Relationship Advice

[Elfie]

Hello everyone,

I am new to the forum, but have been reading for awhile. I was officially diagnosed with POTS in June of this year but have been having life disrupting symptoms for two years, and severe joint pain for two and a half. It is nice to have a diagnosis, but so far treatment has had little effect. I am a college student and am eight hours away from my family and support system. While I am at school, my support system consists entirely of a handful of friends and my boyfriend.

I try to be fairly independent. I am a full-time student and try to set up my schedule so I can safely drive myself back and forth to my classes. I am not a dirty person and can do some light cleaning. I struggle with laundry because I don't have a washer or dryer in my unit, so that adds a lot of lifting and bending and up and down stairs to my day. I cook and do great if I can use the dishwasher. I try my best not to be a burden on anyone, but there are times I am practically bed bound for days and really like to have someone around.

My boyfriend and I went through a real rough patch a couple of months ago. Essentially, over a period of two years our relationship went from casually dating, to seriously dating, to me supporting him, to him taking advantage of me, to it being more fifty-fifty. We have not been around each other for several months (I was out of town at the Mayo). Prior to my absence, I was getting in trouble for asking him to pick up after himself. A lot of our arguments centered around the fact that he expected to be praised for doing laundry and occasionally doing the dishes, and would get very upset when I would ask him to not leave food in the sink and dirty counters.

While I was away he decided to go looking for a new apartment for the two of us. He signed a lease on an apartment without telling me! I just got back several days ago and was able to see the apartment for the first time. It is a nice apartment, but he really wasn't thinking about me and my health or limitations. First, the place has stairs. There is really no place for me to be able to sit to cook. There is a dishwasher, but it it older and he won't let me run it. If I want to run it or the air conditioner full-time he says that he will no longer pay part of the utilities. He bought a water filter for the sink, but the water is really hard and I still can't drink it, but I am not supposed to purchase bottled water (he or someone else has to go with to carry it and he is tired of it). The apartment is a two bedroom, but he insists on sharing a bedroom and sleeping together even though I don't sleep well with him because he is a violent sleeper. He insisted on building me a desk, which is splintery and comes up to my armpits when I sit down. My biggest concern though is that the only shower in the house is a very small 60s era stall shower. It is very dark, holds steam very badly, and is too small to shave my legs in without folding myself in half. I also cant put a shower chair in the shower. This scares me, because even with short cold showers I regularly pass out in the shower.

He says he wants to do the chores, but he has essentially taken my independence from me. There is very little I can do in this apartment to help out. He doesn't exactly have very hygienic practices (like hand washing with food preparation and bathroom use) and I have a low immune system and often get sick off of food he prepares or the way he keeps house. I am afraid to speak up about any problems because then I am ungrateful.

The apartment is also kind of far away from most of town. When I am not feeling well enough to drive in, I am isolated. He works out of town and I am often alone until 7 or 8 at night. He is usually the only person I am able to see besides my classmates and occasionally one of "his" friends on the weekends. Sometimes he will be out of town for a week with no warning and I can never count on him being home.

Before I got really sick I always used to cook a full meal for him, every night. Now I have a hard time cooking big meals and probably wouldn't attempt anything harder than grilled chicken and or pasta, but he still wants me to cook. I am not even supposed to eat most of the things that he expects me to cook and am supposed to be keeping my meals small. If he cooks he gets very upset if I do not eat it, even though my docs suggested eating a smaller meal earlier than he is home.

He is a very sweet guy and he is thinking marriage. Sometimes he really saves me energy and goes out of his way to help and do sweet things. However, I just feel like I have been put in a bad place with this living situation. Me moving out would probably collapse our relationship. I do love him and need his help and support when I am feeling bad. Sometimes I just feel like he puts me in even worse positions with my health with his my way or the highway attitude that he always pretends like doesn't exist when I confront him.

I'm so sorry for the length of the post, I just really could use some advice.

[Sophia3]

to be blunt, why are you with him?

he sounds thoughtless by making decisions w/o CONSULTING you..that's what a relationship is...or maybe he is a control freak.

Impossible to tell from one post as I know nothing about you or him. but if you are asking, you probably already know he is not the man for you.

People rarely change and unless you LOVE EMOTIONAL roller coasters and psychic vampires, I would be outta there. Good luck

[firewatcher]

Welcome to our dysfunctional family! I hope we can offer the support that you need to better manage your health!

As to managing your relationship, that is touchy! Remember, you ASKED for advice, so here it comes (not just from me!)

A little background before my 2 cents: I got married within two weeks of graduating college, I just thought that was what you were supposed to do. My ex looked like a Michelangelo sculpture, sang like an angel and played guitar like Segovia...those were his ONLY good points. At the time I thought it was enough. Blinding talent and unlimited potential won't get you too far in life with nothing else. He came close to both bankrupting and killing me (health issues, not murder.) He took my health, my money and my self worth (for a long time.)

