Lost My Driver's License Today

[morgan617]

My birthday is this month and my license was set to expire.

I haven't driven in almost 3 years, but I still had it in my purse, just in case, you know? Today, we went in and they refused to renew it. I had to get a photo ID instead. I know I can't and won't drive, I would never endanger another person by being stubborn and silly (like my dad, M-I-L, and my friend's mom with dementia) but they are all in their 80's!

For some reason it just hit me when they handed me that "ID photo" as opposed to a license, I had just lost another hugh part of my life. It didn't seem to matter that I hadn't used it...it was just another big loss because of this stupid body. I burst into tears and every one was looking at me, (of course the place was jammed) but I couldn't help it. Here I am in the middle of an SSDI re eval and I am giving up my license and another part of my life and independence. Hubs wheeled me out as fast as he could and tried to comfort me.

I have been very cranky about going in to do this, and now of course, I know why. You think this disease has already taken everything, and bam, it rips away something else....what a bummer. Anyway, just needed to vent. I'm better now, but am tired of the fact that I get resigned to stuff so easily anymore. I annoy myself.... morgan

[Ernie]

Dear Morgan, I am so sorry for your loss.

I feel so much for you.

Hugs

[nadine]

Morgan- I do understand what you are saying.

-- I had my license renewed last year. My husband parked in handicapped parking and I held on to him, instead of using my cane and prayed I could stand long enough to read the eye chart without losing my balance. I was so afraid they wouldn't renew it if they saw my need for assistance to just get in there and stand. I leaned on a table while waiting, pretty much sitting on it. Luckily it was renewed - good until 2011, but I also haven't driven for 2 1/2 yrs, other than the length of my long driveway . I also would not risk it, but like you want to keep it with hope that it will get better and I could keep in practice by driving with someone.

Not being able to drive has been one of the most difficult things for me to cope with. Drives me crazy, makes me angry -- to depend on others for every little thing, to have to wait for someone to get things for me or take me to apts., to do all my shopping and errands, etc. I go through this range of emotions constantly. SO vent.

[Mrs. Burschman]

I'm sorry Morgan. That would be difficult.

Sending you a hug!

Amy

[Sophia3]

Even though you haven't driven and know in your case, you should not, the finality and reality of seeing things "in writing" always stings, doesn't it?

Sorry. Suck your thumb for a few days and then move on...works for me...sometimes.

P.S. At least you have a hubby to help you around which does not help you for what you went thru today, but is a blessing. Besides, you need a chauffeur to drive you to all those modern, well meaning doctors in your area (sarcasm) Here is a photo of the rush hour traffic in your hometown I dug up.

[pat57]

I know how that is - its a hardship.

[deucykub]

Oh, Morgan:

I am so very sorry to hear that you went through this today. It does seem like the illness just takes away little chunks of our lives one bit at a time. We do become easily resigned to it after awhile, but in a way, I think that's a kind of grace. Otherwise, the hurt would last too long and be unbearable.

It's small comfort when things are going really wrong, but try and remember what you still can do. You can still hug and feel the warmth of a comforting embrace. That's what makes life worth living for me on those really bad days.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. My depression remedy is sappy movies, endless ice cream, and a good cry. Then it all feels a little better in the morning. It's okay to grieve; this is a very real loss.

Sending a big hug your way!

[morgan617]

Thanks all....the support is always a boost, to know people "get it" Sophia, I have always loved that picture and you'd think they wouldn't have a big problem with me driving one of those would you, it's not like rush hour in the east...LOL, thanks for that....morgan

[lalalisa]

Morgan,

I'm sorry to hear about your rough day! I think that would be so difficult. Thanks for sharing so we can be here for you.

Please take care,

Lisa

[MomtoGiuliana]

I am so sorry. In our country mobility by car is such a necessity and losing the independence to drive yourself is a huge blow. I can understand your emotion.

