Has Anyone Hear Made The Decision To Be Child-free

[marni4u]

As you all know, I'm in the process of divorce which has been **** to say the least. So, since my marriage will be ending, I have been considering permanent "birth control". I have always felt I did not want to have children but never considered doing anything about it since I was married and my husband felt he would probably like to have children down the road. Now that my marriage is ending and his opinion will be of no consideration, I am seriously considering this option. My only concern is that in the future, if I should meet someone and they don't necessarily feel the same way as I do, would this hinder future relationships (which at this time is the farthest thing from my mind but, I'm the type that always likes to think ahead)? Has anyone here made this permanent decision and can they offer any advice? One of the reasons I've been thinking about this is my birth control meds seem to be aggravating my migraines and I am going off them. So, I'm thinking, while I'm still working and have medical coverage now might be the time to go the permanent route. I sincerely hope my feelings regarding being child-free do not offend anyone here. I just need some input. Thanks guys, Marni

[Guest brianala]

If you want to get off the hormonal birth control, but don't want a completely permanent solution, then an IUD is a great choice. I have a copper IUD with no hormones, and I love it. I got mine because of the problems I was having with migraines while on hormonal birth control. I have not had any issues with migraines since I got it over a year ago.

The copper IUDs are usually good for up to ten years, and if you decide to have children later you can have it removed. There is a lot of great information about IUDs available here: http://www.maqweb.org/iudtoolkit/

[iheartcats]

Please don't feel that you could offend someone for being child-free. We should all be able to make decisions that pertain to us and our bodies and lives. Some people don't seem to take the time to think about what having a child entails and they are just 'cute and fun' and having a child is a huge commitment of time, resources, love, and care if you're going to do it right. So it's wonderful, I think, you are thinking things through!

My husband and I decided to not have children. When we were first married, we always assumed we would about 10 years down the road (I was married in college, quite young)...but it never happened. I cared a lot for my siblings growing up and I'd frankly had enough of child-rearing and babysitting by age 19 and liked the break.

Then...it just didn't happen. I never really had the urge. I feel if one has a child (and this is my belief) you have to give it your all. The child needs every advantage it can have to be a successful, well-adjusted contributor to society and didn't know if I was ready to put myself second yet. Then I got POTS (again, right around when many women start thinking about kids in the late 20s/early 30s). I could not handle a child now. I know that for sure. I have to work soon and can barely handle that and a fate of a human isn't in my hands!

I don't think having kids is for everyone. I know others who don't want kids. I know others who have kids and don't want them, which is worse and I feel bad for that situation. Some people are thrilled with their kids, which is great for them.

I have nothing against kids. Love my nieces and nephew to bits. Fun little things. But not for me full-time.

There are a lot of child-free web sites and support groups: http://www.childfree.net/

And try not to worry about meeting someone down the road who might want kids. You have to do what's best for you. What if you meet a guy who doesn't want children, too? Or already has children? There are many options out there, one never knows.

I have the Mirena which I'm really liking. I had to get permission to get it (IUD) but POTS + BCP isn't the greatest combo because of the blood pressure issues so it was approved. 5 years and I have little to no monthly periods. If you change your mind, it comes out and you're still fertile! It lasts five years.

Good luck to you and remember, you have to do what is best but there's plenty to read up on if you're curious!

[potsgirl]

I think a factor to consider here would also be age. You don't say how old you are, but sometimes women will change their minds about having a child as they grow older. It sounds like the IUD would be a good option for you if you're still not positive. Sometimes docs won't perform the surgery if you're too young. Not saying that's right, but that it does happen. Depending on your insurance, I'm not sure it would cover the sterilization procedure, either. Whatever you decide, good luck!

Jana

[Janey]

I'm still young (in my twenties) but just cannot imagine having a child with POTS/Dysautonomia. I find my life too hard to cope with already, I don't how I could add a child to that mix? I've barely got what I need, so I just can't justify bringing something else into the world whose needs would be far greater than mine are. I think my life will be so much easier without kids. It's sad but true. I think if I were rich and could bring it up from an outstretched position on a sofa while someone else did all the physical stuff, then I would maybe consider it!