Here's the advice:

The man you have NOW is the man you marry. HE WILL NOT CHANGE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If he does not consider you now, he still will not once you are married. All of his flaws come with him and you must be able to live with them and him (that includes his parents!) If you cannot do that, don't go near the altar, or that apartment!

sorry.

[Kyler]

Dear Elfie,

I'm not a psychiatrist but I do have some life experience. It sounds like although your boyfriend is supportive at times that he is also a little bit stubborn and selfish. From the sounds of it he also has some control issues. I would be very upset if my partner signed a lease for a new place to live without consulting me - especially if I had a disability to consider. My son has POTS but i have asthma and there are definite issues to consider with both. If you have been together for 2 years he should know at least some of the accomadations that you require.

The other very concerning part of this for me is when i hear and adult (even a young one) say "I got in trouble" for saying or doing something in reference to a relationship. If he gets upset because you ask him to clean up after himself or because you could get ill from lack of AC then he has some issues.

Carrying a case of water up the stairs is a walk in the park for a healthy young man and my husband jumps on me for doing it myself and I don't have POTS.

You have to decide for yourself what the best plan is but keep a few things in mind. The stress he causes you by being selfish or threatening not to pay the bills etc. could make you worse - my son is very sensitive to stress. So could you trying to follow HIS schedule and HIS eating habits to make HIM happy. There has to a give and take in every healthy relationship and it sounds like he just takes.

At a minimum it sounds like you could be safer,healthier, and happier in a different appt. even if you stay with him.

I recently gave up one of my best friendships because I realized that the benifits of the friendship were no where near the emotional cost of holding it together. I got 1 ounce of support for every pound of grief and criticism. It wasn't worth it.

I am healthier because of it and I still cherish the good memories.

Hang in there and let us know how it goes. Feel free to PM if you need to talk more.

Serena

[Tachy Phlegming]

It's that much harder to find the perfect person when you're sick. I don't think you should necessarily rule this person out. You need to figure out what lifestyle accommodations you absolutely need and what you can do without. You also have to be able to discuss these things in a logical fashion. Here are some ideas:

The stairs and the shower part are horrendous given that you can't tolerate them. Can you guys get out of the lease by telling the person that your boyfriend didn't realize how this would impact your disability? You really should try to do that.

If you think you have to do something dangerous for a bit and then he will move out with you -- and you can deal with that -- that could be ok. I think everyone on this forum has been forced into dangerous situations for these types of stupid reasons.

Apparently, this way of life is so hard to understand that nobody healthy amongst family and friends gets it until they see you suffer excruciating agony (some don't get it even then, but this guy sounds trainable). (The only pretty good way around this dangerousness is to be with people who have terrible health problems; they usually do not need much explanation.)

If you absolutely can't live with stairs or that shower for any length of time, you just can't live with him for now.

If that is the case, he and you should both realize that being alone for now is going to be more expensive for both of you. If you love him and there is any way for you to be with him, in a different place or in that place, it may be better than your alternative.

As far as everything apart from the stairs and the shower -- these are things you have to learn how to divide properly so that neither of you resents the other.

Your principles which have nothing to do with your health -- this preoccupation with cleanliness (except as impacts your health as detailed below) and this interest in who supports whom or takes avantage of whom has got to go.

It's more important to have someone you love who loves you and will be there for you. When you're sick, you don't want to hear about what he has to do for you. You can also afford to thank him. I somehow don't believe that he would refuse to do dishes when a bunch of them pile up. I think you can wait for that. If dirty dishes are so horrible to you from an esthetic point of view that it must be done right after a meal, I think you should make a supreme effort to take care of them yourself.

As far as finances, I think you'll be better off paying what you need for your disability yourself if you possibly can (if he can deal with the freezing cold, he's a keeper). Then, have him take care of more normal things he will not resent.

If you can pay utilities, do it.

Now, on the other side -- he has to buy his food -- and probably yours too because you eat less -- and he has to buy and bring up your water. He has to prepare his own food, and you should probably do yours when you can. If and when he cooks for you, he has to adhere to hygienic practices.

Wake him up when he is violent.

Tell him to sand the desk and build you a proper chair or get a high chair ...

[erikainorlando]

Boy - there must be a moon somewhere that is causing all these relaitonship issues!!

You could read my post about my own relationship...I am much older than you and still have troubles in this department. I don't think I would move to that apt tho...doesn't sound good for you. I don't have any advice on staying or leaving. But I think you need to put your health first.

You will hear plenty of good things here. It is a great group!! Welcome.

Erika

[Sophia3]

be careful the advice about waking up somebody who is VIOLENT. He could have sleep terrors or some other severe sleep disorders going on.

