Shimoda Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 I'm going to piss and moan a bit, because I need to, and because I can.I have grown entirely depressed. I find myself pushing others away more and more. Really, I don't seem to have any friends or family anymore as it seems that I've secluded myself from them for so long. It seems that I am more alone in the world every day. I want to go out and do things, but at the same time I know that if I do, I will end up being a disappointment or a liability for others. So I just sleep...It's very odd, no one seems to notice that I've effectively dropped off the face of the earth after being in the center of social life for years. Just guess other people don't seem to notice...or care. Guess that's what I deserve after being a tool to so many people. I'm basically a lame duck senior at this point...I'm just buying time until summer and college. Not really sure what will change when I go to college...just hoping I am forced into things again.I don't want to get emotionally attached to anyone, so I don't. I've stopped dating, and don't think I will for a while. If I do, I'll drag them down with me - not so much with my physical ailments, but moreso with my depressed persona.I have lost all faith in a higher power...and cannot seem to find any religion that seems to work with me. Nothing really makes sense anymore. It seems, to me, at least, that I have this one life to live to its fullest, and it seems I cannot do that. It's incredibly depressing. All I do is write personal insights onto countless scattered pieces of paper that litter my room. No one will probably ever read them.Things pretty much blow right now...even if no one reads this it makes me feel better to put this down somewhere...at least here my thoughts are accepted...I feel as though if I state my true feelings to family or friends they will think me suicidal or emo or what-have-you. I just need someone to talk to right now, and I don't have the luxury of that. The only person I count on is myself, but would be nice to have some help once in a while.I feel selfish and childish for ******** about my issues when other people are dying and have way worse problems than I do. I know I don't have the worst of things, and it feels I should be counting my blessings. Take it for what it is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firewatcher Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 Shimoda,Vent away, I have sooooo been there. Sometimes in this life things just stink (not the word I am thinking.) Please don't think that this is the best it gets, it WILL get better, that is odds, not religion. The whole chronic part of chronic illness means that we'll always have it, but it won't always be this bad. Yes, it actually is depressing, but you don't have to get depressed. If you can't think your way past the feelings, get medication! Life is a precious thing, don't give up. Get some help and come here and vent away!(((((((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))))))))Jennifer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladyt Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 hi..The closest person to u are u.. So dont feel bad about our own felling ust because others are worse of.. Last spring was very hard for me, i tryed to push it away, thinking, i am blessed comared to so many people in theis world.. But it ust made me feel worse and worse.. My feelings was real.. Being cronical ill for years is hard.. And somthimes u feel so helpless and alone.. u are alowde to vent and complain.. That can help getting things out, lett out the hurt.. The ting to wacht out for is bitternes i think, then u harm not only others but our self..i dug my self out, sites like this was a god help... getting to complain a bitt.. And i faund my inner strenght ones again.. and i cryed a lot.. I have movies I wathc if i need to get a god cry (been a while now).. But at that time it feelt like i was stuck.. and I did not seek others, i whanted to hide.. a bitt ironic, since being so much alone was a big reason to the blues in the first place... i put a date and happening to end my blues ( a party, i puched my bodie to its limits and ower, but i piced up my mind)..i try my best to improve my life in every way i can, and exept its limitations, but i also think the blues will come and go.. i ust try to find my ways to grow and gett stronger whit out stop feeling.. being a lot alone is one thing I have to acsept... And in every way i can i try to not become to isoleited..sorry about the spelling, bitt foggy to day.. hope it made some sense.. U are not alone, even if it feels like it.. i hope venting here helped u.. keep venting.. A pity party is a party too.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shimoda Posted January 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 You guys rock. I came home and was in a pissy mood - your comments gave me an honest ear-to-ear smile. It's been a while, I needed one. Thanks for that.Maybe I should work on anti-depressants - I'm already on Effexor for POTS...I talked to my doc about Wellbutrin to be added but he said he wants to try beta-blockers first. (I said that it was for my POTS, it sort of is.) Thing is, I really havent talked to anyone about the depression, excluding you guys.Regardless, I REALLY needed the boost. Next time I feel crappy, I'll just check this page out. (Printed) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pat57 Posted January 21, 2009 Report Share Posted January 21, 2009 What casper was saying is true, our personal experience carries more impact. One thing I want to tell you is that things change. Point yourself in the direction you wish to go and whether you crawl or run change will come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Radha Posted January 22, 2009 Report Share Posted January 22, 2009 you have every right to feel anything, illness *****! and it tests all your beliefs and its totally unfair and steals so much from you, but somehow we still find a way to go on, and i hope you will find the strength that is inside all of us to cope, wish you all the bestRadha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shimoda Posted January 23, 2009 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2009 Thanks for all the support!!! Just an update.I talked to my parents about the depression and they didn't seem to get where I was coming from. Regardless, good news is I talked to my doc and we're gonna try changing some meds up. Let's hope that works. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firewatcher Posted January 23, 2009 Report Share Posted January 23, 2009 Good for you! Take care of yourself, depression is hard to deal with; if you have never been that low it is impossible to relate. I wish your parents were more supportive. Keep talking to your doctor and keep posting here so we know you are OK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maxine Posted January 29, 2009 Report Share Posted January 29, 2009 I'm glad your PCP listened, and is adding some meds that might help with the depression.POTS and other ANS dysfunction can really be diffiuclt to deal with----evn on good days. Bad days make us feel un-hinged, so no wonder your depressed. I know how it is. I've dealt with situational depression on and off for years.You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.HUGS,Maxine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shimoda Posted February 2, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 2, 2009 I'm glad your PCP listened, and is adding some meds that might help with the depression.POTS and other ANS dysfunction can really be diffiuclt to deal with----evn on good days. Bad days make us feel un-hinged, so no wonder your depressed. I know how it is. I've dealt with situational depression on and off for years.You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.HUGS,MaxineTHank you!!!I'm starting to feel better on the meds I think. Either that or I have just gotten through a really rough stage in my life.On a bad note, my POTS has been much worse. (I can't win... ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MightyMouse Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 When I was out of work for a year, only ONE of my "friends" from there stayed in regular contact. I've learned over the years that very few friends will every be "close" and accept you for you where ever you are in your life. Hang in there.Nina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
turtlefairy5 Posted February 3, 2009 Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 Shimoda,I'm not trying to promote myself, but just in case you're ever feeling alone again and you can't talk to someone right away, go to my blog http://ambershockley.blogspot.com and read - particularly the posts under the categories "mental illness" and "misery diary." You'll see very quickly that there is at least one other person on the earth who has been there and understands exactly. I've been through it, still am going through it, and so far I've persevered. I've got a double dose - physical illness and mental illness. It *****, and I don't always handle it with the healthy attitude that may be coming across in this reply. I'm not saying that you have mental illness - anyone would get depressed from time to time with what all we have to deal with, but I'm just offering my ramblings on my blog to you as a way to know that there's someone out there who has definitly felt depressed too - you're not alone. Not by a long shot. There are others who are right beside you in this. There is a way to get through it, and I way out the other end of the tunnel. I've spent a huge number of days with my *** on the couch, just basting in my own misery. It can/does get better, even when you think all hope is lost. I've been so bad that I felt disconnected from God/religion, too. I still struggle with that. I'm still trying to figure it out.Anyhoot,Amber Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shimoda Posted February 3, 2009 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2009 Thank you so much everyone....gonna make me cry now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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