Janey

[Csmith3]

Yes, I have. But I have avoided going for a permanent birth-control solution. (I have an Implanon implant in my arm, lasts 3 years and has been great for me. I find it less of a hormonal rollercoaster than some of the other shorter term methods, even those that use the same hormones. Anyway, I digress.)

I would be wary about going for a permanent solution when you are going through so much emotionally already.

Generally I don't feel great on a day to day basis. But just occasionally I have 2 or 3 good days together. In that short time, I am obviously very happy as I can do the things I would like to do. Interestingly, I find that my wants and aspirations change and having a "normal" family life starts to be appealing. I can suddenly relate to my friends who are out looking for partners and looking forward to the time they have their own family. Then as soon as I start feeling ill again, those feelings disappear. I go back to being happy with my lot and accepting that I don't have the physical or emotional energy to cope with a child. However, just in case my POTS did miraculously go or was brought under good control with medication, I am reluctant to go for the permanent solution.

[Jan]

When people "know" they want kids, no one ever tries to talk them out of it. When people "know" they don't want kids, people seem to always want to try to talk them out of it.

I can completely understand wanting to get it done while you have medical coverage.

My sister had her tubes tied when she was pretty young and got a lot of grief for it. She has never regretted it.

People kept telling her she might change her mind.

I guess you are the only person who knows for sure, but if you really don't want kids, I would have the surgery while you have the medical coverage. The younger you are, the quicker you heal.

It is best not to make major life decisions when you are upset, so depending on how you are feeling about your divorce, it may make some sense to wait a few months or more to decide. You really don't need to decide anything until you find a "partner" and in this day and age everyone should be using condoms while dating anyway.

[shoe]

Yeah, my husband and I have... Be prepared.

While we weren't sure what was going on with me (I have been semi-ill but pretty functional until about six years ago, at age 30) I knew earlier that while kids might not be out of the question, being pregnant was just in terms of peripheral health stuff. I just knew it. And my husband and I figured that if we wanted kids later, y'know, we weren't real particular about it needing our particular genetics, and it'd probably give us all a better start with each other if I wasn't behind the eightball of nine months of pregnancy and subsequent sleep deprivation that comes from an infant.

The gyn I saw was an older man (80s... still practicing. Good guy) was surprisingly cooperative when my husband and I told him we'd been thinking about it for those reasons... I was 27, and have no children. This is really unusual, the cooperativeness. Most doctors won't unless you've had multiple kids (my cousin's girlfriend was told they would not do this for her after her first child ten years or so back -- they did when she had her second almost two years ago (surprise!)) They tend to not want to if you're single as well.

I know when I was out of the surgery, the nurses (and some doctors subsequently) were REALLY nasty about the fact that some doctor could be so irresponsible as to "do that to me" when I was so young and had no kids. Um, you know, I did have some say in this, and I was sure... Of course, now I'm doing a heck of a lot worse, even, and the same bunch is telling me that it's a good thing I don't have kids.

I ended up, ironically, developing endometriosis (NOT related to the tubal... they saw it when they went in, and it only became problematic four or so years later). Since you do get your period w/tubals, I ended up having to go on a low dose of progestin (5 mg) to keep my cycle at bay and prevent the return of the endometriosis anyway, but it's a lower dose than a birth control pill (and I take it every day... so no periods, which I'm just heartbroken over. Not.)

I don't have any regrets. Actually, I'm glad I did it. (My mom was wrecked over it... but it turned out to be an even better idea later. I'm actually glad we held off on seriously thinking about adoption, too). It was pretty hurty the first week after the surgery, but recovery was fine, and the scars aren't even visible (it was endoscopic surgery, as was the endo ablation -- the endo ablation hurt less than the tubal, but I hear that's an unusual case). I think the hardest part might be getting docs to take it on if you're young, single and have no kids, as it's generally not reversible (sometimes they can... but success is limited). I would emphasis the health issues especially if they're to the point they'd seriously impact long term child raising with or without a spouse/partner.

shoe

[valliali]

Hi,

I agree with what everyone has said here, but I would like to add that my personal belief is that if you choose a permanent birth control, that doesn't mean you need to be child-free. No, you cannot have your own child, but there are many needy children who need loving homes. If you, later down the line, meet a long-term partner, you guys will not be without the option to have children. Also, I often have to question a man who will not pursue a relationship with a woman who cannot have children. If he doesn't love his partner more than his need to reproduce, is that a selfish quality that would one would be better without? I don't really know, there is no right or wrong answer, but you have to know that the decision is entirely yours and shouldn't be based on a future relationship. Also, I agree that it may be worth looking into other forms of birth control if you find the decision to be very difficult to make.

