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I'm going stir-crazy, I need to meet someone other than


UnicornIsis
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I need some help or ideas as to how to meet people.

I'm not completely housebound, but I can't do much either. I can't drive, or go anywhere by myself. Until I got married in September I lived with my parents and borther and my mom stayed home to take care of me. And we lived around all the rest of my extended family, which was 22 of us total. I have to brag for a second, its now 24, 23 is my husband and #24 is my new baby cousin Daniel!! There are now 2 grandbabies in the family, a girl and a boy!!!! <_< Okay, back to the topic. My husband is in the Navy and when we got married I moved down to his duty station in Jacksonville, Florida. He has family in FL, but they're all in lower FL, several hours away. He gets new orders soon and it looks like we'll be here for several more years at least (if he gets the orders he wants).

My husband has tried introducing me to to wives of guys in his command, but it just hasn't worked out for one reason or another. There is a couple that lives in the same apartment complex as us and the wife is a stay-at-home-mom. But she's about 10 years older than I am and we have nothing in common and NONE of the same interests. We've run out of things to talk about and they have a 2 year old son that drives me crazy to try to keep up with him, he's ADHD.

I wouldn't be so stir-crazy if I had family around to come visist me like before, but there's nobody down here. The only people I see now are my husband for the few hours he doesn't work and other people's pets in their apartmetns or on their patios on the days I feel good enough to walk to get the mail. Oh wiat, I forgot someone, I see the ducks in the pond on our side of the building. Yeah, husband, pets, ducks. LOTS OF PEOPLE!!! NOT!!

My husband works nights right now, which means he goes to work by 2:30 pm and he gets home between 2:00-3:00 am. So he can't take me anywhere in the afternoons or nights to meet people or even just get out of the house. And we're both so tired on weekends and wake up so late because we don't try to keep a different schedule on weekends, that everything's closed or WAY TOO crowded and noisy by the time we get there. Even Wal-Mart is too much for me to handle on a Saturday night to just get groceries.

Does anybody have any ideas?

Thanks, just for listening.

UnicornIsis

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Hi,

I started to make new friends when I got my power chair and was able to leave the house on my own. I made friends with 3 other disabled person and we get along well together. The bond we share is that we know what being sick means and we have compassion and understanding for one another. We know each one has different limits and we respect that.

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Unicorn,

I notice that we are about the same age, and I kinda know how you feel. Last year I moved out of my Mom's house into my own house. My Mom's house was always noisy and busy, ( I have 3 younger brothers). And in this house it's always so quiet. I don't have any really good answers for you besides to make suggestions of things you can do to occupy your time until you are able to get out and about. I read books, I surf the net, I call friends/family, I crochet and I spend alot of time talking to my two cats and two dogs. Hopefully you can find something to entertain you at home until your hubby maybe has different hours? and maybe visit with the woman in your apartment complex every once in awhile so you don't feel completely isolated. And don't forget, you can always PM me anytime, I could always use a new friend!

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Thanks ladies.

When I finally have something to talk about I WILL definatly PM you two!!

Thanks for contacting me, I really apperciate it.

The age difference with the lady in the complex here is not so much that she's older than me, its that she's been through more and very different experiences than I have. She worked at something seh really enjoyed for a while, she is a TOTAL party girl. She passed out drunk with her son around without anyone else to watch him. Her friend was passed out drunk on the sofa and the husband was downstairs "helping" a neighbor move while drinking more beers. The both of them, especially the wife, are so into drinking, I wonder how she felt adult enough to get married and to have a kid. And she just doesn't seem to understand me being sick. For instance she would ask me if I was going back to school, after I had just said I didn't have the energy to work or even stand up for long periods of time and I took a lot out of me to clean the house and keep it up. I mean, if I have trouble cleaning the house, yeah, I want to add school on top of that, because I don't have enough to do and I want to depleate even more energy. I had to smile and just sit there and say it was too much to handle, "at least right now". Its hard to try to socialize with someone who seems to have NO COMCEPT of what it means to be sick for more than a week or so.

