Bad Mom Syndrome

[erikainorlando]

OK..

My daughter is a cheer leader. Go girls!! My son plays baseball. I have POTS and can't work. I can only go for a few hours and then have to lay flat for a few hours...intermittent very sick episodes. Anyway, my daugther had a game tonite. My son had baseball practice. I took my daughter to the game (1 hour away) and told my ex-husband that I couldn't bring my son then to baseball for 1 1/2 hour practice. In fact I was already so guilty for not staying at the game with my daughter. My ex-husband said "well...it is part of being a parent Erika!!". I can't do it...I get way too sick...am I depreving my kids? I mean I know I am but I don't know how else to raise them. I get frightened that they would be better off with a healthy mom...or someone else. All I can do is rides sometimes...most times I ca't stay at a baseball game...or a football game..even when I stay for an hour I goo home and am so ill I think I am going to the hospital.

I don't know what to do...I love my kids...but I can't do much more than a few rides to extra-curricular activies a week...you know sometimes I can' barely stand...

Anyone relate...I know I have mentioned this before here but I need another pep talk.

Erika

[pat57]

You never know what lesson they might learn by your inabilities. Something valuable could come out of it. But I will tell you

what a therapist said to me when I asked a similar question. Well I said my kids deserve the best ,and his reply was, "they only need good enough".

I know how you feel.

good luck

[firewatcher]

Erika,

Sweetie, I'm sorry. I can only empathize and sympathize with you. It is work just to get dinner on the table...some nights it is fish-sticks and fries. I have no words of wisdom, just support and understanding.

(((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))

Jennifer

[Notgivinup]

I understand soooo much how you're feeling. I've felt like my 4.5 year old would be better off with a "normal" mother too.

But your kids love YOU. They know you are sick. It might not seem like it, but they understand more than they show. I know you feel guilty. Guilt is one of my biggest things, I need to work on. I'm learning.

Like I said in a previous post. This illness IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't ask for it. You are doing the best you can.

To know that you love them is all they really need. The rest is extra. The more you stress about stuff, the worse your condition will get.

Things will improve. They did for me, it took a long time. Almost three years of my only childs life! I'm too old to have anymore. I felt sad for me, I felt sad for him. But in the end again all they really need is to know you love them.

You will get better, just keep trying. Don't give up. And esp don't STRESS.

[Jan]

There are many healthy parents who do less than you do. Some have two jobs and have no time to see their kids sports and are too exhausted when they get home from work to even pay attention to their kids.

Some only have one job and miss all their kids activities due to their hours or because they have their own social life they put first.

Some parents just don't go to the activities. There are some kids whose parents I never saw at any activity.

Some are wealthy and travel and leave their kids with the nanny.

Many countries send their kids to boarding schools.

I miss my son's AM bowling league every Saturday because I can't do mornings. He understands. Now he can drive so he goes to practices on his own.

You can only do what you can do.

Be sure to tell your kids how much you wish you could be there for everything and get all the details of what you missed from them. Share their joy of victory, or agony of defeat.

Taking the time to talk to your kids and letting them know you are interested in their life is more than many parents do and it is more important than watching something from the side lines.

Does you X go to games and practices? If so, then the kids have one parent there, if not, he is way out of line saying it is part of being a parent. I rarely saw both parents at any of my sons activities.

Would your kids be better off with a healthy mom? I don't know, what if the healthy mom had to work long hours and was exhausted and crabby at the end of each day. Healthy mom might miss out on even more of the kids lives. Healthy mom might have her own life to lead and still miss her kids activities. Health doesn't make a person a good parent.

You are doing the best you can, your kids will be fine with a mother that loves them. Some kids don't even have a parent that cares as much as you do. Your kids are lucky to have you in their lives.

My kids told me they liked the fact that I was home for them even though I was sick. When I was working, life had it's own different set of difficulties.

[potsgirl]

I want to endorse what Jan wrote. I don't think I can say it any better than that, so please know I'm here and supportive, too. You will make a difference in their lives just by being a part of them. That's the most important thing - that you love them and they know it.

Cheers,

Jana

[maggie]

Erika,

Do you think the rest of us women here on this site did a perfect job of raising our children? Of course not! I have five children and thankfully I didn't get my pots until they were grown, but now comes the grandchildren. I don't even have the strength to pick up my grandaughter. All we can do is give these children that have been intrusted to us and do the best we can with what we are given. If you keep showing your children that you feel guilty about what you can and can not do you will be passing these thoughts on to your children. Parents are role models. Much better to be explaining to your children about what your limitations are and how you are learning to cope with them, then to keep expressing how guilty you feel. Start using your emotions to teach your children how to be helpful and compassionate to those in need. This will help them grow into mature adults. They will learn from a young age life isn't always fair, and that it is a choice as to how we deal with what comes our way. I don't mean to preach and I know your road is very difficult I wish I lived closer to lend a helping hand. Reach out to others around you for help, I'm sure there are those who would be willing to help, just as those of us here help with encouraging words. It's good that you can explain to us your frustrations and have a place to release all those negative emotions, now go and give those kids hugs and kisses from all of us here. Just know that you are their mother and can not be replaced no matter if that other person is healthier, prettier, or smarter. Your children love you and as they grow they will understand better all the things you did for them under such difficult circumstances.

