Divorce And Disability

[scarfgirl]

I'm really having a rough time right now with my divorce. My husband ignores me completely (not that I'm complaining) and my lawyer couldn't care less what happens to me. I have NO money and no way of earning any. It's really starting to affect my self-esteem, and when my POTS symptoms flare up I get totally overwhelmed. I know I'm far from the first person on here to get suddenly dumped, either directly or indirectly, because of their disability, and would love to hear some words of encouragement or suggestions on how to cope with this not-quite-yet-divorced stage. Anything to keep the near constant panic pushed back a bit. I'm SO tired of being so scared all the time and I know these feelings of desperation are hindering my health, but I can't seem to find any solid ground to stand on. I never get more than a couple of weeks before the rug is pulled out from under me, either because of my illness or because of some snag in the divorce process. I want to heal and move on and find some stability, but I can't even being dealing with the emotional upheaval of being discarded like that b/c I'm still under attack from the man I used to love.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

[pat57]

Family and church are the classic places to turn for help. If you can see a therapist

its a good idea. I would also call as many "human resource" folks as you can find.

Salvation army, local, state and federal agencies. If you have blue pages in your phone book

call "everybody". Its a good feeling to be proactive. Most calls will be a poor fit for what you need,

but there is bound to be something. There are people that actually want to help so you can

keep your dignity as well.

good luck

[Elegiamore]

KaiXa,

SO sorry to hear you are going through double disasters at once. Please let me say, loudly: You are JUSTIFIED in feeling trapped and overwhelmed. What's happened in your life is terribly unfair and frustrating indeed. It's OK and cathartic to bemoan where you are right now. I hope you feel a tad better now.

Then again, that doesn't correct the inequities in your difficult situation. Are you eligible for SSI disability? A long term fix, but no help upfront.

When I feel this way, I get on a chat! lol! Just escaping my reality, submerging myself in an alien lifestyle with a friend in India, or arguing with a Danish friend over Chopin interpretations lets me "run away" for a bit. And it's basically free, also. I say, some "running away" is good!

When my husband went through a hissy fit where he refused to deal with my health, dumping endless physical chores on me and putting on the headphones when I complained, I called a friend conference. Four girlfriends, one of which was divorced, immediately met me at a nearby cafe. Eventually I got some helpful advice; and blew off steam.

Don't give up! Never! You deserve a decent life. Keep plugging away and searching. Keep us informed. Big Hug, Elegiamore

[comfortzone]

Big hug and I too hope you get past the fear and into the present moment - of you are okay - very strong - and will see this time pass as well - to a brighter future. It feels terrible - my experience most recently is with a friend of mine. She was married 20 years to a guy who was horrid to her and her two young sons. She for many reasons stayed well past what many people would endure. Then she finally proceeded with divorce. She was threatened and bullied etc...but in the end it came through and she is a free woman. Her ex is still horrid in bullying tactics etc and is under a personal protection order to stay away etc. BUT then she buys a new house (her mom gave her the money to do so) - she finds the guy next door moving out of his house -- they start chatting, which leads to dating, which leads to HE PROPOSED TO HER AND SHE SAID YES. All this turn around inside of a year and a half. Yes I warned her about rebound relationships etc......but she just keeps on as if he is "the one". So right before my eyes I saw total desperation and destitution perhaps to a fulfilled new life with new abundant blessings. Yes she has to deal with the bully as he's the dad.... yes she has to now join the work force where she'd been a home schooling mom for 7 years not working -- a lot of challenges to be sure.....but I never saw any of the 'good stuff' in her future when things seemed so impossibly hard. So I share this to show you've been through hard times and survived and you will get through this as well - nothing stays the same -- So hang in there - better days are ahead! I hope things move forward for you - and you get the supports you need through either community resources, church, family members...someone will perhaps surprise you in their capacity and willingness to help - stay open and hopeful as you do!

[Noreen]

{{{Hugs}}}}

The stress is incredibly hard and doesn't help your health at all.

Sending prayers and positive energy your way.

noreen

[potsgirl]

How are you getting by? Have you moved in with friends or family? I know that Arizona has a program that can get someone that's in a situation like yours emergency money and also health care very quickly. Have you looked into your county or state's emergency programs? They can also get you in to a counselor, if you'd like. I had to do this once when I was in a situation like yours, and it really helped! Don't be too proud to ask for any help you can get.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, you're a strong woman, and you WILL get through this. Dump that lawyer if he doesn't really care! Kudos for you for getting by as well as you are.

[scarfgirl]

Thanks guys. I've moved in with my parents and am on both SSI and Medicaid now, but I'm just so angry b/c I shouldn't have to be. My ex said he'd pay maintenance but skipped out on it all and my lawyer just let him. That's what makes me so mad! I know it's just money, and I shouldn't care so much about it, but w/o that money I eventually had to give up everything. He's the one who committed the wrong yet I'm the one that's having to pay. I LOVED living in Seattle. I loved the little condo we owned. I loved the few friends I made (not many, but that's my fault for depending too much on my husband when I got sick). I loved the pets I had. I hate that he gets to keep all that while I had to give up everything. And I hate myself for being too sick to stand up for myself. I basically let him walk all over me, because I was too busy trying and failing to fend for myself. And I let the lawyer walk all over me for the same reason. All I wanted to do was focus on figuring out how the **** I was gonna take care of myself all by myself, I didn't want to have to deal with the nastiness of a divorce, so I feel like I'm at fault for letting myself get screwed over.

I know life's not fair, but having your best friend and the person you loved above all others take away everything you care about and intentionally make you sicker so he can get what he wants is a kind of unfairness that I didn't believe existed until now.

