Dating And Relationships

[rymac]

I'm new to this site here's some of my story.

I'm in my mid 30's and I was diagnosed with mitral valve prolapse about 10 years ago. All I was told to do was drink plenty of water and increase my salt intake. Two years ago I had surgery for a deviated septum. While recovering from that I lost some blood, was very inactive and my weight went from about 140 to 120lbs. I'm 5'11" tall.

I've always struggled with anxiety and some depression since my teens but this was a all time low.

Through the internet I self diagnosed myself with dysautonomia. A few months later I made it to Birmingham Alabama and was diagnosed by a Doctor. Then I went to the Mayo clinic to confirm the diagnoses and to get help for my health problems.

I had another sinus surgery at Mayo. They did a good job and took good care of me knowing my condition from the last surgery. I've had chronic back pain for most of my life but it is much better now thanks to some yoga.

I've always had health problems since my teens but no Doctor ever had a answer. I've read a few personal stories of other people with this condition and that seems to be a common thread.

My condition is not as bad as some others I've read about. I've never passed out . I do get dizzy when I get up from laying down or working on the ground. Some times my heart will race and then I take a beta blocker.

Anxiety is a constant issue for me. Also I don't drink, don't smoke, no caffeine and no sugar or sugar substitutes. I could go on for ever with my health problems but I'll stop here and get to my post.

I've spent most of my life alone and have not dated anyone since high school. After being diagnosed with this it was tough to accept. Anyway a nurse in a building I was doing some work in introduced me to another nurse. Gave her my number and she called me back a few days ago and we are going out this weekend. Actually I didn't even give her my number my coworker did but I let him know it was OK before he did. I'm looking for some dating advice. I have a lot of anxiety about this. I have no expectations other that going out to eat and talk with her.

Here is what I know about her. She has two kids and went back to school to get her nursing degree. She has not been on a date for 5 years and said she has been living under a rock to quote her. She said she is not really a drinker either. With work and 2 kids I'm sure this is true. Her coworker called her a sweetheart. Not really sure of her age but she has a few grey hairs and so do I.

I'm planning on paying for dinner and I'll most likely have to take a beta blocker to keep my heart from racing.

Looking for advice here. Please help me.

[mkoven]

I don't know that my input is particularly insightful. I didn't develop symptoms until I had been married for some time.

As much as possible, I would try to treat this as just a friendly encounter, to see if you two enjoy each other's company. I would neither focus on nor avoid the topic of health. When I meet people for the first time, albeit nonromantically, I mention some "health problems" that have interfered with life/plans. And people see my walker and orthopedic braces. If they want to know more, I tell them. But I don't typically share the whole story off the bat. and if you're having a bad day, I would probably say generically "I'm not feeling too well." that way you can get a sense of how receptive she is. And I would think about all the things that make you unique that you enjoy-- maybe a type of humor, or an interest in some particular topic, or where you grew up.

Dating is stressful, I think, for everyone. So many hopes. I used to be a total mess before I'd go out with someone, but it would usually be better once the date started, and we'd grope for common ground. the beta-blocker sounds like a good idea--anything to settle down before. If you are well enough to exercise, sometimes taking a long walk before a stressful event helps me burn off some adrenaline (before I injured my hip!). Or do some deep breathing, or something not related to the date. Even sorting out my sock drawer!

Again-- no expert here. Keep us posted.

[firewatcher]

Bluesman,

Welcome! One thing for certain, you will learn more about women and dysautonomia here than anywhere else you could go!

I hated dating, I was such a wallflower. This might seem like a couple of odd/harsh questions but here goes:

Why do you want to date? Companionship, just a good time out, or are you really looking for a wife?

Hindsight being 20/20, I should have never dated at all. I always took it too seriously and was always looking for a husband, not a casual, romantic night out. In the olden days, that was called "courting." I guess I was just really old-fashioned.

