Relationship Advice

[mjan]

Oh my dear Elfie.. you are young and need him right?

You think of HIM..more than you.. right?

Trying to keep HIM happy..more than you..right?

He fits ALL the characteristics of something much scarier.

When I said.. I bet he is charming..well liked.. makes promises..rarely if ever keeps them

mosly likely never admits he's wrong..

never truly sincerely apologizes if he did hurt you.. and on.. and on its beause I am seeing a pattern with him.

OH.. he may promise you.. conjole you.. but honestly.. does he make a single change for you?????

This is the pattern of a sick relationship not a loving..giving partnership where YOUR needs are met

God forbid.. you are headed for Domestic violence

Oh .. he may not HIT you..not right away.. maybe he'll never hit you..

But has he ever slapped you.. pushed you.. has he?

Has he tried to control what you are doing.. who you are with.. where you go?

Does he want YOU to only see and be with him? And no other friends.. or even family?

Does he make you feel so special to him.. you choose NOT to be with no others but him??

Does he ever put you down.. call you names..say he's sorry..then..does it again.. and again.

Do you ever blame YOU for the way he acts.. feels..as if its all YOUR fault??

Be careful..cuz he WILL..he'll hurt you.. shove you.. slap you..one day.

You are struggling with a nasty challenging disease.. and that is the hold he has over you.

He would NEVER treat a MAN the way he treats you..

He wouldn't dare.. and get away with it.. so why does he treat YOU the way he does?

Sadly.. I am afraid..you're going to find out for yourself.

For you see Elfie.. we dont have feelings for him of course as you do.

Do me a favor ok? If you wanna. I know this is so hard to hear right now.

Write down ALL the reasons you like/love him.

Write down ALL the things you do not like.. wish he would change.

Can you honestly ACCEPT him just as he is?? KNowing it may just get worse?

He will NEVER change.. he heats up.. acts nice.. then well..not nice.. mean

blaming you.. and on and on..until he gets his hold on you.

My heart breaks for you.. I am truly scared for you..but remember.. I care ok hon?

Jan

[Tachy Phlegming]

I don't think this person's heart is in the wrong place. He has been improving. He has to get used to doing the trash and some more kitchen cleaning. I just think there is a way to do that. I think Erik's second paragraph got it right. I get the impression that this person doesn't have experience and doesn't have financial resources. I think there are a lot of people in college like that. Most probably aren't suited for apartment living at that point but they may yet be quality people.

Sophia, sorry about that. Maybe we come from different experiences.

I didn't realize you lived in 78 degrees with high dew points and thought you had more exacting standards than I. While I may seem to stick around too long, in fact, I could not be where you are and have left physical situations like that.

Probably because of my extremely low tolerance to certain weather conditions, I feel that I have to really compromise in many other areas and I do so.

Moreover, I find it difficult to make the distinction you find so clear. My friends and family repeated at me what my doctors said precisely because my doctors said it; so, even if I could choose friends and family, what they said and did was premised on something about which I had no choice. I have no reason to believe any other friend would have behaved any differently.

It's hard to gauge where Elfie fits in these patterns but it seems that all of us end up making decisions according to what we can tolerate physically and how best to maintain school or career expectations along with a social life. I expect that she will end up making the decision which most enhances her life at this juncture.

Edited March 7, 2010 by Tachy Phlegming
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[delphicdragon]

Sweet, sweet Elfie-

My heart is breaking for you. WhatsWrongWithMe got it right, you need to ask yourself those questions. Being sick stinks. And, I think, you're young, and want someone there with you. I totally understand, I'm 25, and I remember those college days well. I stayed with someone who lied to me, treated me badly, and blamed me for being sick, because I didn't have the confidence to say "I deserve better". You deserve better! Your illness is not, in any way, your fault! You've got to remember that. You are a strong woman and deserve to be treated like a princess. You shouldn't have to put up with cockroaches or carrying heavy bags in your condition - it will only make things worse for you.