Maggie

[erikainorlando]

You all arfe so great. Thank you for your encouraging words.

Jan - what a great message. Thank you. My ex-husband goes to some events and practices but he thinks I should do my share. He thinks I am bing lazy. He by the way has taken the kids all of 10 dys all year. And he is thousands of dollars behind in child support payments. So I know better than to get offended at his statements but I am already struggling with my own limitations...

Thanks for all your kind words....and as you know....i usually always did my share and then some...but I can't...it is nice to have a spot where you understand that it isn't that I could just push myself a little harder.

Erika

[Dawg Tired]

Jan is right on the nose! My ex husband took my son (my only child) away from me. Not legally but the court around here told me it was MY problem (If you ever get a divorce in Missouri, DO NOT fall for "joint custody"!).... Anyway, once he ended up with them they never took him to anything at all. They wouldn't even help with his fundraisers. Once he was singing in the Christmas program and Rick and I drove 70 miles to be there. Ex and his wife were not there. It was 22 degrees outside and Rick and I went to talk to DS after the program - during the program he kept looking up in the bleachers and Rick stood up and waved at him - he got the biggest grin on his face! But after the concert his dad wasn't there and I asked him how he was getting home... "Walk, Dad and Des sais it was too cold for them to get out". Uhmmm.... It was too cold for them to get out but they expected him to WALK a mile and a half in the cold?? Needless to say, we took him home.

His dad has him convinced I am just lazy. His dad is on disability but he roofs houses, rebuilds and installs car engines, finishes concrete and cuts/hauls firewood. Hmmmm.... Oh well, what comes around goes around. But Son refuses to leave his dad because "Dad might need me."

He's old enough to make up his own mind and it sounds like if your children didn't want to live with you they, too could change.

On the other side of the coin, last year Hubby and I took in a homeless kid so he could go to school and finish his high school. I baked cookies for bake sales a few times and he just about cried - never in his life had anyone done that for him.

I believe your children understand your limitations, and believe me - there are a LOT of parents who are able to and do nothing.

[EarthMother]

I am a BETTER MOM now than I was 10 years ago before my condition started going down hill. I did the "soccer mom" thing for my two younger kids when I could still drive everywhere. We did the family vacations at the beach, disneyland and museam trips. I also worked full time and only saw my kids for a few minutes each day and by the weekend I was exhausted and still working from home catching up on email and reports that my patience was non-existent. But in our society that's what MOM looks like -- we cook, clean, chauffeur, nag about homework, criticize and complain.

Since becoming disabled in 2007 I am now home full time with my two teen agers and fully available to my college girl when she calls on the phone or drops by for dinner. I can light a fire in the back yard and we can BBQ some veggie dogs and sit and enjoy each other's company. I can go for a very SLOW and short stroll in my wheelchair with them around our cul d'sac and listen to what they did during their day.

Though my body is often in pain, I am more at peace with what is happening around me and my kids are amazing because of it. My youngest -- who is 13 and only barely remembers my former self -- tells me how fortunate she is to have me for a Mom. How her friends don't eat dinner as a family, they don't bake whole grain bread with their mother and they don't roast bananas together in their backyard.

We live in a media centered society ... if your kids take their iPod out of their ears for even a moment to smile and say Love You Mom, then you are ahead of the game. I know for me ... that I have done more for my kids in the two years I have been disabled with POTS than in all the years I was driving them to and from sports, clubs, friends and shopping malls. I am HERE for my kids and I would not have been available or open to their needs had I been the "typical Mom" on the block.

[vemee]

I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough to have this condition with the support of family much less without their support. I can tell you that I have felt the same way about my performance as a husband and a father and I still wrestle with guilt and regret. I have been fortunate that my wife supports me but I always remember the things I couldn't do because I felt bad and didn't know why. Every time we went somewhere I played out with fatigue and headaches. Now that I know I have a real physical problem it is a little easier to take and my kids who are young adults now have an understanding of what has been going on with me. They have told me when I expressed regret of not being superdad that they did not miss anything and that they thought I did a fine job. I guess all you can do is do your best and explain to them why you have limitations, they may not understand now but they will when they are older. Again I am so sorry that your ex is not being supportive of you.

[Tammy]

I get the 'bad mom syndrome' feeling too. Everyone's advice has been amazing and true. Even though mine became life changing after a virus, I had a genetic disposition to it, as I grew up with my mom being weak and sick at times in the same way I am, but in those days doctors didn't know what it was and chalked it up to anxiety and stress. So I'm thankful that I'm living in a day and age when there are a FEW doctors who understand it and also computer and websites as this that offer support.

So from experience of being a child with a sick mom, I can say that it made me become a very compassionate and caring person.