This distinction is actually important for your own happiness. If you are actually looking for a wife, you'll probably be unhappy with "dating." After a short, completely failed, emotionally excruciating marriage/divorce; I realized what I was looking for. I found my wonderful, supportive husband through a dating service. We both knew what we wanted going into the "getting to know you" phase and the intense pressure to please the other or be someone we were not was gone. We both were completely ourselves and it all "clicked!" We have had 13 happy years so far and two beautiful boys.

If all you want is a night out and a nice dinner with a pretty woman, then go have fun! Be yourself, and relax! In general, we don't bite.

Jennifer

[jump]

Hello and welcome!!!

I've had some experiences with dating while being chronically ill....

For me, my various illnesses, and the treatment of them, took up the vast majority of my time and mental space for years. This meant when I met new people, it was hard not to talk about it, since dealing with my health was kind of what I did all day. But, like mkoven, I really found that the best thing was to not talk about it too much at first. Healthy people have a hard time understanding what it's like to have chronic health concerns, and it can seem really overwhelming at first. I've found that the best thing is to be honest if it comes up (for example, someone on a date asked me once if I liked hiking, and I said I loved it but had some health problems that prevented me from doing it very much. At the time we had just met, so I didn't elaborate more than that). But not to talk too much about it in detail until people ask or are ready to hear it. Instead focus on the other aspects of your life. For me, this was good for me to do anyway, because, like I said, so much of my time had been consumed with my health that sometimes I felt like it was all there was about me. Making myself focus on my interests and the other aspects of my life made me remember that I am more than just an ill person, and this gave me confidence during the actual dates!

The important thing to keep in mind is that a good person for you is someone who isn't going to judge you. If you go out with someone and they judge you for being ill or for not having had lots of relationships in the past or whatever, then they are so not worth your time anyway. There are lots of nice people out there who will like you and appreciate you just as you are. If you meet someone who doesn't, it says a lot more about them and their values than it does about you.

Good luck and have fun!! If you get nervous or stuck for conversation, just ask her about her kids. Most people love talking about their children!!

take care,

jump

[rymac]

Thanks for the advice. I'm nervous, anxious whatever you want to call it about this date. I have no expectations other than I need to do this.

Only one date with a female friend since high school. That's a scary thought. I'm sure not many woman would be impressed by that. Not that I would tell them.

[dsdmom]

First of all, good for you for putting yourself out there. It's not easy - healthy or not. Just be yourself and relax - have no expectations and that way you can't be disappointed. Let us know how it goes.

[Ernie]

Hi,

I have been married with the same man for years so I don't know much about courting. I learned that you have to give yourself chance to love and be loved.

[firewatcher]

Bluesman,

Sorry to delve too deep, if I did. Don't try and impress her, just be yourself. I truly believe there is someone out there for everyone. She might be more like me and scare you off! You can't avoid talking about your illness and she can't avoid talking about her kids, so don't. Just don't let it dominate your conversation. Silence is not a bad thing either, don't feel like you have to fill it. Relax if you can, pick a quieter restaurant, keep it fairly short--that way you both have an "out." Just be YOU, that's the person anyone needs to know.

[pat57]

Do not try to impress her, just be yourself and that will impress her. Its call integrity.

Enjoy the food and the company- its that simple.

P.S. sorry if this is a repeat of others... ..... didn't read all the replies.

[ladyt]

hi..

meeting people when singel can be a bitt sceary, but it can also be a lot of fun.. Try to fokus on the fun part, and that u gett to meet a brand new person.. Its like a gift, u dont really know what u get and if its somthing u need.. But its a gift.. (i love gifts so..)..

and if somthing imbaresing happen, try to have a light hart about it (not always easy but, and if u dont see the humor when it happens it might be a fun andectote to tell our friends).. when I was getting to know my boyfriend all sorts of imberrising moments happend..

And she is probly as nervous as u... For me it helped to lower my expetesion (of my self and others..=)), and keep and open mind..

i hope u have a nice date, and that u enjoy it

[rymac]

Well I survived my date.

