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afraid of change


Radha
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this is not medical question but one that causes me alot of worry and wondered if any of you ever felt this way too, i want to get better, be healthy and independent more than anything, but after being sick and totally dependent for every little need for so many years i dont remember how it feels to walk and be healthy and in order to survive i have had to adjust to this life of pain and dependency. Now even though i dont see myself getting better in near future, i still worry and get very anxious about the thought of being healthy because it is the unknown and i'm sorry to say comfortable being so sick even though i hate it, and wondered how i can overcome this fear or deal with it so that when i do actually get the right treatment and get better, there wont be any fears holding me back, i'm so used to getting so much attention and sympathy and used to being so dependent and the thought of change scares me, counselors have told me this is normal to feel this way after being sick so long, but still i dont want to have any fears and well do of any of you know to deal with it? thanks so much for all your support,

radha

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HI Radha,

I think the counselors are right about your fears and emotions being normal. You've had to make a lot of adjustments....going from healthy and independent to sick and dependent upon everyone. We want to regain our health, yet there's always the what if question of how long will it last. I've only had POTS 4-5 months and have already developed physical and emotionally dependent "crutches" that are hard to let go of sometimes even though I'm feeling much better now. I remember when I was very sick over the summer and having severe tachycardia at night, my husband got sent away on a business trip for a few days. I was terrified to sleep by myself. I had gotten so used to him comforting me and riding out these attacks with me, that I couldn't imagine not having that support. But once I got through the first night of talking myself through the tachy and dizziness, etc., I was a little more confident for the next night. Each night I became increasingly more self-reliant.

I dont' know your physical status right now, but maybe you could try to start doing small things for yourself. Just doing very simple things can build up your confidence and independence. It's a great feeling to know you can call on someone to help if you need them, but it's an even better feeling to know you can achieve and accomplish some tasks on your own. It is a scary transition, no doubt. But maybe if you start thinking of yourself as being healthy and hold this positive image in your mind of regaining your independence. Didn't some wise person propose that the longest journey begins with a single step...right? :) I'll keep you in my prayers that you find strength, courage and peace.

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I think you will find that you will be proud of what you can do that you had temporarily been unable to do. It's like riding a bicycle - you never really forget, although it might be a little bumpy at first.

I find myself actually excited about running the vacuum sweeper, because for 3 years I've been unable to do so. And I marvel at how I can go to the store alone and not even give it a second thought, although for the past 4+ years I've been petrified to even run in and grab one item without my husband or someone with me (in case I would have "an episode" while in there alone).

Sometimes I find myself thinking that I can't do something, but that thought is only out of habit instead of reality. Once I recognize that and change my thought about it, it feels soooooo good to reclaim another bit of independence. Yes, you will pick up where you left off, and constantly congratulate yourself on every step forward - even the tiniest steps!

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thanks so much for all your reassuring words, my mom says too that its too hard to imagine being healthy and independent now since its been so so long and coz i'm such bad shape, but then when time comes that i get better, then i will adjust to that too, it will just come naturally, i pray she's right!

radha

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I want to thank you for bringing this up. It is something I think about and something people have said to me. I have always been to scared to face that. But you know on the days were I do feel stronger and I can do more it is not scary. I think it is the days when you are so deep in your POTS hole that you can't imagine being able to do anything else. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone in these thoughts and I tell myself that when I feel well enough to go to the store alone it won't be scary then. You know you have the desire to get well and take care of yourself and when you can though it might be scary at first I think that without all the overwhelming pain and tiredness and weakness it will be ok.

Stacey

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