Sad - Another Of Those Family Days

[Janey]

I've been doing some temporary work dogsitting, fostering wild animals and baking cakes and muffins to sell, just to make a little bit of money. It makes me happy, so that in turn helps my dysauto. I'm not making much money, and my partner is still paying for our house, but I feel much more content than I have done in a long time.

I have two big cake sales coming up - one from 9am-11pm one day and another on Thursday. I've asked for a chair and will take my pills along with me just in case. I'm working hard towards these, baking on a stool in the kitchen, and it's so nice to feel that I can still 'create' something.

Anyway, I woke up this morning with bad POTS and a migraine. My tachy was worse than normal and my head felt like it had been cracked open. I was dizzy, nauseous and my vision was blurry. I phoned the people whose dogs I had to sit this morning and told them I'd be a little late and could the dogs be left for another hour? They were fine with that. Then my father came round, as he often does, to drive me down the road to get the dogs and I told him that I was feeling awful and couldn't go just yet and could he help me by getting a couple of things from the pharmacy down the road?

When he arrived in the car and got out, I was sitting in the window and I could see that he saw me still in my nightclothes and rolled his eyes. He came in and was so disapproving and angry at me, not just for not being able to start my day, but also for the things I've been doing - "which aren't going to make you any money." He said that they were just "distractions" to "get out of having a real job." I tried to explaining to him that I would jump at a proper job if I was well enough to get one, but he just doesn't understand and belittled the very things that I was managing to achieve.

I think he and my mother are in denial that this is my life now. They treat me like someone who has disappointed them and is scrounging off the government because I'm too lazy to work. I don't claim any benefits and never have. I wish they would just leave my life alone and let me get along as well as I can without the feeling of having dashed people's expectations, disappointed them, or made them not proud of me.

For some reason the tears always come easier when I have a migraine and eye pain, and today they just can't stop flowing. I just feel so sad on such a deep level that I cannot communicate how I feel to anyone. My partner would usually understand, but he's currently away in Asia for a month over christmas, so I can't contact him.

I know none of you can help, but it's just nice to have some approval sometimes, y'know?

[potsgirl]

Janey,

Kudos to you for doing everything you can to feel productive and make some money! Having a creative outlet is also so good for you. I think what you're doing is great, and so good for you. Don't let the naysayers get you down!

Cheers,

Jana

[sue1234]

Here's a virtual hug for you!!!!! I can totally relate. Even though it has never been said, my dad seems to judge our "worth" on what we DO, as in a job. When I got my degree as an RN, it seemed he was mentioning to everyone that I was an RN. He defined us(me and my siblings) by our careers. What I have learned since my POTS came is I am so much more than my career/job! I raised some wonderful kids and was a great friend(when I had some!). I have learned what is more important in life. And you doing your baking is what brings you joy and a little cash on the side is wonderful.

It is hard to have negativity around you.

[dsdmom]

Janey,

Don't get down - I think it's AMAZING what you're doing. Really trying to do the most you can with what you have. That's impressive. I know it's so hard when the people we think should be most supportive hurt us like this. Just know that you are doing the best you can and that WE support you here.

[heathmcev]

Everyone here's totally right, Janey. It's not like you're just lazing about or taking advantage of anyone... you're trying your hardest and actually doing the best you can to be an active and productive human being despite everything you have going on, and just how low and awful you feel. So many people who are ill do just give up and give in and you're not! It also helps to just scream & let it out (when no neighbors are home to think you've gone mad, of course!)

[MightyMouse]

I totally get how you're feeling. Try as much as you can not to expend too much energy trying to "please" your parents, as hard as that may be... I know it's sad, and it's painful to realize how little compassion they have, but some day in the future, they may come around. Just a year or so ago (13+ years since my diagnosis) my mother, who'd been in *total* denial since then said to me "it's hard for me to hear about your health because it scares me." My dad, on the other hand, is a lost cause. His wife tries to "get it" and I appreciate that, but he still thinks I'm a complete hypochondriac.

Nina

[Chele]

I'm so very sorry for the pain you are feeling, and the way people can so misunderstand you, your life, and the decisions you've made. I've experienced some of this myself. When it goes on for decades the pain goes very deep. I think it is very admirable in all that you're doing to make your life's new normal be the best it can be. Pull closest to whoever and whatever helps you, and put some necessary distance ( whenever possible) to the negative and hurtful things, people, circumstances, etc. If I can be any help as an understanding heart and/or ear e-mail me at goodkittynap@att.net.

An understanding friend,

Dana

[extern14]

I agree with Potsgirl! Way to go! I know how you feel though. Finances are dismal right now because I haven't been able to work since June. It's a lot to ask of your spouse/partner. But way to get your creative spirit working and contributing. I would do that as long as you are able to and don't worry about the times you can't.