I need your opinions

[DSM3KIDZ]

I need your guys imput in regards to sending my son to preschool this year. Maybe other mothers with my illness can give me a better perspective. We always send our kids to 3-K because our kids are the oldest in their classes and they really should be in 4k so they are ready.

I am nervous because alot of days I get so extremely nauseated that I can't move off the couch. Even the meds on these days barely take the edge off. Last year was hard with taking my daughter to and from Kindergarten but my husband only works 24/hr. every two days. So basically 2-3 times a week I'd have to drive. But as you know it's still ALOT when your really down.

I'd have to drop my daughter off go home for 30 min. drop my son off and pick him back up at 11:30 go home and than leave to pick daughter up at 3:15.

Not only that there is all the extra things like having snacks , doing projects, going to events, and the dreaded ...meeting others my age who are healthy and want to set up play dates etc..

I don't know if I can deal with the added stress but my family is extremely pushing saying I need to do it for him becasue he is ready and needs an out or distraction from me on my sick days.

Either way I'm going to have anxiety, either for myself or for him. If I could wear a sign saying no playdates, events, or parties maybe I'd feel better but with school that's just stuff that can't be avoided. I don't want to meet new people because than they will expect me to explain all my issues and I can barely explain it to myself.

What's a mother to do? You want the best for your child. What if I don't do it and I get this health stuff undercontrol, or I do send him and I'm worse than ever and can't be "there" for him.

Any imput?

Dayna

[MightyMouse]

Dayna, is there some way for you to lower the number of stressors associate with sending your child to school? What about carpooling, or paying a neighbor a small fee to do the pick up/drop off? Also, it may be useful to inform the school's staff that you are chronically ill and that you have limitations with regard to being a helper for projects; the same might go well for telling some of the parents, lest they think you're just unsociable.

As a school staff person, I can tell you that it helps to know these things. All year long my staff were peeved at one mom who was sending her kid to school dirty, in mismathced clothes, and sometimes forgetting lunch or lunch money. It wasn't until the month of MAY that she disclosed she'd had 4 strokes in the past 2 years, and the last one left her unable to speak. She's still relearning through speech therapy. When I told all of my assistants, they then felt horrible guilty for having badmouthed the poor woman all year long--I always tell them that it's hard to care for a child with a disability and they have no idea what it's like and not to be so judgmental. I think this particular instance snapped them into some well needed empathy for parents.

Just do what feels right for you and what you feel is the right thing for your child. Nina

Nina

[Karen]

Dayna,

When I first got sick, my youngest daughter was in her first year of preschool. (she is now 17)Suddenly I couldn't carpool, and the guilt, and all the other emotions that go with it were something that I had to deal with, not just regarding the complications this created surrounding my youngest daughter, but also my kindergartener. What happened though was that my daughters were able to be away from me for periods of the day, which is essential when you have a mother who is feeling badly much of the time. They need to be exposed to an enviroment with normal activity and stimulation, other kids, and people with energy that will do things with them. I tried so hard to counter their worrying about mom, and did my best to make sure they were not isolated because of me. That did mean resigning from being a brownie leader, and also not volunteering in the classroom anymore. It meant engaging my husband on some school field trips or other activities, and that meant that occasionaly he would have to take a day off. I still helped with homework and things at home. Even though other mothers didn't quite get it, I would have them drive my daughter to play dates at their homes, or have them drive their own child to my home.

You have to accept the fact that you have to ask for help, and do it. Because, after all, we would do anything for our children, right? And in the long run, it is better for them to have their life as normal as we can make it for them. I still sacrifice for my children; I save my energy to do the driving I have to do (because I'm better now and can drive and do much more than before, thank God) in regards to my daughter's activities, and I don't do the other things that I might need to do because there will always be a time for them. I find that I do still try to make up for all of these years where we didn't do activities as a family because mom couldn't take the heat, or the drive, or the walking, or the whatever....of course, I still can't do as much as I would like, and the guilt is there but to a lesser degree.

Best of luck to you with your decision. It may seem overwhelming, but most things seem that way to us until we get the help and then it all falls into place. Really!

