Your Husbands Response

[lmt033167]

I'm going to talk to the psych dr about this also and see if she has any suggestions, I think he's just having a hard time knowing he can't fix me or feels helpless because he can't help me - Im a big baby I get nerve pain through out my body and it's excruiciating and I cry, which he doesn't see very often.

It was such a sudden thing for me...I was walking running going 1000 miles per min each and then my heart decided to quit...reality hit him hard knowing I could die at any time and he doesn't know how to handle it, I don't either for that matter and then all my other medical problems just started piling up making it even more difficult.

[handmadebyemy]

I heard a statistic that 75% of marriages in which one or more mate(s) have some sort of chronic illness end in divorce. Its pretty shocking, but also consider that 50% of all marriages end in divorce anyway.

But I can see how this can happen. Its been discussed here over and over - the sick mate doesn't want to complain to the healthy mate in fear of adding to the problem and as a result feels like they have something to hide leading to a feeling of inadequacy and communication failure. The healthy mate wants to help but can't and feels frustrated with that, along with the impact that the sick one has on the marriage and how that affects their healthy life.

I think balance is key - just like anything else. I try to remain positive (at least on the outside) and follow up seemingly negative statements with "but I'm not complaining - I could have it much worse" or something to that effect.

My husband couldn't be healthier and has admitted that he thinks most illnesses are "just in your head" or made worse by thinking about them. He got much more supportive and seemingly understanding once I had a diagnosis for all of my symptoms and he could actually see my legs get purple when I stood up and feel my pulse skyrocket. I think a lot of guys are like that - they need tangible evidence.

Like many of us, I literally woke up one morning sick (3 1/2 years ago) and am still not back to normal. I just wish that the timing was different - we had just gotten engaged, so our entire marriage has included me being sick. We only dated for less than a year before getting engaged so most of what he know of me included me being sick. I try to remind him of how I was before - I'm not lazy, remember?

Every marriage has its struggles so remain positive! If it wasn't chronic illness, it would be something else. And even if you were completely healed today, it wouldn't make your marriage perfect.

[Janey]

My boyfriend (of four years) has a waxing and waning approach to my illness. He's one of these people who is constantly on the look-out for scams or being ripped off etc, and he uses the same approach to my illness. He wants to know what the status is of my health because he needs to work out whether he has a "fair deal" or not. When I'm really bad and it's obvious, he does everything - performs the housework, pays the rent and looks after me. When I get a little bit better, he needs to vent to me how hard it was for him to do everything, and he expects me to make it up to him. But the problem with that, is if I make a "big gesture" after a bad crash, I just slip back into the crash. The "keeping tabs" approach he has, has upset me a lot over the years, but when I look at the big picture, he has ALWAYS been there for me when I most needed it.

I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand as much - have you taken him along to your doctor's appointments?

[ethansmom]

My husband has been with me since high school, when we were active, vibrant, crazy, young, and wild. So when I got sick in college, he knew it was for real, but at the time we had a HARD time dealing with it because we were so young and immature. He is not the most compassionate person, but he is a positive thinker, so he was always telling me not to be so negative, etc etc...and it almost destroyed our relationship. Fortunately, we pressed on through the hard stuff and "grew up" together. He has seen me in various states of health- from bedridden and wanting to die, to perfectly normal, active, and happy. '

We now are married with three kids and, even after being sick for 8 years, I still have to remind myself not to complain too much each day. I definitely tend to be a hypochondriac and a pessimist (self admitted) so this is something I am constantly working on. I try not to complain unless it's really bad, however my husband can clearly see when things are bad- I am pregnant with our third child and it has been horrid, especially at the beginning- no need for me to complain, because he knows when I can't get out of bed that things are bad.

However, we still have a great time when things are good- and sometimes they are, and those are the times I try to be my old self and not think about my illness. Sometimes I feel like we've been dealt an extra difficult hand in life and I really strive to understand why everything has to be so much harder for us...but then there are days when I realize how truly strong I must be to have endured this for so long and still lead the relatively normal life that I lead. I just do most things dizzy and exhausted, but I am determined not to let the disease win and I hope my husband can see this for what it is. Regardless, there are ups and downs (just like in any marriage) and overall I feel very lucky to be with someone who is relatively supportive, has stood by my side, and loves me for the whole package.