Going To Try And Put A Smile On My Face Each Morning No Matter What. Can I Do It?

[blueskies]

Over the past 12 years I have grown more and more miserable. I find it hard to keep my spirits up. I've got the pots symptoms, erythromelalgia, the pain of all sorts, depression, and now lots of anxiety, etc. Each morning I wake up with something hurting or 'wrong' with my body or head - some symptom or two. And I know my grim face betrays how I'm feeling. And I also know my husband is sick of seeing me look this way. As are my grown children. Although I laugh at times and smile when there's a joke or one of my grandchildren does something that makes me smile, I mostly have the expression of one who looks absolutely miserable. And it does not serve me well. Not only does it depress those around me, it makes me feel weaker not stronger.

So, when I woke up this morning I pasted a smile on my face. Essentially I want to just smile instead of grimace. I figure that if I can do that, the world can only get better for me.

I'm writing this here as a reminder to myself -- so I don't 'slip back' and forget to do it.

blue

[Becia]

A friend of mine challenged me about a month ago to find 3 Positives for each day, and to write them down, so I have them to see everyday. No matter how bad my day can be, with symptoms, emotions, business, anything, I am to find 3 positives. Oh my goodness, it can be so hard... but I managed to do it.

Today's 3 Positives are:

1. I woke up. Took me a bit to get going, and I wished I could have gotten going sooner, but I managed to get up and get dressed safely. Wished I could have stayed in bed, but...

2. I went to church, and had a decent time. I interpreted for a deaf man for the service, and while it was so hard physically, I managed it. Passed out for a few minutes after getting to the car from it all, but I feel accomplished if I can at least try to help communicate. I love signing, it is very much part of me. I also got about a 20 minute nap to "recharge" in the car while we were heading out to lunch.

3. I threw guiso into the crock pot before we left for church (guiso is an Argentinian stew that's salty, spicy and delish), and now have a good meal for the rest of the week with minimal work. All I have to do is roll out some tortillas if I want, and boom, dinner. I can save my energy I would use to cook meals to shower now, or if I want, make dessert. I want banana pudding for some reason, or banana cake. Something banana.

My 3 positives can be something great, like good results from doctors, or going some places, but lately they've been harder to find, but they're there. A few days ago, when I got out of the hospital, literally, my 3 positives were "I ate two bites of banana and kept them down. My headache is only a 7. I made it 4 steps to the bathroom." I'm obsessed with bananas, can you tell, lol? I guess being on the BRAT diet lately because of my stomach and swallowing, it's taking a toll.

I once told my therapist I guess I'm stronger than I think, because everyone I've talked to has been like "I don't see how you live like that, with the pain, the symptoms, the triggers. I would have gone crazy by now." Well, I have gone crazy, I just hide it better than my family, lol.

Keep your chin up Blue, and I'm praying for ya. I know how you feel. I'm honestly at a pretty low valley in my emotional health right now, and its not easy. *HUGS*

[blueskies]

thanks Brecia,

The 3 positives is a good idea. I'm really glad to hear it helps you. And may well try it in the future. I've had to come to accept the pots stuff and all the rest is not going away anytime soon. But that if I persist, one thing I can work on changing is my attitude. If I can just remember to put a smile on my face each morning, no matter what, I will consider that a win over this crappy disease.

Well done on the signing in Church. I'm an avid reader of Victor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning," and when I find myself feeling so down, like I have been lately, I pull out this little book and read it. Your giving of your time and energy (those precious spoons) towards signing for someone has real meaning. Well done, you.

blue

[Alison]

Sorry you are feeling miserable. Sending you some hugs.

[corina]

You are a trooper blue! I applaud you for putting on a smile, I hope you will get many smiles in return! I'm sending you one

[Becia]

LOL, I'm wishing I had kept a couple spoons really. I just now began to get out of bed, and ended up loving up on the wall for a few minutes.

Sometimes the 3 positives help, and sometimes, they truthfully, hurt. I may have a good week and when I read back in my journal all my positives so I can take note of them when I go see my therapist, it makes me so mad, if I'm not still on "par" with that week. My body changes each day, hour, minute it seems, and when I'm reading "I worked out today, I increased my stand time, I ate a hamburger" in a moment when I'm lucky I didn't break something falling on my way to the bathroom, or when I just had a set of seizures because my body isn't compensating for sitting up even, or when I have an IV in my arm at the moment, because I'm throwing up water... they hurt. People say they are goals to aim better for, to know your body can do this, or you can do whatever if you put your mind to it, but it still doesnt change the fact I don't handle change well, and if I went from doing really good to really bad so fast, I beat myself up for it. Like, what did I do to make that good stuff end?