Besides, you don't want to stay with somebody so unstable UNLESS you LOVE DRAMA..many people do.

Not me

Here is a link about sleep terrors

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/...70801091411.htm

It's rare but folks can get VERY violent in sleep (not saying this will happen to you) but SLEEP IN SEPARATE ROOM! Do NOT try to awaken him as he is most likely going to experience arousal confusion

My ex sleep doctor in the 90's studied a patient who murdered somebody in his sleep...it was a very complex case as the guy left his house...can't remember the final verdict...but my sleep doctor was on Oprah talking about it...

Between your boyfriends treatment of you WHILE AWAKE, his thoughtlessness, and the sleep junk, who NEEDS THAT? YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

[potsgirl]

Elfie,

It doesn't sound like you signed this new lease, did you? If not, you are not responsible for living there or paying for anything. What happened to your old apartment? Can you get back there?

As I read your entry, I got more and more concerned. Red flags everywhere - it certainly sounds to me like you are in an abusive relationship. Your boyfriend sounds extremely controlling and that he limits your access to other people to a great extent. He's trying to force you into things that harm your health - I don't see love in that. Love means wanting the best for our partners, emotionally, physically, and mentally. Your boyfriend does not seem to meet any of these criteria. These are not small issues. They are extremely important to your health and well-being. My blunt opinion is that I would get myself out of that situation as fast as possible. Go home and recoup, whatever you need to give yourself some distance from this guy and be able to think independently. See a counselor. Would he go with you to one? I'm guessing not.

I'm very concerned for you, and please get some help for your well-being. You've come to the right place for caring, supportive people.

Take care of yourself!

Jana

[Elfie]

Thank you all for replying. I'm sorry to have had to make this my first post at the forum.

I hope that I did not come off as someone that does not appreciate all the things that my boyfriend helps me with. Rather it is the opposite. I try to always show my thanks for him when he helps me with something. I also hope I did not come off as someone who is anal retentive and has these insane standards that I expect him to meet. I really am just concerned about how his actions affect my health and what I am able to do. It is a difficult situation for me, because I like being independent and do not like to rely on him or have to be a nag. However, everything that he is doing for me now I have done for him in the past, even when I was sick. Now that I am more ill and not in as good of a setup (apartment wise) I am having to rely on him to do things and fight with him for what I need done, or to accept things that really aren't safe and sanitary (roaches and stairs). I took care of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and much more while he struggled during a difficult job transition. However, now that it is his turn to return the favor and help out around the house I feel like I am walking on eggshells about what I say and what I do. He seems to think that cooking me dinner outweighs the fact that he gave me mild food poisoning because of how he handled the chicken he cooked. He gets upset when I refuse to cook dinner because the pan i need is still in the sink from last night and has a cockroach in it because he did not wash it although he said he would. He gets angry when I ask him to take off his boots at the door or yell when I step on the rocks he tracked in, because he won't vacuum before the week is up and I can't do it. So I have to prevent it from happening ( I have balance issues and walking barefoot in the house reduces the amount of bruises I get from smacking into doorjambs and such).

Worried Mom-- Thank you so much for your understanding. You have got it exactly right. At times he can be very supportive, and at others, well, not so much. It was so nice to hear that your husband likes to help you out with heavy things (how chivalrous), none of the men in my family are that way. And your right, the water is very easy work for him, as are most of the other heavy jobs he does around the house. He can clean the entire house in two hours, a job that takes me about four, if I can manage at all. Stress is one of the biggest factors with my health. I really appreciate your kindness.

Tacky Phlegming -- Unfortunately, I believe our new landlord is a bit of a jerk, and since my name is not on the lease and my disability issues were not discussed, he seems pretty rigid.

I really would love to train him. However, I am still working on things like washing your hands after you use the toilet. He is very concerned and wants to help when I am in pain, and he knows what causes the pain, but he cannot seem to not put me in situations that will cause pain. Example: He knows that I do not do well after about eight o'clock at night. This is normally fine as he gets up early to go to work so we usually come home around nine at least if he is working the next day. However, if he is not working, he will keep me out to all hours of the night because he is enjoying himself. Just two days ago we cut short plans with a friend of mine because it was getting late and he had to work (for once I was feeling fine and would have liked to stay). So, he gets the concept of preventing pain and side effects when in comes to himself, but not to me. I have offered to stay home, but he always promises we will go home when I want to and then he strands me somewhere.

Being alone would be more expensive for the both of us. That is part of the reason that our relationship would probably end if I decided I would not live in this apartment. He has locked himself into a contract that it would be difficult for him to pay without me. So I feel like I am hurting him by not moving in.

