Depression Setting In

[thejohnsongang]

Hey all. It's been a while since I have even been on, let alone reading posts. I have been having a horrible time with depression lately. I finally got to the breaking point and went to see my doctor yesterday. We had a good long 1 1/2 visit and did a lot of talking. Come to find out some of my issues with my health are being caused by my beta blocker dose being to high. I go to see my cardiologist tomorrow to adjust the dose. I've had so much trouble breathing and I thought it was just a cold, but the PCP says I'm clean and clear. He said the beta blocker I'm on, when given at high doses) can cause breathing constriction as well as stuffy clogged nose. I was shocked. I talked to the cardiologist office about it today and they are squeezing me in tomorrow. So hopefully we can adjust my dose or change to a different one that has less effects.

Over the past month so much seems to be getting to me. I cry at the drop of a hat or if someone looks at me the wrong way. My hubby is working 2 jobs to try to make ends meet which leaves me home alone most of the time. We get to see each other for 1-2 hours a day and that's it. I'm use to having him around to help and to talk to when things get to me, but I haven't wanted to put that on him with everything is trying to do for us. He's working 2 ft jobs and thats a lot to ask of anyone. He gets very little sleep and I just want him to sleep instead of talking to me right now. We did talk last night and he is changing one of his jobs to pt if he can. He is going to talk to them today about it. I'm just so down I don't know what else to do. I sit on the couch and cry most of the time as walking even into the kitchen makes me so out of breath I have to rest for a good 20 minutes when I get in there. I have even gotten to where I don't feel like taking a shower or getting out of my PJ's. I'm just out of it. My PCP started me on prozac (as in the past other meds for depression made it it worse) and he also started me on clonazepam until the prozac kicks in. He also told me if I felt any worse to call him right away and he would fit me in no matter how busy they were. I've never felt this bad before. I've had depression in the past but not like this. I just feel so useless and that everything is just so hopeless. The holidays are coming up and I usually love this time of year, but this year I could care less. I've been trying to keep it all hidden from the kids, but it's hard to do sometimes and my daughter knows something is wrong, she took me out to breakfast (her treat) and has been trying to cheer me up.

I just don't know what else to do to keep from feeling so bad, so I thought I would try writing here to see if anyone has any ideas until the meds start to work. I haven't been able to enjoy anything that I use to anymore. Reading, TV, movies, crocheting, our pets, my friends, baking, etc and the list goes on. I just lay around in bed or on the couch most of the time and just think. How can I stop it? Any ideas? I just can't believe that this is what my life has come to. Being so sick, fighting for disability, swallowing all those pills and still being in pain all the time.

Sorry for rambling on, I just need some good advise from people that are there or have been there. To put things bluntly, things just suck right now and I need to deal with it, but am having so much trouble getting my mind to do just that.

Nolie

[Mrs. Burschman]

Beta blockers can cause depression, too. Partly why I've been scared to ever try them.

Is it possible that could be making it worse?

I understand the not-seeing-the-husband issue. My husband's working days, I'm working swing shift hours. Some days, we only see each other for dinner!

I'm sorry, Nolie. I don't have any great suggestions. But I'd definitely make sure it's not the beta blocker.

Amy

[jjpots]

Hi Nolie,

I don't think I've ever chatted with you before. I haven't been on the site for very long. I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. I was just in at my PCP today and he was doing a depression evaluation on me too. I don't think my POTS doesn't give me nearly as much trouble as yours:(

My PCP was saying how it's not uncommon for people with chronic illness (syndromes or whatever you want to call them) to experience depression due to feeling yucky all the time. I thought, that makes sense. I am going to start florinef again ( had many years ago) and see if that helps before we look into depression meds. It sounds like you have a good PCP though and a supportive family. Thank God for that!

I'll say a prayer for you. I can relate to the hubby thing too. Mine works full time plus goes to school (apprenticeship program), and has been working side jobs to keep us afloat since I haven't been able to contribute much lately.