Karen

[taylortotmom]

Mom to mom- enroll your children in preschool. Go to the school and meet the teacher and other parents. Inform the teacher from the get-go what is going on. Teachers and other parents will be glad to help in any way possible. You don't have to go into great detail. State that you have a serious health condition that prevents you from helping out as much as you would like but you really want your children to have the same opportunities as other kids. Be specific about what you need. Many people want to help out but don't know what it is I need or what I am able to do for myself unless I tell them. You may not be able to be there physically but there are many ways to be involved in your kids' preschool experience even from the couch. I can elaborate on that if needed (make goodie bags, call other parents, etc.) You might need someone to pick up your kids and take them to school in the mornings- let that be known. If you can't find someone who will do this- pay someone. I emphatically agree with Karen that the best thing to do for your kids when you are sick is to give them as much normalcy as possible. Chances are they will tell their teacher and friends about you so it is better to let the teacher know what is really going on. I know my kids have had the "facts mixed up" and a rumor got out that I was pregnant once (among other things)! Also, your childrens' behavior at school might reflect what is going on at home. My little boy had a terrible time when he was three at preschool. He would hit and throw terrible temper tantrums which would correlate with me going in and out of the hospital. I made sure his teachers always knew what was going on, not so they would tolerate such behavior but so they could at least understand what was going on in my son's life. Either way, do what is right for your family and good luck!

Carmen

[Marie]

Dayna - I did not send any of my kids to preschool. My husband worked 2nd shift, so thay always had one of us home. We did not go out of our way to do "teaching" activities at home. Just normal playing, talking, and going places. I am a teacher and not a fan of preschool unless the child is delayed. Kids learn developmentally anyway. Why do we make kids grow up so fast? If you send your child to preschool, maybe you could arrange with them that he go a few days a week or parts of the days that are better for you or like others have suggested -there may be a parent that would transport your son.

Marie

[mom4cem]

Hi,

I agree with most everyone's posts. You do what you feel is right for you and your family. You know your limits. If you send him to school, maybe there is a way to work it out with another parent to carpool. Possibly, if you can afford to, pay someone you know to pick him up. He would be with other kids his age and in a learning environment. If you can't and he stays home, he'll still be ready when kindergarten comes. He'll enjoy being with you and when you're up to it, do some homeschooling, letters, alphabet etc.

Just a thought. Really what ever you need to do you do it.

[DSM3KIDZ]

Thanks for all your imput on this subject. I get alot of anxiety when the school year starts because alot of the time my nausea makes me nonfunctional.

We live in milwaukee city and our kids go to a suburban district school so having other parents help is not an option. I don't know anyone who will want to drive 15min. there and 15min. back when all they have to do is watch their child walk to school from their front door.

We have alot of really nice neighbors but they all work full-time and we don't have much of a connnection with any of them.

I also have a REAL hard time asking for help, which I do need to get over but it's hard when somedays I'm great and others I'm extremely sick. I feel like I come off as being fake.

I came up with this. For the school year my husband can switch his firefighter schedule so he works 48hr. every weekend but has off all week. That way our kids can live as normal as possible. They can still have activities and if I'm feeling better my husband and I can both go to family events together.

We usually don't have much going on in the weekend so when I'm home alone with the kids we can relax and "hang out". That way also if I need help on the weekend, there are ALOT more people available to me than during the week.

It doesn't have to be permenant we'll schedule it 6months at a time and if I get better or figure out how to get the nausea undercontrol than we can go back to our normal routine.

It sounds easy but we'll see if it can all work out.

Dayna

[corina]

Dayna,

I'm really proud of you that you came to this solution! I learned to find solutions (for almost everything) and found out that I've become very inventive! Well that's something good coming out of POTS!

Again, I'm very proud of you (and your husband) for working this out together!

Corina

[Susan Lake]

Good for you Dayna. I am so glad to hear that you worked out a way for this to work. I know there is still going to be a lot of running around for you with the kids but try to take it easy when you can especially on the weekends. I had my twins in preschool the past two years and had to deal with all the moms wanting to do playdates. I agreed always but then stressed about explaining my condition when the time came for the playdate at my house. I told the moms prior to their child coming here and although they had no clue what pots was, they were compationate toward the situation. After the playdate was over, I always pushed for some good "quiet time" to regroup and get thru the rest of the day. I wish you the best and admire you for doing what you are doing.

Susan

[AJVDK]

Hello, I understand where you are coming from. My sons preschool meet in greet is next monday night and I am not looking forward to it. I am worried that they are going to ask me to help, as I am always trying on too much as I am afarid to say no, my problem it i over do it and worry about it after, the problem with that is I am ended up done for a week of tow at a time, and now i feel like the good days are far in few.

Do you have anyone that could help you? Or due you know one of the other parents you could have help pick up and take to perschool when you are not feeling well?

Good Luck! Have a great night!

Amy

[Karen]

Dayna,

Your plan sounds like a great one. No brain fog in evidence in working this out!

And as you said, you can adjust the plan as needed. It's wonderful that your husband is willing to do what has to be done. He sounds like a super dad and husband!

Take care, Karen