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POTS really affected by comment from brother in law

Guest Julia59

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Guest Julia59

My husband and I were laying in bed taking a nap Christmas Day as we were tired because we got up too early.

When I got up I decided to call my brother's house to see what time we were getting together at my sister in law's brother's house. We decided to spend Christmas day with my brother and his wife's family that day. I grew up with her family and know all of them---we have all known eachother of 35 years. I thought this would be great even if my POTS symptoms haven't been the best.

Well my sister in law got on the phone with me and said Joe was upset. I asked her why, and she said my husband's brother told Joe that---"the way your sister talks, you only have six months to live". What a horrible thing to say----especially being a cancer survivor himself. My brother said---"so my sister already has me written off?" I have only repeated what his wife told us, and nothing more---both the good and the bad. First the Doctor said the biopsy was cancer to his wife on the phone---but when they saw both of them on Friday---she said the biopsy is not 100% certain---and that she was optimistic they could get it all ---they will remove 12 inches of his colon. Colon cancer is highly curable if it hasn't spread---and all of us are concerned about that of course----this is normal for all of us to be on pins and needles until we all see the outcome after surgery.

My husband and I were livid-----he ruined my brother's Christmas. He didn't tell his wife until the next morning. Not only did he lie -----and make me look like I had my brother written off already---but even if I did say "it didn't look good"---which I didn't---------Why would he ever say such a thing to someone who was told he had a positive biopsy---and is awaiting surgery to find out if it's 100% positive.

Debbie said she believes me---and told me not to worry about it---but i'm still not sure my brother does.

Needless to say I cried and cried----and just sat there in shock the rest of Christmas day. We still went to see my brother and his wife---but my brother looked depressed. I have been shaky ever since---but then again I have been having problems anyway------but i'm sure this doesn't help.

I'm more concerned about my brother-----we need him to stay optimistic---and it looks like my husband's brother threw a big monkey wrench into that. My husband's brother tends to put his foot in his mouth often----and they he'll deny it. I won't go into details---but he has problems. My husband is embarrassed -----and extremely upset by what his brother did.

Julie --------------------:0(

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Guest Belinda

Julie- I am extremely sorry you are dealing with this..what a way to spend the holidays, as I told you before though I am thinking of you and praying for your brother. And I guess I better pray for your brother-in-law too I think he might need some help on grace...

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Sorry Julie, you don't need all that added drama on top of you not feeling well as well as your brother not feeling well. Hope things get better for everyone involved!

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I am so sorry that a nice day had to be ruined like that. My Gram always said"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." How right she was. Maybe the dr. could have a chat with your brother to reaffirm the outlook is not that bleak and then I think it would be nice if the brother in law apologised. What are people thinking sometimes? I guess they aren't thinking. My thoughts are with you and perhaps a small simple new years day get together would start the year off right? order in pizza and watch some favorite movies doesn't have to be a big deal .:-)

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Hi Julia, I am so sorry that your brother in law had to upset your brother that way, and ruin your holidays. I know how it is to have family that is insinsitive and uncaring. It is hard to take but I know from personal experience that it happens all of the time. I have not talked to or seen my siblings for many years, due to their mouths. Before my Mom died she made me promise that we would all make up and stop fighting and get along. That was her one wish, and i tried, but they are louses and did everything possible to start fights. So for my own well being I just stay away from all of them. I know that your husband is embarassed, but he is not responsible for what his brother did. I send big hugs to you, your husband and your brother. Do everything that you can to bring some hope back to your brother. Tell his doctor what was said and see if He or she can intervene with some hopeful words. My prayers are with all of your family in this trying time. Vanessa

Edited by MightyMouse
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Hi Julia,

I can totally understand what you are talking about. I think this time of year brings out the strangest things in people. I myself had a falling out with my brother over Christmas for something I don't know about.

He lives in New Zealand, and I haven't seen him in 7 years - he has married and had a daughter in that time, and I have never seen his wife or his daughter in person or in photos. I did talk to my brother on the phone about once every 2 weeks, and in our conversation he told me that he managed to complete a four year IT defree in one semester - being at uni myself, I told him I that thought that was highly unlikely - and knowing that he is prone to exagerate a lot, I told him there was no need to do so. He got a bit shirty, and then started to talk about the brand new BMW he had just brought (which also isn't true), and then hung up the phone (for some reason he has always felt he is in competition with me, and resorts to lying for some reason - to the extent where he once called me and told me he had a fantastic new job and was earning over $120K p/a, and had just brought this and that, but could be borrow $10K from me for a while...??)

