30 Day Medical Leave - Feels Like I'm Letting Everyone Down.

[Kris4444]

I met with my rheumatologist on Friday. I explained to him how horrible my memory has become. At work I am making mistakes and things I have worked on look unfamiliar to me. I am forgetting conversations that I've had both at work and at home. My work requires being extremely accurate and I pride myself on being detail oriented. At least I did...

My pain and headaches are getting worse. My weekends are spent sleeping in between loads of laundry and trying to save up enough energy to get through another work week. My house is a wreck. I have no energy for my kids or my husband. I'm not doing well and I've been here before. I need a break.

My therapist told me that it was time to consider a 30 day medical leave. I brought this up with my rheumy and he agreed.

This is the busiest season at work (I work for a CPA) and my co-workers are counting on me. My boss suffered a stroke last year and I am his right arm. I can't bear the thought of leaving him there to fend for himself when I know there is no one else who will take care of him.

I worry about our finances. I don't think we can do this on one income. We have 4 children (2nd marriage for both of us, I have 2 and he has 2) and a ton of bills. I'm scared to take the step. When I left my doctors office on Friday he said to think about it and let him know. After being at work for 5 minutes I was rudely awakened to how badly whatever this disease is, is behaving right now. I told my rheumy to send the letter and now I am beside myself with worry and guilt.

At first my husband didn't want me to do this, he said he was worried about me being alone. We had a long talk and I think he gets it now, he even said it's ok to call the doctor and have him send the letter. Still, I feel like a failure.

I need to get better and I can't do it when I'm this fatigued. I am supposed to be exercising every day but I just don't have it in me. If I take the time off work I can catch up on my sleep, start exercising and eating better, maybe even (with the help of my doctor) take a medication vacation and see what I can possibly get off of that might be contributing to my symptoms (like my norepinephrine level of 1199 upright).

I don't know how we will do it but I don't see another option for me right now. I need a break.

Thoughts? Ideas?

Thanks,

Kris

[FarmerAmy]

I totally support you taking time off of work. I know that my work adds to my stress and my POTS symptoms. I am self-employed and this is my slow time of year. I know I am feeling better now because I can focus more on my health than my work.

Your busy tax season lasts another 10 weeks. I think it would be hard to "tough it out" for that long. And really, there is no good time for you to take off work. Also, the world won't end just because you can't be at work.

I can relate to worrying about finances. My husband and I own a vegetable farm and our income was low enough when I was healthy. Now it is even harder because I am sick and can't work much. But really, the most important thing is my life and my health. It's not going to do me any good to dig myself an early grave by working too much when I really need to recover. (Remind me that I said this when I am really busy in August! )

Your husband and kids will do best if you are happy and healthy--not stressed and sick. Do what you can to get better.

Good luck with your decision!

Amy

[AllAboutPeace]

Kris,

I'm sorry to hear that you are finding yourself in this position - it's not an easy one

The very best thing you can do, IMHO, is to stop - take your break- and take care of yourself. You are not a failure! Be as compassionate to yourself as you would be to someone else. I always felt that super sense of responsibility with work, too, but I didn't step back until my body completely shut down and pushing through was no longer an option. I was the one with the ideas, the dedication, attention to detail, trying to take care of everyone, etc, etc. It was very hard to let go, but my recovery only started when I was actually able to let myself off the hook mentally. I remember being hospitalized- just getting news that the docs found suspicious spots on my brain scan, my lung scan, a breast lump (that had grown), and I was only physically capable of flopping into a wheelchair or going to the bathroom. I was on my phone texting work to make sure things were followed up and feeling responsible for having left abruptly . My co-workers and boss were worried about me and the last thing they wanted me to be doing was thinking about work. They told me they'd take care of everything, but I still felt responsible. Since your boss had a stroke last year, I'm sure he understands how important your health is.

