Astral Projection...the Place Between Here And There...a Philosphical Perpective On Pots

[Lemons2lemonade]

As people who are only partially conscious half of the time, is this the world we live in? And is it a wretched gift to bear?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Astral_projection

I hate Pots so much. I hate it more than anything in the entire world. I live in a much different world than most. In fact, half of the time, i feel so jaded from reality i wonder if i am really "here" anymore. Yet, i am "here" because i feel fear and sense pain. But there are things that i do not feel anymore. Like comfort, peace, or humanity. My body functions--they are so weak and bleak..however, grabbing to the last breath and heart beat that they could ever have. Yet, i am still alive. Often times i feel neither here nor there. And every moment i fight to be "here" per se. I feel like i fight so hard, and then i am confronted with the fact that i can fight no longer and then i must submit. Every night, every episode. In fact i have learned that submitting to the great and powerful pots is the only way to ever escape it. I suffer, to the greatest (as i have ever known) human extent in trying to be here. Trying to stay here. And when the attacks come on, that is what i think "stay here, stay here, stay here, pinch, shiver, quiver, just stay here as there is a force trying to take me away and i refuse to acknowledge it." And i do not want to leave (and apparently my body surely does not!!) Sometimes i look in the mirror at myself-- at my face --and i feel like a shell giving every last effort to stay here and a mind that can never come back to the shell again. It does not matter how hard i try or will. It will not come back. And in that shell, like a hermit crab, lived a vivacious hopeful individual who had everything going for them. And now, that vivaciousness--that soul is gone. And the body, it knows. And it repents, rebels, and demands that we return. It will not give us a choice otherwise It will keep us alive no matter what the cost. And the mind, aye, it has been through such atrocious experiences that it either does not know what to think or accepts what is coming. And that feeling, of accepting what is happening to you...it makes you sick. Sick to your stomach...to feel like every moment is your last and to never have it be. That in my opinion is true suffering. But what if it was a gift? BWAHAHHAHHA Is my only reaction because anyone who would ever view this disease as a gift must have an incredibly cruel mind. However, what if we could step back from that for a minute. From the warning signs that our bodies are telling us and truly relish in the bliss of being neither here nor there. We get the chance to die every day. In fact, IMHO some of us do. But we are lucky, because each time we come back. What if we took that time and instead of being fearful, embraced it. And explored it. What possibilities could happen?

[davecom]

Interesting thoughts... But you depress me because I read some of your earlier posts months ago and it seemed like you got better with a lot of effort and you were someone that gave me hope. But I can relate. Where is that vivacious person? Can I appreciate surviving rather than thriving without him?

[Lemons2lemonade]

Dave,

I am very glad that i gave you hope. But that outlook is not any easier for me. What is different is trying. And i try every single day. And that is what keeps me going and functional. The moment you quit is the moment you fail as far as i have learned with this disease. And IMHO you have two choices...can or can't. Pots feeds off cant's. I can't go out in public, i can't walk here, can't can't can't. But there are things that i have learned from pots innately which made me discover myself more intimately than anyone ever could. I CAN. AND I WILL. Those terms so easily spoken by many are cheap. And it would only take someone who has truly been through it to understand. Does i can, mean trapsing the mountain tops..no. It means steady forthcoming progression from a healthy individual...to completely disabled and back again...(mount Everest has nothing on us )And to be honest, IMHO from what i have read from this forum there are few better suited. We are strong--on the inside...and no matter what bad cards we are given..we will make the best hand of it. The thing i learned with my pots is that if i push steadily, progressively, and with ultimate discipline I will conquer. It will not be mountain tops. And i will have to work for it every single day like a man training for a marathon to walk only across the room. But if i push with realistic boundaries and keep hope on my side pots can never beat me. But then again, can life ever be the same for me as i have lived in this world for so long?

[davecom]

"But then again, can life ever be the same for me as i have lived in this world for so long?"

I think it will. We live in 2013 and we're in our mid to late 20s. I honestly do not believe we will go another 40 years without medicine being able to further help us (should we be so lucky to not die of something else). And yes, we maybe part of the 50% that get better on our own.

I think you're right though, one's mindset must be confined to realistic boundaries and realistic short term hopes. Yet long term, it is the hope of a return to normal, or near normal living (and what that means for me is pre-1 year ago living) that keeps me going.

[Relax86]

Meditate... use Deepak Chopra as a start.. find your "here" .... it might look different than it did before POTs; mine absolutely does. Your current emotional "here" seems like a bad place.

Maybe just journal or write. Write to Twitter, write and delete....you're expressive. Let it out.

Go to a healer. You might find moments of improvement that are enough to carry you on to the next.

I bought Perfect Health by Deepak and Oprah. 21 meditations helping to transform the way one thinks and feels about health. It helped.

Pray. I'll say a prayer for you.

[jangle]

Going through these struggles certainly gives us a unique mindset and opportunity to face enormous adversity. I feel like we would all become very strong if we do ultimately pull out of the chronic symptoms and feel our old strengths.

It is possible to make the symptoms more mild, to the point where you perhaps feel like you would feel normally or almost so. I definitely agree with the notion that we have to keep trying all the time, to find or continue treatments to work.

[spinner]

The ability to adapt and thrive is uniquely human.

[Joann]

Lemons2lemonade - I understand those times when it seems like it is too much Before this I never realized what pain and issues someone could live with. I honestly thought you got ill and you went for help and they helped you! You are right climbing a mountain has nothing on us.

I often think if I ever get answers and help to return to much of my normal self, I will be able to conquer unbelievable things. We will have our pity parties and our down times, but we have to try and pick our self up. I have to admit I do not and will not embrace those scary times, maybe it is wrong but I fight them.

I hope you feel better

[davecom]

Joann, loved your post. I can really relate to your first paragraph!

[blueskies]

Everything changes you somehow. POTS is not exempt from this. However, basically you are the same person now that you were before pots. When we are born we are already who we are meant to be. We live, love, suffer, accept, have friends, like some things and not others. We may be intrinsically funny or gentle or whatever. There is so much that is inherent in us. Yes, there is the stuff we learn on the way but what we do with it depends on the person we were born to be. Or that's how I see it.

I have terrible depression at times. But I also have a great sense of humour. Lately my sense of humour hasn't been very evident. But it's there and erupts at times. Thank the gods for that.

I'm once again trying very hard to accept that I have POTS. A radical acceptance. But that doesn't mean I'm going to just BE pots. It's just a part of me. And a part of me I try my best to manage and make better on a day to day basis. I feel if I can remember to just radically accept the fact that I have this illness and stop fighting it and second guessing myself I will be able to use the energy I waste mentally fighting and second guessing myself and just deal with it.

Just my thought for the moment. Mental stasis is as hard to find as physical stasis at times. I need to remember to focus on the important stuff and not sweat the minutae.

blue

[Lemons2lemonade]

I think the problem with people viewing me as being helped per se is a matter of perspective. In my opinion, in the end all it comes to functionality and what a person is capable of doing. My experience with pots is that the moment i give up hope is the moment that i lose the battle. I work, drive, travel (in airplanes too!), exercise, drink alcohol, eat what i want, go out in noisy places, walk anywhere i please with my friends, and mostly do what i want. To me, that is a success story. 2 years ago, i could hardly walk to the bathroom. Driving?! way too much of a liability. Exercise hahaha yeah right. Alcohol--only if i want to wake up in the morning with massive tachycardia. Eating--no carbs, no sugar. Noisy places brought on massive panic. Walk where i want--i think the bathroom is the least extent of that (and i was happy to have that at the time). I have pots and i can live my life..and to me that is a success.