I really am not preoccupied with cleanliness. When I was talking about cleanliness standards, they were all potential health issues. I do not expect everything to be neat, spotless, and sanitized. I do not mind a few dishes left in the sink. I just always rinse the food out of mine (so it doesn't rot and smell in the dishes). I also don't leave so many that the sink is completely useless for doing other things until the dishes are done (i.e. piled so high I can't wash vegetables or get a big glass of water out of the faucet or fill a tea kettle). The main reason that the dishes and food messes (like sauce and cereal left smeared on the counters and sitting in the sink) are a concern are because of cockroaches. The area of the country we live in is full of them. Having no food laying around is the key to keeping them out. Any apartment in town is susceptible, but you don't usually have a problem unless food is left like he leaves it. He has attracted them in the past. That is the issue. I think we all would agree that that is a health issue. I always rinse my own dishes and load the dishwasher or handwash them if it is just a couple and I feel up to it and always keep food in its place and wipe counters clean. No double standard here. Other things involve things like taking work clothes off before sitting on the furniture (fiberglass insulation and excema don't mix!) and taking boots off at the door so I am not stepping on rocks and mud.

I really don't feel I should have to pay all of the utilities. I am not keeping the apartment freezing. I just want it to be room temperature so no one is sweating. He may be able to live with it being 80 in the house all the time and 105 outside, but he is definitely benefiting from the AC. I just feel when the agreement was to split utilities 50/50, a normal personal would expect to be able to run all the appliances the apartment comes with without taking on sole responsibilities for those bills. I want to run the dishwasher so I can help out more.

He is in no way paying for anything. I pay for most the food. I still do most of the cooking (even if I burn it or myself because of POTsyness). In the old apartment I was doing the dishes and cleaning more, but he has made that really difficult.

Sophia, don't worry he doesn't have night terrors. I know what you are speaking of. My father has had those for years and can get very violent, to the point of cutting and trying to asphyxiate my mother when she has tried to wake him, as well as doing dangerous things while sleepwalking. My boyfriend is not that kind of violent. He is just like sleeping with some little kids. He flails around and kicks and hits while he is doing it, as well as putting his body weight (and heat) on the other person and sometimes shoving them off the bed. He isn't a serious danger, except for a few bruises and my quality of sleep. He wasn't always like this, but it seems as his own life has gotten less stressful he sleeps less exhausted and more like a kiddo. I'm not allowed to wake him up as he has to be at work slightly earlier than me, so apparently his sleep is more important than mine (grrr).

[Tachy Phlegming]

That sounds like an impossible situation, either way.

If you don't do it, I expect you will feel guilty.

If you do, you'll be itching (with a high heartrate from climbing stairs) while eating fried roaches with salmonella sauce prepared by yours truly (when you're not out late wishing you were home to splinter yourself on the desk, faint in the shower and then go to bed to feel those heated kicks in the night).

It sounds like a hard call. Physical discomfort can take priority over love and things you could ignore if you weren't sick. On the other hand, you should think through what it would be like living in a different arrangement before deciding.

I guess I would still think about asking the landlord if you could find another tenant for the place and then be released if that is at all possible. Despite some of the unpleasantness of living with him, it sounded like your real issue was with the place he chose as opposed to his cooking talent and night wrestling activities.

[Sophia3]

Never get yourself caught between a man?s actions and his promises.

Or lack thereof.

Only you can decide if you want peace or conflict. Good luck

[mjan]

Oh dear Elfie... HUGS to you !!!!

YOU come first.. always...always..always.

ASK yourself this.. AM I settling? Am I settling for the crumbs of niceties he offers?

What was the BIGGEST clue to me.. is when you said you have to walk on EGGSHELLS!!!

Why is this a clue? Cuz he is training you up that first and foremost .. HE COMES FIRST..always..always!!!

You fit in when its convenient for HIM.. and you must remain convenient for hIM..his ways..his lifestyle..etc

It WILL GET WORSE once you move in. I can almost guarantee it.

You may need for reconsider many goals in your life.. but its YOUR LIFE...AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU

[mjan]

Oh dear Elfie... HUGS to you !!!!

YOU come first.. always...always..always.

ASK yourself this.. AM I settling? Am I settling for the crumbs of niceties he offers?

What was the BIGGEST clue to me.. is when you said you have to walk on EGGSHELLS!!!

Why is this a clue? Cuz he is training you up that first and foremost .. HE COMES FIRST..always..always!!!

You fit in when its convenient for HIM.. and you must remain convenient for hIM..his ways..his lifestyle..etc

It WILL GET WORSE once you move in. I can almost guarantee it.

You may need for reconsider many goals in your life.. but its YOUR LIFE...AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU

I did not mean to end it the way I did.. hit something accidently and it flew away.

I am feeling so sick inside for you. I am scared for you even more. I do not want you to find out the hard way..how much worse its going to get.

