I'm So Sad

[RockiesGirl]

Last Thursday was my 40th Birthday & my boyfriend of 4 years threw me a birthday event on Friday. 28 of my friends, spouses and his family attended. I was SO excited I can't even explain it, but of course the Tremors & dizziness resulted because of it. I got through the Birthday party fine, but we went to dinner afterwards with his family... While sitting up I pretty much passed out at the table in the busy restaurant I came to & I was laying on boyfriends chest. I was soooo embarrassed as this has never happened in front of his family before. I tried to get it together...it was the longest walk out of the restaurant I have ever had and he carried me to the car. Then the Nausea, full body tremors and racing heart started. I couldn't get it under control and ended up at the Emergency Room. Of course the Doctors had no IDEA about POTS Syndrome although they pretended like they did. They kept asking why I take Beta Blockers and why I was shaking so uncontrollably. They shot me up with so much Ativan I no longer was aware of anything for hours. My boyfriend stayed the whole time until they discharged us at 2am.

I slept the whole weekend...missing out on all kinds of fun! I talked to him on and off but I could tell something was wrong. He broke up with me Monday morning over the phone He said he is tired of picking up the pieces and that I should be able to 'get my life in order'. He was angry that on my Birthday day I went out to lunch with my daughter and therefore didn't have the energy I needed for the party night. He was adamant and says he does not see a future for us anymore.

I am just so hurt, angry and sad!!! My friends say that I am better off w/o him and say I am lucky I found out now instead of later...

The thing is, just the week before he was asking me to move in with him, we were looking at houses together and he was talking about marriage! This just blind-sided me. I am trying to be strong and I have my faith, but I needed to vent to you all who might understand ;o) I didn't ask for this stupid SYNDROME and if I could do anything to get my old life back I would, as I think all of us would.

Thanks for listening....

[Frugalmama]

I'm really sorry that things have turned out this way! But Ido think your friends are right...this illness is not for the faint of heart, and if he can't handle it, your relationship would have been extremely strained all of the time. I know it's really hard at the end of a relationship, but try to think positively and remember that there is some fabulous guy out therr who is patient and kind and will support you 100%. You have enough going on physically without having to deal with drama, too, and you deserve you have someone take great care of you!

[Sallysblooms]

I hope you find a strong man in the future. I am so very sorry for the pain you are in now. I know you must be hurting so much. There are men that do understand illness. Most people will be ill in their lives. Take good care of yourself.

[sue1234]

So sorry for your awful birthday episode and now relationship ending. I know your heart must be breaking. I know there is nothing I could say that will ease any of it, but know we here especially know how hard and complicated normal life issues become while having POTS. Take special care of your POTS body first and foremost during this hard time.

[radiohfan23]

Thanks for sharing this. I want you to know I feel just awful for you. Relationships are certainly tough even when you're healthy!

I developed POTS about a year before my wife and I were married and struggled through everything. She's exceptionally supportive but there are times when she just can't handle it (very understandably). Just please please know that it's not you it's the illness that is causing problems. As a guy myself I can definitely say that there are caring compassionate men out there who will love you for who you are and accept how different your life is because of your illness. It may sound corny but it is true.

Take care and always know that you're not alone and if you need to do it vent don't hesitate, you've got a lot to handle and we can all relate.

[abnel]

((((((RockiesGirl)))))) Big hugs. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am thinking of you and hoping you find strength and serenity in this difficult time xoxox

[jjbaker17]

I am so sorry! POTS can be a HUGE strain on relationships, I know it can be with my boyfriend and I. Finding someone who knows that being sick doesn't mean your "life isn't in order" is key! I am so sorry he reacted like that to your episode, I have had people react like that to me and I am way better off without them! You will be too.

[lieze]

My husband behaves the same.

How I handle it even though the words hurt is try to understand that his mind cannot comprehend where I am at.

I am sorry you are hurting right now.

We have to believe that things will work out.

Hang on to that belief!!!!

[shoegal]

you get the full body shakes too??? wow

I'm sorry you feel so bad, I totally get it. I wish I had a magic wand you could borrow

[Dizzysillyak]

I'm sorry to hear this happened to you. Having been chronically ill for 21 years I get how complicated relationships can be.

Just my 2 cents ... Since you've been together for 4 years and he was just talking to you about getting married, I'm not sure I'd give up on this relationship yet. After all these years, he knows what your life is like.

