Why Is This So Hard??

[erikainorlando]

Hi.

I just need to ask...how does one do this? School just started again. My daughter is in high school and a cheerleader. My son wants to do baseball. I was supposed to get my daughter from practice and was doubled over with stomach cramps...no way I was going to get there. Thank God one of her friends took her home. BUT this is too hard. She has practice 2 times a week...and games at least once. I am a single mom....it would be hard even if I was well. She can't seem to get in a carpool and the other parents seem to think I am just not wanting to pitch in....but I can't..at least not at cccertain times...itis just impossible to get myself up and go get her and cook dinner and do homework...let alone everything else...I am so stressed..I want her to be able to do this..I just don't know what to do. She doesn't seem to understand that at times I can bqarely function.

I feel so guilty. I yell at her for not trying to get in a carpool..then I feel more guilty for yelling. I really have no one to help. At leaast not consistently. I am tired of explaining not being able to do things. Someitmes I feel so overwhelmed at having to take care of two kids when I can barely take care of myself.

Any ideas?

Erika

[Jan]

I can relate. Until my sons got their driver's licenses it was difficult. I can not tell you how much help it has been to me to have kids who can drive. I would get your daughter into driver's ed as soon as legal. The other thing I found helpful, is even if my kid had his learners permit, we could go places when I couldn't drive because I could ride rather than drive.

My sons were in debate, and various sports etc. One of my sons was very good at mooching rides and had lots of friends who had parents who drove them places. They knew I was unable to drive and were very willing to help us out. I wouldn't be shy about telling people you need help with rides.

My younger son was kind of shy, so I would talk to the parent of one of his friends on each team, tell them why I can't drive and arrange for them to pick up and drop off my kid every time.

When other kids came over, I would make it clear they had to have a ride here and home.

Now that my kids can drive, they are making up for all the rides they have gotten by giving lots of rides.

Even now, when my son's bowling team has a match, my son and I ride with another mom and her son because I can't drive very far.

I can't tell you how helpful it is to have a driver in the house. I dread the day my youngest goes to college.

[ramakentesh]

My advice - cut yourself some slack - your not choosing to feel the way you do.

Start building up again slowly - exercise is usually and eventually beneficial.

[firewatcher]

Erika,

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but since I'm rocking in the same boat with you, I have none. My two are younger than yours and don't do any outside activities. Yours are at a tough age, too. Can you talk to the coaches and see if they know anyone they could carpool with? That's the best I've got............plus tons of support ((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))

This is NOT your fault! You know that, just do the best you can. You might sit down with the kids and say; "Look, I am trying to be the best Mom that I can be, you two are the most important things to me in the world. But, if I don't take care of myself, (because I truly am sick!) I can't do that and take care of you! If these activities are that important to you, then you need to try to find a way to make them happen. My purpose as a Mother is to make you able adults, ready to deal with the outside world, unfortunately that part has come a little too early. I'm sorry, but I need you to take on some responsibility now."

P.S. I am a part-time single Mom, my husband is gone usually for half the month for work.

[daisy]

Wow, very well said firewatcher. I am going to steal those lines to use with my kids.

I am not a single mom but even with my wonderful husband's support, it is so tough with two teenagers and their moods and needs so I can't even imagine how hard it is for you Erika.

I try not to look at everything at once but just conquer one hour at a time, one day at a time. The big picture with all the activities and chores can be so overwhelming.

I recently discovered grocery delivery (or you can call and have everything ready and you just pick up) and also the meal places where you go once a week and either you

can prepare a week's meals (very tasty too) or they will do it for you and you freeze them and just heat them up.

Here are some links:

dreamdinners.com

dinnermyway.com

I don't know if there are any of the above in your area but there are many others who are opening up all over.

As moms, we want to do everything for our kids. But, firewatcher is right. In order for our kids to become adults, they need to take on responsibility and learn compassion. Teens are able to do this (although they may do it kicking and screaming) and are old enough to pitch in more. In the long run, I think it will help them.

Just try to take one day and one crisis at a time and be the healthiest mom you can be...you can only do so much and overdoing will make you less effective.

Hang in there.....all the best to you.