Is he the charming type? Is he likeable to most? Does he have mood swings? Is he sorry then..make promises..make you FEEL BETTER but then change again?

PLEASE...do not settle.. YOU and YOUR health MUST come first. WE're here for you.. you are never alone ok hun?

Warmly Jan

[bkweavers]

Dear Elfie,

First of all, welcome to the forum! You've come to the right place with people who understand why you need a place to sit to cook and why you want a good shower that you can comfortably sit in without passing out! All of those things seem reasonable and correct to me who lives with someone with POTS.

I want you to read your last message. There were so many negative aspects about this relationship that you pointed out. Believe me, if a man REALLY loves and cares about you, he doesn't have the attitude of my way or the highway. A healthy relationship has that. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around a person who loves you. Frankly, it sounds very stressful to me for you to be living like that.

I think you really know what you should do but are having a hard time breaking it off. Obviously, I'm only going by what you wrote here and only you can make the decision that is right for you. I would agree with those on the forum that are worried about and for you. What's Wrong With Me is right in saying that you and your health must come first.

Brenda

[yogini]

I try to stay objective in reading posts, because we never know the full story. But you said you supported him, he took advantage of you and now that things are more equal b/c of your health, he is complaining about having to do things. He also went and signed a new lease and didn't take into consideration your needs.

It doesn't sound like much of a partnership. If that's what you're looking for, you're probably in the wrong place. If you add in the cleanliness factor, maybe you just aren't that compatible. The good thing about him signing the lease is that your name isn't on it - which will make it easier to leave if that's what you decide to do.

[daisy]

Hello and welcome....I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

I just want you to read back something you wrote:

"I am having to rely on him to do things and fight with him for what I need done, or to accept things that really aren't safe and sanitary (roaches and stairs)."

If you have to fight for something you need, then is that really love? Remember, in sickness and in health. Of course, our significant others get frustrated and overwhelmed but

we should never have to fight them for what keeps us healthy and safe.

I know it won't be easy but I think you have answered your own questions in your response.

All the best to you.

[potsgirl]

Daisy,

Well said. After reading Elfie's second post, I agree completely.

[Tachy Phlegming]

I have never known healthy people who can get a handle on how I have to live right from when I tell them. They hear that I can't have heat or tolerate certain smells. They don't understand that I have to refuse to go to hot places all the time.

It's happened with romantic interests and with my parents.

My point is just that right now, the person you are contemplating sending on his way may be replaced by someone or by conditions only marginally better. I have found the lifestyle and mental considerations of physically healthy people as difficult and ridiculous as they have found mine and I have also found finding decent living conditions extremely difficult to arrange. Compared to the people on this forum, healthy people seem like they are from a different planet.

The psychology of physically healthy people doesn't allow them to understand how people who tell them they are sick (yet appear normal) can possibly have such striking physiological differences as to make a hot shower or stairs unworkable (ignoring for a moment this guy's delight in salmonella-infected cockroach pets who travel around with little fiberglass backpacks).

I have found that physically sick people with similar needs or complementary ones are a real dream -- but it's impossible to have a normal life with them and it ends up being unworkable.

I think the practical considerations you are dealing with are just hard and I don't like the blanket approach everyone else on here is recommending for you.

I don't know how attracted you are to this person but if you are in love with him, you might think of still dating him. I do agree that if you absolutely can't live in these conditions, move elsewhere now, but I wouldn't write him off so easily.

I have had to do things as drastic as not living with people I wanted to live with, before people started to understand. It has been costly. I would have liked to find ways around these situations but did whatever I could to minimize effects on other people -- but still incurred some social costs for leaving hot places.

[Sophia3]

If one repeatedly goes from one abusive situation to another, the common denominator is YOU and the choices you make in partners.

Folks are giving blanket statements because she asked and there are too many RED FLAGS to explain to the unenlightened.

But peace of mind and being a lone is always better than being with somebody with conflict/drama/abusive/bad behavior.

Some people do not LOVE THEMSELVES ENOUGH to have HIGHER STANDARDS. Learn to love yourself first, treat others by the Golden Rule. If you repeatedly attract cruel people find therapy or read books to find out WHY. It can be done.

you have to learn to be selfish in HEALTHY ways AND give love to those worthy (that you want to live with or be with) There is a difference between that and being narcisstic and complaining too much....all which we can't tell from a message board.

But living with hostility, thoughtlessness and cockroaches is something nobody deserves.

The end.

[Tachy Phlegming]

My concern for Elfie is really to maximize her physical comfort and make sure she doesn't end a relationship because of a disease. If she ends up in her own apartment, is she going to be better able to afford air conditioning? Does she have unlimmited financial resources? Would she be with this person if she were healthy and does she have to give him up just because of illness? Will she be better off being with this person because she is ill and can't do everything herself?