Anyway, on Christmas Day he called me shouting abuse, and told me that if I ever refer to his wife a Shrek again he would come over here and kick my head in, and he no longer wants anything to do with me.

Now, why he would think I would call his wife Shrek is a complete mystery to me, I don't have any idea what she looks/acts like.

Anyway, there is another old saying that I find helps me "You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends".

I have a feeling my father has told my brother that I said this, as it is something my father himself would say, and it is in his nature to play people off against each other.

Although your situation is different, I can empathise with how hurtful family members can be.

I trust it will all come out in the wash.

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Strong emotions will always do that--I've said this before, but your body doesn't know the difference between the stress induced in fight/flight responses, and the overwhelming emotions (good or bad)...both involve major releases of catecholes... and will make you feel awful.

I know you've tried before, but you might want to try meditation again. I can't do it myself without a CD to guide me. My favorite CD is Ticht Nhat Hanh--and it has 10 or 15 different short sequences. I can listen to just one, or a few, depending on my attention span and how stressed I am. I lent my only copy to a friend and she also loves it...a LOT. She's had the CD for a year an a half now! I miss it...and might buy myself a new one b/c if she loves it that much, i think she should keep it--she's one of the most stressed out people I know. Anyway, you really need to do something for yourself to help your body calm down and not let all this stuff get to you.

Family and friend issues are always going to be there, for all of us. Arguments, deaths, births, awkward moments, horrifying moments, joyous moments. Anyone with dysautonomia either learns to calm their thoughts and body, or pays for the consequences. I'm not saying you or I can control all the emotions and stress, but every little bit helps, and it's worth the effort to give yourself that kindness. (I'm speaking globally here, not just to Julie).


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Guest Julia59

Thanks everyone!

Nina, I'm seeing Ken Davis---(Dr. Davis--PHd)--he's an excellent psychologist and a friend of Dr. Grubbs.

WE are going to start a few mind exercises---and some meditation--it's going to take some time---and I pray it helps. Having ADD/ADHD makes it difficult to meditate---but it can be done. Just like people who don't have dysautonomia will not truly know how it is for us---the same goes for those who don't have ADD/ADHD. Having this only puts a monkey wrench into everything else.

My brother's wife does not look at me the same, and my brother doesn't talk to me at all. His daughter made a comment saying---"how would Bill get an idea like that---why would he say that?". Basically referring to some one putting the idea in his head---and that would refer to me. My Dad told me my brother isn't mad at me---and said not to worry about it. That may be true, but the last time I saw him he didn't talk to me.

I'm not one who would lie---or could lie. I have only repeated what his wife Debbe told us. First ---after the colonoscopy the doc said the biopsy looked like cancer---Debbie had called my Dad, and my Dad called me very upset and told me the news. This was on a Monday. Then on Wednesday she spoke with the Doc---and was told the biopsy was positive. On Friday they both talked with the Doc and were told Surgery will be on the 5th of January, and they will know for sure. They will remove 12 inches of his colon. She said the Biopsy is not 100% proof---and the surgery will tell them more. Somehow my brother is law twisted it into me making it look like he has six months to live----then tells him!------and on Christmas eve!

Thank you all so much for your advice and caring thoughts. I'm going to lay low and try to get this hyper-adrengic stuff under control. Apparently my heart rate is even high in my sleep---so anxiety was not an issue in the beginning----BUT anxiety makes it worse, and with the stress I've been under----YES there is anxiety now---and that is where Ken Davis comes into the picture. I think the hyper adrengic attacks are one of the worst and most hated symptoms of this dysautonomia. It's an imbalance in the para-sympathetic---and sympthetic nervous system. WE are not able to process stress the same as someone without this imbalance.

Our sympathetic nervous system won't shut off when it's supposed to---and it also turns itself on inappropriately (thus the high amounts of catecholamines) when were sitting in our living room minding our own business watching a movie. It is very difficult for us to see an "anxiety issue" when the Doc in the ER tells us this is the culprit----when we know were were just sitting in out living room relaxing. BUT anxiety will certainly come secondary to this---- and our unrelated anxiety will make it worse. Different relaxation exercises can help this and lessen the severity of the attacks. It would be nice if it would make them go away---but it won't----not until the imbalance is corrected, and so far no one has the answer to that yet.

Thanks again for all your wonderful advice and support.

Julie :0)

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