A Loaded Question?

[morgan617]

Thank you Rita, for that. I sound like the pessimist of the universe and that isn't rue. But I just went for a ride with my husband and we stopped to look at this house and BOOM out I go. No warning, no anything.

I refuse to give in to this illness, I will continue to go out and look at scenery and the deer in summer. And I love having bird and squirrel feeders. I live across the street from a school and i love watching the kids play and my dog goes out every day at three to get pets and loves from all the kids going by.

I have this illness, it doesn't have me. But I still will not say anything good has come to my life from it..Since I seem to have sprained everything from this fall, this won't be a novella....morgan

[Guest GayleP]

Morgan,

I started to quote you but messed it up. Anyhow, I can relate to so much of what you said. I too, feel like I didn't need to get sick to appreciate things, I already did. I knew had a great life before I got sick.

And I hate to say it but now at times I feel bitter. That doesn't mean I can't laugh at a good joke or enjoy being around people I love. I still find pleasure in being out doors and taking drives through the mountains. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel angry and sad watching other people hiking and bike riding, doing the things that I used to love to do.

And I'm never going to feel good about having to quit work. I was a really good therapist, I gave a 100% to my clients and their families. And was always compassionate. I was the type to bring my work home with me on many a night.

I try to stay positive but like I said in my other post, I will never ever find something positive about this illness or think it's a blessing. I accept the fact that I'm sick, feel grateful that it's not worse, etc.. But that's about it.

[Radha]

morgan, i feel exactly the same way you do, i had all the good stuff, family, love, good home, and i appreciated it all before i got sick and i am also getting worse and worse and cant stand to see the pain it causes my family to see me suffering and feel so helpless, how much my illness affects them. i was a good, caring, loving compassionate person even before, and i always prayed, so i dont see what i have gained by suffering for so many years, i am 29 and got sick at 14, and getting worse and worse, cant leave house at all, almost bedridden, but still i pray and hope,

radha

[Lulu]

Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings. This is tough stuff. I really appreciate the comments from the folks that may believe they are "cynical" or "bitter." This illness does horrible things to us and I, for one, do not judge what anyone has taken away from it--good, bad or indifferent. And I really appreciate the comments from folks who say they've found some positives, too. As I've stated before, I'm the curious philosophical sort, and just hope to hear how others are doing with this. I am grateful to all who have bravely posted their thoughts on this & hope to see more....I absolutely believe we are each entitled to be/feel/express wherever we are at. It seems like we all still hope. (?) I am so glad for that. I like how Morgan says this illness does not have her, even if she has this illness.

I've said it before, "You don't have to be crazy to have POTS, but it helps!" You're right, Dawg--It ain't for chickens! And, yes, Sophia, we do get squirrely! That is for sure!! Makes me wonder what the POTS mascot animal would be......guess that's another topic.....

Thanks for everyone's posts,really, whatever the flavor. Just wanted to get some ideas on this. Can't emphasize enough that, at least for my part, I'm really not judging anyone in their feelings. Hard to know that through cyberspace sometimes, so there, I've said it again.

More comments/ideas/thoughts/feelings are welcome!

Peace and light,

LL

[rdslots]

Newbie or not, I had to jump in here.

Growing up with a mother who had polio as a child, and had issues of her own I always appreciated the good in life. The family was so dysfunctional for a number of different reasons, until I carried the weight of trying to provide stability/normalcy for two younger sisters.

Stayed in a marriage that was not physically bad or abusive, but e-m-p-t-y, for the sake of a beautiful child I adore (now grown).

Had a job that often did not provide all of the satisfaction in the world, but I realized that, for whatever reason, I had a talent for, and so stayed with it for 25 years.

I think hitting the floor like I did 2 1/2 years ago was perhaps Nature's way of telling me to take time out for myself, and it's such a shame because this is NOT how I ever saw myself "retired." My lovely husband, who should've been the first and only one, is a driver-type, and when he made his fortune, so to speak, we wanted to take off on a boat for parts unknown.

I fight depression when I realize all that this disorder (I won't give it the satisfaction of 'illness' or disease!) has cost me but I work very hard at not becoming bitter. I have always had a weird sense of humor so I can always find something to laugh about -- thank God! -- otherwise, I'd have jumped off a bridge in the coastal area where I lived (and there were plenty that looked attractive from time to time, you know).

I miss almost everything about my life just three short years ago, and I ask "why?" more often than I care to recall, but if there's good, it's that I've had to become a little self-centered and I've never been that before, always giving to others (and much prefer that to this). Most days I hate my life and I blame this disorder on it. My goal is to get back to where I was, like Patton, come **** or high water (and ****** be he who gets in my way!). Maybe this is the wrong mindset, but hey!, I am being honest here.

The good? Well, aside from being forced into focusing on me for a change, I have stumbled onto sites like this and feel incredibly validated by the online friends I've made. Thank you all.

Beth