Sorry for venting.

Thanks Ladies.

UnicornIsis

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Wow, it sounds like the age difference isn't the problem with your neighbor. It's VALUES difference and she has OBVIOUS drinking problem.

DOn't subject yourself to the likes of those...it will suck out what little energy you have.

I wish I had ideas but I am in the same boat and mainly "visit" on phone with friends. Age makes NO DiFFERENCE to me...I have friends my age (49) 10 years young and 21 years older. It's all about common interests or core values shared.

I am much older than my 70 year old friend about some things! LOL. She is very conservative yet marrried to a man 20 years her junior!!! He is a sweetheart and they get along great and been together for YEARS.

I used to be conservative but now am strongly INDEPENDENT with no political affiliations. :D

So you never know what kind of friends you will make but at least start out with sober ones.

That makes me sad to think of that little boy being raised by such drinkers. You need more mature, and emotionally healthy people as well.

I listen to talk radio during the day and it helps a lot to keep thoughts going and brain stimulated (Unless it dets into a political name calling/depressing phase and then off goes the switch and I surf the net and read from bed or email. I have good local guys to listen to on radio and have met and been friend with one off and on over the years... a very funny guy in the late afternoons. and I can email one of them or call on the air when the mood strikes. I used to send him wacky stuff I found in a paper years ago and became part of the program and then got an invite to meet him. A friend used to live near his studio and i would drive down and spend the night. I even adopted a cat from one of his now, former co-host. That was years ago and he still calls to see how I am doing every once in a while.

So you just NEVER KNOW how you may stumble into people.

Good luck and I hope you adapt to the situation.

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Dear UnicornIsis

Hi, I totally agree with Sophia, those type of individuals will take all of your energy and it's usually best not to get involved with that type of person unless you have plenty of energy to waste.

Speaking as a 20 year (now retired) military wife that has traveled around over the world and seen and met many types of people, you have to be careful with whom you decide to devote your energy to, especially since energy is a limited commodity on a regular basis.

I take it you are living in military housing? either or, over the years while in the military, we came across some live ones ourselves (more than I cared to know about) like your neighbor, and I found that a lot of people who were having the most major problems with their situations were the ones who were drinking heavily and making other unhealthy unwise choices and didn't take care of themselves let alone their families so the children and husbands or wives, whatever the case, suffered terribly such as what your neighbor is doing to her son.

My advice to you from experience with this is avoid those type of individuals like the plague and just to concentrate on your family, home, church (if you are so inclined), any military wives function you can attend for entertainment and outside socialization. They usually have some volunteering going on the bases here and there, even if you are only able to physically do minor things, it does help. It makes you feel needed and good inside and also helps out where needed.

Another thing I did (even if you do not have children) is volunteer at your local school especially if you have one located right on base, they are always in need of people to help out where ever needed to Xerox papers, typing, help out the overworked teachers, or office staff. They usually will take whatever hours you are able to give them, or work at home and deliver the papers back plus you'll meet outside people.

Another thing is to do is volunteer at a nursing home or local hospital, you'll meet some super people and again the hospitals are usually very grateful for any time you can donate to help when you can. You can also explain health issues and they will understand the limitations if you can't come that day.

I've had health issues through our entire marriage and the entire 20 years of time while he was in service so I understand how you are feeling. If you are not physically able to contend with things outside the home at this time, you may in the future so be patient with yourself and pat yourself on the back for being a military wife and taking care of your husband and home especially if he is off on his duty. You deserve a pat on the back, its tough stuff being a military wife and there when the hubby is gone alot especially if you have health problems that very little people seem to understand.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.

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Guest tearose

You got many great suggestions already so there is not much more I can add...