I realize you don't see that right now, it took me a long time to realize that I needed to focus on ME first, before I could focus on him (or anyone). I thought that he was just trying to be sweet to me, but the things HE called caring, were actually not even close. I paid his bills because "the loan company screwed up". I cooked for him, I cleaned, I was there at a moments notice. He reciprocated only enough to keep me on his hook. He was actually making me sicker, in an insidious fashion. I had no idea! He was an amazingly popular man, who was loved by everyone. I was his accessory. My illness did not fit into his ideal box, and he did everything to sabotage my recovery (even deny me food I could eat). And it did progress into physical violence. I'm not saying this is the case for you - but it IS something you need to think about and have at the back of your mind. Look up Narcissistic Personality / Borderline personality disorder. See if he fits - mine was textbook.

I hope you can take an account of why you're with him. If you start listing things like "he's the best I'll get" or "because he takes care of me" - take a second to rethink what you're saying. There is always a better man out there, who WILL take your illness into account and be a supportive force in your life. You should not define yourself by your man. Look at your life right now- if he were to leave, what would you have? He has isolated you from your friends (you hang out with his mostly). He claims you abused him when you were sick (yes, I got this statement too) How is illness abuse? It's not your fault you got the flu - would he have called it abuse if the tables were turned and he was the sick one?? I don't think so.

I didn't want to be alone. I figured any man was better than no man at all. You may feel the same way - and that's okay. Being alone is scary. I hated it! But I needed the time to realize that I was the most important person in my life. You are first and foremost. Everything you do should be to make you into a better you.This is a huge concept, I know that. I'm not saying become conceited or egotistical - just focused on your own needs. If you're feeling cruddy, he shouldn't MAKE you go out. You should go out because you WANT to go out, and only you should make that determination.

Elfie, if you have a good friend or a pastor who can give you an outside perspective, I urge you to talk to them. Even a counselor, but go alone first - and explain this to them - and see what they have to say. I know you care for him - that's clear, but does he care for you? PM me if you want to talk - I'll gladly share my phone number and we can chat that way too. Take care sweetie. I know it's a lot to process right now.

Sara

[Elfie]

I just wanted to thank everyone here on the forum for caring enough to give me such good advice. I really struggled with making this decision, but looking back on this, the choice should have been really clear. I was really worried about hurting a relationship that was no good for me and hurting someone that often wasn't concerned about hurting me. I spent a week trying to work things out and rectify the situation while he spent a week manipulating me and keeping me from getting the sleep I needed. We are no longer together but have decided to stay "friends." He, however, defines friends as in "friends-with-benefits" while I definitely do not. Therefore, I definitely need to find a new place to live. I had something lined up, but the broker has apparently decided to stop communicating with me on the property (it was all set, I just had to go in to sign the contract, so I don't know if she gave the place away or what). I am having problems finding a new place to live. The college students have moved in and bought up the apartments! Now I have a sinus infection caused by my allergies to the couch and the carpet in the place. Oh well, too little too late. I really appreciate all of the support. Thank you all!

[Mrs. Burschman]

Good for you! I, for one, am proud of you.

The lack of air conditioning would have done me in within four hours.

[Elfie]

LOL! It just about did me in too! When I went to the doctor today they took my heart rate and it was 160 b.p.m. sitting. That is the lowest it has been in weeks.

[firewatcher]

Elfie! You are truly a strong and wonderful person and deserve so much more than he ever gave you! I am proud of you! Stick with it and don't look back. Good luck with the apartment, and stay strong.

((((((((((sqeeeeeely girl hug!))))))))))))))))

[potsgirl]

Elfie,

Congratulations! You should be very proud of yourself for making a good, healthy decision that was best for you and your needs. Is there a friend you could stay with for a week or so while you find a new place? I'm sure there's a great apartment out there just waiting for you. You've made a responsible choice, and I'm excited for your future. Just stick with it and get the **** outta Dodge.

Cheers,

Jana

[Mrs. Burschman]

My advice: Find as small of an apartment as you can. You'll save money on rent, you'll save money on AC, and it will be faster to clean! Just make sure it has a tub, though!