Does Anyone Feel Like A Bad Mom?

[icesktr189]

The worse and worse I get, the more I need help with my daughter. Its starting to make me really depressed. I feel like a bad mom because I am not waking up in the mornings with her. My fiance does the morning diapers and feedings and I come around at 11. I feel like I am not pulling my weight. I love waking up and seeing her smiling face and getting her ready for the day, but now i can barely make it by noon. I feel if someone looked in on me that I would be called a lazy parent. I am not able to take her to the park anymore or take her on walks. My father has to do all that. Then to make matters worse, i feel even more worse that my husband works 50 plus hours per week, and has to pick up my slack. This whole situation makes me feel rotten. I cant drive myself to doctors appointments, so I have to depend on everyone else. I feel more like a burden than anything. I wish I could care for my daughter 24/7 without needing the help.

Anyone else in this situation?

[Godsgal]

Hi...I have two little ones and I am definitely in quite a situation myself although I'm thankful to God I'm getting a little better everyday. In December is when everything changed for me. I was hospitalized for 5 days and had to abruptly stop nursing when he was 8 months old. I had to be hospitalized again in January and was in the ER 4 other times. Watching my kids being left alone in Target after I collapsed....me heading out on the stretcher and them there alone is something I will never forget. I hated being away from them. After those admits I was bedridden for a while and I couldn't do anything with them. I would have people bring them to me and I would hug and kiss them and then they would be taken downstairs. My son will ask me to lay down with him for his nap and I can't b/c I'm on Midodrine. I have a hard time reading books to my son b/c of breathlessness and I can't just run and take him to the park anymore. I feel sometimes I have jipped my youngest. He hasn't gotten what the older one did and I feel bad about that. BUT I try to keep it all in perspective and I pray and fight to get better everyday. I do what I can. My whole family is helping pay for a live in nanny to help with me & the kids. It's a big financial burden for everybody but what am I gonna do? I have to have her here. I feel like some sacrifices now will allow me to get better instead of me pushing to do things I can't do and making myself sicker. Your body needs the rest. Take it and don't feel guilty about it. Just do what you can when you wake up. And I try to bless my family by not telling them how miserable I feel or how my condition is bothering me. I try to keep that for this forum I do the best I can with what I have to work with and I try to do things with the kids that I'm able to do. And I always tell them I love them.

[skiberthoud]

I understand those feelings dani. I have two children and on my bad days I can't function, can't take care of anyone and am dependent on family as well. It's easy to incur guilt on ourselves. I allow myself a small pity party but then I force myself to change how I think. I remember that my family loves me and are happy to help. THEY do not view it as a burden. You and your family know that you're not just being lazy - frankly, who cares what others think, they don't live your life. I try to think about how I would feel if it was my mom or my brother in my situation and how I'd feel about it, and know that's how they feel about me. As far as the kids go, when I'm feeling guilty about not being able to be the kind of mom I want to be I try to remember the reality of it. I am very grateful that they do get opportunities, thanks to others that bring them places and do the fun things with them when I can't. I also remember that my job is to teach them how to be great people, and a lot of that can be done even when I am not well. I can still smother them in love. We can have meaningful conversations or just silly ones. (my kids are 3 & 6 - sounds like you have an infant) I also tell myself that they will learn and develop wonderful qualitites because of our home life. For instance, they will learn the quality of compassion and learn how to act on that. I see them also learning that there is more happiness in giving than in receiving. These are some of the things that help me when I am feeling guilty and burdensome. I'm so sorry you are having these feelings and I hope you are able to find ways to see your worth and value despite your health. Remember that you are not your illness. The wonderful person is still there, despite limitations!

[comfortzone]

Huge Hug to you ~

Your post near broke my heart because I don't think you see yourself as the amazing person you are... First we need to deal with your feelings in all of this. Vent away ~ your path right now is very difficult but in the end all will be well........believe that ~ strive to stay hopeful and peaceful as possible. I just know you would certainly never judge anyone else here - as harshly as you may be viewing yourself and your situation. It is so ridiculously hard to push through negativity at times when your heart just aches for what you wish you could do - and what you were maybe capable of doing awhile ago. But you cannot give up on 'self-kindness' -- or give up on you... Dysautonomia is pretty much something that flows on a continuum....maybe before in our lives we'd have an illness and in due time it fully went away...like a cold, or something that was 'fixed' with surgery. That kind/style of healing pattern isn't as often present here. And the curing 'way' is varied - over time perhaps using trial and error - even the finest doctors in this field utilize safe trial and error - tweaking meds etc. to help.

