I Feel Like I Am Crazy!

[Linj10]

I feel fine for a week or a few days at a time, sometimes even months. Then all of the sudden it is like I just have a "spell" and I get in a terrible doom and gloom mood. I am ill, snap at everyone, hate everyone, hate everything, cry hysterically over nothing, and have imense anxiety over nothing. My heart races and my head hurts and I feel like I just want to beat the crap out of someone instead of being nice and friendly and my normal self.

This makes me feel like I am crazy. Like I am bipolar or schizoprenic when, obviously, I know I am not. I just do not understand how any normal person can go through these stages and spells and be a sane person. Does anyone else have these problems?

[Tuesday]

I know how this feels, completely. When you're not symptomatic, you're able to keep up with the world around you, and you start setting up goals and plans and objectives for yourself. You work towards them, and then all the sudden - BLAM. You're having a flare and you can't keep up with the things you want to and no matter how much you want to do what you were doing, you can't.

In a very real way you are grieving your illness. Grieving a loss of functionality, a loss of independence. Even if you're not completely disabled by your illness, you are still coping with having something that you can't control impact your life in such a fundamental way.

I'm not severely limited by my symptoms all the time, but I think over time learning to accept that I am disabled (in my own ways) has actually helped me get through some of the anger and doom and gloom.

For me, the trigger seems to be the frustration of not being able to control my symptoms, not having a plan to get things back on track. It is incredibly frustrating to lose that sort of control, and we all place so much responsibility on ourselves to try to keep ourselves healthy. Sometimes we just have to understand that there's nothing we can do to affect change to the situation and accept it. It's only then that we can start focusing on what we still can do, and finding new/alternate ways of staying fulfilled and challenged.

Sorry for the long ramble, I've been going through this a lot myself lately, too.

[bebe127]

I totally agree with Tuesday, Linj10!! You are NOT ALONE!! I go through this as well. I too think that realizing our limitations and accepting that this is the "new-not-so-improved" us, we can begin to find our new normal. Once we begin on that journey, we can hopefully improve, if only little by little. Through my own illness, I've learned a new meaning of "one day at a time", and sometimes it's "one minute at a time" or "one second at a time". We just have to have hope, choose happiness and keep on keeping on.

Here's to hoping you feel better soon

((Hugs))

Bebe

[looneymom]

When I realize my son is having a bad day, I do my best to remind him of the better days ahead. Living with POTS is not easy. If you realize you are having one of those bad days, try to slow down and go to your happy place in your mind. What was once a normal life pattern, has now changed for you. POTS makes life unpredictable. Take one day at a time and live life to its fullest.

[Joann]

I agree with Tuesday. When I have some "good days" I am much more optimistic and start planning ahead. And then BAM it is back. Besides the awful physical feelings, ,their is the despair, grief, hopelessness, anger.... I could go on and on.

Not being in control of your life and never knowing what is next, more so than the "normal" person can make you feel these ways.

I know there are many people that say they feel this has made them so much stronger and you hear how they never complain. Well, I do complain and get upset at times. I try not to take it out on others, but sometimes I do. And let's face it, people always treat those they are closest to the worse. Sad but true.

Don't think you are a terrible person, if you need to vent this is the place to do it, because we understand. If it gets really bad, its ok to go talk to a professional counselor they can help and we need all the help we can get. Lol.

[Linj10]

Thank you all SO much! It does makes sense that it is the frustration of not having complete control over my life tht gets me the most upset. I'm a very have it together, planned out, an organized person...knowing that I can't control this adds anxiety. Anger of what I feel like is something so ridiculous get to me, and frustration that I feel not one person around me understands. My fiancé is great, he has a coworker whose wife suffers from the same mvp and dysautonomia, and having someone who an explain it and deals with their wife suffering has made him understand a lot more. However, my parents, friends, and family do not always understand when I suddenly have a meltdown or I have to just stop what I'm doing. I feel like everyone else around me judges because they do not understand and it looks as if I'm lazy or crazy and then I feel like a wimp. I can deal with the MVP, it's the nervous system illness that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

[Chaos]

I've also noticed that when I'm trying to "push thru" to get things done when I'm feeling physically bad, my irritability factor goes up exponentially. It's almost like I can pull in the excess sympathetic drive to help me function enough to get through the situation, but it's going to make me, and everyone around me, miserable in order to do it. Not fun!