I found out we are both about the same age. She has three kids. A teenage son and two younger ones I would say close to 5 years old.

I exercised a little and took a beta blocker and believe it or not I didn't feel that nervous. We had good conversation and I didn't let a little bit of silence bother me. She did ask if I had kids and I said no and told her I had never been married. I don't know what she thought about that. What would most women think if they met a man in his late 30's that has never been married? I felt pretty good and didn't say anything about my health problems. I think I would consider going out again with her. I don't know how it would work out between the two of us. Her with 3 kids and me with dysautonomia.

If I did go out with her I don't know at what point I would have to tell her about me??

Right now I'm trying to enjoy the fact that I actually went out on a date and had a good time.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice. I'm sure I'll continue to need it. I feel like nobody understands what we go through just trying to live. Feel free to ask questions and offer advice.

[Sunfish]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! i wasn't able to chime in before your date since i've been in the hospital most of the past 2 weeks, & shouldn't write much now as i really need to get to sleep, but just saw your post & couldn't sign off without congratulating you on what sounds like a highly successful first date!!!

you asked what a woman would think of a guy in his late 30s who hadn't been married. these days that is NOT AT ALL unusual so i am very certain that it is NOTHING to worry about!!! in fact i would tend to think that a woman might think more highly of a guy who hadn't been married than of a guy who had already been in & out of one or more failed marriages (though of course it always depends on the individuals & the situations specifically involved....i am NOT trying to say that women can't &/or wouldn't be interested in divorced guys).

regardless of whether it goes anywhere further &/or how far that might be (one additional date or more of a relationship) you can now rest assured that you are dating material. at least for tonight & tomorrow try not to worry about the "what next" & appreciate your enjoyable evening. it sounds like you didn't end up mentioning anything about your health issues & you're right that, at some point, the subject will come up, but for now no need to worry.

i'll try to get back & write a more thoughtful post re: when & how to tell in the next day or two but for now simply wanted to congratulate you. i am truly very happy & excited for you....from what you've shared you have truly cleared a hurdle & accomplished something that you should be proud of.

congrats!!

melissa

[ladyt]

hi...

CONGRAT on a nice date...=) There is all sorts of people, and some for difrent reasons dont find love before late in life.. U are not the only one... I am ust so happy that u had a good time...

And if u go on more dates, mention the dys ting when natural... U dont have too poor uor soul out when dating casuall...=)

best of luck to u

[mkoven]

Glad to hear it went so well. I also wouldn't worry about what she thinks of the fact that you've never been married. I second what Melissa said. It's great that you had a good time and can imagine repeating! I find that socializing in general is good for me both mentally and physically. Again, not that you should actually avoid discussing your health, but I find it really refreshing to talk about/focus on non-health issues with people who enjoy talking to me. And once you find you can trust someone, you can see how they react when you explain more about what you struggle with and how much of your life has been affected.

It sounds like you are doing well enough, ans-wise, at least now, that you can stay upright for the length of the meal/conversation? In part when you tell depends on the point at which it might interfere with your plans? For example, if she suggests going somewhere that involves standing in a long line, you might need to say something, but could still be relatively general, like, "I have a hard time standing for long periods; I get dizzy; why not order tickets online, etc..." In other words, if she proposes something you can't do, I'd suggest an alternative that you can--so you show your interest in getting together, while still respecting your limits. I know that I get in big trouble if I agree to doing something I'm not really up for, so it's important to know what you are able to take on physically. Cause I really prefer to avoid ans meltdowns in general, for my own benefit, but also because I still find them embarrassing.

I usually end up saying a little bit when I first meet someone to explain why I squirm so much (joints) and why I can't stay standing, or walk too far. Initially I just try to be factual.