I completely disagree with some of the other comments. I love myself and have extremely high standards which at this point have been fulfilled (I live under 70 degrees most of the year).

This illness gets terrible reactions from a lot of people and Elfie's beau sounds ok by comparison.

Going from person to person who "abuses" you is par for the course. Often, well-meaning people have to be convinced to do the right thing by us. That takes time.

Even think about doctors who are supposed to help people. People on here went to them for help repeatedly are and, in my view, got abuse. They were told that they had mental illness when they don't have it. They were locked up, told they had Munchausen syndrome, conversion disorder, and given Risperidone and Haldol for insisting they were sick.

They had to keep going back for more "abuse" in order to try to function physically. You can't really hang on to conventional psychological wisdom when just existing in "normal" conditions for us entails suffering.

I am suggesting a balanced way to deal with it. I have found that my way works quite well without books or therapy (eventually). The alternatives can be worse especially if you don't have the financial wherewithal to get exactly what you need.

Edited August 22, 2009 by Sunfish
forum guideline adherance

[Elfie]

Thank you all for taking an interest in my post and providing some advice. I just started my new semester at school, so along with travel, and that stress, I have been going crazy over yucky stuff. To top it all off it is 103 degrees here, so i'm not feeling well. Shower or no shower I have been blacking and passing out. I am going to break this post up by info brought up by each responder, but please feel free to read them all.

Potsgirl- You are correct, I did not sign the lease and am in no way legally responsible to live there. However, if I do not move in, it will be a very large financial strain on my boyfriend to pay the rent by himself. That alone could end up ending our relationship. This could cause some strain on my relationship with our shared friends because he and I did have an agreement to live together and share the rent this year. He moved us out of our old apartment without telling me. The contract was up in September, but the landlord let him out of it early and already has another renter in there. I thought we were going to extend our contract with our previous landlord or go looking for a slightly larger place in September. He actually loves counselors. He has tried to get me to see one before, because he felt like I had abused him. He said this because before I was diagnosed I had gotten the flu and had a horrible high heart rate racing heart and chest pain and thought I was having a heart attack and literally thought I was dying and he had to take me to the emergency room. I would love to go home, but if I can stick it out with him or somewhere else down here I will try so I don't lose my scholarship and my tuition money from this semester.

Tachy - I would feel guilty if I moved out. Most of the problem is the place he chose. Part of it is that this could have been prevented by ASKING me. Another part is that his behavior is affecting my health. It is hard for me to take the trash out here, as I have to go up the stairs with carrying a full bag or can, then climb a steep hill with it, lift a dumpster lid, and then lift the trash. I am about to go break down and do that in the 103 degree heat because the trash has been full for 3 days ---- and now he is propping the lid open and having the food trash overflow onto the floor. But he can't throw it in the back of his truck and drop it off on his way to work. Talk about cockroach city! Two days ago I was starting the dishes and he offered to do them. I accepted and went and laid down because I wasn't feeling well. Well, there is still a sinkful of dishes. Now they are all smelly. To top it off, there are three bowls that are mine in the whole sink. Most of the dishes are his Tupperware containers from work, with half the rotten food still in them. I'm sorry, I don't mind doing the dishes but nobody, especially no one who is immunodeficient and nauseous all the time needs that! That's a problem too. Grrr.

Whatswrong- You described him very well. He is well liked. No one has anything bad to say about him. He is very sweet. He is always loving on me and making promises. If more of them came true it would be really nice. He likes recognition for anything he accomplishes (from washing his own truck to folding socks), but go out of his way to do things.

Yogini- I understand that it is very hard to get the full story, especially since it is one sided. After all, I could be some crazy lady. Essentially, about six months after we got together, my boyfriend got company closed down without warning and the family members that he was living with at the time asked him to leave because they were expecting a new addition to the family and needed the extra space. Both of these things were unexpected and had followed a family emergency that had drained his savings. He took a job in my town that payed better than his last job. I offered to let him stay with me (at the time I was not set up to have long term guests but worked it out temporarily) for two to three weeks (which equated to two to three paychecks) so he could save up some money for a deposit on an apartment and first and last months' rent. He never received his last few paychecks from his old boss and therefore, I payed for his groceries and gas and other expenses the first week of his new job. What he didn't tell me was the fact that he was in credit card debt. He ended up staying with me for 7 weeks and I payed all his expenses and some of his bills (credit, insurance, and phone when he was short). He also put me in a bad situation with him overstaying his welcome with my landlord. I found out later he had two other people he could have stayed with. Within a couple of months he had his credit cards paid off and had his savings built back up in the bank. He was supposed to begin paying me back. We move back in together in a apartment that were shared this time. He was working out of town. I did all the shopping, all the laundry, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the dishes, and baked for him weekly as per his request. The problem was that I was still paying some of his bills, buying all the food, and paying for dates if I wanted to go on one. In the past 2 years he has cost me about 5,000 to 7,000 dollars in excess. In the past few months since my condition has worsened he has started to do more of the cleaning, has taken care of the laundry, and we split the shopping. However, we still only go out with his friends, I still pay for a lot of things (slightly more than half) and do about half the work. Now that I am not doing all of the work I have to live filth. I am just afraid as I am able to do less and less work I will have to live in worse conditions. I am not very dirty. I may leave my books on the bed and my knitting on the couch, but I don't leave muddy clothes on the floor or rotten food on the counters. I am also able to do less because of the apartment he chose. I feel guilty that he has to do stuff for me and I feel guilty that I have to always ask him.

