How Do You Set Limits With Your Friends

[yogini]

I have one very good friend who has been out of work for the past 4 years - since just a few months before I developed POTS. Anyway, she has been crashing on the couches of various friends/family for much of the time. She's stayed at my place a few times for a night or two or longer when I am not here. I live in a 1 BR apt, so it is really hard for me to have visitors. I'm a light sleeper, I have a houskeeper that comes every couple of weeks, but other than that I have to do the laundry, cleaning, cooking, errands, etc. all by myself. I don't even have a washer/dryer in my place (it's in the basement of my bldg) so laundry is a whole day's activity for me. It's fun to have people over, but it can be hard doing it repeatedly, especially since this person is very focused on her own problems and winds up draining me emotionally and energy-wise.

I just had another friend who visited me for the weekend and she didn't tell me when she was coming or going. She wound up staying an extra night longer than expected. Not a big deal on its own. And she was actually a good houseguest - low maintenance and even brought her own towel. But she was with some friends (they didn't stay with me, but they were all here for a sports event). On Saturday night we were at a cafe and right after we ordered (she didn't order anything), she said she was tired and went home, leaving me with one of her friends. She did this a few times - either leaving early or getting somewhere late, so that I was stuck entertaining her friends when I really needed to be home resting. Her friends were really nice, but I just have limited energy. As you guys know, going out, walking around, etc. take up precious energy and I feel really exhausted and thrown off of my routine from the lack of rest.

Then to top it all off, my unemployed friend called and asked if she could stay over tonight, even though she knew I had another visitor this weekend. I had to tell her no. I feel like a selfish, terrible friend not being able to help out or do things that would be no big deal for a normal person. I think these are good people, but maybe just wrapped up in what is going on in their own lives and not understanding what I'm going through. Though I have repeatedly told them I get tired from walking or doing regular activites, I wonder whether maybe I haven't explained to them well enough my limitations. Whether or not it is the nice thing to do, I think I need to set better boundaries for myself. But how can you say no to someone if they ask if they can "just" stay over for a night or two? Do you guys have any ideas on how to deal with this?

[Sophia3]

Ok, I am not being a smart aleck but JUST SAY NO!! Especially to your crash on the couch friend. Out of work doing anything for FOUR years? Maybe she is very depressed and needs therapy to not do something.

You have an illness that 'any stimulation' of talking, noise, more people around, being FORCED to be upright or have company in your own home is NOT healthy for you.

I hate to sound like a shrink but you really have to set boundaries to protect yourself and you are NOT a bad friend but it sounds like YOU are perhaps more thoughtful than either one of these?

Maybe time to re evaluate what POSITIVE stuff you are getting from people that do not get your situation. Having house guests is EXHAUSTING on HEALTHY people and I can not imagine.

We had my room mates 16 year old niece last summer for a week. She was at gymnastics camp during the day, quiet as a mouse, a fanatic about her diet and brought all her OWN FOOD and made all her own meals. STILL it was VERY DRAINING to my room mate as well.

It's the change in our daily routine that tires you.

PLEASE be KIND to yourself and tell them, you can not be a crash pad. The unemployed friend needs more help than you can give at this point which sounds harsh but playing sleep over roulette is not helping her to face up to her own responsibilities!

Sorry if I sound harsh but gosh part of our HEALING is learning to put us first and know our limits.

By healing that can mean "COPING" and company invading your little home is not helpinig.

I hope you take the post in the spirit it is intended to hel YOU feel better about yourself. You should not feel the least bit guilty over saying no and you do not have to make any apologies.

If you don't put YOURSELF first, who will?

P.S. Good friends do NOT stress friends out. Or pull them from both ends as the case may be in this photo!!

[yogini]

Thanks Sophia, I totally agree with everything you said and I'm not offended. It's one of those things where I plan to say no, but in the spur of the moment I wind up giving in. I just feel guilty and frustrated because nobody seems to get it. As for the friend, she knows she needs therapy but can't afford it. It's hard for me, b/c I think most of us would trade POTS for unemployment anyday...you can always get some kind of job, but the health thing is not so easy to fix and may never go away. Anyway, I feel better now that I finally have my place to myself again. Hopefully I can get caught up on sleep and get my laundry done at some point!