IMHO, It sounds like he was angry with you for not putting him first and going out that day instead of resting. He put a lot of effort into making that a special day / weekend for you and his feelings were hurt.

Can you get him to talk to you about "Getting your life in order " ? Maybe he got an earfull from his family about what they think you should be doing ... I don't know if you've tried them but there are alternative treatments out that worth trying. More and more people I know are getting into this arena whereas a few years ago it was unheard of. Thank you Dr. OZ ...

tc ... d

[RockiesGirl]

I just want to say a BIG HUGE Thank You to everyone!! I am dealing with it!! My heart hurts, my pride hurts and my body is suffering, but this too shall pass ;o)

Dizzysillyak--

I waited until Wedsnesday evening to contact him but he was not up for discussing. I know his family probably put a lot of pressure on him and I know that it can be extremely difficult to deal with. And I totally understand that he wanted me to rest that day, but life gets in the way. I went to lunch the day before with my daughter and then I had to work. I work from home and I tried to take a nap before the party but I was soooo keyed up, it wasn't happening.... All excuses I know & I keep running through it in my head.

Obviously I LOVE him, but I don't think I could've helped what happened. Maybe if I wouldn't have gone to lunch, worked etc. but I talked to the doctor & he says chances are it probably would've happened anyhow because of all the excitement from the party. Also, I do not think it is fair to ask me not to do anything in preparation for the party, but maybe I am wrong. The argument was made that had I not done the other things, I possibly wouldn't have ended up in the ER. I know this, it is my responsiblity, but it was my 40th Bday!! It is not like I do this all the time and I wanted Special....not to sit at home like I always do

I asked that we go to counseling, I asked that we work on it (I relly kind-of embarrassingly begged) but he says he's done. How do I cope with that? I don't think I can I haven't called him and I don't think I will for a while ;o)

BUT Again everyone Thanks for your replies, kind words and listening!! I appreciate it more than you know.

[Dizzysillyak]

Hugs ... I really feel bad for you. Of course you should be able to do what you want on your birthday but this stupid illness has a way of screwing things up .. been there done that ...

That's great that you tried to talk to him further about this. I'm a hopeless romantic so I'm hoping he'll get over his anger and see the person he was in love with not too long ago.

BTW. I wasn't saying that it was right for him to get angry with you but that his reaction sounded like it was out of anger with perhaps some egging on by his family. Breaking up with you over an ER visit after knowing you for 4 years, just sounded like a knee jerk reaction to something he was already aware of.

Hope things work out for you however this turns out ... tc ... d

[RockiesGirl]

Dizzysillyak--

I really appreciate your wonderful kind words and I hope I am conveying that to you ;o)

He was completely worth it at one time, but if he can't handle the way I am I can't do anything about it as much as I would want to ;o) Best to just move on.

We all have to DEAL on regular basis as I am sure you do too and we need a support system around us, I think. If nothing more than this wonderful site and all of the beautiful people who actually get it like yourself! Thanks Mucho!!

Edited September 12, 2011 by RockiesGirl

[Meg.Limbach]

that just *****. =( my marriage is on the rocks, not entirely due to POTS but a large part. I have decided I would just rather deal with this alone than to have to rely on a man to help me. Chin up, buttercup!! Know that it isnt YOU its this stupid disease =( .. Relaying to your sn.. are you in Colorado or just a fan?

[MomtoGiuliana]

I'm so sorry. This is so hard! and it sounds very unexpected. It's unfortunate he doesn't want to try counselling since a skilled counselor can often be very helpful. If the relationship is not working now it wasn't meant to--still hard to go through the grief/loss process. Take care of yourself.

[RockiesGirl]

that just *****. =( my marriage is on the rocks, not entirely due to POTS but a large part. I have decided I would just rather deal with this alone than to have to rely on a man to help me. Chin up, buttercup!! Know that it isnt YOU its this stupid disease =( .. Relaying to your sn.. are you in Colorado or just a fan?

Yep I am in Colorado, are you?

[Friedbrain]

Oh, wow, I can so relate to many of the things you said! It sounds like there's multiple issues involved, and I've btdt, too.