[ladyt]

hi...

It is not selfish to not have children.. But if u choose a permanent solution ore not i would use some thime to think about it.. I always whanted to be over 30 before having any children, and i whanted to adopt..

What others feel about this is not the important, its what u feel, and how long u have feelt it and why thats important..

i am over 30 now, because of pots i will not be abel to adopt.. And it seems like people think it would be very selfhis for my partner and me to have children.. adopted ore the other way.. so...

[MomtoGiuliana]

You've gotten lots of helpful feedback and thoughts, I think. This can be a tough question and is very personal. I agree with others who have said this is solely your decision. I also agree (from personal experience) that one's desire to have your own biological child can change as one grows older (eg from 20's to 30's).

I think many of us here, who are or have been severely ill with POTS and unsure what the future holds, struggle at some level with the issue. Yes, I can get pregnant, but should I? If we don't have the financial and emotional support/wherewithal it may not be the best choice.

Just wanted to add that there are women on this site who have adopted with the POTS diagnosis. So it may not rule you out from adoption, depending on the extent of your disability.

[Stace915]

Having children or not has been a BIG issue for me the last year or so. I am not ready to have children yet anyways (want to wait until I am married if it was going to happen and still waiting for a ring) but it is something me that my bf and I have discussed a lot.

I discussed it with Dr.Grubb in detail and I was mostly concerned about the possibility of passing down POTS and/or EDS to another human being and could not live with myself if someone else ever felt as sick as I do most of the time and knew it was my fault! He was actually not as concerned about that but more concerned about how I would take care of an infant and then an older child when a lot of the time I have weeks at a time that I can barely get out of bed, can't drive etc. Yes I would have support from my bf who at that point would be my husband BUT he is only one person and can not be home 24/7 taking care of a child, or waking up for feedings in the middle of the night etc and still work fulltime to make enough money to support us and keep a roof over our heads.

I have ALWAYS wanted children and I still get upset every time I see a baby when we are out but in my situation, I have decided that as much as it kills me, it is not fair for us to have children and my bf is okay with that. He is really concerned about pregnancy also making me sicker (which it could or could not, and we wouldn't know until then). We discussed adoption but an adopted child still needs to be cared for. My Mom hasn't really accepted that I will never give her grandchildren and has already said she would be willing to move closer to help out but I said no. If I have children I do not want someone else raising them...now I also have the very real possibility of having yet another extremely serious disease, fabry. If it turns out that I have it the testing for that is done on the embryo...and without getting into details something that I am not comfortable with.

I think this is a VERY personal decision for everyone sick or not and that there is a lot that goes into it and a lot of variables. I don't think that my decision is the right answer for everyone with POTS by any means but for me, unless something changes greatly it is.

[marni4u]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom and opinions on this subject. You all had some interesting thoughts. Someone has asked my age, I'm 33. It's hard to discuss something like this with parents because I feel they can/would be biased. I don't feel I would change my mind about children in the future and, as someone stated, if I would there is adoption. This isn't something that I just decided because of the break-up of my marriage; I have always felt this way. If you all have anymore thoughts, please feel free to let me hear them. Or, even thoughts on procedures, quickest recovery, etc. etc. that would help also. You guys are great.

Thanks, Marni

[janiedelite]

I'm 36, married, no kids. My husband and I are currently going through infertility treatments. We have done two months of treatments without success and will do two more. We've been trying for over a year now. I've put off trying mestinon and other POTS meds until we're done attempting pregnancy. We've both always wanted children of our own, but I think it's been toughest for him to think about having to give up on this dream. I think Cath_UK put it well when she stated that most days she doesn't feel well enough to even think about kids, but then there are a few good days and I think "Well, this could definitely be possible." If we don't get pregnant by October, I'll go on birth control to try to nearly cease my periods as hormones play a role in my symptoms, and I'll try out more POTS meds.