And thanks for the cute photo!

[Sophia3]

I am glad you were not offended but after 18 years of this stuff, I have learned to protect myself. NEVER feel guilty for not being able to fix others.

I know we want to support our friends emotionally but ONLY if we get the same in return. Otherwise I call such friends or loved ones "emotional vampires" that suck all our energy away.

It stinks to learn to put oneself first but it can be done!

[JaneEyre9]

I have always had trouble saying "no" too. One trick that has helped me not to give in "in the moment" is to say, "I'll have to check my schedule," or "Let me get back to you on that." That gives me enough time to get out of the conversation, make a rational decision of "no," and then have a plan to bring it up in a way that makes me comfortable.

I can say, "You know, it would give me so much pleasure to see you and help you out, but this time is really not going to work out for me." Straight and to the point works best. The less explaining you do, the better. When you go into lengthy explanations about your health or other things, it can sound like you are defensive or making excuses. Worse yet, it can leave openings for the pushier friends to make suggestions to try to "help you" get around your limitations so they can still get a "yes" out of you.

Kristen

[yogini]

Kristen, you hit the nail right on the head about people being pushy when I've tried to explain. And I love your idea of deferring and taking time to think things over. It's a great and easy solution...though I do feel a bit silly for not thinking of it myself. But thank you!!!!

[Alizee]

You know I don't have anything really great to say other than this topic has made me feel less guilty

Hugs to everyone here <3

[JaneEyre9]

Glad I could help! It's ironic that I was able to help you on this topic because it has long been one of my weaknesses. My mom actually suggested that technique to me a couple years ago, and when I tried it, I was amazed at how well it worked! So don't feel silly-- I didn't think it up either! ;-)

Kristen

[helen.t]

Hi, This thread has been so helpful to me too!! I am such a people pleaser, it makes me ill as I hate letting folk down and feel guilty if i'm not up to an outing or having friends over when they need suport or I've made a commitment of some sort. The trouble is like you, I have a number of really nice friends but are really needy people themselves and it's too much. I love the suggestions that have been put forward by Kristen, I will definately be trying them out as I'm getting very worn out even by some people who are killing me with their kindness as they think I need a bit of company!?! Sometimes I wish I were on a desert island to get away!!!!.... LoL helen

[Mary P]

I agree totally with everyone who says, "Just say no". I said 'no' from the very beginning because I can't tolerate the additional exhaustion, weakness, light-headedness, nausea, etc. etc. Everyone except one son accepts that I know what is best for me.

I just can't 'get through' to him that he can't visit for at least 4 days. So, he sulks and won't come at all. That's fine with me because I know that I'll be in bed for at least a week after such a stay, perhaps even hospitalized. The thing is he doesn't offer to do anything like get a meal, do a load of laundry, do dishes, etc. It's all I can do to just look after myself.

Another son will come for only a short visit and will do anything and everything that needs doing. He doesn't want or expect me to do anything. He shops for me and we go out to eat. Friends will stay for only 1/2 to 1 hour and will leave earlier if they see that I need them to do this. So, all-in-all, I'm very fortunate.

The same applies to invitations to another's home. I simply won't stay overnight and won't go at all if I'm not having a really good day because this is as draining as having someone come to my home and talk or stay too long.

So, just keep up your courage. You have to look after yourself. You are the one who has to deal with and suffer through poor health.

Mary

[MightyMouse]

Mary, sorry, but if it were my son, I just do what I regularly do each day for myself and let him fend for himself.

nina

[morgan617]

There are real friends and then there are fair weather friends, there if they need you, gone with the wind when you need something. People will only go as far past your boundaries as you let them.

If people get hurt and make you feel guilty, or you make yourself feel guilty, that is called manipulation and not friendship.

It is very very hard for me to say no to people, but my real friends (of which which I have very few left) would never put me in these kinds of positions. I would rather have a few "real" friends than a lot of "conditional" friends. Maybe the gal out of work for 4 years doesn't do anything with her life because she never has to, so maybe you aren't doing her any favors by allowing her to continue this behavior and telling her no might actually help her. You never know....morgan