Breakdown And Pity Parties...

[MomWithPots]

I just need to rant. I've had a bad pots day! I was feeling ok this morning, which I was grateful for as I had a big sociology test. During the test I started feeling bad..this test was all discussion so I had to write 6 pages. I eventually just started giving less than detailed answers so I could hurry and leave. Leaving class, my heart rate was in the 160's, I was dizzy, and felt numb, but the brain fog was the worst. All days are struggles, but days like this when my hr refuses to go down, I get really emotional. I cried all the way home and questioned my life...WHY ME? Haven't I been through enough? I didn't have the best childhood and I've had pots since 14. Then I felt bad for questioning life (Christian beliefs) and even worse bc my 2 youngest kids were present. I'm just sick of being sick! I'm so tired of organizing my life around pots..I'm tired of people not understanding..Im just tired...I hate this depression and I hate feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes I reach my limit! Its only human right? I know people out there have it much worse than I, so no disrespect intended.

Well thanks for attending my pity party Hopefully we won't have another one for a while! Just knowing others can relate really does make a Huge difference. Thank u guys!

[ophelialit]

Can I join this pity party, please? I'm right there with you, friend! My life, too, has been....not altogether pleasant, and I've gone through what I think is probably more than my fair share of....stuff. But! :Last year, I met the love of my life (cliche, but true) and picked up my entire existence and relocated to Dallas from DC..."Yay!" I thought..."This is it! I'll be happy and feel better, and all of the strife will have been worth it!" And the universe was all like, "Hmmmmm....nope!" Within a month of being here, I developed optic neuritis in my right eye and became functionally blind in that eye. Since then, it's been nothing but a constant stream of aches and pains and other fun things....sigh. And I, too, understand that people have it much worse, but that's not always a helpful sentiment when you're just trying to make it through one more day, right? I wouldn't even say I'm depressed...slightly bitter, though....like a cheap beer... Speaking of beer, do you suppose anyone else will want to join our party?

[MomWithPots]

Of course! Why not celebrate our depression? Lol...don't even mention beer; haven't had one of those since 17, just one more luxury pots took away

On a more serious note, I'm sorry for all your recent troubles! Making plans seems to be the most frustrating thing about this condition..just when u think ya got it all figured out, Bam! But, I guess u just have to take it day by day, literally!

I'm so grateful that I found this support site as my family refuses to understand. Last Christmas at our family dinner, my uncle flat out said " you better be glad all you have is that pots, some people have cancer!" Ok, Cancer is absolutely Horrible and anyone who has dealt with that has my deepest sympathy; I would not wish it on anyone, but the same goes with Pots! Just 5 minutes, I just wish they could have it for 5 minutes then maybe they would stop comparing constantly!

Anyways (I tend to get off topic) Thanks for the laugh! It feels refreshing after a day of depression! Maybe depression is healthy sometimes though, normal people get depressed right? I've always wanted to be normal!

[Faintinggoat]

I'm right there with both of you. I was just talking to a friend today about how I just didn't think it was fair that I (or any of us) have been through so much and am still only 24 (not that I would want anyone at any age to go through what a lot of us have been going through). He asked me why I was feeling depressed, and the best response I could come up with was "why not?" lol.

MomWithPots- this is going to sound worse than I mean it, but there are times where I have thought to myself that I wished I had cancer instead of POTS. I keep telling myself that I would have more hope at getting a successful treatment if I had something like cancer where there are many people researching it and dedicating their lives to curing it than there are with POTS. That being said, I would absolutely never want to wish either on anyone, and don't want anyone who does have cancer to think that I am diminishing what they are going through. That is certainly NOT that case! That is just where my mind has automatically gone at times.

My therapist told me that it is absolutely normal to feel depressed about being ill, and to feel like "why me". Even people who are "normal" have those feelings sometimes.

Anyway, happy thoughts I hope that you both feel better soon! I agree that this support group and the support of people who care about me is helpful.

Take Care,

Fainting Goat

[Katybug]

I've been feeling a bit off emotionally too, lately. But, I try to occupy my mind so I'm not thinking on it. Reading, brain games online, walking the dog when I can, just sitting on the floor and playing with the dog and kitties when walking is too much. But, I also know that tomorrow is another day and another chance to have a good day. I set my expectations low so I am pleasantly surprised! Is that some weird form of denial? I don't know, but it's working for me. I think when I can stop trying to have a day as great as "before I got sick" and have "the best day I can each day", I drive myself a little less crazy and I am also a bit kinder to myself when I don't meet all my goals for the day.

Pina colada for me please....

[Freaked]

It can be so tough sometimes; I know what it's like to have to rush through a test at college for fear of falling out of your seat :-/ I tried to see a psychologist for the umpteenth time yesterday and couldn't because her office was up two flights of stairs with no lift. I made it up the first (not on all fours like at home), but would have had to lie down on the ground after the second. Being physically unable to seek emotional help is...not a nice feeling.