Your boss will be ok and your family will be ok too- people adapt to all kinds of situations all of the time and you don't have to carry the weight of that. Maybe this will give others an opportunity to step up and pitch in a little bit more, but even if they don't, tomorrow will come and go and they'll get through it one way or another. It's so hard to have to come to terms with the fact that you can't do everything for everyone, but trust in the fact that it will be ok in the end. In hindsight, I can see how those in my life have gained perspective through all of this and although I would never have put them through any kind of struggle if I could help it, they have grown and have tapped into a part of themselves we might not have seen otherwise. It was their destiny as much as it was mine.

Hopefully the month break will give you the opportunity to get yourself back to a better level of functioning. Since you said you've been here before and have improved, maybe a good rest will get you back on track. I think it's important though, that you take the mental break, as well as the physical. You have no need to feel guilt of any kind - dysautonomia makes it impossible to take care of others if you don't take care of yourself first.

Is there any kind of financial support you would qualify for during the month you'll be off work? (I'm not in the US, so I don't know if you have options with this).

(((hugs)))

[Mydoggielovesme2]

Kris, When I read your post, words that came to my mind were, strong, smart, brave, and courageous. Certianly not Failure. We have to listen to our bodies, and it sounds like yours was saying, "take a break or I'll make you break." One way or the other, you needed to stop, so this way you are more in control. In the long run, I'm sure your family, and work will be better off. No one would want you to do more harm to yourself. I know how scary the financial end of things can be, and I wish there was something I could say to help, but your life is more important. So take a few deep breaths, let your family and friend help, and get some well deserved rest.

Wishing you all the best!

[Kris4444]

Thank you all for the support and kind words.

There won't be much in the way of financial assistance in this month off. Most of my co-workers won't worry about me or miss me. My boss and I merged with this company a little over a year ago. They are a tight knit group who have worked together for 20 years. My boss had a stroke at the beginning of last tax season which put us all in a tailspin but the owner of the company did not care about my boss or his clients and made no attempt to help in anyway. I will be replaced and forgotten.

When I got back from Mayo I got a letter from the office manager telling me how put out she was by my not being there and how much extra work fell on her. She also said that with my medical condition being what it is I might want v to consider if I want to put myself through a "brutal tax season ". I was blown away by not only the lack of caring but the lack of HR knowledge this company has. Only my boss will miss me and he will have to get over it. I need this.

I am thankful for my doctors, family and friends. Their support and the support of this group is all I need. Thanks again.

[southbel]

Thank you all for the support and kind words.

There won't be much in the way of financial assistance in this month off. Most of my co-workers won't worry about me or miss me. My boss and I merged with this company a little over a year ago. They are a tight knit group who have worked together for 20 years. My boss had a stroke at the beginning of last tax season which put us all in a tailspin but the owner of the company did not care about my boss or his clients and made no attempt to help in anyway. I will be replaced and forgotten.

When I got back from Mayo I got a letter from the office manager telling me how put out she was by my not being there and how much extra work fell on her. She also said that with my medical condition being what it is I might want v to consider if I want to put myself through a "brutal tax season ". I was blown away by not only the lack of caring but the lack of HR knowledge this company has. Only my boss will miss me and he will have to get over it. I need this.

I am thankful for my doctors, family and friends. Their support and the support of this group is all I need. Thanks again.

Wow, my first thought on reading this is what a major HR mistake and in writing too! At the end of the day, you must take care of you. If you don't take care of yourself now, you might end up being out of work longer if you wait. It's not your failure, it's a health issue plain and simple.

[Kris4444]

I got the letter from my doctor today and gave it to my boss. He was much more understanding than I thought he would be although he would not assure me that my job would be there waiting for me when I got back. Oh well. Gotta let that roll off of me.

Monday starts my 30 days. I have an appt with the endo. I'm hoping he will give me some insight to my high NE levels and maybe test v for pheo. How wrong is it that I want to have a tumor?

[Katybug]

Kris,

You should look up the Family Medical Leave Act and see if your job is protected under the provisions of that law. It very well may be. I pm'ed you earlier.

[ramakentesh]

I think everyone with POts or OI and who has tried to struggle through work can relate to this post. Its very hard. As a male I find that people are often quite judgmental of me taking leave and as I come from a family of hard workers its hard for me to justify it to myself at times but now days I try not to get on my own back about it. That doesnt really help. Finances are always the issue ofcourse.