1) The partner issue: being a partner of someone with mental/physical issues is a challenge, and one that men don't necessarily come equipped to handle. In fact, my understanding (over years of hearing about it lol) is that they feel Responsible, so having someone so needy (not our fault; not saying it is!) can throw them. It makes them feel inadequate, overwhelmed, all those feelings. A long time ago, my dh attended a men's support group and he learned a lot about how to stand by my side without feeling overwhelmed himself. It's a learning process, and not all men are capable of making the mental adjustment. So in that sense, maybe you just learned he can't; or you will be able to work with him on helping him learn how. My dh STILL feels helpless a lot, and still feels angry FOR me at my predicament, but he's better able to handle and separate his feelings from our relationship, if that makes sense.

2) Your partner's family: whoo, have I btdt, too! And it's an awful experience, having his family piling on him (and you). A couple points: at some point, men have to learn to separate their family's opinions from his own (and to protect you as a couple from them), but that takes time. It sounds like you were still in the early, and vulnerable, stage. Couple therapy, to help unite you as a couple separate from your individual family units, would strengthen you. Anyway, another thing that can (and probably did) happen is that the family prioritizes HIS needs over yours. From my own experience (of over 20ys), this was because my MIL is selfish, but whatever. When my head first "blew up" (after about ten years of marriage), I was bedridden for weeks and we didn't know what was going on except that it was serious. One day we were all in the kitchen (both his mom and my mom were in town to help with my kids) and my MIL went on about what my poor dh was going through (meaning that *I* was putting him through, and we all needed to feel sorry for him). I did NOT need to hear what a burden I was at that moment, when I was afraid I was going to die..... but she was thinking only of her son. And he could've easily internalized that and blamed me....

3) Your health.....dang, we learn as we go!! We're not perfect, and we can't always predict how our bodies will handle situations. It's unfortunate you were blamed for the crisis. I know I've made mistakes, thinking I could handle situations and then realizing I'd "overdone" it. I, too, blacked out at my wedding (before I understood my health). I've also pushed myself too hard and ended up getting the all-over body shakes when I should've known better (and yes, my dh was mad at me). I also simply error. But we learn as we go, and hopefully the people in our life support our being imperfect.....!

{{hugs}}

[lieze]

Excellent post Friedbrain.

I relate to everything you are saying here and you said it very well.

I have all those thoughts and knowledge jumbled up in my brain and can't make sense of it myself.

Is that the POTS or some kind of ADD or learning disability?

Anyway everything you said was so true and applies to my situation also.

I get the same from my mother in law calling me out if the blue to try to tell me how bad her son has it being married to me.

And my mom doesn't get it either so I can't just blame MIL.

After helping clean up our house getting ready for appraisal she said that my husband may have issues but me and the kid's needed to get our act together.

Well I can't Mom.

I can't keep up with it all and the children are getting big enough to help now-thank God for that.

My mom has been over called to the rescue when I have over done it and laid and gotten the shakes for an hour or more.

She still doesn't get it that my body cannot "do" what I would like it to.

I appreciated this post it relates to my life big time.

I get the divorce threats etc etc and although it hurts I just try to breathe and accept and do the best I can whatever that is.

[sue1234]

Friedbrain, it is not my MIL saying "poor husband", it is literally MY parents!! A couple of times a year they make comments about how "overworked" my husband is. It is very disheartening to be looked at in that light from your own parents.

[Dizzysillyak]

Well said friedbrain ... You really don.t deserve that name .. Lol

Sorry to hear so many of us have to struggle with relationships as well as this illness. Hugs ...

My family has been great with this but probably because i've looked like I was going to die several times during this illness. I.ve been grey and yellow .. And consistently would lose weight I couldn.t afford to lose due to digestive problems. Now why my idiot doctors didn.t look for celiac disease is another mystery.

My ex husband lost it when I got sick tho. Sadly, what he tried to tell me about my diet and doctors was true but I was too sick and too nieve to believe him. It.s a shame really because we were a good match on soooo many levels.

Tc ... D

[RichGotsPots]

I often say there are 5 elements of true love. The most important element is caring. Caring is often takes the longest one to find out about because a true caring relationship endure even when the chip are down. Will your partner be there so you threw thick and thin? The only way to really know is to have something bad happen.

I was in a bad marriage for awhile and when I got sick from POTS I saw that my ex was not only not there for me but belittling me because of my illness. The forced me to take a harder look. And now I'm even more sick then back then and my current GF, the girl I want to marry, is there with me every single step I take. It's such a relief and such a comfort.

You need to find your soulmate and that soulmate will not let you down, will not get you down when life does...