Tacky and Daisy- My mom does understand POTs, but she is truly busy and there are things that get forgotten and put to the wayside. She loves me and gets it, but this still happens. People have there own lives and are busy and can't always think about and cater to my needs. I understand that. I don't expect that of my boyfriend. I just expect someone to ask me if something is ok instead of forcing it on me and to exercise common courtesy when you are living with another person, like not leaving trash and dishes around.

I really appreciate all of the support and sweetness. Like I said, I am a long way away from family and friends and some of you seem so kind and wise. I am going to sit down with him tonight about trying to get out of the lease, or what we can do for cheap to make the apartment Elfie friendly, or whether I should stay or not. It is hard because he is my best friend, after we started dating most of my other friends weren't as close or are also his friends, but are more loyal to him. I have never ever see him treat his friends the way he treats me, he treats them like kings and queens. Something the fact that I forgive him or something. He can be so emotional sometimes with me and doesn't think rationally.

[Sunfish]

Ladies -

While I realize that all who have responded mean well in their own way, I need to remind everyone of the importance of ALWAYS maintaining an attitude of kindness, courtesy and respect toward other members. The relevant portion of the Forum Rules, for newer folks who have not read them & for any who might need a refresher, state the following:

Respect For Others

A tone of kindness is appreciated in all discussions. Please do not post information regarding anyone else's health without first obtaining that person's permission. You agree, through the use of DINET's services, that you will not post condescending, defamatory, obscene, offensive, violent, racist, profane or illegal material on this forum. DINET encourages you to use good judgment, but please do not be judgmental in posts.

You agree to refrain from flame wars, debates and the discussion of "hot topics," which are likely to provoke debates. Common hot topics include, but are not limited to, politics, abortion and religion. Asking for prayer is allowed, but please do not use this forum to promote your religious beliefs. Posts dealing with sex-related issues should have a tone of maturity.

DINET's forum has a built in censor that removes profanity and replaces it with "****." Attempts to bypass the censor by the misspelling of inappropriate words will be edited.

Clarification: The following definitions are provided to clarify DINET's forum rules. However, DINET's forum rules are not necessarily limited to these definitions. Definitions are from The American Heritage Dictionary of English Language, Fourth Edition.

Condescending: 1. "Displaying a patronizingly superior attitude."

Defamatory: "To damage the reputation, character, or good name of by slander or libel."

Obscene: "1. Offensive to accepted standards of decency or modesty. 2. Inciting lustful feelings; lewd. 3. Repulsive; disgusting."

Offensive: "1. Causing anger, displeasure, resentment, or affront. 2. Making an attack. b. Of, relating to, or designed for attack."

Violent: "1. Accomplished by force: coercive, forcible. 2. Extreme in degree, strength, or effect: desperate, fierce, furious, intense, terrible, vehement."

Racist: "1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others. 2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race."

Profane: "1. To treat with irreverence. 2. To put to an improper, unworthy, or degrading use; abuse."

Illegal: "1. Prohibited by law. 2. Prohibited by official rules."

Judgmental: "1. Of, relating to, or dependent on judgment. 2. Inclined to make judgments, especially moral or personal ones."

Public Disagreements with Other Members

You agree that if you ever have a disagreement with another forum member you will not attempt to persuade other members to take your side of the argument or publicly post about it on this or any other forum, blog or website. Please be mature and talk to any member you disagree with privately.

The rules in their entirety can be found via a link at the upper left portion of the forum screen &/ or directly via the following link: DINET Forum Rules.

This discussion thread has started to veer off in the wrong direction and all posts in violation of the the above-specified rules will be edited (modified &/or deleted) accordingly.

Consider this the "friendly (yet serious) reminder" both collectively and to any/ all individuals needing said reminder. If subsequent posts continue to be problematic they will be deleted without warning and if the problem persists discussion-wide the thread will be closed for further comment and/or deleted entirely.