[maggie]

I'm so sorry to read what a difficult time you are having. I didn't get pots until all my children were adults. I am finding out from this forum what a blessing that truely has been. Have you tried counseling with your children and you. I know it can be expensive but hopefully if you have insurance it could pay for it. Sometimes children need to hear this from someone else other then you. I know I have had to put limits on my adult children because of my pots. I can't have them coming to me with their problems, it just upsets me and puts stress on me and then I'm sick. My counseler sat all my family down, husband and kids and told them very forthright that this was a time for me to heal, they would now have to help me instead of the reverse. I have learned to put up bounderies and stay consistent with them. On days that I am ill this is still very hard to do. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that you will be able to find others to understand your condition and lend a helping hand. Keep posting and let us know how things are progressing in your life, I know we all here want to see you and your family succeed.

Maggie

[potsgirl]

Erika,

I was also a single parent, but by the time I was diagnosed with POTS/OI my son was out of the house and in college. It was tough enough just trying to work full-time, commute 45 minutes each day and work my hours so I could pick him up from football or other sports on time, which didn't always happen. Of course, this was 8 years ago before cell phones were everywhere. I understand being completely overwhelmed...I feel that way just having to try to visit family or having them here! I can't make dinners, take people places, I have to nap in the afternoon and go to bed by 6 - well before everyone else does, and it puts eating dinner out pretty much out of the picture. I can't imagine how rough it is that you are dealing with this illness, being a single parent, AND taking care of two children. My congratulations to you for doing the job you're doing! This means you must be a very strong woman, indeed. I respect you tremendously.

As others have said, take one day at a time, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Even the strongest people need help sometime. There is no shame in this...Again, kudos to you for getting along this far, and know you'll figure out a way to make it one way or another - whatever's best for you!

Big hug and positive energy your way,

Jana

[erikainorlando]

Thanks for all the replies. I just now got a loaner laptop as mine bit the dust the other day - right after I posted. It never seems to rain until it pours, huh? I did ask some of the other parents to help...they really kind of blow me off. One dad said he would try to help after I went into detail of how sick I am. People just don't seem to want to believe that I can't do much. They see me for a few minutes and I don't look bad for a 46 year old woman with POTS!! But you all know that I will have to rest for hours after actiivty and if I go pick her up from cheer etc...that is all I can do for the day!! It is a drag that I always feel like they look at me and can't believe I am sick. Even myn own mother many times looks at me like I am exagdrating as I can go places and do things. So she thinks I am making it up. BUT I cna't do very much.and have to lay doown for several hours after minimal activity. I am sure you know what I mean.

When I get overwhelmed amd cry it only makes it worse. Crying always makes me very very ill!!

Thanks so much for the support guys. This is kind of a tough road. It is great to have you all to vent to and ask solutions from.

Erika

[sue1234]

Maybe you could advertise for a teen driver"babysitter" that lives nearby that could pick your daughter up on those afternoons and you just pay for the hour, or whatever it took for them to do the job. We live in a small town and some of our town's babysitter's would shuttle their "kids" around after school to their activities. Just an idea.

[Jan]

Crying makes me really sick too. And if I start, all the bottled up tears won't stop. I hate that.

I hear you about people thinking I am making stuff up. If you had a broken leg, and hobbled around, people would think you were so great for dealing with that and not letting it stop you. Yet, all of us are dealing with something much worse, and we get NO credit for pushing ourselves, instead we have to WHINE or people won't even believe us and if we don't explain, no one will offer help.

The other day a friend of mine said something about me needing to "get a life". She was kind of joking around but I just wanted to snap at her and say, I sure wish I felt well enough to have one, but I just smiled and agreed because I hate to complain and she is clueless of how difficult life is for me.

I am glad you are asking other parents for help. Maybe one of them will "get it" and really offer to help.

[erikainorlando]

Boy..what a rotten thing for your friend to say. i have had some say some equallly stupid things. I had one friend say today that I should just try her natural stuff...and why was I so opposed to that...she would never take all the meds I take etc. I finally said..well...you have never been as ill as I have been.

My boyfriend nad mom both said they would help some. I am hoping we have more coverage now that I had my melt down. BUT when even they see me "ok" for a few hours they think I am well. AND they know about POTS. But they forget that I am good for small amounts of time and then I fall hard. And when i am done..i am really done.

We will see again this week.