I've been randomly symptomatic this week too, even though I was doing everything right for a change and expected to be feeling better. Feeling sweaty and getting flushing even just sitting in bed. I have to call my boyfriend a lot just to hear a comforting voice. And my eye has been weird for 6 weeks for some reason. Often I feel more like an 82 year-old than a 22 year-old.

Have your pity party and don't feel bad about it; we go through a lot.

[Chaos]

Ordering up a (virtual) margarita for my part of the pity-party, please.

Hard not to get down sometimes when you have day after day of feeling lousy and constant struggles with no end in sght. While I try to always keep looking at all the blessings I have and focus on the positive and be grateful for the fact that it's "not as bad as it could be"....still it's not what it was and sometimes it's just too overwhelming to contemplate that this is how it's going to be or maybe worse as I get older.

Sometimes I just need to let myself totally wallow in the negative feelings that come up rather than trying to push them away. Usually when I do that I find that they are around for awhile but then they actually go away faster than if I constantly try to keep them at arm's length. When I feel a need for a good cry, sometimes it feels really cathartic to do that and think of every terrible thought and emotion I have been trying to avoid, examine it and then let it go. Frequently when I'm done, I naturally start feeling more upbeat again and looking at things in a more positive light. Kind of like going thru a major rainstorm and coming out on the other side to see a rainbow.

Definitely need a heavy dose of salt on my margarita glass please.

[Raisin]

I was driving home from another Dr. Appt. today and I am feeling quite depressed. I thought ,perhaps when I keel over and die, they should put, ' See, I TOLD you I didn't feel well!' ☺

I would like a drink that tastes like chocolate milk please.....I will supplement with a salty snack.

Thanks for starting a pity party....it is just what I needed!

[Bigskyfam]

We all have those days mine was today out of nowhere and may I say it's days like this that we can come here to chat/ laugh/ cry/ heal

[MomWithPots]

Thanks for the replies guys! Even though this thread is about depression, each one of you have made me laugh out loud! Im starting to like pity parties, lets face it, its the only real time I could ever order up a drink...ironic huh?

FaintingGoat - I know what you mean! I wouldnt wish any illness on anyone, but I have to thought that it would be easier to have an illness that actually had a cure! Its just hard to comprehend that I may have to deal with this forever...one day at a time though!

Katybug - I love how positive you are! I think setting expectations to high is part of my problem, im very impatient, which is not a good trait to have with POTS!

Freaked - I am also 22...Im neither, but I feel either 80 or mobally obese sometimes. Funny that you mention stairs. During my 1st semester of college my 8am class was on the second floor. I refuse elevators bc they make me much worse so I would het there an hour early and climb those stairs. They had a couch at the top, where I would always lay until class started lol, sure I got a few wierd stares, but hey I made it to class!

Chaos - "

Definitely need a heavy dose of salt on my margarita glass please" gets me every time lol! I agree that just letting it out makes it all better. They say crying cleanses the soul, mine should be pretty cleansed by now

Raisin - Sorry you had a bad day My symptoms started when I was 14 and our family was not the richest, so we had no medical insurance..They finally took me to the doc which explained that it was nothing but anxiety (think we have all had that diagnosis) to which my family believed, so up until 2 years ago, they all just assumed I was crazy..I used to tell them all the time, when I die, you will finally see on the report that I was not lying! So I know where you are coming from..unfortunately, pots probably would not show up on an auptopsy report, so I would have carried my crazy title! It felt good to shove my diagnosis in their face though...that day, I was the happiest person in the world to be diagnosed with something other than anxiety! I hope you feel better today, at least emotionally any! Hang in there

(Please excuse all the spelling mistakes!)

[LastUnicornLady]

I know I'm a little late to this pity-party, but mind if I join? I just got home from a rather discouraging doctor's visit that mostly left me yelling (mentally) "WHY ME?!?!" I had a stress-test done today. It was the first time I had ever walked on a treadmill, and I've now discovered that I HATE treadmills. It felt really awkward, and I was slightly nervous I was going to fall off as it kept inclining. Needless to say, I ended up feeling really stupid and self-conscious, and only made it for 8 minutes and 58 seconds. Apparently, most active people make it closer to 9 and 1/2 minutes... I have just gotten over a virus, so we built in some room for that, but he said I was probably still a little deconditioned. Well, YEAH! I feel faint pretty well every time I stand up, and get incredibly fatigued with even the slightest bit of exertion... What did you expect??? At least I got in 8 minutes. I just left feeling very bad about myself, and hating life and circumstances, and not very hopeful. Ugh.

Now that I'm finished, I thought I'd pull out this lovely virtual chocolate cake. With lots of icing on top. Enjoy, everyone!