Its not me, its POTS. I have POTS, it doesn't have me is a saying I have, but sometimes, it has me. It has me really good.

I like the smile a day thing though. My Dad always used to say to me before I headed to school or work "Smile, it makes them wonder what you're up to."

[looneymom]

Hang in there. Celebrate your smiling and find silly joke book to read.That helps my son. Writing down three positive things is a great idea too. I'm also looking for some more things to keep my son more poitive Blue. Glad you put out this post. Hope you feel better soon. Hugs!!!

[corina]

I just remembered I have a t-shirt saying: Smile, it's free! I love wearing it!

[gjensen]

You certainly can do it. This stuff gets to me sometimes, but mostly I stay in good spirits. You will not catch me smiling when it is at it's worse, but I have too much to be thankful for not to smile at all.

I have found that a sense of humility is a key point in being able to tolerate this well (for me). Recently that has been a little more challenging.

I read somewhere that humility is not a virtue, but the root from which all virtue springs.

This is not advice. Just something that has helped me. With this in mind I do not tend to beat myself up with this as much. Settles some of the inner struggle that I have.

[blueskies]

You are a trooper blue! I applaud you for putting on a smile, I hope you will get many smiles in return! I'm sending you one

Thanks Corina,

I woke up and put the smile on my face this morning, but my smile came naturally when I read your post. You made me feel better. No small thing!

blue

[blueskies]

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Looneymom, you are a championmom. I read your posts regularly.

Becia, I love your Dad's "Smile, it makes them wonder what you're up to." LOL. Plus I can relate to 'what did I do to make the good stuff end?'. On a reasoning, logical level I know I did nothing. Or if I did, it was a part of just living. But I'm also an emotional person and sometimes it's very hard not to feel that we are somehow responsible for our bodies not co-operating. Sometimes I just defy logic, to my own detriment.

Thanks for the hugs, Alison. I've got more smiles on my face.

Gjensen, I'm glad to hear you can stay in good spirits most of the time. It encourages me.

blue

[Chaos]

http://www.cortjohnson.org/blog/2014/04/27/coping-mecfs-will-always-hard-ways-make-little-easier/

This seemed like a timely article given your discussion blue.

I think there is some truth to what she says in the article about choosing who we want at our cocktail party or who and what we want to focus the spotlight on in our life drama.

While life can be really miserable at times with these diseases, I can not see how making everyone else around me miserable is going to make my life more satisfying. Making sure that everyone around me knows just how sick I am also doesn't help really. It just feels like I'm getting in a ******** contest to see who has the more icky life. Who cares? Everyone has burdens to bear. Many have it much, much worse than I do. Some have it so much easier. Life's not fair, never has been, never will be. The challenge, as I see it, is to help each other make it thru each day, the best way we can as we all shuffle along doing our best to deal with the ups and downs that life inevitably throws at us.

I am so very grateful to all of you who come here and share the ups and downs and can relate to the burdens we share together. It's so nice NOT to have to explain just how bad living with this is here. And makes it easier to live with the rest of the world who just don't get it. Knowing I have a group here I can come back to who understands makes it easier to paste that smile on my face for the rest of the world to see.

[AllAboutPeace]

I like this idea, blue, thanks for sharing it! You are inspiring - you all are inspiring! I will try to smile more often, too.

Last week, I was at my doctors office waiting for him to come in the room. I haven't seen him for a long time, so I knew he'd be asking me the dreaded 'how are you?' question and asking for a progress update. I've grown weary of the same response. I can get up everyday, appreciate what I have and live life as it is, but I dread having to sum it up and describe it out loud. It deflates me at the beginning of the appointment. My instinct is to be positive and upbeat, but In order to give the doc a clear picture, I can't do that. That morning, I was feeling particularly awful. I hadn't been able to eat for the three previous days, still had nausea, shortness of breath and worse than usual tachy.