Bring on all the helps you know to keep you in a steady mood as you endure this difficult time you are in. If you are a person that uses or relies upon faith - dig deep to use that strength...maybe buying a spiritual uplifting book, having a church minister or lay person come to visit you at the home once a week, watch an uplifting movie, there are even on-line prayer sites... That may be one option. But there are others. Even in the muck try to cultivate gratitude....this isn't easy - but with practice - maybe a gratitude journal - doing a daily mental check of all the blessings and amazing goodness in your life can help maintain healthy emotions. Writing a bit each day - can sometimes help because in a real sense it's telling your story. Maybe write a letter to your child (not that you'd send it - but just to express your love and joy over their presence) about how proud you are of him/her ~ begin expressing yourself this way or through poetry, or drawing - some kind of creative outlet right in your little journal perhaps.

Taking care of yourself in this is a full time job period. There's medications, hydration status, proper nutrition, movement in some form of bodily exercise -- these are difficult for all Americans (witnessed by our nationwide health issues) ... more difficult with dysautonomia - but perhaps more vital. Our 'little' morning routines are anything but little...they are the foundation of a healthier lifestyle. View them as necessary work and feel proud when you get to your morning - even if it's not till 2pm! Treasure them and the efforts you put in to keeping yourself as well as you can be, for your little one, your husband and YOU!

For about $9.00 per hour in my area of the country you can get someone to shop, cook and tend to the baby for a few hours....If that is do-able for couple days per week - or more.... That person can be built into your home routine... Playing with the baby, feeding the baby, prepping snacks and dinner - maybe on a Tues/Thurs where meals can be made ahead for the next day... some will do light housekeeping too such as laundry etc..Again this isn't to say this is necessary but just another way people change up the routine during difficult times...Some churches have teens that volunteer in this type of capacity...

In the end though the goal is to understand there are no "shoulds" in your routine as in comparing.... Either to others, nor the past. Shaking off the thinking that this 'should' be this way ... not that - can rob you of strength and hope and drain your energy ... Understanding and embracing the life that is yours - even though it may differ from your mind's eye dream is something you can do... Enjoy as you are - the little one's smiles and your time together ~ She's your blessing and so so lovely! (She or he ... can't remember which your baby is!)

Maybe you can have set some time aside to formulate a plan with your husband about how to deal with these feelings inside...Maybe you have already... Letting others 'in' on things so you don't feel so overwhelmed ~ here on the forums - but at home too....The old two heads are better than one thing to maybe carve out a 'new' way to cope or reinforce some ones that work... It really does take patience and humility to ask other's for help and deal with the fallout - after four joint replacement surgeries with atypical healing paths - I understood that pretty well. But perhaps the biggest hurdle for me and I still work on this - is battling negativity - it's worth the rewards and even if the natural circumstances remain the same - life does get so much more joyful and rewarding for these efforts... & they were never 'huge' things I did ... but savor the birds singing in the a.m or at night roosting... Baking browinies with some neighborhood kids - Little joys made a big impact - and letting go of any 'beating myself up' .... That's the most painful thing to do ever....

Remember you are every bit as amazing a person - as the people that you admire! When we compare ourselves to others we can misunderstand life and ourselves. You are a wonderful human BE-ing...not a human DO-ing. Be who you are - awesome! Expect things to get better -- trying to cultivate these good emotions can have healing qualities....

It's a natural thing to want to be better for sure ... I think that everyday .... but then go straight to the sink - down a glass of water - and begin again :-) Blessings to you

[HopeSprings]

Yes, I feel like a bad mom some days too. You are not alone in your feelings. I have a 7 year old boy and a 2 year old girl and it is difficult. There are days when I can do very little with them. On the days when I am doing a little better, I just force myself to get out there. I have been sick my son's entire childhood and those early years with him were a huge challenge -- trips to the library story hour, gym class, chuck e cheese, the park, walks around our neighborhood, playing in the backyard. Oh God, it was SO hard for me, but I had to force myself to do it for him. But there were days when I simply couldn't and he spent more time in front of the TV than I would have liked. These were the days that I felt so GUILTY about and would confess to my husband that I was a bad mother and that this wasn't fair to my son. And here I am doing it all over again with my daughter... just pushing through. What helped a lot later was part time nursery school. It gave me a little break and I felt filled in the gaps for my son. Do not feel guilty about your father coming to help you. It's Grandpa, it's ok. The baby needs to get out and you need to take care of yourself. I don't have much help because my family is about an hour away. But if offered, I would take it. And it's also OK that your husband helps -- he's healthy and can do it! My husband helps A LOT. He is the one who goes on the field trips and takes my son to the birthday parties. I have to say -- as much as I feel that I could be a better Mom, they really don't seem to notice. They are clean, well nourished, well cared for ...and loved. I don't think they feel like they are missing out on anything. Just take it day by day and do as much as you can when you can. {{{hugs}}}

