[AndreaC]

At the beginning of the month, I was like most of you dreading Christmas and New Years, had just received news from Vandy that I'm not getting better. I was really down. My wonderful husband came home from church on Sunday and told me that he has descided that this year we are going to start a "new normal" from where I am now. I focused on the kids and what I could/can from the wheelchair and recliner. We have made the descision to stop asking God to heal me, but to accept where we are. I read the book "God Needs Me Living With Dysautonomia" by Lynn Fox Adams and was inspired. She is an inpiration to all that have dys. I spent all day in the recliner, but instead of being down, I watched my kids and laughed with them. I found that I enjoyed Christmas. I still don't feel good, and my extended family doesn't support me and my teenager is still causing problems with attitude, but I am going to enjoy the positives, even if that means being in bed, becaue it could be worse. I could still be searching for answers. I hope all of you find some hope and some thing positive for the new year and may we feel better in the new year.

[tinkerbella]

I have to say I have been focusing on helping others almost most of the month, as I adopted a family from this bed of mine and between extra toys I had bought from my own grandchildren, old reusable ones from my kids, and the ones from an email I sent out to family and friends I delivered 6 trash bags full of toys and food. They had nothing, I met them at my yard sale where I gave them a sofa, love seat, linens, silverware, glasses plates and I can't even remember what else I gave them. My old finds looked great in there tiny apartment. That is what Christmas is all about, giving all year round. Not just at Christmas.

Christmas morning I also found out my son who is ill had been in the hospital and is very ill and my heart hurts for him. Today is his birthday I was so worried about him being in the hospital when I called today I forgot to say Happy Birthday and he said hey you forgot.... It's all the extra stress right now. plus, I lost 1,000 dollars. I hid it because I need it to pay for my new ramp. I have all new workers in the house helping me so I've moved things around. 1/2 the money is not where I put it and the other I put in a wallet just before the doorbell rang and some worker came to install equiptment on all floors of my house. I thought I just threw the wallet in my room. When I checked it later it was empty of the money. I feel like I going crazy, why did I let this person go through the whole house alone without me as I stood there breathless.

Today I'm praying and tearing up the house trying to see if I can at least find the yard sale money. My body is so tired all I want to do is rest.

Dear St Anthony look around my money is lost and can't be found. Please help me find it right away so I can try to enjoy the rest of this day. And when I do I'll do an act of kindess a donate some to soneone as a favor for you. Amen~

I have found many things for myself and other with this prayer. I let you know how I do.

[Brye]

Bella Mia:

I hope you find that money. Why did you let someone go through your house unattended ... because you're trusting and you believe in the good in people. Things like that just don't even cross your mind. THat's how I am. So trusting that I don't even think something like that would ever happen!! We had some college students over for a get together quite a while ago and I left my kids envelopes with their dollars they had earned out on a table. My son Jonathans dollars mysteriously disappeared. I'm still hoping it'll turn up here because it's hard for me to believe someone would take it. How dumb of me for leaving it out but I just didn't think people we invited to our house would do something like that. I guess they needed it more than we did!! Good luck to you!!! Love that you adopted the family for the whole year and not just for Christmas!!!

Brye

[tinkerbella]

Brye.

Thanks I've been looking most of the day and can't find it. I let them go up because I'm a risk to go over the stairs and I'm so breathless right now. I've been demoted to the bottom floor but, just before she came I took the money out from under my mattress ( how corney ) then used my energy to go over the stairs to find something to put it in. I had a new wallet. I put it in and heard the bell and grabbed 40 out for errands for my other homemaker who was coming later on and laid the wallet down. This is when I go BRAIN FOG.... My case worker arrived as she was outside testing the product and then she went all over the house. I should have said you go with her. Now I feel like a dunce and need to call my case worker.

I pray I find it this time, I found a lot of things to give away the first time up so maybe God had a plan for me. So I'll take any prayers I can get Brye and from anyone else right now, but I said the same words you said this morning. Maybe someone needed it more than I did and that is pretty sad, cause I'm pretty poor with a very big kind heart.

[tinkerbella]

I found it last night!!!!!!!!!! THANK GOD and all those prayers to St Anthony. : )

[janiedelite]

I found it last night!!!!!!!!!! THANK GOD and all those prayers to St Anthony. : )

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Notgivinup]

Bella, I am soooo happy you found your money.

Christmas makes me sad now. Sad for all the things I can't do anymore, for all the things I wanted to do for my son, my mother, (who is widowed), my husband.

I wish I had the energy to bake cookies. I didn't. I wish I had been able to send out cards. I didn't. I wish I had been able to get my sister and her husbands gifts to them on time. I didn't. Heck I didn't even buy them yet. It was all I could do to try to make my 5 year olds Christmas a good one. I didn't have any friends over. Or family. Not that there is much family left.

Yes, Christmas made me sad. The only joy I got was watching my child open his gifts. But it went sooo fast. I worked so hard it seemed, and in 15-20 minutes it was all over.

IDK, the stress in our lives right now is ENORMOUS, and not just because of my illness. So many other things are wrong too. BUT if I weren't sick, I could do a lot more to make things OK.

I also hate the happy facebook people. I did not say one word about our holiday on my page. I could of faked it but why? Too much energy. Blah, I'm depressed tonight.

[MomtoGiuliana]

I know what you mean about FB. Such a strange medium, really. I think it tends to make people put up a front rather than provide a way for true self-expression. Not all that healthy, or meaningful. I do like it for sharing photos, but it is rather superficial and can be annoying for this reason.

Bella--glad you found the $.