[Heiferly]

Congrats on your date! I definitely wanted to chime in that it is completely normal to be single in your 30s. In my circle of friends married couples are few and far between. There are a few couples that have either chosen to stay together and not marry or are engaged but not yet married. But the overwhelming majority of people are singles who are just dating different people here and there. Our ages span late 20s to late 40s, and age doesn't seem to be a determiner as to who is single.

I was recovering from a surgery when Alex first met me--hadn't even showered because I wasn't allowed to get the incision wet!! For Valentine's Day he bought me concert tickets, but we had to wait in a long line to get in and I just wasn't strong enough; he held me up by the waist through the line. I could go on, but the point is . . . illness does not automatically ruin a person's impression of you, and you can still date and even build a long-term relationship in the throes of it. Life is always going to have its ups and downs, and the right person will rise to the challenges with you.

[morgan617]

Hi Bluesman!

Sorry I haven't posted sooner. I have OCD and stomach flu is one of my worst triggers and there are posts about it everywhere, so I have been staying off forums. My brain knows better, but OCD runs the show.

Anyway, I have a 27 year old son who has been on about 2 dates. I mean official dates. He has horrific anxiety with anything new and especially at the thought of a relationship. He has seen all his friends get involved, some get married and many having a lot of difficulties with them, when all his friends are healthy. He has crohn's and juvenile onset arthritis, which involves lots of bouts of diarrhea, exacerbated by stress. It is pretty humiliating to him. However, what he has really seen is, it doesn't seem to matter whether you are sick or not. Some relationships are not meant to be, some are certainly not worth the effort, and you don't have to be sick for a relationship not to work.

It's not about being sick, it's about putting yourself out there and being willing to be vulnerable. That's hard for healthy people, let alone those of us with extra baggage. Think of this nurse. She is probably certain no would ever want a single mom of three. That has nothing to do with health issues, but is just as terrifying to her as your anxieties are to you. I am betting she would be far more understanding simply due to her circumstances, then maybe you are willing to give her credit for. it sounds like your date went well overall. There are bound to be awkward little moments when anybody is on a first date.

I tell jake to be up front. I have to push him hard and still am, but he and YOU deserve to be just as happy as anyone else, healthy, sick, or whatever. it's all about how much you are willing to put yourself out there. Will you get hurt, maybe. But I think the not knowing what could have been is so much harder than having never taken the chance to find out.

I believe there is someone for my Jake and I believe there is someone for everyone. it just depends on whether you are willing to step into life and find out.

I am certain that jake will come home one day and tell me he has met the girl he's going to marry. he may be in his thirties, because that's how long it took him, it may be next week, or he may be a lot older. It will happen when the time is right and he is not just settling for something. It will happen for you when you are ready to face the fear of getting hurt and discovering we all get hurt and it doesn't have to kill us. I don't believe there's a person on this earth that hasn't been hurt in a relationship. When you realize it can hurt, but it doesn't have to destroy you, or the relationship, you will be ready for all life has to offer, pain, happiness, work, disappointment, pleasure. Peaks and valleys we all go through.

I can't know what you feel, Jake says women only want "bad boys" and he is just wired to be nice. Well, that may be with a lot of women, but I can assure you, not all. Jake is not quite ready, but it sounds like you are on the edge of finding out some wonderful things about yourself, like what an amazing guy you are, in spite of your health. And someone else is going to see that too, in spite of you! Maybe it won't be this nurse, but you should be very proud of what you have done. it was a big step and you did a great job! Just keep stepping forward. If you fall, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and welcome yourself to the realities of EVERYONE's life!

Good luck sweetie, and now I must go wash my hands...ocdmorganmama

[rymac]

Thank You Morgan617

I did call back the nurse a few days after our date. We both said we had a nice time. I asked her if she would like to go out again sometime and she said yes.

It looks like we will go out again. I'm looking for some advice about when to tell her about my illness.

The second date would be too soon I think?? How much do I tell her? She is a nurse.