[Brye]

I think Mom guilt is unavoidable. We all want the best for our kids!! I have 4 kids 8,7,4,3. This is a challenge for a healthy person. I have learned to use my resources. I have no family nearby but try to schedule there visits during spring breaks when my kids are home or when my husband may be gone for a trip. My friends are more than willing to help if asked. Friends with kids similar ages have been key. Play dates have been so helpful to run off energy for my kids, especially as they get older.

I may not be able to do all that I would like with my kids but I look at all my kids and they are happy, healthy, and they all love there mom. The more people in there lives the better and that love from others doesn't take away the love I have for them and they have for me. We have some adoring babysitters, teachers, and even a housekeeper that adores them. I will always be there Mom and will cherish all my moments with them. My kids have been very understanding and are very open to just sitting and reading a book or playing a game.

You're not lazy, you're sick and doing the best you can. I have to remind my husband occasionally. Improvements have been made but I'm EXHAUSTED all the time. Although I like to hide the fact that I am sick I give my friends an occasional update so they are aware that I stilll struggle. Those reminders seem to make a difference if there's something I can't do people tend to be more understanding. My kids are the reason I get up each day. If it weren't for them I would not be pushing myself so hard to get better. I will never give up because they depend on me and it may not always be perfect but I will not quit trying.

Keep fighting for your health! Cherish the good days and survive the bad days!!

Brye

[icesktr189]

Thanks for the replies :]

This week has just been one of those weeks were I cant get out of my "funk". I know that having a good day will help me out, but they seem very few now.

I think the worst for me is going on my facebook and seeing all my friends who are parents write about how they took their child to the zoo or walk around the mall with them. Then they get home and cook dinner and clean and are still able to go watch a movie with their husband or go out to dinner. I mean I am LUCKY if I get to do one of those things. I am just tired of having to choose instead of being able to do what I want. I know everyone here understands and it helps to talk to those who do, but it just seems so unfair. Looking bad when I was in my teens and younger, I would have never thought that I would have to deal with this as a parent. I just dont want my daughter to miss out on anything because of me. I am slowly learning that asking for help is okay, but i just wonder if people are going to get annoyed or sick of me always asking.

I will definitely look into a part time daycare. My daughter is now 12 months and a lot more active, so its been very hard to keep up with her and have her burn off energy when i cant take her out.

Thank you all again, it really helps to talk with others in the same situation. None of my friends with kids truley understand when I tell them i am EXHAUSTED. When they say exhausted, its because their child was sick and up all night, when we say we are exhausted, its the bone, tingling tiredness.

[comfortzone]

Glad you can write about things you are going through here as well.... I have to laugh - my doc told me to try not working at all for the next 2/3 of the year - to help myself get better - and I'll tell you I just felt paralyzed - like if I don't 'do' something I'll just get weaker and weaker....I had put an ad in Craigslist that I could assist a family with a bit of childcare and be their personal chef.... In this way avoiding having to deal with a 'corporation' and the demands of a job that is out in the regular workforce... I tried nursing and failed, I tried the chef thing and failed.....meaning I couldn't meet the physical demands of the jobs...(that was sad!)was tempted to get really depressed about it all.... & then just figured I should carve out a job for myself - put what I can do on-line and hopefully someone will hire me. Someone called and I actually start in a couple hours - my first day. If it works great! If in the end it's too much... well nothing ventured nothing gained I guess. So maybe you can post a free ad about the situation you desire and someone will see it - and you can get started on getting the assistance you need... I can be so stubborn I suppose.... Not unlike you - I just want things to be 'the way they used to be' - but as I can see that's not the best thing to focus on ~ I'll just keep tryiing to keep seeking peace in the everyday events in a day - straight as they come...& let go of my sadness... for me it's a purposeful choice to choose JOY over sadness...and it has to be an everyday attitude change.... Sometimes I'm glad I live alone for all my 'grumbling' in a day lol ... other days I cry for want of a 'support system' ... But in the end - I have a roof over my head thus far -- and Springtime is full of newness and happy surprises ~ so will again keep hopeful.... Hope you get someone to help - it can be empowering to take actual steps to conquer the issues with dysautonomia.. Blessings!

