How Do You Say No?

[Kitsakatsa]

Okay y'all, here's the sitch- I have workaholic parents who own their own business. They are just like me (no sleep, all work, no fun, no exercise, no life). The problem is, they seem to understand all about POTS but forget all of that when it comes to work that needs to be done. I have full time work, part time school and full time POTS. My life is freakin' rough most of the time. Plus, I'm on salary which means I have to work well over 40 hours a week to keep my job.

The first thing they do if find more work for me to do!!! I think they think I am their slave for life. I live on my own an hour away and they will come and get me so that I can do work for them. I think I could feel just a little better if I could escape the "when are you coming out/when are we coming to get you Friday afternoon abduction! Forget about having a social life!!

Everytime I tell them that I am too tired, need down time, etc, I get phone calls at midnight with my mom saying she is still working, etc and that will last all week long. Then, my mom will say that she is sick now and I feel guilty all over the place. My mom says she has no one that they can turn to (my sib doesn't return their phone calls) and it seems that I am the big solution all the time to their problems.

How can I say No to them? I am running at full speed 7 days a week. I really feel like the girl in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with the "Why do you want to leave me?" scenario.

Should I get a T-shirt that says POTS in big letters? Should I have a phone message that says "sorry, can't come to the phone, have POTS REMEMBER?!!!" Do you think I can find research that states that POTS is contagious?..

Kits

[Sophia3]

You just say NO.

Only YOU can protect your body and your health. Only you can establish your limits or as they say today "boundaries."

If your parents are in business for themselves, they must learn to manage their OWN business better, themselves, without dumping on you.

Do not let them "guilt" you into doing what you do not want to do. Sorry you have a sibling they can not count on but you cannot carry the world on your shoulder.

Just say no. If they don't understand, than so be it. Screen your phone calls if they harass you. They will get over it IF they really understand the disease.

Look in the mirror and practice saying NO.

One can not go thru life being a People Pleaser at the expense of one's health OR wanting to live an authentic life..where you answer to yourself and YOUR NEEDS FIRST.

Not selfish, just protecting yourself so you can still function.

And remember, you do not need PERMISSION from a message board. You already know what you need to do in your heart. Just find the courage. Say the old serenity prayer.

Good luck.

[pat57]

I use the words , "I can't", it communicates that it is non debatable.

good luck

[mjan]

Oh my ... does this sound familiar. NOT for me..but my poor husband. FINALLY he had to tell them in ADVANCE he will not be doing this or that. He did not do well all the time but did enjoy when he could say NO. IT FEELS good.

What does your doctor say about what you need to do or not do?? Could your MD be a back up?

I like the sibling who just doesnt answer..so.. dont GO.. Dont ANSWER.. and see how good you feel!!

TRY it.. WE'll have your back!!

Jan

[mjan]

P. S. And what kind of parents do not let your rest..take care of yourself?

What does that say about them??

[yogini]

Your sibling is smart. The easiest thing would be if you don't pick up the phone. Use that Caller ID, screen your calls or unplug the darned thing! I don't know if you feel comfortable doing that.

It's hard to put yourself first, especially when you're not used to it. But if you don't put yourself first, noone else will. When I was my sickest with POTS, one of my closest friends was out of work and wanted to live with me. At the time, I was fortunately seeing a therapist who talked me into my senses and told me that I needed to put myself first and there was no way I could take care of someone else. What my therapist told me to say was, "I really wish I could help you, but I can't." The conversation went better than I expected and our friendship is still strong.

If you feel you do need to answer your mother's calls, I think the best thing to say is simply sorry, no. You could invent excuses, working weekend, going away for the weekend, donating a kidney, but eventually those would run out. If she complains about being sick, just say that you're sorry she's feeling sick. If you try to explain or prolong the conversation, she will try to convince you/guilt you into helping.

[futurehope]

There is one very important question that I have for you that you do not have to answer. Do your parents support you in any way either financially or emotionally?

If the answer is "yes", I can see why it is difficult to break the ties and say "no" to them.

If the answer is "no", it would appear to me that your parents priority is NOT you:it is their job. If that is the case, they are going to be overwrought should their "baby" (and I mean their "business") goes under for any reason.

I have nothing against people working hard and earning a living. What I am against is people putting "things" ahead of other people. Their priorities are skewed. Again, I am not against working hard and making something of yourself. Please don't read my comments that way.

Pull yourself back from the situation and ask yourself, "what are my parents' priorities?" Only you know. Not me. I have a strong suspicion but only you know the answer. Do you mean anything to them other than as a "potential employee of their business?" Their actions will give you the answer.

Praying for you to see reality and to choose the right path.

[mjan]

Not sure if you are aiming these questions for YOU to answer.. or others..or both.

But my parents are deceased..but VERY much alive in spirit..continue to try and help me..guide me.

I was lucky to have parents ALWAYS put us before them. Too much so perhaps.. or is that unconditonal love??

Are you beginning to break the chains that bind you all these years? Are you putting YOURSELF first..now??

You are on your own timetable..but know this.. I will support you no matter what. I do not live your life.. have not walked in your shoes..had to learn my own lessons.. and now I see my own grown children living their lives.. making their own mistakes.. forging their way in this life's journey. I just want to BE THERE for them.. even if I do not agree.

May you know such internal PEACE..and FEEL the SERENITY that comes with saying NO to what is not right or healthy for YOU.

Again.. YOU are not alone!!!

Warmly, Jan