Trying Not To Be Frustrated By My Mom's Lack Of Support

[erikainorlando]

OK...so if you look at me you think, attractive forty something year old woman in good shape...I know most people wouldn't guess that I feel like I am walking through bricks most of the time.

My mom is very healthy and 73...she has never really been sick a day in her life. I try not to expect too much but I am consistently amazed at how insensitive she can be. She still walks 6 miles a day and stopped working last year so she could go on more cruises etc. with my step-dad who still snow skis...just so you get the picture.

Last week I told her of my friend who has leukimia, has lost almost all his $$ from the current real estate market, and his wife is leaving him. I told my mom he is so afraid as he feels so sick and is on his own. She said she feels so sad for him...it is so sad for anyone to be alone and ill.."why doesn't his family help" she says. Hmmm. I am very sick most of the time, have lost almost all my saving from the real estate market, the love of my life took off...and I have 2 kids to take care of!!! AND she (my mom) only lives 45 minutes away (altho she is way to busy to help)!

I just hung up with her...she says "are you still doing that Vanderbilt thing in April"..."it is very far away ... are you sure you want to go?" She then says, "well, you didn't say if you needed my help and I have something I really want to do in April so let me know if perhaps I can help you out alittle but I don't really want to promise too much".

Most times lately I am in a good spot emotionally. But this just breaks my heart. I feel so alone when I talk to her..does she not get that I can't do too much? How can she love me and kick me to the curb? Sometimes it paralyzes me with fear when I think that I really have to fend for myself and my kids not matter how bad off physcially I get. Then when I get over the fear, I want to hit her in the head!

Do people think I am faking? I just don't get it...I woulnd't treat a dog this way.

Sorry for the rant.

Erika

[icesktr189]

aw im sorry i really know how you feel. My situation is a little different because my mom has every illness known to man.. so my POTS does not compare with her lol. She constantly tries to overshadow me in everything. Like when i went to my gastro she talked about herself for 20 mins. Or when we go to my OB. She talks about her pregnancies. Its really annoying but i love her so i just put up with it. But gosh help me if i talk to her about my POTS. She acts like its just a minor annoyance in my life, almost like i exaggerate everything. so frustrating!

you cant force your family to have compassion, but you also dont have to put up with it.. just keep your head up high and know you have tons of people out there who truly understand your daily struggles.

[valliali]

Lack of family support is one of the hardest things I deal with as well. My mother has always been insensitive, but this illness just really took the cake. When I first became suddenly sick with heart rates all over the place, my doctor believed that I needed to go to Mayo ASAP. As a 22 year old who moved to Africa fresh out of college, I didn't have much money (though I was fortunate to have already obtained good insurance) so I asked my mom to give me a loan for the airfare to Mayo. Not only was she pissed that I asked such a thing, but later, in the SAME conversation, she asked me if I wanted to go HIKING in Ireland with her! Right after I told her my doctor thought I needed to get my severely out of control heart looked at right away!! Hiking! I also dealt with way too long her blaming me for getting sick, blaming me for not asking doctors the right questions, etc etc. Once I asked for a family history of anything like POTS at the encouragement of my doctor, and she was livid with me for even suggesting that my condition was genetic when it was so painfully obvious to her that it was in my head. The worst part is that I had always been very athletically driven, competitive with sports and fitness, never complained about aches and pains, pushed through any illness to keep going, so I thought of all people, she would be the one to know that this was seriously for real, and seriously bad.

Truthfully, I have no relationship with my mother anymore. I would never encourage anyone else to handle it the same way that I chose to because everyone has different situations, but for me, she was doing way way way more damage than good in not only my rehabilitation, but just overall. I feel a giant relief since we stopped communicating, but I do often feel very sad that I do not have a familial support system and find that I often really long for a caring, supportive family.

[skyblu]

Erika...I can sort of relate and the only thing I can come up with..at least with my mom is that she's in denial. She can't deal with the fact that I have a chronic debilitating illness so she minimizes it and never wants to have an honest conversation about how I'm feeling. I've been sick for over 10 years but we still "pretend" I'm going to turn around and get better any day now. In fairness she does help us financially but emotionally it's just too difficult for her. Which often leaves me feeling frustrated ,angry and hurt. And even ashamed about how limited I am.

Is it possible your mother is the same way and just can't face the fact that you're sick and does everything in her power to pretend you're not? But doesn't see what she's doing and how it affects you..

[bjt22]

Gosh...I could have written almost the exact words myself.

Over the years, I've come to accept that part of my mother's attitude comes from denial. She just does not want to wrap her mind around how sick I've actually been. I must admit to somewhat being responsible...I've often downplayed it. She lives about 2 hours away from us, so it's not as if she's ever seen what my day-to-day life is actually like.

She's never really been sick, either. She's had some trouble with her back, but it's not disabling in the way we are disabled...I mean, if the limit to my disability was not being able to shovel snow or trim the shrubbery, well, I wouldn't be complaining so much. It's also hurtful because she, too, will run to the assistance of other family members that are sick...I have a cousin who has what is diagnosed as "sick sinus syndrome" but I'm convinced she has POTS. My mother has gone to be with during countless appointments. And she lives 75 miles away! Just recently, she took my aunt, her sister, to a city 50 miles away for an MRI...her words were "everyone deserves to have their family with them during these times"...hello...I had an MRI done back in the summer for the EXACT same reason as my aunt, and my mother hardly even bothered to call and ask about it.

I think in my case there's several factors at work. One is the denial aspect....my mother just doesn't want to deal with the unpleasant fact that I'm sick and live a very limited life. I could be catty and say that this might, in part, be because she didn't really want to offer any real help back when my kids were small and I could have used it. Another factor is my mom's relationship with her family...my brothers and I always knew that we kinda came in second after my mom's sisters. She's such an intense relationship with all of them that we're kinda after thoughts a lot of the time. And, finally, I think she, like many, many people have little understanding of how bad any kind of serious cardiovascular problem can make one feel. There is a broad lack of understanding out there concerning this. Most people really don't get it that having a "heart" problem makes you sick even if you aren't having a heart attack at that moment. The kind of fatigue that accompanies this is just very difficult to explain...I've tried several times to liken it to times she's called and told me about a flu virus that she's had and how bad she felt for a week or so....she'd say things like " I barely felt like walking to the kitchen to open a can of soup"....yeah, Mom...that's how I feel every day. All day. I'd tell her that, but I think the "denial" thing would just kick in.

In the past year, it's been worse again, if that's possible. My father had to go into a nursing home, and my mother uses it as an excuse to visit us at all. She still visits her sisters and nieces, but not us. Go figure.

Oh, and my best story for "unreasonable"? When I was first diagnosed years and years ago, and I was literally almost completely bedridden, my mother was calling to complain that I wasn't bringing the new baby to visit her. I tried to explain that I couldn't really leave the house, much less drive, and her response was, "oh well, if you have to be stuck in the house maybe you can work on getting some things done. You could get some painting done".