Thanks for all the positive thoughts.

[Rene S.]

Oh Kexia, I'm so so sorry for what you are going through. I was in your shoes 2 years ago. Sick as a dog with this dreadful illness, and after 24 years of marriage my husband ups and leaves. I was forced to move out of my dream home and try to start anew. Not easy when you feel like crud and have no support from others.

I wish I could give you some grate advise, but I'm still trying to navigate myself around this and accept the fact that my ex has moved on (he married someone younger less than 9 mos after the divorce was finalized.

I'm sending you positive hugs and warm wishes. Please feel free to contact me if you want to vent.

xoxox

Rene

[Noreen]

Is the maintenance court ordered? Is there a way to garnish his income?

If you still can't get help from your lawyer, contact the state bar association where he is licensed essentially with a copy of your post plus relevant facts.

{{{hugs}}}

noreen

[Guest tearose]

I am so sorry for all you have to deal with.

Please hang in and keep focusing on the little ways you can find joy in little things.

Maybe you can move back to Seattle some day.

You clearly have lost so much and this pain must be agony for you. I am sorry I can't take that away.

I believe there is some one for everyone in this world and though you don't see it now, one day you will be able to look up again and see all the good around you.

with best regards and support,

tearose

[Maxine]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hopefully you can find more support through a church, or even a support group for people going through the same thing. I don't think you were treated fairly.........

Sending you a BIG HUG..... Things will get better, just hang in there----they will.....

Maxine :0)

[scarfgirl]

Thanks guys, I needed that.

Lack of support is a big problem for me, now that I'm living with my folks I'm out in the middle of nowhere and can't drive. My parents work up to 14 hour days, so I don't even get to see them. I'm really struggling with the isolation, and I think it's the solitude that has me suddenly feeling extra whiny about my divorce. I need more friends in my life, obviously, and so I'm missing my best friend a whole lot, even if he wasn't really my best friend. And when I have these blocks where I'm not feeling well and have nothing to do and no one to talk to I tend to focus on the past and on how 'unfair' life has been (or in my case, I feel like it's been extra unfair, although logically I know others have had it far worse). I know I have to stop doing that, and I am seeing a therapist as well as a psychiatrist, but so far I can't seem to pull myself out of this black hole I've been sucked into. I regret my past, and worry about my future, but can't seem to manage to stay in the present. I sure hope I break out of this soon. The next couple of months will make a big difference in what direction my life takes, so I really can't afford to screw up just b/c I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Again, thanks for listening.

[nmorgen]

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. I've read that divorce is like a death. You go through the same type of mourning process, so I think it's normal that you are mourning your old life and relationship. Healing takes time. I hope your life starts to look up and you find happiness. I agree that you should look for a support group.

I've got you in my prayers.

Hugs,

Natalie

[scarfgirl]

And the hits just keep on coming....

Got a bill from lawyer. He has spent every penny of my retainer, despite not having accomplished the first thing for me. All I've been asking for since December is temporary alimony, and he's never done a thing to get me that. Now I have no way to pay him off, no way to pay for a new lawyer, no way to pay for the required mediation, and no way to get up there to make my court date in October. I'm gonna call Legal Aid first thing tomorrow, but I'm pretty sure I'm totally ******.

[Noreen]

I am so sorry.

Lawyers do have to carry malpractice insurance, you know. It still seems worthwhile to contact the bar association where he is licensed.

[scarfgirl]

Oh I already filed a grievance against the guy. Did that back in July I think. I'm also going to see if I can get any of my money back from him. I'm just sad b/c I'm pretty sure his incompetence is going to mean my ex walks away with everything. I've called a Legal Aid Resource, just in case any of this can be salvaged, but I have yet to hear back from them.

[comfortzone]

You are doing amazing -- keep up the good work -- as long as you have an iron in the fire to stand up for what you deserve - you are doing what hero's do..... I just read the back of an audio book tonight when I went to return a movie -- it was called Nothing's Impossible by Christopher Reeves... Just reading that little bit of tiny writing brought home to me again that the 'great's' of this world are the little ones, the ones who come from behind or rough roads to establish in the here and now what it means to win. Not money, not fame, not any of that - but believing in yourself and your strengths, not comparing yourself with others but being grateful for what you have, not giving into the 'I can't's' that seem to be so much a part of suffering...but pushing on and through to I CAN.....and just watch me. You CAN bless yourself for all the good that's within you....you can be kind to yourself and push aside all negativity....you can set goals for yourself and attain them with perseverance.... Stay focused and determined to the best of your ability on the goodness that surrounds you -- it's there. Nothing good is ever easy - but I would want to congratulate you - not berate you - for having these trials and pushing forward - always forward - to a brighter future. Hang in there - my friend I was telling you about had a creepy lawyer that did nothing positive for her case either. But now that the divorce is over and her ex still bullies - she dumped the first lawyer and found an amazing one instead that's willing to take on her case as regards her and efforts toward living a quiet safe life in spite of her ex!

[Stace915]

I know a lot of people will disagree with me but, you know what... you have been through a lot, you didn't deserve any of it and it is a ****** situation. As far as I am concerned, you have every right to vent, and cry and yell and scream and be angry!

Yes, you do have a lot to figure out, but you also need to take time for yourself and grieve and allow yourself to be angry, if you don't allow yourself to do that it will be a lot harder for you to move onto the next step. I wish I had some great advice for you, remember take things one day at a time, and one hour at a time if you need to. It sounds like you have a family that is supportive and all of us here, so once you get all of your venting out, *try* to stay positive and tackle one thing at a time. And it sounds like your soon to be ex did not deserve to have you anyways!