Personally, I still really want a child and have told hubby that I'd like to adopt in a few years. We have actually consulted with a local adoption agency and were told that if we pursue adoption, we put our info in a portfolio for the expectant mothers to choose from. I have to include my medical issues and disability. She was honest and said it takes a healthy couple a couple of years before they receive a child. For us, it could be 4 years or more. So maybe if I can improve my quality of life and function with POTS meds, then we'll be a more appealing choice for the expectanct mothers.

We've been letting our family know of our plans to go on birth control if we don't conceive within a couple months. It's especially hard for my mom and my sister-in-law to accept. They keep saying, "Well, I just know you'll get pregnant." I have one cousin who's opted not to have kids and talking with her is like a breath of fresh air. We're having to be rather forceful with the other family members right now, letting them know that this is a hard time for us and please don't make it more difficult by carrying on. It is what it is. Adoption is so expensive and it's unknown as to when we'd even be able to consider that option. I know kids are a blessing, but right now my hubby and I are so thankful for each other and for the good days we can have. He's seen all the bad days in between and is actually starting to look forward to the time I can start meds again.

[snakeshoes]

Adoption is so expensive and it's unknown as to when we'd even be able to consider that option.

I don't want to talk you out of trying to have a child any more than I would want to talk someone out of choosing not to have a child. However, I just wanted to point out that my wife and I were considering adoption for a while (before we decided to remain child-free for our own sakes as well as that of any potential child) and the cost of adoption is only a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of a child. Seriously, do you know how much money you'll go through in diapers alone in the first year? It's astounding.

All that's to say that you shouldn't give up on having a child if you can't get pregnant right now there are many options and they're not as bad as you think.

To the original poster, don't let anyone pressure you one way or the other on this. If you've been thinking about it for some time, I'd suggest scheduling a sit-down with your doctor to talk about options that are available to you and the pros/cons of each before you make a decision and move forward.

As far as potentially meeting someone in the future who wants to have children, you still have options there too but don't feel like you have to have a child just because he wants one. Having a child or not is a major factor that can play into the decision to get married - I had a friend who called off an engagement after he and his fiancee had a frank talk about their different opinions on starting a family. They were mature enough to know that neither would be happy if either one changed his/her position (but not feelings) on the matter just to please the other. Either way, best of luck to you.

[Mrs. Burschman]

I have a copper IUD, and I LOVE IT. 10 years, no worries!

I was on birth control pills, but I have migraines with auras, so that increases my risk of having a stroke. Still low, but not cool.

I am 99% sure that I don't want kids. Just don't have the desire. Has nothing to do with my POTS. Husband feels the same way.

I am definitely missing the gene that makes people want to reproduce.

[Mrs. Burschman]

When people "know" they want kids, no one ever tries to talk them out of it. When people "know" they don't want kids, people seem to always want to try to talk them out of it.

AMEN! It's dumb, but I get annoyed at the assumption that I'm going to have kids, too. My primary care physician said something about "When you have kids." Made me mad. Like not having them is not a legitimate choice!

[Mrs. Burschman]

Most doctors won't unless you've had multiple kids (my cousin's girlfriend was told they would not do this for her after her first child ten years or so back -- they did when she had her second almost two years ago (surprise!)) They tend to not want to if you're single as well.

I know when I was out of the surgery, the nurses (and some doctors subsequently) were REALLY nasty about the fact that some doctor could be so irresponsible as to "do that to me" when I was so young and had no kids. Um, you know, I did have some say in this, and I was sure... Of course, now I'm doing a heck of a lot worse, even, and the same bunch is telling me that it's a good thing I don't have kids.

This makes me really mad. Sorry. Guess I'm a feminist at heart!

[iheartcats]

When people "know" they want kids, no one ever tries to talk them out of it. When people "know" they don't want kids, people seem to always want to try to talk them out of it.

AMEN! It's dumb, but I get annoyed at the assumption that I'm going to have kids, too. My primary care physician said something about "When you have kids." Made me mad. Like not having them is not a legitimate choice!

I dumped an OB/GYN for this long before my POTS. I was a healthy 25-year old who didn't even want to think about kids until 30+. So frustrating!

I'm glad everyone on here seems to understand each other. I do wish friends and families did understand more as we have medical problems to worry about on top of everything else.