I hope it helps to know that these isolated feelings will come and go too. When I am in a "good" functioning place physically, I don't feel so isolated. It is when I relapse or am in a slight decline that everything is harder. I know that it will pass so I do many of the things that were suggested. Read, go on line, do a craft, and I too find it hard to go out sometimes from sheer exhaustion.

I recently picked up a book from the library to read for today's discussion group(this afternoon)....but I haven't had enough sustained strength or concentration to read the darn book! But ya know what? I'm going to have my hubby drive me over to the group this afternoon just to sit there and try to be part of it!

I haven't been there before but I'm bound to expand my thoughts and maybe meet some interesting people!

I have been thinking about finding or helping form a "chronic illness support group". There are many invisible disabilities and people can learn from each other. Could you look into a group on the base? Maybe you could start a little group centered around a theme? Make it flexible and something you would enjoy. It wouldn't have to be health related, it could be a field you find interesting.

best regards, tearose

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Dear UnicornIsis,

If you can't get the horse to the water, then bring the water to the horse.

In other words if you can't get out to see people, then attract them to come to you. Are there any kinds of games you like? Cards--here's a good one if you like games--Mah Jong. Or do you want to learn a new game? You could post on the bulletin boards at the base for people who like a certain kind of card game or other game to get them to come to you. You can even specify a non-smoking, non-perfume wearing group.

Same thing goes for knitting and sewing circles.

I do not go out much but I have a wonderful group of women friends who are all willing to come here to see me. They will come for lunch almost anytime and they bring their own lunch! I also have an occasional very silly party. I have to have lots of help from my husband to get it together. And I also work on the set up for days even weeks in advance. This gets my assortment of friends together and they now know each other and like each other.

Several years ago, I made a decision to get rid of anyone as a friend who did not take me or my illness seriously, who showed any signs of competitiviness with me or who were deceptive or sneaky, or underhanded in any way. In other words, I got rid of all the toxic people in my life. This left me without many friends at all. But I had decided that I would rather be left alone than spend time with anyone who was not truly worthwhile.

I am a writer. One thing I did was to call the contact persons for writer's gorups and tell them that I am a writer and was looking for writing friends. The reason I did this was that writers are apt to be creative and open to new experiences and those were the people I was looking for. The best friend I have today I found as a result of that search that I did over the phone. I invited her to come see me and she is still coming. Two more good friends I found in neighbors. Another I found at a part-time job I did for awhile.

One thing I always avoid is anyone who is an addictive personality and also those who are enablers. You will often find an addict married to an enabler. I have learned to avoid people who are married to abusers or addicts. These people seem really nice and they have a genuine problem, which is the spouse, but if they are staying with the spouse and merely complaining about the rotten life they have, they are not friend material for me. I want my friends to be doing the best they can for themselves.

If you can pinpoint what interests you, then there are others who are interested in the same thing and some of them will be willing to come to you.

Good luck!

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Everyone gave great advise, but I VERY much agree with Michiganjan: I am 34 years old and have been dealing with a chronic illness for about 12 years now.....

The one thing I have learned is that I put myself ,my well being.,happiness and health first and foremost and make NO excuses to Anyone about anything that has to do with illness.. I also relaized that in this world if you have 1 TRUE friend then you have done very well.

I surround myself only with positive energy and people that make me feel good. I discarded many many "dead weight" so called friends such as the woman you describe that lives in your complex...life is too short... Be in tune with other peope and how they make you feel...you'll know right away if they are a good fit for you and if not never feel bad for letting them go.

Just a thought: I wonder if You could start some sort of group at your home....Either in a hobby you enjoy doing, or a group of people in your area with chronic illness...you would be suprised how many are out there that have health struggles.....

I have friends of all ages.... I have realized that age is only a number and you can connect with anyone if they are the right person in the right place at the right time for you.

Hang in there...... I can imagine how difficult it is for you to be far away from home and family but keep trying...you I think you will find some nice people that you will enjoy eventually.

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