purplefocus Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 Today is the 4th anniversary of my moms death and I feel hopeless. I normally have a positive outlook even if it doesn't mean I go back to work or back to the way I was several years ago, but today I feel like what is the use. I get up and struggle everyday to just get to nite time. My symptoms are up and down, I never know how I am gonna be so I never can make plans. Today though, it just kinda hit me, like why bother, what's the use, who am I benefitting........I cause more work on everyone around me.......i'm not productive in any form. I am hoping that i'm just in a depression from missing my mom so much, I haven't felt like this since the beginning of my illness when I had to face the fact I could no longer work. It's just the thought that if this is the way the rest of my life is gonna be.......then what is the purpose. I'm sorry for being so down, I just didn't know where else to go. My husband has enough problems and my family and friends don't need to hear this. Hopefully today will go by quickly and I will feel better tomorrow. Thanks for listening. purplefocus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Poohbear Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 Oh, tears came to my eyes when I read your post! I can relate to your feelings and have shared these same thoughts MANY times!!!It is normal to grieve the losses you have had and you need to allow yourself to do whatever grieving you feel. Of course anniversary dates sometimes bring sad feelings to us. Try to be extra gentle with yourself today. You are valuable and we all need each other. You add to people's lives here on this site and we certainly do not view you as a burden.I know it can be scary when you think about the future; we don't know what tomorrow holds though. Different things work for different people but I know for myself it has helped me to use the things I've learned from my illness to try to help other people. I'm working on compiling a "resource" book for the people at my church who work with benevolence to know where various community resources are and what services the various agencies offer. I know what a struggle it's been for me to find places and people to help me and I don't want others to suffer. It's a way to turn my frustration into something that will help others which does help me feel more productive and valuable. Like I said earlier, try to be gentle with yourself today.I'm sending a hug your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Julia59 Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 I wish I knew the right words to say---as I know how you feel. I feel that way a lot lately---but somehow it passes and I get a new outlook on things. The throuble is that it seems something pops up to shoot it down. But---take heart at some point something good happens and then your hope comes back. This is all an up and down cycle----and this is a time for you when you need that extra support. Is your family supportive? If they are, don't be afraid to lean on them. I'm sorry to hear your mom passed away----I can only imagine how that must be for you. I am fortunate mine is still living.My family doesn't really understand all of this, and only part of them are supportive, but not to the point of ever checking in on me---they will hear from me before I hear from them.It is very important to have a good support system. I found it very helpful to call up BETH--my psychologist when times get tough for me. I used to see Ken Davis who is a friend of Dr. Grubb's, but Beth is covered on my insurance better then Ken. She is wonderful also, and I saw her before I saw Dr. Davis. She is very familiar with the ups and downs we go through.Don't feel like "what's the use"--you play a vital role in this world, and you are here for a reason. I really do know that feeling though. I almost feel that way every morning when I first wake up---but then I get my bearings and get the day moving----then before I know it, i'm living---someone makes me laugh---a good movie comes on----a friend calls------my son and girlfriend come over and bring her little daughter who is just 15 months old-(adorable), then I just figure I have a lot to live for---so I just keep going. It's hard though---really, really hard.Three years ago I lost my best friend, and a very close Aunt within months of eachother, and this was following my cervical spine surgery. So in a way I feel like I can relate a little, but not completely. It's very hard when one loses a parent---a parent is part of your security even when your older.REach out to whoever will give you the support your deserve, and of course continue to reach out to us---we are always here for you. If things get really tough---don't be too shy to talk with someone about it.You hang in there---I hope this passes for you soon. (A BIG HUG)Julie :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunfish Posted July 21, 2005 Report Share Posted July 21, 2005 others have already offered many kind & wise words but i still wanted to send a ((((HUG)))) your way. i hope that in the midst of the pain you're also able to treasure the memories you have of your mom.hang in there,melissa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathyP Posted July 22, 2005 Report Share Posted July 22, 2005 Hi Purplefocus;I know exactly how you are feeling. With dysautonomia, depression can bring me down even farther during emotional times. My Mom passed away 31 years ago and that anniversary was on July 20th. It is still a very hard day for me. Right now I am the same age she was when she died so I have so many fears with health issues along with the sadness of still missing her.When I get feeling down about not having my Mom around I try to remember the things that she did with me and do those same things with my own children. In the short time I was with her I didn't get to know alot about her. So I have to go with what I have been told or what little memories I have.Please remember that the things you need to do are important. You need to live the way she would have wanted you to live. As long as you are living happily she is living on as well, through you. With as much as you miss her, I am sure she was a great Mom. I am willing to bet that she would be proud of your struggles and accomplishments. You asked, "who am I benefitting?" and "what is the purpose?" Well, the way I see it, you getting up everyday, doing your best and giving it your all, benefits not only you but her love and purpose for you. It is OK to feel the way that you do. It is a very hard loss. I wish you well and please know that you are not alone!!Take care,KathyP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morgan617 Posted July 22, 2005 Report Share Posted July 22, 2005 My mom passed away almost 14 years ago, we weren't even that close and I still get sad on her birthday and the anniversary of her death. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I've been down this hole so long, I'm becoming a mole. All I can say is I'm sorry and am sending good and positive thoughts your way. morgan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavanity Posted July 22, 2005 Report Share Posted July 22, 2005 I can relate to what you are feeling, I lost my mom and brother a little over a year ago and it is so hard. They say it gets easier with time but I am not so sure. Hope you feel better soon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
persephone Posted July 22, 2005 Report Share Posted July 22, 2005 i know exactly how you feel. I feel the same today. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4cem Posted July 22, 2005 Report Share Posted July 22, 2005 (((hugs)) to you. Hang in there. The depression from either being sick and the loss and rememberance of a loved one is enough to keep us down, never mind both.Keep the support going with the family, don't keep them out of the loop and remember all the friends and support you have here.Hang in there, you will get through. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplefocus Posted July 22, 2005 Author Report Share Posted July 22, 2005 THANK YOU everyone. I did manage to get thur yesterday and I am feeling so much better today mentally and emotionally. The encouragement I recieved from you all helped so much plus I took the advice and talked to my family. Those of you that are in the same place, just like me, you will come out of it. purplefocus Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunfish Posted July 23, 2005 Report Share Posted July 23, 2005 purple-glad to hear that things are looking up a bit. hope the upward swing continues...:-)melissa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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