Save Me From Insensitive People!

[*Merlin*]

I've been friends with my neighbours for the past 14 years. During that time they've witnessed first hand my steady decline in health. In fact, I worked for the husband for 12 years until he sold his business (at about the same time I would have had to quit for health reasons anyway). He saw me at my worst, keeling over, getting up, dusting myself off and cracking on, determined to live as "normal" a life as I could. Both he and his wife always seemed so concerned.

Well, last year, after 4 decades of illness, I finally got my diagnosis. My neighbours were aware that I was seeing a new consultant and asked how it was going, so I told them my news and they seemed pleased for me. Thing is, ever since then our relationship has changed.

They holiday frequently and I've always looked after their pets. This year they went away for 6 weeks, but instead of coming to ask if I would be up to the task (I really wasn't), she sent me an email 2 days prior to departure with the dates they'd be away for and a medication regime for their geriatric cat. An email. I live next door! No concern as to whether I would be able to manage. Well, I did what I could and my OH did the rest, between us we muddled through for the sake of the animals. They returned a month ago. Whereas previously I would receive a token gift for my efforts (a box of chocolates, etc), so far this time I haven't even had so much as a verbal "thank you". Six weeks in my state of health, pushing pills down the throat of a grumpy cat on a daily basis was hard going, a little appreciation would be nice!

The other day I was outside brushing the yard (well, more like leaning on the broom and hoping it would push itself). Out comes the wife and shouts "Oh, you're not in a wheelchair yet then", laughs sarcastically and disappears!!??

I have been unable to drive now for about a year. OH does use my car from time to time as it's more economical than his vehicle, but it doesn't really do the miles it should to warrant keeping it. I hope one day I will drive again, but if I sell it now the opportunity may be lost forever - at least, that's how I feel about it in my head. Last week the neighbours asked if their nephew could use my car since I'm "not doing anything with it". They asked again yesterday, offering to buy it this time for half what its worth. Bear in mind that they are extremely well off financially, compared to myself living in rented accommodation and currently unable to bring in an income.

Maybe it's just me but, given how much they know of my circumstances, I think my neighbours are being rather insensitive. I can't understand why they're suddenly being so mean. Any ideas?

[Alison]

I think people just can't understand this illness because it is so rarely diagnosed, and poorly understood, even by the medical profession. If it was cancer people would understand. It's hard to deal with people around who don't understand. I just try not to talk to people about it now. I have some people I see regularly who I see as friends who I haven't told anything about this illness. I've been dreading them asking how my job is going as then I will have to explain that I have stopped working and then explain why. I don't want to not be 'real' with my friends, but I realise that people just don't get it, and they think I am bonkers. I am upset that some of people I know do seem to think that I am a bit bonkers since I told them about what has been going on with me.

[*Merlin*]

Alison, I quite agree about lack of understanding. I never discuss my issues unless asked and, even then, skim the surface of the subject and quickly change the topic of conversation. Much as I'd like to "raise awareness", the reality of the situation is that I'm just wasting my breath.

Lately, I found out that my sister-in-law has been ******** about me to family and friends. I have had gastroparesis since the age of 8. Forty years on, I am pale, weak and underweight. She thinks her brother could do much better than me. I'm just a skinny attention-seeker, I should just get over myself and eat properly. That's the root of my problem. The fact that my POTS symptoms first appeared when I was at a normal weight and I look the way I do not from choice but through life long chronic illness is lost on her. I don't even go there with her, my energy is precious and she's not worth it. But it still hurts, especially as she's nice as pie to my face.

I was in a clothes shop last year when a group of teenage girls pulled me around by the shoulder, looked me up and down before asking "are you anorexic or what!". I felt so humiliated.

Oh, and my cousin wants to know who gave me the two black eyes. Sorry, can't help them, they go with the territory.

It doesn't help that I also have scolosis and my posture is poor. I used to do pilates which helped but now I can't manage it.

I prefer not to go out in public anymore as I'm so tired of being judged and insulted. Hey, I just stay home and let my family do it instead!

[JuneFlower]

I hate insensitive people too and have had my fair share a lot recently. (too long a story). But we have to be positive and carry on ourselves. Ignore the neighbors and do your own thing. I wouldn't watch their cat again though.

June

[yogini]

How about sending them a polite email that you won't be able to watch their animals anymore, at least until your health stabilizes? or that you will need more notice in the future so that you can consider whether it is something you can take on? Rather than spending so much effort on others that don't reciprocate or appreciate, you could rest or do something to improve your health or do something for someone who DOES appreciate. These people don't sound like they deserve you!

[gjensen]

I found the best way to deal with ** is not to.

[Raisin]

It is hard to know what they are truly thinking without asking them but it truly sounds like maybe their opinion is not something to request as their actions speak loudly as people that are "energy drainers" and certainly not "energy givers". I don't have any time or energy to give to people like this anymore. I agree that we need to spend our time with healing actions and friends. I have a friend who almost cried when I made her a birthday cake because she said she knew how much effort it took for me to make it for her. That is a friend! I agree with GJenson. We can't waste any energy on negative people. I only have an inch of energy everyday. I will choose to use that inch to heal and give to those who who deserve goodness.

[TCP]

Sorry to hear that you're neighbours have let you down - but that's exactly what they have done. I would continue to be polite and pass the time of day but no longer do things for them as you are not well enough to and their attitude stinks. Even if they don't understand your illness they should show an interest and understanding that you are unwell. They seem to be the ones getting more out of the relationship.

I no longer pay much heed to those who cannot or will not support me. I have thrown down the gauntlet.

[*Merlin*]

Thank you all for your replies.

I wish I could just politely ignore my neighbours. Unfortunately, they are our landlords. We are renting our cottage from them so it makes it awkward to refuse favours, even if they are taking a liberty. I just can't understand their sudden unfriendly manner after all these years. People, I'll never figure 'em out!

[yogini]

As landlords you just owe them your rent, which I assume you pay. You shouldn't need to do anything extra. You can still be polite and friendly if they aren't but just say no!