sisblostg Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 A few weeks ago my MIL was helping me clean my house and now she found out she has stage 4 cancer that has spread to multiple locations and just weeks to live and is on hospice. DH's father died when he was a teenager and I want to be there for him as much as possible through this but it is already becoming overwhemling. My MIL is living 325 miles away now so DH has been driving to visit her. The drive is too much for me, it is even hard for me to be alone for the time he is gone. Since it is clear she will pass away soon, I am trying to pre-plan how I will deal with the emotional and travel aspects. I went to a local family funeral a few months ago and it wore me out for a week and there was no travel invovled and it was not a close family memeber. The funeral will be held about 300 miles away, the family gathering will be another 50 miles from that, then the grave side service is 350 miles from that. I honestly do not think I can make all that travel right now but I don't want DH to be alone. Since most of this back and forth is rural there is no place I can go to and lay down or rest. I can't ask DH to drive me and leave one of the parts of his mothers service and I dont know anyone else in the area that could help. The other part is that DH comes from a HUGE family, 13 biological siblings and 9 adopted. Some of younger kids/grandkids smoke constantly and I can't take the smoke and they won't stop for anything. Also I have had a hard time the last 6 months or so even listening to the younger ones(younger meaning 16-30) because they are healthly but keep making the same mistakes over and over again. They have so many chances to do great things in life but keep choosing the wrong path. When I listen to the conversations My pulse sometimes goes through the roof, like from 80-90's to 160's sitting and the adernaline starts running and I can't control it. I used to be able to. The other thing is I am holding a secret of sorts. Everyone in the family is saying poor mom, she never went to the dr., she didn't have insurnace. I am the only one that knows differently. Up until a few months ago she had an crummy job with excellent insurance. 3 years ago I made an appointment with a dr for a check up because I found out her sister died young of colon cancer(My MIL was adopted after her mom died in childbirth so I helped her find her siblings). It was across the street from her work. She refused to go because she wanted to lose 15lbs. I waited till she lost 15lbs and the next year made an appointment, again she refused to go. I made 5 appointments over the last 3 years. When she got let go from her job in Feb, I filed out the cobra paperwork. She was 64 and could have used cobra until medicare for about 7 months. She said she could not afford the cobra because she had so many bils/loans from helping out the younger kids with bail, back rent, ultlites etc. Right now everyone is sitting around her crying, poor grandma/mom never had a chance to go to the dr. I have said nothing but I think it would be a good time for my MIL to speak up and talk about how important it is to get a check up or get insurance, not one of her kids or grandkids has insurance that is under 30 and alot have it offered at work but won't pay the small premium. I am first concerned if I can even make a 1000+ miles drive in 36 hours. Then the emotional aspects will be hard, even though I had very different views then my MIL I talked to her almost daily for 10 years because I found her stories interesting and she needed someone with an outisde view, as well as DH who is usually not very emotional but now is really holding it in. I also do not know how to deal with the social aspects of the kids/grandkids without sounding like a snob and causing more issues. I know there will be smoking, but there also is a things happening like a 6th grade grand daughter who is pregnant and fluants it. I do not mean to sound judgemental but I do not want my 4th grade child to think this is okay or someone to celebrate. DH's oldest brothers/sisters and strict mormons and when they have made any comments the younger ones get vicious and it is so stressful. I spoke to 2 of the older siblings and they are only bringing kids to the service and leaving because of the social issues. I do not want to sound selfish but I am trying so hard to get better. I have had so many set backs. The summer is so hard because I have 0 help besides Dh and he has to work so I have to be as high-functioning as I can so the kids still get a normal summer. I am already stressed out just thinking about how to manage. Dh can't figure out a solution to the travel but he does say that this will be the last time unless indivdual circumstamces change that he will see his younger silblings/nieces/nephews.I also feel bad because I haven't been able to talk to her too much since she got sick. She cries and I feel bad and it is so stressful. I write her long letters everyday and I know she appreciates them because DH says she tells him she will read them 50+ times a day because she has never had anyone write her such in depth letters but she really wants to talk to me everyday but the calls get me too upset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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