Take care,

JJH

[pat57]

do whatever you can to get past this. Ice cream- chocolate, favorite movie- favorite music - read ,organize the closet- if it makes you happy. An ace in the hole is to adopt a cause, there is someone in this world that you can help right now. Write to soldiers, you need each other.

The meds will kick in soon!

yes?

And promise to call your Dr. when needed -regardless of the time.

[Guest tearose]

Just want you to know you are never alone. You are one of "us" here and we understand.

It seems like the chill of the upcoming winter makes life harder too.

When life gets really tough for me, I try to first honor the tough parts and then, very slowly, make small manageable goals.

Fact is, life is hard when you have an unusual syndrome and can still "look so well".

Everything can be a struggle, a research project, a trial. It has helped me to learn to accept my challenges as some type of adventure. I think of my body as a fragile vessel and my mind and soul are intact. It is very hard sometimes but hey, there are so many wonderful parts of life to still experience.

Think of yourself at your children's graduations, their weddings, seeing your first grandchildren...play good mind games!

Force yourself to spruce yourself up so your kids and husband see you taking care of yourself.

In time, this darkness will lift. Bring light into your space. Bring a joy, a friend, a candle, a prayer, a cookie...something special into your space. Make where you are right now a good, cozy, peaceful and healing place. I can't tell you how long it will take but I do know you can do it! You are surrounded by family and friends and caring people. Let the sunshine warm your face, wipe those tears and know you are loved and needed!

Maybe it would be helpful for you to focus on what you want to accomplish for the next hour, one hour at a time. Then work up to one day, then one week and then maybe you will be able to do a simple holiday celebration.

I hope you will reach out to us whenever you need to, we are with you in spirit and support.

Sending you good wishes,

tearose

[dezyrae2]

I am so sorry to hear that you feel like this. I have to tell you though that you definately are not alone. When i read what you wrote you would think that I wrote it. I just told my family all of the same things you said last weekend. Seem like sometimes its harder to deal than others and when your home alone with your thoughts it can make you crazy. Everyone just tells me to be happy for the good things i have. I think that is hard sometimes though. I am also fighting for disability and with christmas coming and being a single parent i think sometimes it is easier to focus on being sick than the things that are really bothering us. I hope you find some relief soon. If you ever need to chat feel free. I am home alone all day and have alot of free time. Maybe we could help eachother. Desiree

[pastordari]

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now.

If the beta clocker dose is "too igh" as your pcp thinks it is then lowering the dose will more than likely help your depression.

Don't worry about taking anti-depressants, do whatever helps.

I have hit such a place while trying to figure this illness out (what was going on with my body) prior to my diagnosis and at times life just seemed too difficult to even try. Thankfully, the right meds at the right levels have done wonders for me.

Everyone is different, but I am on beta blocker, klonopin, and antidepressant. Sounds like your list!

Finally, I am feeling really good. I pray you can soon say the same.

I'm glad you have such a supportive medical team and husband/family.

Lean on them and use this board.

i'd be happy to PM anytime.

Love and prayers.

[thejohnsongang]

Well after my breakdown this past week, I've started to look at thing differently. I've been trying to get through one hour and think about what I can do the next to keep my mind busy. I went to see my cardiologist yesterday and I went in for just an office visit to get checked out about by beta blocker, but ended up spending the whole day there. I've been having so much trouble with the breathing and he said he didn't think it was the beta blocker. Being concerned he ordered an immediate stress test and nuclear study. Feeling as crappy as I do I had to try to do the treadmill stress test. I talked with the guy "Randy" that was going to preform my test as well as my doctor about the probability of my passing out during the test as I had failed my last one. They reassured me that they would be right there with me. My cardio wanted to check to make sure I didn't have any blockages. I was alone of course as my husband was at work and scared to death. I called to let him know what was going on and he was very upset that his employer wouldn't let him off work to be with me. After a good cry, I decided that I was going to do this. With "Randy" the tech right beside me helping to hold me up and my cardio right behind me in case I fainted and this little tiny tech that was all of about 4 ft high I started my test. The goal was to get my HR to 156 (or 6 1/2 min)on the treadmill or If I couldn't then they would give me an injection. They coached me on how to walk properly on the treadmill without exerting to much energy and I actually made it. It was such a big deal for me even though none of them really understood my excitement. Turns out all my tests were fine, no blockages or anything...What great news. We did lower my beta dose in half for now and he wants to see how things go over the next 3 weeks. If no change then he wants me to follow up with him and with my PCP.

