When does the guilt stop?

[Mrs. Glass]

Good Morning

I have just been sitting here this morning and scanning the forum. It is what I try to do every morining. I dont sleep much so I am usually up by 4 am, no matter what time I go to bed. The ambien does not seem to work very well. I have these horrible feelings of guilt today, and I was just wondering if anyone else ever feels this way. My daughter told me yesterday that they are selling their house and going to see about buying the one next door to me. She wants to be close to me so she can take care of me. Her house is big and a lot nicer than the one next door. I feel so guilty because my family is giving up so much just because of me. I seem to be crying a lot lately. I guess that I am not dealing with this as well as I thought that I was. She told me not to worry, that this is something that she wants to do. First she quit school (she was in nursing school) so she would have more time to devote to my care, and now she is going to quit her part time job after they buy this house. I know that I will love my family living next door as we are all very close anyway, and I can see my two grandsons anytime that I want, but what they are giving up is almost too much for me to bear under these circumstances. It just seems that my families lives are now wrapped up in taking care of me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I just hope that this guilt will go away soon! Between all of this sickness, and fighting my insurance company to have the surgeon that I want and where I want surgery is about to drive me mad. Why do insurance companies try to be drs. My orthopedist said that I had to have a specialist in back surgery, because of all of my medical problems, and now the stupid insurance company said no that I have to use the one in my home town. That is scary, I know this dr. and he is the one that messed my sons knee up a few years ago. My orthopedist said not to worry that he would get it overturned, but it may take a while. Oh yeah! more time in pain and on these stupid pain pills.

Im sorry for unloading on everyone. Some days are just like that I guess. Some days I dont seem to take things very well. I hate being sick all of the time, and I help this helpless feeling, where everyone around you is at your beckon call. I have always been very independent, always doing things for myself. Now sometimes I can not even get out of bed by myself. Well I better stop there. I just wanted to find out if guilt was just another part of this insane sickness, and then I just started rambling.

Hope everyone has a symptom free day! Vanessa

[futurehope]

You must try not to feel guilty. Your daughter knows that you have not chosen this path for yourself. Your daughter wants to help you. You're her mother and she wants to be there for you.

The guilt is not doing anything but adding to feeling low. You don't want to add depression to your burdens. So, if possible (I know this is a tall order), try to ban the negative thoughts from your mind. And if they come, do not dwell on them.

The biggest obstacle we face in this life is realizing that we are not in control. Once you come to grips with that basic point, you can then move forward and adjust the best you can.

God bless. Keep posting here and remember we understand.

Nancy

[morgan617]

I'm a catholic. For all those catholics out there, nothing more needs to be said.

Yes, I am filled with guilt all the time. It seems to be my new career. I do all I can to prove my independence. I shower at home by myself. Fix dinner more than I was, (I just have sit down frequently) go places, when it's the last thing I want to do.

Our son lives with us. He is in school, and not real healthy himself. He and his dad got into the habit of calling all day and my son was asking permission to go somewhere or something. I started getting very infuriated by this, and let them know. They still call, but not as often. And the neuro doctor says I love this so much, I pretend to be sick. I hate this so much, it makes me want to snatch the hair off my head.

Are you able to get a caretaker? Would your insurance cover that? I understand your daughter's desire to help you, but I also understand your guilt at being so dependent? I found out my insurance will cover home nurse visits and blood draws and in home P.T. See if they have case managers, who help you for free. They make it much easier. Mine even sent a care plan to my doctor. A lot of insurances do this, especially if you are as incapacitated as you are. That might be something for you to look in to.

Your daughter can still help, but there wouldn't be as much pressure on her and so much guilt for you. This is bad enough with out that onus. good luck, morgan

[Evie]

Yes i think guilt is part of most long term sicknesses. The guilt lessens when you gain some independence .... but it still lingers in other aspects of life.

Your daughter sounds lovely She would not do all of this for you unless she truely wanted to (i know when people say that to me it can sometimes make me feel more guilty for some reason).

My mum use to drive me everywhere and not go overseas with my dad and stay home to make sure i was ok. (my dad travels alot so previously we would all go or my mum would go if i had classes). I use to feel bad when she gave up holidays for me. Ive got more independent lately and she has been able to go back to work so i feel a little less guilty now. However i still am very much financially dependent and i feel a bit guilty and pathetic about that. I hate it how people misinterpret the situation as me being spoilt as my parents dont make me work or pay board and im only doing part time study. I hate how people sometimes make me feel guilty about the situation when all i want to do is to be able to do do a normal load at uni and support myself with casual work.

Have you told your daughter that you feel guilty that she is giving things up for you? maybe you could get a care givere like morgan suggested? Sometimes family members feel guilty for not giving the care themselves yet dont realise that the paitient may actually feel more comfortable with it anyway (maybe there is a two way guilt street thing going on heh).

Losing control is tough ... control is a facsade in life, yet a lovely fascade to have

[joanie]

One of our best Dr's told me to always remember that nobody wants to be sick. To be told that the you are perpetuating your illness because of some secondary gain (attention) is insulting. Don't listen to itl.

[Poohbear]

Okay...First off, MORGAN, I am not catholic but I understand your comment. One of my friends said my guilt shows him I would be a good catholic

Vanessa, I feel for you. I think guilt is something many of us wrestle with. I think it's a good idea to be open and honest with your daughter about how you feel. If she is in nursing and with what you say she may have a tendancy to want to take care of people which is a great thing. At the same time, she also needs to take care of herself and her family. Maybe you could talk to her as well as look for other sources of help in your community so that you do your best not to place an unequally large responsibility on her.

It's great that you have a close family for support; that is a blessing. Nobody likes to be sick and the fact is, that those of us who are, require more support in various ways than those who aren't sick. Look for ways to "spread the burden" (as I call it)--you may still wrestle with guilt but from my experience, the guilt is more manageable to me this way because I try hard not to overburden any one person.

I hope I'm explaining this in a manner you can understand. I'm kinda foggy headed right now.

[Mrs. Glass]

Thanks to all of you for your insight. There is a lot of good suggestions. I have talked to my family about having someone come in to help out. They wont budge. The one problem is the quality of care in our little town is hideous to say the least. My children have always told us that we will never go into a nursing home or have a stranger take care of us. That is their responsibility as our children, to take care of us when we can not. I have heard this statement from both of my children ever since they were teenagers, but never realized that I would be faced with this. I have tried to talk to my daughter and she wont budge on this. In her heart to her it is her responsibility. My son will be moving in with us soon, and that will take some of the burden off of her and my husband. I do not want to be sick, I do not like the attention, I just want to be normal again! My friends very seldom call me anymore, I always have to call them. I think that they must feel uncomfortable around me. I hope that some day I will get used to all of this and stop feeling so guilty. Some days I feel like I am going to go out of my mind. I can not get my mind on anything. If I move a little too fast, it feels like my brain is sloshing and I get so dizzy and lightheaded that I wish that I could pass out just to get it over with. Well Im off the subject again! Thanks everyone for your input.

Hope everyone has a symptom free day!

Vanessa

[Miriam Poorman-Knox]

FYI I lived in Vanessa's neck of the woods for four years. They startes stripping veins, because of my increases blood flow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is by no means exagerating about the availability of care. The thing is the health care agencies there seemed to have genuinly competent folk working there. I might try that, even if your daughter chooses to move. Miriam

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