Anyway, he came into the room and asked how I was doing. I looked at him, paused, then said, "Can I lie to you? I really want to lie about it". He smiled and told me to go ahead. So I said, emphatically, "I feel great!! So amazing!!". Even though it was an absolute lie, I was surprised at how good it felt to even say those words. Also, he got the point right away and even better, it resulted in us both smiling. And, ironically, he was more empathetic than ever before. He might just as easily have thought I was crazy. Lol.

blue, the comment you made about your expression making you feel weaker, not stronger really made sense to me. I hadn't really thought about it before, but that is how I feel when I'm sitting in the doctors office answering the 'how are you' question. Weak. In a way it does feel like this illness has all the power at that moment. Well...no more...now that I've discovered how effective lying can be . {kidding, of course}.

[Chaos]

AllAboutPeace- Ha ha! Love it. And oh-so-true. On the rare days I make it to the grocery store and the clerk asks the requisite "how are you?" and I smile and say "great!", I feel somewhat smug and powerful and like "hey, faked you out, didn't I". Makes me somehow feel like I still have some control left and that the illness hasn't totally taken over my life. I can still be "great!" if I want to be, even though much of the time I'm not.

You put it so well!

[AllAboutPeace]

Too funny, Chaos - faking people out! That is exactly how it feels...and like a little victory over Pots.

I love your line "I can still be 'great' if I want to be".

[BeforeTheMorning]

Ha ha AllAboutPeace and Chaos. It's kind of funny that people can believe you're feeling great when really you just feel really ill. The other day when I was wandering around feeling worse than usual, someone kindly commented on how great it was to see me with so much energy! This really is an invisible illness!!!!

Blue you're amazing to keep putting that smile on your face when things are tough, keep it up, you're being an inspiration to the rest of us to keep putting that smile back on!

Best Wishes,

Lyla

[blueskies]

Oh, just lost what I'd written before I could finish and post it.

Thank you, Chaos. The link was great. I've spent some time on the net trying to find articles like this one. I need all the encouragement I can get. I appreciate it.

AllaboutPeace,

I loved your post about your visit to the doctors. Coincidently, I had a sort of similar experience 2 days ago when my sister came to see me and take me to a docs appointment across town. Afterwards, we were sitting and talking at my place and I had continued to try and be upbeat etc. I was smiling a lot. We had a lot of fun. But I think I was smiling more than I usually do with her even though we often have a great time together (she is my biggest supporter and I love her dearly, not just because of that, but she is truly one of the kindest people I have ever had in my life). Mid conversation she stopped and said, "honey, you don't look well today." I told her I was fine, that I'd feel a bit better soon. She was completely empathetic but somehow I felt better that I had not burdened her with how I was really feeling. And I did feel like I was going to be a bit better soon. After her visit I was able to continue to wind down and relax and I did feel a lot calmer than I did when I'd woken that morning. I haven't explained myself well..trying to get to a point...I think her comment showed me that some people still take notice of how you are in a kind caring way even if you are smiling. Similar to your doc. I still haven't quite made my point. I'll give up for now. LOL.

Lyla, thankyou for your response. It has helped me. I'm just trying to change my attitude/response to what, most of the time, seems an impossible situation. Thinking of a new slogan for myself. I just tried this one. "It may take my health but it's not getting any more of my spirit.' Not to sure about it. LOL. But it will do for today. I want to be fun to be around, not a drag.

Today will be a challenge to try and stay a little smiley as one of my most hated symptoms is giving me a hard time. The challenge is not to get caught up in it emotionally. To try and give it absolutely no more concern than it demands. Yesterday I woke with a breakthrough migraine and decided not to take a med for breakthrough migraine and I think my newly adopted (and still at the practicing stage) attitude might have led to that migraine resolving itself later in the day without becoming a crisis. Coincidence, probably. But not entirely convinced it was just coincidence. Not sure. But trying to be accepting and put a smile on my face is certainly not hurting me. I don't know, but waking up and remembering to smile (it can take a few minutes to remember, lol)....well, it just feels like it's going to help me. And those around me.

I thank all of you for your support. This is the place where I can 'tell it like it is, without having to burden family with it all.

Thank you Lyla. Especially For your encouragement. I've had that sort of 'invisible illness' experience too. I actually went through a period of wishing it was visible so I didn't feel I had to be always explaining myself. But I've realized I just don't have to explain myself. That, although it helps for people to know I'm not doing so great sometimes, I don't have to overshare.

with so much thanks,

blue