Since being on the sedative and anti-depressant for the past couple of days, I'm starting to feel calmer and in turn handling things differently. I know it will take a month or more for the anti-depressant to work, but the mild sedatives are a huge help. The kids have been really great and my daughter even asked if she could buy me dinner so I wouldn't have to cook. But as much as I appreciated it, I didn't want her to use her hard earned money on me and I just ate leftovers. She's such a great kid. My hubby has been wonderful and has been making time to just hug and hold me before he leaves for work and when he comes home. He's been calling me as much as possible during the day and just checking on me. Then my girlfriend Michelle must have a sixth sense as she has been calling me like crazy and talking to me for hours on end. We are going to try to meet up on Saturday and spend some girl time together doing something. She was thinking tanning and lunch...but I don't like tanning booths as I burn easily..so we decided on lunch and window shopping for as long as I can handle it.

So things are starting to look up a little and the crying is getting better. Having a chronic illness is just so hard to deal with. This site has been a godsend to me over and over. Everyone here really understands as they are going through the same things. It just nice to know that there is someone out there at truly understands.

Thanks for all your support and hopefully soon I'll feel up to reading and posting on a regular basis. I have a lot of catching up to do on reading all the posts.

Thanks again guys.

Nolie

[pat57]

good to "see" you, and glad to hear there is some improvement

[Mrs. Burschman]

Nolie,

I'm so glad your tests turned out OK! And I'm happy that you're feeling a bit better. I know that it's so common for people with chronic illnesses to feel depressed. It seems that I read somewhere that upwards of 80 percent of people with chronic illnesses battle depression. And no wonder. Feeling crappy all the time IS depressing!

I'm hoping that the medication changes and loving attention will do wonders for you. Keep us posted!

Amy

[morgan617]

Glad you are feeling better Nolie. Betas can be notorious for causing depression. But while one may, another may be just fine. Hopefully cutting down will help, but if not, you might just try another one. I can't take Inderal, but I do okay on Atenolol.

I hope you continue to improve every day, and am glad you have such a supportive family and friends. My hubs works so many hours too and I have many guilty feelings about it. But he knows if the tables were turned, I'd do the same for him. As I'm sure you would.

Don't beat yourself up over things that you have no control over....morgan

[Guest tearose]

Hi Nolie, just wanted to wish you a good weekend and let you know I was thinking of you.

I plan to make some oatmeal cookies this weekend and will be visually sending you a batch with warm wishes too!

take care,

tearose

[thejohnsongang]

Thanks for all your support. I have had problems with depression in the past, but never like this time. It hit me so fast and hard. My family and friends have been great. I am starting to feel better and I am actually going to "TRY" to clean a little today. The pet hair is getting out of control.

Tearose...the cookies were awesome. Thanks so much. They fit perfect with my cocoa and warmed me inside and out.

Any suggestions for things to do to keep your mind/body busy? I have very little energy and sleep a lot, but the reading, TV and crocheting have just gotten boring. I try to walk the dogs, but they end up walking me. My hubby works all the time and the kids are in school. So I spend most of my time alone. Just looking for some different ideas. I don't have a car during the day so going out is not an option. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again everybody.

Nolie

[Rachel]

Hi Nolie,

I'm sorry things have been so rough lately. Keep on keeping on. This too shall pass. Meanwhile, you have some caring friends here to help you through it.

I understand about reading, tv, and crocheting getting boring!!! Here are few suggestions of activities to change things up a bit:

- Chat on the phone with a friend.

- Ask a friend to stop by for a visit (even if you can only handle 15 minutes).