[MomtoGiuliana]

I can relate. I felt very much the same way from when my daughter was born until about 6 months post partum. I was really very sick, but not diagnosed and drs kept telling me that it was NORMAL to feel badly after birth for many women, especially a difficult birth as mine was. So I was extremely hard on myself and believed there must be something about me that I could not handle dealing with what many women deal with. Crazy--b/c I was so sick I was nearly bedridden many days. Finally I was diagnosed at about 4 months post partum. I also stopped breastfeeding at that time and felt like the one thing I COULD do for my child I wasn't even doing and that felt even worse, even tho I finally had a diagnosis and undersood my disability was not "normal". It's very painful and I definitely understand.

First of all you can only do your best. Forcing yourself to go beyond your limit is not a good idea, at least from my experience. It may cause you to relapse into an even worse state. It's hard but you do have to accept help and hold out hope that you will improve and will eventually be able to care for your child in all the ways you want to. Really the most important thing is not to be hard on yourself. It's not your fault that you are sick. Focus on learning what you can do to get better and be patient. Which is a lot easier said than done. I learned some breathing exercises that did help me. Spontaneous Healing by Andrew Weil describes some--that I still do.

BTW, by the time my daughter was a year old, I was well enough to go back to work and since then I have been able to be functional enough to provide her care (majority of the time) and take her on outings, etc. Most people do get better so please stay hopeful!

[sisblostg]

I have had 3 long bedridden POTS relapses before, the first time I had no kids, and the next 2 my kids were young. After my 2nd child was born I was unable to do much for the first 9 months. I have a wonderful husband who got up for every feeding with a smile. I guess since my baby was born in the winter and was born early I didn't feel as bad about not going alot of places. The only regret I have is I didn't take very many pictures of myself with my kids at that age. I was always feeling worn out and would dodge the camera.

The last year has been very rough for me. I do not know what is worse, the POTS or I feel like I'm letting down my kids. I used to be the mom that walked my kids (and all the neighborhood kids would follow) to and from school. Now my husband works his schedule around doing it. I'm lucky if I am waiting on the front porch once in awhile. It is my daughter I feel so bad about because she is the child I always dream of having and I just can't go to everything. She had 5 award presentation this month, she plays an instrument with performances, plays sports, and she worms her way into every school event. She is in 2nd grade but the school lets her partciapate in all grade level activites so there is just constantly something to go to. She also is desperate to travel. We are living in a very remote area and since I just can't fly I feel so bad. I traveled alot when I was her age, all over the world and I feel so sad she does not even get to go to the beach or disneyland let alone be able to visit new york or dc or europe. If I had known I would not have been able to travel I would never ever choose to live here and now I feel like I am stuck and so are my kids. I never talk about my feelings with my kids but I did tell my last dr that I was at the end of my rope and I hated not being able to leave this area and he said join the club, he would leave in a second if he could(I think he is on a 10 year pay off your loans if you stay in a rural area program).

It makes me sad, but I told my husband if I am not better by Christmas he can start traveling with the kids alone. I struggled through 23 surgeries to have kids and I feel horrible I get to miss out on all the wonderful things that are doing and all the new experinces they are having.

[lissy]

I have had some form of this condition since becoming a parent and that was almost 10 years ago, but with the last child everything went downhill (3 years)she'll be 3 Sunday:) I had many moments of guilt, depression,and deep sadness about my "Motherhood" and I try to overcompensate with extra everything and less discipline, but I understand why I do these things.

My kids are pretty young and are very understanding and helpful to me, I sometimes worry about them growing up too fast or having experienced life so serious at a young age ,but I think it will make them very intuned with reality.

I pray everyday for God to make all of us better and I think about what kind of mother I would be if I was healthy and that leads me to feel one extreme to another ... depressed or hopeful about what its going to be like one day for my kids and myself.

I know one thing I am better as a mother and person since becoming ill than if I hadn't.And if I get better boy we are gonna have SO much fun and activity and if not I'm grateful that I at least have time with them and they still can hear me and see me and I can have way function (I'm alive) even though I don't feel like I am sometimes. I do what I can and I go to events swaying while walking and if I'm just too ill I don't go and look at pictures or video and hope the next time I'm well enough .