[Rachel]

Hi Morgan,

I'm sorry for the loss. It's hard enough to admit when we lose the ability to do things, but then to have them "officially" removed drives the reality home even harder. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Rachel

[Guest tearose]

wow morgan, it is hard to hear this. It hurts. I feel like it is a big loss. I am so sorry.

You have lost so much and now this.

I wish I could say something upbeat but I am still feeling your pain. Maybe it is also an underlying fear that for some of us...the loss and progression is grave. It just doesn't get any better and playing the "glad game" is getting harder and harder.

in this moment I am remembering a quote that someone famous said and I don't know who it was, but it is something like...

life is tough and then you die.

hmmm, I sure don't feel cheery when it comes to loss of independence...

sorry morgan, you may have moved past this but it is hitting me rather hard...

please gather encouragement from others while I get pissed and have a moment of anger with the "divine"...

[morgan617]

Tea, I guess maybe subconsciously, I was thinking about that. For some of us, this doesn't get better, just slowly worse. I have lost so many things I had just 4-5 years ago. I was working, babysitting grandkids, driving, walking with hubs in the evening, keeping my house clean...and it goes on. All that is gone.

I was a nurse for a very long time, as many know, and I saw my gastro recently. I asked him for some stool hemocults and solution to take home and test, because I take so much potassium and wanted to make sure I wasn't bleeding. Sometimes you can bleed and it's not enough to see, but the slides and solution pick it up. I did those things for almost 30 years, and certainly know how. He flatly refused. I had to do the slides and mail them in. I said, look, this is one thing I know how to do, and there's so little left I can control. He gave me a song and dance about costs etc (A clue for you guys....the slides and solutions here are provided to the offices at NO cost from the area labs, I used to order them all the time, so he flat out lied, except they wanted to charge me for someone to test it with the drops, which takes 5 seconds) I told him no and he told me I needed to pick my battles on more important things.

What he didn't get is, I have lost so much, it was a HUGE battle to me. And he will never get that. He will also never get a stool sample from me. The license was just another slap in the face of the realities of my life. But, I guess I just don't have the energy to stay sad or mad anymore. I actually made myself take that ID photo out and look at it and then I just burst out laughing. I thought, if they are going to rip a piece of my heart out, they could have at least had the picture not look like I was a convict in liver failure.....sometimes you just gotta laugh or you'll cry yourself to death....

I've heard that saying and have used it many a time, but my words are a bit different anyway, another glass of spilt milk and no use crying over it....after a certain amount of crying....morgan

[lthomas521]

Even if you weren't using it, it hurts to lose it.

I had to stand in line to get mine renewed, and I was worried that I might get an attack of orthostatic stupidity, or worse, there at DMV. Would it help to explain that I only have trouble while standing, and that I always sit down to drive?

Every month or so, I run a MEDLINE search to see if there's anything new on our conditions. I believe that among us we have several different conditions with overlapping symptoms and signs, but that any month now, there will be an article that will give us a diagnosis or a new treatment. Maybe not for me, but for others. If I had magical powers, I'd conjure up the cure for you today, and I'd wait my turn.

[ajw4790]

Wow, I am so sorry Morgan. To have so much going on and now this! It is amazing what kind of meaning that little piece of plastic can have. I wish there was something I could say...

[pastordari]

Oh Morgan, I'm so sorry.

This is one of my greatest fears for precisely the reasons you named.

You give up so much and the DL is one sign of independence remaining.

i'm so sorry they took that from you.

Why can't they be so meticulous about elderly drivers? Food for thought!

They are much less motivated to think of others when they decide to go out for a drive or groceries . . . at least my church members and my grandparents fall into this mode of thinking. They just want to be independent and **** everyone else along the way. I don't think they really feel this way, but they don't think of the harm they can do to others.

Dari

[Guest tearose]

Thanks for the follow up morgan.

You are role modeling the way one graciously goes through an "acceptance" of what is.

I suppose I am at a point in one are of my life where I am in a struggle with knowing when to fight and when to accept.

I did work on this issue and it came to me today that accept does not mean giving up.

I am glad you were able to work through this and now I am at a better place too! Thanks.

best regards,

tearose