Guest Mary from OH Posted April 10, 2006 Report Share Posted April 10, 2006 First of all, I want to apologize in advance. I am totally venting and unloading and if you don't want to read any further, you are adequately forwarned...I don't know quite where to start or how to explain things, but I am in a HUGE POTShole!! So many things have happened lately and I guess I'm just FED UP!! As many of you know, I was hospitalized 2x in February (or was it March? ... gee my memory is so great! LOL). I have had SO many tests because of being paralyzed from the waist down (2x) it's not funny. And, yet, they still have no idea WHY it happened!! Of course, in the meantime, I've had speculations anywhere from a migrainous stroke to MS to sleep paralysis to IT BEING ALL IN MY HEAD (psychosomatic)!! Plus, I also managed to stop breathing in my PCP's office while having a coughing attack during getting dx with bronchitis and got rushed to ER for that too. The squad had to stabilize me first before they could transport me. They gave me 6 breathing treatments (plus one in the drs office). So, by the time I got to the ER I was doing much better. They basically ignored me there. They stuck me in a room, finally did some tests, then left me along for hrs. I had another coughing attack in my room and called for the RN using the button. I couldn't speak, since I couldn't breathe, but I had made them aware of what had happened and caused me to get to ER in the first place. After 12 minutes, no one had come. My button was turned off. I pushed it again. I thought for sure I would die. Finally my RN came. She put me on O2 and told me to RELAX!!!!! RELAX??!! YOU try not being able to breathe for that long and calling for someone and not getting any response and see how you feel??!! I was NOT having breathing problems because I needed to relax.... Then there's my homelife, or lack thereof. Would you believe that when I was paralyzed on my couch, after I called my neurologist, I called my husband? I told my DH what was going on and that I had to call 911 and go to ER. I asked him to pick up our daughter after school. He said NO, he couldn't that he was too busy and that I'd have to find someone else!!!!! OK.... Here I am, laying on the couch, paralyzed, with only my cellphone... I spent the next 2 hrs trying to call anyone in my cellphone's address book to see if they could pick my daughter up so that I could call 911. How ridiculous is that???!!! I'm paralyzed, have an excruciating migraine and I have to wait to call 911 because my husband is too busy to take care of our daughter!! Then, when I was rushed to the hospital when I stopped breathing, again I needed to make sure she had transportation and "care" for after school. Thank God I was stabilized in enough time!! My husband does not support me at all anymore!! I am getting to the point that, dare I say it, I hate him. He treats me and my daughter like dirt. He used to be such a kind, loving person and now he's just a selfish, self-centered idiot. Why do I stay, you ask?? Because, if I don't, I have NO insurance!! And, I certainly can't afford that!! So, I feel like I'm forced to stay in this awful, hurtful, marriage that is slowing killing me!!!!!!!I feel like no one understands me or what I go through. Medically, physically, emotionally... I feel very alone. I have a chronically ill child to take care of whom I love with all my heart. But, that too is very draining. And my husband's evil ways are slowly working their way into her life too. He is teaching her how to lie and how to talk back and put people down. I can't stand watching it happen. But, I can't leave. I thought I could because I knew I could get my daughter insurance and that is what was most important to me, taking care of her. But, I realized in order to take care of her, I need to be healthy too. And if I don't have insurance (and good insurance too), then I can't be healthy to take care of her. Whenever I'm sick, it seems that no one is there for me. I understand about my extended family, they live out of town. But what about my husband? My friends? I try to always be there for others... I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging or something, but I try to be there for other people and go the extra mile. I tend to spread myself too thin. I think it helps me take my mind off of my own problems, medical and otherwise as well as pain. I don't expect anything back from anyone, I just get discouraged when no one is ever available for me when I need a hand/shoulder/ear...Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it's wrong and it'll screw up anyway and that everything in your life is just going wrong and you are just fed up and tired and are just kind of like an outsider looking at it and one day it is just going to come crashing in?Well, I can't even think anymore... My head is killing me... I promised myself I'd get a shower today (NOT! again!) and get some of my paperwork done that I needed to (not yet...) and I've got to go pick up Marissa from school in a little over an hour...Thanks for listening, if you made it this far. You're a good friend!! And I apologize for my rant, but I guess I needed it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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