- Learn a new craft - knitting, needlework, hand quilting, beading

- Make a simple scrapbook

- Make cards

- Read an action/adventure type book. (Even when I'm bored from reading I can sometimes read one of these. I like the O'Malley Series and the True Heroes Series by Dee Henderson)

- Fill out one of those "Mom, Tell Me Your Stories" books for your kids.

I hope you can find some pleasant ways to spend your time, even when you have to be home alone a lot.

Hugs,

Rachel

[Guest tearose]

You actually are sounding a simdge better!

I'm glad you enjoyed the cookies.

Now don't go and over do with the cleaning.

As for creative outlets that stimulate the brain and occupy the body...

When I swore my brain was fried from a relapse, I tried several things intentionally. I listened to Mozart for the Mind; which I feel helped wake up some dormant brain cells . I started to do puzzles of all kinds, my favorite was finding hidden words in a cheap dollar store Hidden Word book. I used my non dominant hand and taught it to do things like stir, pick up things...and most helpful, I taught my non dominant hand how to write! It was fun actually. I found a kids handwriting tablet at the dollar store and used this for training. I think my hopeful attitude and these seemingly easy-for-some-tasks actually helped me bring my brain out of the deep freeze.

Also....for you, if you have that much pet hair...how about a unique art creation of pet hair artistically glued to some canvas board and then framed! This is a good way to motivate yourself to collect the hair and then reward yourself with a one of a kind creation too!

Okay, that is enough from me.

Keep on being good to yourself.

best regards,

tearose

[flop]

Hi Nolie,

sorry to come to this thread so late. It sounds like you have made amazing progress in the last week or two. One of the hardest things in beating depression, is actually knowing and admitting that you are depressed - sounds easy but it can be so hard to recognise the symptoms yourself, even if it is obvious that something is wrong to those arround you.

One of the toughest things is getting out of bed and getting dressed, but once you are "up" for the day you will find that you have more energy than if you stay in your pjs all day.

Things to do to keep busy whilst not exhausting yourself can be a tricky one. I think it is important not to do any one activity for too long at once - otherwise it becoes boring quite quickly. If you stop whilst you are still enjoying something you will be more keen to get back to it later on.

I know that the holidays are something you probably don't want to think about too much, but how about making some stuff ready for christmas? Cards and decorations can be so expensive to buy, so this year I have set my sister the task of helping me to make all of our christmas cards. I splashed out on a christmas "stamp" and an ink pad so that we could put a design inside the cards. We are collecting loads of magazines and catalogues at the moment and plan to rip out small pieces of solid colours to make collages of christmas trees etc for the fronts of the cards.

I just want you to know that you are not facing this alone. Lots of us have been through or are currently facing depression and know all too well what it does to you. No matter how bad you feel we are always here for you. You don't need to write a long post - just say that you need a hug and we'll be there (with tissues too!).

Best wishes,

Flop x

[runningshoe]

This the first time in a couple of weeks that I have read posts and the second one today where the thread was so well written and so thoughtful! There are a lot of amazing people on this website.

I am glad you are feeling a little better but I wanted to add a bit if that's okay! Last year I was so depressed and in pain (IC) and overwhelmed by the onset of pots that I literally was breaking down. Lorazapam (similiar to what you are taking) got me to calm down enough to let the pain meds kick in and the healing/comforting part of my mind to restart. I still taking one at night but am trying to go off because it really adds to the brain fog. Just something to keep in mind once you are feeling better.....Also I was put on Nadolol as a beta blocker because it doesn't pass the blood brain barrier (or something!). Anyway it is supposed to be easier on me mentally and less fatiguing. Lastly, I don't know your age but it turns out that I was totally in menopause (very very low estrogen) and I think that was a huge factor in me not being able to cope anymore. I cried like I have never cried, like I wanted to dig a hole in the ground, stick my head in and sob! I have never been so lost. I recommend hormone testing for everyone! I was only 42 and still had ovaries but nonetheless....I am sending you warm thoughts!