Also over Christmas this whole situation has turned on my anxiety switch. I've had trouble sleeping and when I'm alone I'm experiencing more anxiety than usual. I take toprol xl when needed. I'm thinking of going to the Doctor and going back on klonopin. I use to take it every day but might just take it as needed.

[rymac]

I have been looking for advice on telling her about my illness. I hope someone can help?

[shadesofgrey49]

I wish I could give you an answer, but I'm pretty new with this.

Maybe you can start by telling her you have a chronic condition, and decide how much more you want to tell her based on how interested she is or if she asks more. I wouldn't wait too long to at least let her know that it really affects your life.

[mkoven]

In earlier posts it looks like there were some good suggestions. Myself, I would first bring it up connected to how it might affect some activity you might do together. So if she were to suggest something that involves a lot of standing, for example, I'd say something like, "unoftunately, I have a condition that makes it hard for me to stand longer than such and such amount of time. I get really lightheaded...." and then see how she reacts.... and then later you might say, "remember how I told you I have a hard time standing? It's actually connected to a more longstanding condition I have that has really affected me." and then you sort of have to play by ear what more you say, based on how she reacts. Personally, I wouldn't tell her everything all at once, as I think getting to know and trust someone is usually best done in a gradual way-- as much as one might be tempted to rush things, either to get it over with and see if it's a dealbreaker, or to hurry the "getting-to-know-you" process. I'm sure she has things that she is concerned about your finding out about her. So I don't think there's a single moment when you should do it all. I would start off with a pretty factual description of the condition, and a brief mention that it has affected you a lot. As you get to know each other more, you can let her in on how profoundly it has impacted many areas of your life.

Or you could mention in passing that you have to go to a doctor's appointment... and then later elaborate.

And I wouldn't feel ashamed of having a chronic condition. this is something that has been beyond your control. It's very different from "fessing up" to something like having been in prison or substance abuse--(not that those are simple either. I just imagine those would be even harder to disclose.) Lots of people have something that is awkward to talk about...even something like taking antidepressants--which is incredibly common, and something that might be hard to talk about to a potential partner. And I guess the problem with ans stuff is that it is so often invisible. So you have to decide. My walker immediately announces to the world that something is up, and invites curiosity. If you ever used something like a seat cane, this might have a similar effect of naturally making the problem more visible, so easier to discuss?

but I think this point in dating is hard for everybody. It's terrific that you're doing this.

[firewatcher]

bluesman,

If this is causing anxiety, go back on your meds! That is what they are for! Don't worry about telling her about your condition, it will come up. If you have a mutual friend (the nurse who introduced you) she may already know and just not know how to bring it up with you! We all have our "baggage," things that are not ideal that we gloss over or hide. She has three children and I can guarantee that their daddy is a painful subject that she is waiting to "come up." Understand that she is just as vulnerable as you are and she is sweating this like you are even without anxiety issues. The pain of dating after a failed marriage is very raw. You never know when you'll have a gut reaction to something the new guy does that reminds you of "that other guy." Don't feel sorry for her, pity isn't attractive, just be as gentle with her "baggage" as you want her to be with yours. Stop dancing on eggshells, you are both stronger than you think.

Hang in there!

Happiest of New Years!

[shelby]

Hi all...

Bluesman, I posted something about dating a while ago when I first became single after a six year engagement. I think you might find some interesting stuff in there.

Sounds like your date went good and the after date call as well. Thinking that she is a nurse I am sure she will be understanding and accpeting of your illness. I do have the fainting so if and when I meet someone I would feel more comfortable telling them about my illness before I went out with them, just incase.

Hope dating goes good for you...

[coloredblood]

Hey,

The thing I would say is most important is to trust yourself. And don't think of this as a it must work or it will crash and burn type thing. sometimes it's the right person and sometimes it isn't. I have been with a man I met after I got sick and we are very happy. He doesn't mind it and there are a lot of people out there who don't. Just know that you are you and not your health issues. Good Luck. I wish you the best.

[rymac]

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[rymac]

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