Thank you for your understanding & cooperation. As always an questions can be directed toward the forum administrator (Nina aka MightyMouse) and/or any or all of the moderators (myself: Melissa aka Sunfish, Rachel, & flop).

melissa aka Sunfish, Head Moderator

p.s. to Elfie: know that your original post & question was in no way in violation of forum rules. i wish you the best in the midst of what is undoubtedly a very difficult situation and encourage you to remember that - first & foremost - you have to be able to stay safe - physically AND mentally/ emotionally - and to take care of yourself & your health at at least a basic level before ALL else. ((hugs))

[Elfie]

WOW!

I was still working on my post when the last two appeared. I appreciate the concern but believe me, this is not something to hurt each others feelings over. I wouldn't want to cause anyone to have bad feeling over my issue. Both of you have excellent points.

I would be thrilled with the apartment had I not been sick (the rent is a little cheaper than most places this size because of the weird parts). I would be more willing to deal with the hygiene issues or complain and fight about it. I wouldn't have stress or feel guilty. I would be able to go out on my own and I would not have any problems with him being controlling.

I also would have no financial issues, could live cheaper, and would be working. One of the reasons we originally moved in together was to save money. However, that hasn't worked out well for me. I have routinely had to pay both parts of a split bill to keep a service I need from being shut off. Before meeting my boyfriend I had savings and was working. I can no longer work due to POTs and joint pain and he has drained my savings. My mom and dad and three of my grandparents are putting away money here and there to send me to school and pay for my living expenses. This is a new situation, before a couple of months ago I was mostly paying my own way. I refuse to give him any more money, and I could probably afford to live alone, but I am trying to save money anywhere I can. I have also had other horrible roommates in the past.

So, in the end I am struggling to make a decision. Sometimes I live with a person that treats me well, sometimes badly. Moving out would simplify my life in some ways and make it more complicated in others.

[Sophia3]

Picking a doctor is NOTHING like picking a boyfriend. You are at the mercy of a quick face to face visit and a snap judgement with MDs and can only maintain a certain amount of control in the situation due to communications snafus (thru front desk, office people, voice mail, etc)..good or bad, depending on the doctors knowledge of the autonomic nervous system.

Tachy

you completely misunderstood my intent. I have had more struggles in 19 years than you can imagine with situations. Sometimes, life stinks..the deal is, can we sometimes fix the stink or learn to live with it?

A personal relationship with friends or others is TOTALLY our choice. The medical system, depending on insurance companies...um..not so much. thus your sniping and attacks at my life are UNWARRANTED.

Sorry Elfie...just want you to be safe.

and no we can't afford cold AC in this house..78 and lots of fans in each room and ice water/Gatorade..and 100% cotton lightweight dresses. At night down to 76. or 75 in these high dewpoints!

Peace out Peeps

Edited August 22, 2009 by Sunfish
forum guideline adherance

[erik]

He might be really screwed up or just mildly so (as is the norm) and having trouble with a tough situation. Little things can snowball even amongst otherwise healthy people... or people can mask serious problems and appear otherwise ok at most times. In some ways it doesn't even help to build up such notions of people... we are all quite broken or breakable in the end.

On the whole, he appears to be as immature as most are in those years (I'm assuming he's a young lad, perhaps he isn't?). It would be rare for someone to have the natural skills to operate well in a relationship at that age even without complications of chronic illness. I would expect that your facing extra challenges has made you more mature than most, by necessity... so you're going to have an edge in that regard but this won't necessarily help (and don't let it feed a condescension).

At a glance, injecting my personal bias and experiences, I'd say it would most likely be best to withdraw as gracefully as possible from an overly intimate relationship. Perhaps you two can maintain a decent situation or perhaps it would mean an end to it. The "ideal picture" that comes to my mind is that you two restore and maintain a friendship and he is able to mature to the point of having more helpful participation in your life. It is not your "job" to make that happen, and trying to do so is as likely to drive him away as it is to help. Sometimes there is a little art to getting closer... it doesn't always take a direct approach and the best friendships and loves usually are the kind that "sneak up on you" rather than those based on overt passion or even palpable attraction. Unfortunately those are oft recognized after the fact.

It is very valuable that you are able to manage in college, and so wonderful that your family is able to help you with this. I don't know what all the options are (and there are likely serious limitations of options), but as cold as this sounds (and I am comfortable with being called cold I personally recommend living with some loneliness, if doing so allows you to continue a college "career". I would worry that you could get sucked into a bad picture that ends up destroying that opportunity. In short, I would recommend building a simple and sustainable basic living arrangement that accommodates your college progress... and insulate what you have going for you even at the cost of lost relationships. Everyone makes such compromises in life, and with a complicated condition it is both more difficult and more important to do so. But nonetheless, it can be the wisest route in the end... not guaranteed... not easy... not fun. Just real. Most live "fantasy lives" in college... some cannot afford to do so.